Low self-esteem

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Hey there, loser! Congratulations on navigating to this page, that's probably the cleverest thing you've ever done in your life.

I don't know why you bothered, mind you - it's not like reading this is going to make your life any better, is it? In fact, knowing you, <insert name here>, it will probably just make things much worse, seeing as you screw up with even the smallest pieces of advice you're given. Everyone else knows you're a failure; why can't you accept it? Even when you've hit rock bottom, you still continue to sink. You're so far below rock bottom you're in the Earth's core, surrounded by a pool of molten failure. (That's called a metaphor, seeing as you're probably too dumb to figure it out yourself.)

You know, I really don't understand why you have to be so awful at everything you do. But, since you are a complete and utter moron, looks like I'm going to have to spell it out for you, word by tedious word. This is going to take some time. In general terms - and for God's sake, try not to get all weepy on me - here are your problems:

  1. You're extremely ugly. I mean, for God's sake man, at least put a paper bag over your head while you're here.
  2. You've never been out on a date.
  3. I apologize, I take that back. You've never even spoken to a member of the opposite sex.
  4. Your parents hate you. Or hated, if they had to do something radical like kill themselves to be rid of you.
  5. Remember in third grade, when you got a B on that science project? The one where you had to build a volcano or something equally lame? That was the highlight of your academic career right there.
  6. You lack self-confidence.
  7. You fail.
  8. When God made you, he was terribly ill. Then, when he saw you, you made him puke some more and almost caused him into suicide, that's how lame you are.
  9. When you committed suicide, Satan spat at your feet and kicked you out of Hell.
  10. Your pet didn't get lost, it ran under the wheels of a 4x4, because it hates you. Shit!
  11. Because it hasn't been pointed out, you have no friends. The guy who hung out with you, remember him? He was doing it for a dare. He didn't move to Alaska to escape, he shot himself with .22 caliber rifle and then a shotgun. Twice.
  12. You make fat people look good.
  13. You make George Bush look smart.
  14. The only person you've ever kissed was your mom.
  15. The only time that anyone will like you is if you stay away from them.
  16. You think the TV show "Family Guy" is funny. It's not. Watch "Robot Chicken" instead.
  17. You slurp your soup when you eat soup. Dude! Seriously! STOP IT.
  18. You ask me every time you see me "How are you?" when I know you really don't care and are just trying to be polite and initiate generic conversation. FUCK YOU. Either care or don't care but don't patronize me please.
  19. Your favorite color is purple. PURPLE. Goddammit.
  20. You carry a lucky penny around with you. Just because you found the goddamn thing on the sidewalk right before winning a free small fries from McDonalds does NOT make it lucky.
  21. Making testicle jokes every time you see a squirrel only makes you look like a jackass. An unfunny jackass.
  22. No one else but you would have a near-obsessive desire to edit the Wikipedia entry on Dan Quayle.
  23. There are more interesting people in the world than you. Seven billion of them. Go get in line, close to the back as possible.
  24. You eat cheese-based snacks and then shake hands with someone. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.
  25. Nobody likes you. Hell, I don't even know you and I don't like you. That says something now doesn't it? You're a piece of human garbage.

edit So, What can YOU, Mr. Incompetent, Do About It?

Probably nothing. Let's face it; you are, without a doubt, the most hopeless case on the planet. But, because I pity your wretched form, here are a few specifics. Of course, I'm only kidding myself that someone of your dubious intelligence would be able to understand them, but you never know.

Actually, wait: I do know. You're a moron. Here are my suggestions, for no earthly reason other than you COULD, at some point in the future, suddenly shoot up a few IQ points. (Also, I could win the lottery.) Although honestly, at this point? I think maybe even doubling your IQ wouldn't make much of a difference.

