H. P. Lovecraft
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“Start with a regular ghost story or some such. Liberally add the words 'chthonic' and 'eldritch'. Make up a bunch of words and phrases with clusters of vowels or consonants, and add those. Voila!”
~ H.P. Lovecraft on How to write a supernatural horror story
“Loathsome, ape-like Negroes!”
~ H.P. Lovecraft's typical opinion on African Americans
“Iä! Iä! Cthulhu McFadden! I SEE INFINITY!! Iä! Iä! Hastur! Azathoth! Azabaijan! Iä! Shub-Nigger-wrath!”
~ H. P. Lovecraft on charges of insanity
“Make Lovecraft, not Warcraft !”
~ Sixties motto of Arkham hippies
How the man known as Howard Phillips Lovecraft came to have an uncyclopedia entry written about him is a fact of whose blasphemous origins we shall never be privileged to know. That it is written at all is miracle enough, for we live on a placid island of literacy in the midst of black seas of retardedness and it was not meant that we should use a spellcheck. The great unwashed, each mashing their keyboards in the darkness of their parents’ basements, have hitherto harmed us little; but someday I fear that their random effusions will conspire to create an article of whose utter, brain-blasting idiocy will send us screaming to our nearest Webster’s (or at least mildly tick us off).
Much of the details of Lovecrafts' birth, curiously twisted education, rise, fall, death, foul renaissance, and crucification on a queerly shaped cross of STygIAN dimennsionssnsn...Ia! Hastur Hastur Hastur!cat-huloo fatanng yang kipperbang...have been lost to the ravages of ineluctable time. We have only this curious, yellowed manuscript, found in an abandoned McDonalds, to try to piece together the story of this monstrous and utterly degenerate cartoonist.
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[edit] Education
When Lovecraft was six he began his education at Arkham Unspeakable Catholic School. A year later he was expelled for excessive use of obscure adjectives in his creative writing class. A nervous, eldritch, breakdown subsequently forced him to be homeschooled until he obtained a scholarship to the privileged Miskatonic University, based in Pickmantown, Cthulhuchusetts, USA, where he studied advanced non-Euclidean geometrics and blasphemous Swedish.
The years following Lovecraft's graduation are shrouded in stygian mystery, though it is believed that it was during this time he made a the first of his pilgrimages to one of the forgotten shrines of elder evil (as marked on the "Providence Guide to Visiting Forgotten Shrines of Elder Evil"). In 1928 Lovecraft moved to the nearby town of Innsmouth, in order to further his education in the occult. It was here that he endeared himself to the curiously degenerated locals, most of whom shared the same surname, and several of the same heads and limbs.
[edit] Career
In 1931 Lovecraft acquired part-time employment as a stripper at Happy Cthulhu Seafood Hut (or, Olive Garden, as it's known in some parts of Lithuania) to pay for face elongation surgery. The "food" at Happy Cthulhu was said to give him the giggles, which in turn inspired many of his darker cartoons. Lovecraft began to enjoy his job and even started experiencing irregular bouts of severe contentedness. To combat the abnormality, his doctor recommended racism.
Though a respected writer of horror fiction, he is best remembered now for his cyclopean comic strip in the Providence newspaper the Daily Groin, where he created the Cat-huloo mythos, featuring a rascally eldritch feline that managed to get himself into all manner of japes and scrapes.
The Cat-huloo strip ran for over 27 years, printed on alternate Wednesdays, and with a bumper 9 frame strip published on Saint Nyarlathotep's Days.
However, with the success of the comic strip, there also came sadness for Lovecraft:
- In 1938, his house was demolished by a swarm of nameless, unspeakable honey-crazed killer slugs.
- In 1929, he attempted to kill Nietzsche's Ubermensch as a response to his harsh criticism of Cthulhu. Failing miserably, Lovecraft was hospitalized with nine broken ribs, three knife wounds, and a critically damaged sphincter.
- In 1942, his wife Marjorie was imprisoned on charges of swan molestation in a Royal Park.
- In 1964, Lovecraft was himself arrested for possession of an illegal and cyclopeanmoustache.
