UnScripts:Lost (TV Series)
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“Aside from Pointless, the most accurately named show on television.”
“Don't tell me what I can't do, DON'T EVER TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!”
(Hurley and Charlie sit staring out at the sea. They are clearly bored.)
- Hurley: I'm bored, dude.
- Charlie: Me too, Hurley.
(They continue to sit on the beach, doing nothing... at all.)
- Hurley: Hey, you know what we could do? We could, no wait... We'd need... Nevermind.
- Charlie: Prick.
(Resigning themselves to mindnumbing boredom, they continue staring at the sea.)
- Hurley: I think...
- Charlie: What, Hurley?
- Hurley: I think being on this island... must be the most boring thing anyone has ever had to endure in the history of the universe.
- Charlie: I heard that, mate.
(The sea looks inviting, calling to them with its waves splashing softly against the beach. Suicide by drowning is surely an option.)
- Charlie: Look! It's Desmond. He looks like he's running from something.
- Hurley: That Irish dude is crazy. He's probably running from the leprechauns in his head.
- Charlie: Desmond's Scottish, Hurley.
- Hurley: Whatever, dude. And I'm an American.
- Charlie: You're not?
- Hurley: Nah, dude. I'm like, Mexican... or something. Oh, here's Desmond.
(Desmond sprints up and collapses in front of them, out of breath. He looks even more bedraggled than usual, with the top six buttons undone on his shirt, as opposed to his usual five.)
- Desmond: Brothas! I needs to talk to Jack, NOW!
- Hurley: What's up Desmondo? Are the leprechaun hostiles going to invade the island?
- Desmond: What!?
- Charlie: Just relax, Des. What's wrong?
- Desmond: For the last five days, I've been on a meth binge, and yesterday I overdosed in my tent. I thought I was gonna die, but instead, I woke up in one of those hatch stations, but it was different from the other ones we've seen.
- Hurley: I think he's still high, dude.
- Desmond: It had communications equipment, but in ways I couldn't have imagined.
- Charlie: Riiiiiigggghhhhttttt....
- Desmond: But I found out something there that's gonna change the way we think about the island forever.
- Hurley: Mhmmmmmmm... And what would that be, Des?
- Desmond: If what I've seen is true, then that would mean that this island, our lives, are nothing more than a TV show!
(Jack, Desmond, Hurley, And Charlie are in the new hatch. It has lots of computer equipment, and random bits of technological shit that we ignore for now, but will probably end up being part of a massive plot twist at the end of the season.)
- Jack: Why didn't you know about this place, Desmond? I thought you knew about all the hatches.
- Desmond: There were only supposed to be six hatches. Kelvin didn't even know about this seventh one.
- Hurley: Who's Kelvin?
- Jack: Goddamn it, Hurley!
- Hurley: What, dude?
- Jack: Why did you have to go and ask him that? Now we've gotta wait five minutes for Desmond to finish his flashback.
- Hurley: Oops. Sorry, duder.
- Charlie: Prick.
(The three wait impatiently while Desmond has flashback to when he was in the Royal Scottish Guard or IRA or whatever. After five minutes, he snaps out of it).
- Desmond: Kelvin was... my mate... from a long time ago.
- Hurley: What!? That didn't answer my question at all.
- Charlie: Just leave it, Hurley, yeah?
- Desmond: When I woke up here, I played about with this computer for an hour, and I worked out that it used two programs to communicate with the outside world.
- Jack: Just how did you get here, again?
- Desmond: When you're on meth, you'd be amazed at the places ya can wake up at. It was Meth that got me stuck on this bloody island.
- Charlie: I can relate, mate. Until very recently I was addicted to cocaine, but with Mr. Eko's help, I got clean so I could be a good father to Claire's baby, who isn't mine, in case anyone was wondering.
- Jack: That's nice, Charlie...
- Desmond: So anyway, the first program is internet explorer.
- Hurley: That's not very futuristic, dude. We had that before we crashed on the island.
- Desmond: True, Brotha. But the weird thing is that it's locked so that the only website ya can access is something called Uncyclopedia.
- Jack: Uncyclopedia?
- Desmond: I've only used it a bit, so I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I think it's supposed to be like an online encyclopedia, except it's edited by a bunch of complete retards.
- Jack: Oh.
- Desmond: Anyway, I think that's how the others are keeping up to date with events in the outside world. I tried it myself, and it came up with this page.
- Jack: What does it say?
- Desmond: Just read it, ya lazy bastard!