Try not to move your lips when you read these:

  1. You're extremely ugly.
    • True. I'd elaborate, but there's no sense in beating a dead horse, I've always said.
    • Really, you are Extremely ugly, I cannot stress this enough. Put a photo of yourself on the internet. It will crash.
  2. You've never been out on a date.
    • I'm not going to waste my precious time with this one either. See below.
  3. I apologize, I take that back. You've never even spoken to a member of the opposite sex.
    • How do I know this? Let's review:
    1. I'm not a moron (i.e. "You").
    2. Because I've seen you. And that's really all the proof I need.
  4. Your parents hate you. Or hated, if they had to do something radical like kill themselves to be rid of you.
    • Have you ever watched television, Sparky? (Yes, I'm talking about the "moving picture box.") Ever seen those commercials where happy families gather 'round the dinner table, the parents happily gazing upon their smiling children's faces? Ever wondered why that never happened to you? Take a look in the mirror.
  5. Remember in third grade, when you got a B on that science project? The one where you had to build a volcano or something equally lame? That was the highlight of your academic career right there.
    • The truth is, your teacher was hung-over at the time and just felt really, really sorry for you.
  6. You lack self-confidence.
    • It's not my fault you're a spineless coward.
  7. You fail.
    • You wouldn't understand if I told you why so why bother?
  8. When God made you, he was terribly ill. Then, when he saw you, you made him puke some more and almost caused him into suicide, that's how lame you are.
    • Too bad you can't pray to him
  9. When you committed suicide Satan spat at your feet and kicked you out of hell.
    • He then resurrected you and made you immortal, just so you can watch everything you ever loved die.
  10. Your pet didn't get lost, it ran under the wheels of a 4x4, because it hates you.
    • The driver was putting it out of its misery.
  11. Because it hasn't been pointed out, you have no friends. The guy who hung out with you, remember him? He was doing it for a dare. He didn't move to Alaska to escape, he shot himslef with .22 calibre rifle and then a shotgun. Twice.
    • I'm not telling you why, if you want to know, read the first point.
  12. You make fat people look good.
    • Work it out for yourself.
  13. You make George Bush look smart.
    • Harsh but true. Even George Bush would of had the sense to kill himself right now.
  14. The only person person you've ever kissed was your mom.
    • Now you realize why she killed herself.
  15. The only time that anyone will like you is if you stay away from them or you kill yourself.
  16. You make to put pee pee in your fat fart face, loser!
    • I agree. Just end it now.
  17. Honestly, you are just a fuckface.

edit Honestly, I Don't Even Know Why I'm Still Trying To Help You

Now that I think about it, I'm floored you even stumbled onto this page. What, did you bang a rock against the keyboard? Maybe you had a lucky trip over your own humongous feet and accidentally landed on the mouse. God, I'm embarrassed for you.

If you still can't believe what an idiot you are, here are the facts. In the following study, 100 people were polled. After being given a complete rundown of your life, they were asked to sum up their feelings for you in one phrase. As you can see,

Results
Statistics don't lie, but you do.
  • 74% of those polled exclaimed Oh God, my eyes! or some variation.
  • 21% compared you to Newt Gingrich. (Which may just be the highest praise you ever get. Don't get used to it.)
  • 4% were Strongly opposed to you--your entire life, everything you stand for and everything that you hold dear.
  • And 1% thought you smelled bad. (Note: The respondent who chose this answer was blind, but assured us that, had he been gifted with sight, he was sure you would have been one ugly sunnavabitch.)

In addition, several people offered additional commentary on you:

  • That's why I cry at night. -Gladys, 27, mailman.
  • I once had a dog that looked like that. Finally, one day I just took the damn thing out back and shot it. Now both of us are out of our misery. -Frank, 31, serf
  • That's a shame. A real shame. -George, 55, paperboy
  • Even I thought he sucked. -Oscar Wilde, McDonalds worker
  • He's even more depressed than me. -George Bush, 22, Manic depressive
  • I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully -George Bush
  • Shoulda been aborted -Your Dad: a poor, smelly, and toothless alcoholic

edit Everything is Your Fault

I suppose that some people believe in lying to incompetent buffoons such as yourself. Not me. The truth is, you are responsible for every Bad Thing. Just give up already. Go die. It'll make all the rest of us so much happier.

edit P.S.

Don't take any of this personally, you over-sensitive piece of shit. Rosenberg Self Esteem Scale

edit See Also

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