In 1938 H.P. Lovecraft met S.C. Starcraft and W.O. Warcraft. Both soon became his best friends. They spent years writing about each other in various books. These books were the inspiration for the Necronomicon, because no one could read them without laughing a lot; which Lovecraft swore meant they drove the reader mad with terrible, blasphemous, cosmic Truths. In 1942 S.C. Starcraft went to Europe to fight in World War II. He was never heard from again. H.P. Lovecraft lamented on the loss of his friend, and locked himself in a closet for 15 years. During this time, he produced some of his darkest work including the acclaimed tale "It's Raining Elder Gods" which was posthumously nominated for several Hugos, Nebulas and a Bram Stoker Award. His coming out of the closet was a cause for great celebration amongst Lovecraft admirers everywhere.
When the newspaper finally canceled the strip in 1973 in response to the public outcry, started by the mad and sexy Arab Abdul AlHazbeen, editor of the abhorred adult magazine the Bustybimbocron, over the notorious "Cat-huloo shot JFK" cartoon, it was the final stroke for the now tragically depressed Lovecraft. His body was found three days later, embalmed in a strange, loathsome peanut-like oil and transformed into a nightmarish blasphemy with huge, savage paws. A faux copy of the Bustybimbocron was found nearby with a number of unidentifiable stains. He had smothered himself to death in souvenir royal silver jubilee tea-towels, and used the curious Voorish Sign.
[edit] The H.P. is for...
It actually stands for Hewlett-Packard Lovecraft, in opposition to Epson Lovecraft.
Some other theories about the H.P. imply that it stands for:
- Harry Potter Lovecraft
- Highly Powered Lovecraft
- Horrid Plasticity Lovecraft
- Hocus Pocus Lovecraft
- HiPie Love & Crafts
- Hole Philler Lovecraft
- Huge Penis Lovecraft
- Hunk Punk Lovecraft
- Ho's and Pimps Lovecrafters
- h4xX0R Phr33K L0v3Kr4ft
- HeMan/Pokémon Lovecraft
- Head Propeller Lovecraft
- Hut Pizza Lovecraft
Ial Shrub-Nihilanth! The Old Ones wait!
- Hot Pocket Lovecraft
- Heat-Packed Luurve(craft).
- Howard Phillips Lovecraft (Really!)
- Hewlett Packard Lovecraft
- Hit Points Lovecraft
Some "other" theories about the H.P. imply that it stands for:
- Herr Pfiffig Lovecraft (this theory is usually exclusive to Germany)
- Hippo Power Lovecraft
- Hollywood Pimp Lovecraft
- Horse Power Lovecraft
- Horny Postman Lovecraft
- Habemus Papam Lovecraft
- Helmet Polisher Lovecraft
- Humidity Problem Lovecraft
- Hippo Potamus Lovecraft
- Homing Pigeon Lovecraft
- Heiny Poppin' Lovecraft
- Hooked-on Phonics Lovecraft
Some other theories about the H.P. imply that it stands for:
- Hanky Panky Lovecraft
- Hastur Pwned Lovecraft
- Horrible Puke Lovecraft
- Hopping Porcupine Lovecraft
- Hellish Panda Lovecraft
- Hentai-Powered Lovecraft
- Holographic Projection Lovecraft
- Homo Phobic Lovecraft
- Hard Phallus Lovecraft
- Harangued Philanthropist Lovecraft
- Hate People Lovecraft
- Honour Pistachio Lovecraft
- Horrible Paedophile Lovecraft
- Hairy Porpoise Lovecraft
- Hanged Peasant Lovecraft
- Horrible Poet Lovecraft
- Huffington Post Lovecraft
- Homerun Pitch Lovecraft
- Humid Pants Lovecraft
- Hated Pastry Lovecraft
- Ham & Pineapple Lovecraft
Another suggestion is that Lovecraft was actually writing under a pseudonym and that his name is really Dale Winton.
[edit] Trivia
- In honour and recognition of his works, H.P. Lovecraft had a brand of sauce named after him. H.P. Sauce has been a long time perennial favourite, especially in British cuisine, despite allegations that its consumption may carry a risk of accidental invocation of the Elder Ones. Recent tests by the FDA suggest that H.P. Sauce may also cause hallucinations and dementia. These findings are published in the journal Nature, but can not be read in this plane of existence.
[edit] See also
- Cthulhu Day
- Atlantis
- Britain
- Hovercraft
- Hopscotch
- Oprah Winfrey
- Cthulhu
- UnNews:Ask Cthulhu
- World of Lovecraft
- Southmead (really, there is a connection)