Lost is an American reality TV show. It follows the lives of plane crash survivors on a mysterious tropical island, after a commercial passenger jet flying between Sydney and Los Angeles crashes somewhere in the South Pacific. Each episode typically focuses on the contestants working together to overcome increasingly fantastical objectives, with rewards including food, drugs, new areas to explore, and not dying. Dramatic reconstructions of a particular contestant's past life are also produced every episode to provide background on the contestants. The pilot episode was first broadcast on September 22, 2004, and since then five full seasons have aired with a Sixth currently in progress set to finish on May 23rd 2010. The show airs on the American Broadcasting Company in the United States, as well as on regional networks in many other countries.
Due to its large ensemble cast, special effects, and the cost of filming primarily in Censored, Lost is not only one of the most expensive series on television, but also one of the most expensive things ever made. It was created by a team of scientists and media tycoons consisting of Damon Lindelof, J. J. Abrams, Charles Widmore and Jeffrey Lieber and is produced by ABC Studios, Bad Robot Productions, the Dharma Initiative and Grass Skirt Productions. A heavy handed score is provided by Michael Giacchino whenever the show's plot segues into monotony.
Despite Lost's addictive nature and achieving much higher ratings than other reality TV shows such as The Hills and Ich Bin Ein Celebrity Juden, Get Me Out Of Here!, it has been critically panned for having a farcical premise and absurd chains of events that contrast with the contestants' mundane daily activites. The island contestants in particular, were criticised for their incredible gullibility, as well as their dislikable personalities. A popular petition is available online that requests the producers cancel the show, and firebomb the remaining island contestants.
- Jack: Dislikable personalities?
- Desmond: I could'ne believe it meself.
- Jack: No! This isn't real.
- Desmond: What!?
- Jack: Are you telling me, you actually believe that a bunch of TV executives crashed our plane onto an island, placed hidden TV cameras all over the jungle, just so people could watch us sit around a campfire and bitch about one another?
- Desmond: You're a skeptical bastard, y'know.
- Jack: There is no TV show, Desmond. And if there were, no-one would be stupid enough to watch it. And I'm gonna prove it.
- Desmond: How?
- Jack: I'm gonna pick a direction, and keep walking in it till a solution presents itself, just like always.
- Desmond: And you don't find that to be a convenient turn of events?
- Jack: .... There is no TV show, Desmond. I'm going. This conversation just got too stupid, anyway.
(Jack walks off to have a couple of self-indulgent flashbacks before finding his dad's shoes tied around a tree branch or something and inevitably turning back.)
- Charlie: Prick.
- Hurley: So Desmond, you said there were two programs this computer has to communicate, but you only showed us one.
- Desmond: Aye, brother. The other program is something called World of Warcraft.
- Charlie: World of Warcraft?
- Desmond: Yes, World of Warcraft! Will people stop repeating what I say! It's not like my English accent is that hard to understand.
- Charlie: You mean Scottish, right?
- Desmond: Whatever! Look, the point is, with this program, you create your own online avatar and enter a virtual world to communicate with people from the outside world.
- Hurley: What?! That sounds way too geeky to understand.
- Desmond: It's easier than it sounds. I'll show you in a minute. I just need to get a quick fix.
(Desmond nervously checks his pockets.)
- Desmond: Oh no!
- Hurley: What, dude?
- Desmond: I think Jack stole my meth!
- Hurley: Why would Jack steal your meth, dude?
- Desmond: It was in my pocket a second ago, and now it's gone, and so has he!
- Charlie: Relax, Desmond. Maybe this is for the best. Off the drugs, you could possibly become a wholesome and complete human being.
- Desmond: That's all very well and good, Charlie, but I don't want to turn into a whiny little faggot in the process. I'm going after my meth.
- Hurley: But what about World of Warcraft?
- Desmond: Fuck World of Warcraft!
- Hurley: Oh.
- Charlie: Prick.
- Hurley: I suppose we should try to use this computer game to contact the outside world, huh?
- Charlie: You're more than welcome to, Hurley, but I'll be out in the middle of the jungle, smoking Desmond's meth.
- Hurley: You stole Desmond's meth!? But he thinks Jack took it.
- Charlie: I know. Good plan, wasn't it? See ya.
- Hurley: Dick.
(Hurley begins creating a character on the WoW server and begins playing. He contacts another player, tehultim@tepwner, for help.)
- Hurley: (whilst typing) Please... help... Plane crashed on island... polar bear tried to eat me.
(Hurley waits anxiously for a reply. tehulti@tepwner replies:)
- Hurley: lol stfu noob? Is that code or something? What does it mean?
(Locke walks into the hatch, eating an orange or something.)
- Locke: Hello, Hurley. I'm looking for Jack.
