The Lost Boys
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Lost Boys is a 1987 American teen horror film directed by Joel Schumacher and starring Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Kiefer Sutherland, Jami Gertz, Corey Feldman, Dianne Wiest, Edward Herrmann, Alex Winter, Jamison Newlander, and Barnard Hughes.
The film is about a dysfunctional American family that move to a seaside village in California to find themselves in the middle of a dark battle between the evil townsfolk and a band of friendly teenage vampires.
edit The Plot
Just-divorced single mum, Lucy is the mother of two boys Michael (Jason Patrik), a confused goth and his younger brother Sam (Cory Haim), who spends an unusual amount of time in the bathroom. Having just murdered the boy's father, she runs away from the cops with her two boys to the seaside village of Santa Maria in California to start a new life. Arriving in their new home, Lucy encourages the boys to go out and make some new friends whilst she searches out some of the local lesbian hotspots for some tasty new carpet to munch.
Michael takes to wandering around the town thinking about death, whilst Sam runs around having the time of his life hiding under some planks and looking up girls skirts whilst wanking violently. Everyone seems to be settling in nicely until the evening of the local Carnival On The Beach. Whilst sitting on his own considering what it would be like to stick a fork in an electric socket, Michael is approached by a sexy vampire, Star (Osama Bin Laden). She tells Michael to quit feeling sorry for himself and offers to suck him off if he comes back to her cave. Michael is overjoyed at being given the opportunity to meet some real dead people so he agrees to go back with her.
Meanwhile, Sam has stolen a stack of pornographic magazines from a shop and has plastered his wall with pictures of pussies, tits and arses and is wanking himself into oblivion in his bedroom.
At the vampire cave, Star introduces him to the leader of the vampire gang, David (Kiefer Sutherland), who works for the local police on night-shift as a counter-terrorist officer. David explains that the townsfolk all hate the vampire gang and that he just wants to lead a normal life. He tells Michael all about his hobbies of flower arranging, collecting stamps and inventing new flavours of ice cream. Michael cant believe his ears and smashes David in the face with a brick, telling him that he is a boring bastard and that he should be out murdering people and stealing virgins from their beds. Unaffected by the beating, David wanders off into the corner of the cave to read a book. Star fulfils her promise and gives Michael a blow job then lets him fuck her up the arse.
Meanwhile, Sam has found a keyhole in the female changing rooms of the local swimming baths and nearly drowns himself in his own seamen.
Unbeknownst to the townsfolk, the leader of the vampires is a transvestite called Max (Jodie Foster). In her female form, Max seduces mother Lucy and invites herself round to her house for a candlelit dinner, a glass of wine and an all-nighter with a twelve inch two-way dildo. Max plans to settle down with Lucy and quit the double life that she has been leading, but Michael and Sam discover her plot and cut off her legs and throw her in the sea.
Then the film ends.
edit Critical Acclaim
The film never made it in to the cinema as it was didn't pass the American Film Censorship Board's strict rules. The Board's report stated:
|This film is fucking shit. No-one should be allowed to sit through an hour and a half of such miserable bollocks as this. If this were the last film on earth, I would jump in a vat of acid and set fire to my pubic hair before I allowed anyone to waste their precious life watching this god-awful drivel.|
As a result, the film's master copy was dissolved in Coca Cola and nobody has ever seen the film.
Director of the original film, Walt Disney, claimed that he would be making the film into a series "A bit like Rocky." He said that he had a further 83 scripts ready to roll and that funding had been secured from Michael Barrymore. Despite the final scene of the original movie in which Kiefer Sutherland's character David is beheaded and drowned in a bucket of Sam's seamen before being eaten by a koala bear, Disney explains that "Vampires are ok with that sort of thing," and that the character would therefore be starring in the rest of the movies.
Fans of the original movie that has never been seen have been eagerly awaiting any further news since these comments were made in 1988. Several of the fan club members have since died.