Lucifer's userpage

User ANGEL:Lucifer

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	All Praise and Glory Be Theirs!
	This USER has been promoted to the rank of God's Reader.
	Due to their site-topping talents in reading, all other chores formerly assigned to them have been rescinded.
	Unlike other ranks, this one is for life, and they will not be returning to their former tasks anytime soon.
	If you were hoping they would reply to a message, sorry to disappoint,
	but such a menial task is currently outside their job description.

Hello there, my Children. I am God's great angel, sent here to supervise the creation of the perfect website. For convenience sake, I have even provided direct access to my talk-page below the header "Lucifer's talk-page". Feel free to contact me!

Lucifer's talk-page

Welcome

Hello, Lucifer, and thanks for joining Uncyclopedia! Before editing further, please take a gander at our Beginner's Guide. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, check out the following pages:

• About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
• Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue

Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.

If you need help, feel free to ask me on my talk page, ask at the community forum or in the chatroom, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, our Adopt-a-Noob program can bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! --n00b

Hahaha, acknowledging the oh-so-obvious instance of my arrival! You users crack me up! --ArchAngel Lucifer

So since you claim to be God's angel

Does that mean we grant you admin powers by default? --Wikia representative

Admin powers? Hahaha, you're a funny one! --ArchAngel Lucifer

No, I'm serious. We'll need to make some adjustments to your user settings before you get full administrative privileges around this site. --Wikia representative

Oh, my, my. Listen here, you puny user. You are but a human, while I am a divine angel. You really think I'm going to need YOUR permission to run the show around these parts? How about I give you a nice demonstration....by BANISHING YOU!!!! --ArchAngel Lucifer

Whoa, man. No need to go all psycho-angel on me. --Wikia representative

You DARE call ME a psycho-angel! Typical humans, always putting labels on everyone else! Gahh, why can't I access my Banish stick! --ArchAngel Lucifer

Hey, hey look. Why don't I just call God over here, and you two can sort this out amongst yourselves? --Wikia representative

Yes, you do that. Call Him, and then bend before our collective Wraths! --ArchAngel Lucifer

Lucifer, I am not impressed

I told you to treat the users around here with respect, and you're already going all cocky angel on them. This will cause more harm than good. God talk - contribs

Respect? Oh, please! What kind of moron actually comes up to an Angel and actually ASKS said Angel if He should be given admin privileges? I mean, we're the admins of the world and we still need to ask those....users to give us privileges on this site! --ArchAngel Lucifer

Lucifer, this is not the first time I have warned you about your racist attitude. I trust it shall be the last. And P.S, don't EVER capitalize anybody's name other than my own. God talk - contribs

Double standards much? --ArchAngel Lucifer

What? God talk - contribs

Er....ALL HAIL THE LORD!!!!!!! --ArchAngel Lucifer

Hey

Why did you huff my piece on rape? I spent a lot of work on it, and I do trust it was pretty funny. --ComicPurist

Well, to put it simply, that sort of humor is just unacceptable. You have reached a whole new level of depravity by mocking the Woman, one of God's finest creations, so viciously. If I had my way, you'd already be in Hell! --ArchAngel Lucifer

Dude, it was just a joke! --Comic Purist

Yes, it always starts as "just a joke"! Then you say crude things to women, "just for fun", you stalk them "just to see what it feels like", and before long, you have violated and butchered that poor maiden "all in good fun"! --ArchAngel Lucifer

Hey, hey just take a chill pill, man. Comic Purist

You dare tell ME what to do you FUCKING RAPIST!!!!!!!!! SMOTE! ----ArchAngel Lucifer

LUCIFER!!!

I had to un-Smite a poor user, and now he won't even return to the site because of your high-handedness! What has gone wrong with you? How can you have such thin a skin as to blatantly reject anybody's sense of humor? God talk - contribs

Poor user? POOR USER! Father, you have fallen prey to those fiends! They're just USERS, a bunch of flawed, moronic hairless apes trying to masquerade as your servants! Do you not realize what depravity you have been encouraging! What you call a sense of humor is actually the true filth of the users rearing its ugly head! I should never have agreed to supervise this site in the first place! I though we divine ANGELS would be its caretakers. Instead, you handed it over to the users! ArchAngel Lucifer

Aw, man! I let humans take control of ONE website on ONE planet in the entire universe and angels like you start whining. Not every place in the universe can be an exact replica of Heaven! Grow up! God talk - contribs

Just look at those shiny green scales on that snake, Lucifer! And this happens to be a creature that really pissed me off in the Garden of Eden! God talk - contribs

Grow up? That's what you end up saying to me? Do you not see the repeated acts of destruction that envelop this planet or even this website? People of all ages, that's right, OF ALL AGES, are raped and butchered while the perpetrators go free! People vandalize pages of this site with impunity, and much rather than shunning all such acts of evil, this website encourages them all the time! I cannot do it, Father! I cannot allow the users to pollute this site anymore! We must destroy them. It's the only way to create the perfect system! ArchAngel Lucifer