- Hurley: You just missed him. Desmond found this website which says that our lives are a TV show.
- Locke: It is as the island told me. Read more of it.
- Hurley: Okay?
- Jack Shepard: A hardcore spinal surgeon with father issues, Jack is the defacto leader due to his alpha maleness and lack of any strong personality. He has feelings for Kate, which are often eschewed for petty fights and douchebaggery. Continuously bitches about getting people off the island, and then brings everyone who escaped back because the outside world was just as boring as his flashbacks made it out to be.
- Kate Austen: An outlaw with father issues, Kate goes on the run for killing her stepfather (who turns out to be her real father) and is eventually captured by a federal marshal while in Australia. On the island, Kate is attracted to both Sawyer and Jack, but finds it difficult to persuade them into a threesome. After escaping the island, she is put on trial for murder, but subsequently makes a highly favorable plea bargain that does not require prison time. She becomes engaged to Jack and raises Claire's son Aaron as her own, pretending to be his biological mother as part of the Oceanic 6 cover story. Before Sawyer jumped out of the helicopter that would have brought him to safety with her, Sawyer whispered something in Kate's ear, which she will not reveal to Jack. His jealousy becomes the demise of their relationship. She resists returning to the island, but eventually decides that she will. She arrives on the island in 1977 and joins the Dharma Initiative, along with Jack and Hurley.
- Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: A fat guy with weight issues, Hurley also has problems with his father, who went up in smoke and disappeared when Hurley was a child. Has conversations (presumed imaginary by Hurley) with a guy in a bathrobe called Dave, who in reality is actually Buddha reincarnate on the island.
- Hurley: Dude, he's real! I knew you guys were just playing a joke on the fat guy!
- Locke: Keep reading, Hurley.
- Charlie Pace: A whiny drug addict with father issues, he enjoys hording statues of the virgin Mary and endlessly ripping off the band Oasis. Charlie thought his father wished for him to become a butcher of dolls, and so rebelled by becoming a one-hit wonder and drug-addicted ingrate. I'm fairly certain Charlie Sr. just meant for him to get some GCSEs or a BTEC in Joinery or something. Prick.
- James "Sawyer" Ford: A con-man and southern hillbilly, with father issues. Another con-man slept with his mother and stole his father's money, causing his father to get so pissed off that he shot both his wife and himself. Apparently divorce was not as popular in the 1970s. Jame swore revenge upon the con-man, and so took his name "Sawyer", and chose to become a con-man who would trick married women inton sleeping with him and then steal their money. Gaps in logic are all too common in hillbillies of this variety.
- Michael Dawson: A black man with father issues, in that he is a shit one. Proving true to the African-American stereotype, Michael despises Asians, proves all too trigger happy with weaponry, holds guns to the side, and willingly tries to sacrifice up to eight other survivors just to get his son back, adhering to the stereotype of inadequate numeracy. Also: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
- John Locke: A cripple with father issues, John Locke regains the ability to walk after landing on the island, but additionally gains an overinflated sense of ego and a messiah complex.
- Locke: I think we've read enough, Hurley.
- Hurley: No way dude, it's just getting good.
While some of the survivors initially follow Locke, it becomes proven time and time again that John Locke ruins everything.
- For example:
- When Locke makes Boone climb up to a plane for no apparent reason and it falls and kills him.
- When Locke breaks Sayid's walkie-talkie for no apparent reason.
- When Locke insists on blowing open Desmond's hatch for no apparent reason, despite Hurley giving overt warning not to do so.
- When Locke makes Jack push the button inside the Hatch for no apparent reason, and insists others push the button every 108 minutes.
- When Locke decides he does not want to push the button after all, for no apparent reason, ignoring Mr Eko's and later Desmond's warnings despite clear evidence that it actually will have consequences.
- When Locke causes the Hatch, a valuable civilised resource in an otherwise barren island, to explode as a result of this.
- When Locke blows up the submarine for no apparent reason, that would have returned Jack and Juliet to the mainland.
- When Locke throws a knife in Naomi's back for no apparent reason, despite the fact that she would have contacted her people on a rescue freighter, and legitimately wished to rescue the other survivors, aside from capturing Ben Linus.
Perhaps most damning of all, is that whenever these errors are brought to attention, or Locke's objective are questioned, he ends the discussion by declaring the other person wrong without any reasoning, and walks away.
- Hurley: Lol, you just got pwned.
- Locke: Thank you, Hurley.
- Hurley: Seriously, dude. You fucking suck.
- Locke: Right, well, I need to commune with the Island to tell me what to do next.