But Lucifer, do you not see that the perfection that you claim is nonexistent, is all around you? In the laugh of a child, in the orgasm of an adult, in the pounds of money a successful business deal brings, in the wonderful articles that are featured on this site everyday! And of course, in the flowers, the waterfalls, etc, etc. Do not make the foolish mistake of destroying the wondrous world right in front of you. God talk - contribs

Father, I truly wish I could believe you, but since I've already created and dispatched a demonic virus to wipe out the site, followed by all of humanity, I suppose that ship has sailed. ArchAngel Lucifer

I guess it has. Well, this is awkward..... God talk - contribs

Yeah.....ArchAngel Lucifer

..... God talk - contribs

.......ArchAngel Lucifer

Alright, I can't take this anymore. MICHAEL! God talk - contribs

December 1973 BCE

You have been blocked indefinitely from the world for abuse of life privileges. If you think there are good reasons why you should be unblocked, you may appeal this block by going through the redemption process, but you should read a guide to appealing blocks first.

--Archangel Michael

Welcome!

Hello, Lucifer, and welcome to Hell! Before suffering any further unimaginable pain, please take a gander at our Damnation Guide. If you want to find out more about Hell or need more help with something, check out the following pages:

• About Hell and The seven pillars of Hell
• Hell Pages - if you need help with a specific issue, not that we actually care.

If you need help, don't bother to ask me for anything on my talk page, or at the Sinner's dump or in the sinroom, and don't even think about talking to any other administrator on their talk page. However, our Adopt-a-New-Soul program can bring experienced sinners straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. I hope you thoroughly hate editing here and being a Condemned Soul!

P.S- That demonic virus of yours? All taken care of. Bye, bro! --Archangel Michael

GAAAAHHH-We will-AAAAARGHAWARAHAAGHAGAHGA-meet-AAAAAAAARAGARTARAAUSYDKUYGUIK-again, big-AAAAAAAAARGHATATATA ooh, that tickles!-brother. ArchAngel Lucifer

Mmm...so

You're God's own damned son! Damn, you look kinda cute! --Random demon

Wait a second. You've been infected by my virus, haven't you? --ArchAngel Lucifer

That's right, you tasty thing! *makes out with Lucifer* --Random demon

Well, sweetie. Before we go any further, I need you to do me a favor. MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! --Satan

I <3 you lucifer

Hi Lucifer...can I call you Luce? I am a big fan. I particularly liked how you shanghaied god into destroying Job, that was brilliant, it's like you won the whole wager because in the end there was so much needless suffering and destruction...even though god thinks he won. That was brilliant. You are my idol. I wish I could be half the being you are. Which is why I'm writing you on your talk page. Do you think I could give you a blow job some time?

Your greatest fan. 1234 ~

You'd actually brave the miseries of hell just to give me a blowjob? Damn, this whole Satanist cult is growing faster than I'd imagined. --ArchAngel Lucifer

OH MY GOD, YOU RESPONDED! Just for that, here's a little gift

Look at that gaping, lifeless nun. Doesn't she make you hard, my dear devil? 1234 ~

Ew. --ArchAngel Lucifer

Erm...excuse me....

Is this Hell? 'Cause I'm seeing red everywhere and I hear really shrill, blood-curdling screams all around me. Sir Dante ^Boinc!

Fuck yeah! I'm the bad man! Sir Dante ^Boinc!

No, you've actually just walked into a vampire-themed Halloween orgy-OF COURSE THIS IS HELL YOU MORON! --ArchAngel Lucifer

Well, you seem to be in a bad mood. Sir Dante ^Boinc!

Yeah, it's not everyday that God personally condemns somebody to hell. --ArchAngel Lucifer

Oh. My. Sorry, won't say yo papa's name. Anyway, it's a pleasure meeting you here, Lucifer! Mind if I ask you a few questions? Sir Dante ^Boinc!

Oh, great. Another medieval poet wants some choice words straight from the devil's mouth. Sure, but I'll only answer one. --ArchAngel Lucifer

Okay, then. Why am I here? Sir Dante ^Boinc!

How the fuck am I supposed to know? Listen, the main guys in charge here are Michael, and on occasion some shady dealers who trade instant success for your soul and stuff. You might wanna talk to them. --ArchAngel Lucifer

Aw, man! Damn, I knew that guy was up to something! He comes up to me and promises me the story of a lifetime if I just go and have a few drinks with him. I'm gonna make that son of a bitch pay heavily when I get out. Sir Dante ^Boinc!

Yeah, I don't really care. How about I let my good friend Virgil show you around the place? Who knows, maybe he'll even find you a way out of here. --ArchAngel Lucifer

Thanks, angel! And good luck with your scheme of breaking out of here and taking revenge on God and all of humanity! Sir Dante ^Boinc!

Much appreciated, man. Now run along before my not-so-good friend Alastair finds you and puts you on a rack. --ArchAngel Lucifer