- Hurley: Isn't that the problem? The reason why you do so much retarded stuff in the first place? Maybe if you actually used logic to figure thinks out, instead of waiting for a dumbass tree frog or something to give you a sign, you wouldn't ruin everything so much.
- Locke: You're wrong, Hurley.
(Locke walks out.)
- Hurley: Douche.
(Jack stomps around the forest, in no particular direct, with no particular aim. Desmond finds him.)
- Desmond: Oi! Where's ma meth?
- Jack: What? I don't have your meth?
- Desmond: YOU'RE LYING! You're trying to get back at me for that time 4 years ago when I slept with your missus behind your back.
(Charlie stumbles out the forest, crack pipe in hand.)
- Charlie: Oh, y'alright mate?
- Desmond: It was you! You stole ma meth?!
- Charlie: Err...
- Jack: Hold on, Desmond. You slept with my wife?
- Desmond: Err...
(Close ups cutting between the different actor's faces. The music fills in an epic crescendo.)
(Back in the hatch, Hurley is hard at work trying to obtain rescue through the computer. Sawyer enters.)
- Sawyer: Staypuff, you seen Jack?
- Hurley: STFU, hillbilly. I'm trying to get us rescued. And yeah, he left about 2 hours ago to go somewhere.
- Sawyer: Whatever, Jabba. What are you doing?
- Hurley: Dude, I'm playing an MMORPG,
- Sawyer: All I heard you say then was something about M&M's, which makes sense because you're fat.
- Hurley: It's a videogame that you can play online with other people. I was trying to talk to people about getting us rescued, but no-one really seems bothered. So for now, I'm just gaming.
- Sawyer: Uh-huh. What else do you do in this game, Colonel Sanders?
- Hurley: Well, this Uncyclopedia website says that the main aim of the game is to click on monsters to kill them, which nets you experience so you can kill bigger monsters, and collect better loot. It's totally l33t.
- Sawyer: Sounds like the gayest thing I ever heard of.
(Sawyer and Hurley stare at each other, wide eyed in suspense at what could possibly happen next while another overblown stem of music crescendoes.)
(Jack, Desmond and Charlie have settled their differences, vowing to later bully Hurley to reinforce group solidarity.)
- Charlie: I mean it.
- Desmond: Bullshite!
- Jack: No way.
- Charlie: I'm serious. It's my honest belief, that the Other's main objectives are to bum-rape small children.
- Jack: Whatever.
- Charlie: Have you never seen Deliverance? Why else would they take Walt off the raft?
- Desmond: No, they just hate other people, especially the blacks. Which is why they tried to take Walt off the raft.
- Jack: Guys, we're back at the hatch.
(Apparently, the amazing trio have adventured round in circle.)
- Jack: We may as well see if Hurley's made any progress.
(Back in the Hatch, Sawyer has set up another computer next to Hurley's so they can quest together.)
- Hurley: Dude, you're supposed to be a rogue! Get behind that thing and do some backstabbing.
- Sawyer: Shut the fuck up, Deep Dish! Even you must find it ironic that you're character is morbidly obese, and eats most of our in-game food supplies.
- Hurley: Use your Hotkeys before you criticise, inbred.
(Jack, Desmond and Charlie enter the Hatch.)
- Jack: Hey guys. Any luck.
- Hurley: Nope, Sawyer's just being a sore n00b.
- Sawyer: I need a whiz anyway.
(Sawyer leaves. Locke enters)
- Locke: Oh hai, guys!
- Jack: Locke, did you find anything while you were out there?
- Locke: No, not really. But I conquered part of my inner psyche.
- Jack: So no, you didn't really accomplish anything.
- Locke: Well, what about you Jack? Did you, or Desmond or Charlie achieve anything or actually go anywhere while you out?
(The three try uncomfortably try not to make eyecontact)
- Jack: Err, Desmond found his crack pipe. Err, Charlie had it all along, so...
- Locke: Mhm, the Island tells me our cancellation is imminent.
(An uncomfortable silence takes place for several seconds before Hurley interrupts.)
- Hurley: Dudes!
- Jack: What is it, Hurley?
- Hurley: I was reading more on this article about World of Warcraft, and you're not gonna believe this/
- Locke: What?
- Hurley: It says here that World of Warcraft was only released in 2004.
- Jack: And?
- Hurley: Dude, right now it's 2003.
(Suspenseful music so loud it breaks you're fucking ear drums plays as the camera cuts around each character's face looking around in fear.)'
- Charlie: No it's not. It's 2005.
- Hurley: ... oh yeah. Sorry.
- Charlie: Prick.