Los Angeles Clippers

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Los Angeles Clippers logo
“In Soviet Russia, the Los Angeles Clippers...shit, the Clippers stink. They do stink, right?”
~ Even Russian Reversal can't believe how bad they used to be, or how good they are now
“Blake Griffin, bitch!”
~ Typical Clippers fan on the previous comment
“Bandwagon, bitch!”
~ Typical Non-Clippers fan on the previous comment

The Los Angeles Clippers is an NBA basketball team whose former reputation was being the retarded stepchild of the Los Angeles Lakers aka The Los Angeles Rapers. As the stepchild, they were always getting burned by every team in the league, and were also known as "The Fire" since everyone burned them down. They were adopted by deadbeat father/owner Donald Sterling, who is/was determined to make sure they remain a laughing stock and a tax write-off. But since the arrival of flywheel dunkmeister superstar Blake Griffin and super-speedy, legendary point guard Chris Paul, there appears to be a slim chance that this formerly lackluster, lame team will win their first NBA championship. That is, unless The Los Angeles Lakers get Kobe Bryant to pull off another publicity stunt rivaling Bill Clinton banging Monica Lewinsky.

edit History

Clippers

Officials pondering what to do about the Los Angeles Clippers, a dumpster fire at the Staples Center

edit The Buffalo Years

The fire actually began in 1970 on a barely considerable little iceberg on the Great Lakes called Buffalo. At the time it was referred to as the Buffalo Braves, because even back then only very brave people dared enter its flames. After burning there for eight long, fruitless years, citizens of Buffalo forgot all about it and it slinked away to a warmer place where it could burn stronger and brighter for years to come.

edit The San Diego Years

The fire received its "Clippers" moniker when it arrived in San Diego in 1978. The reason for this change was because it wanted to fool players into thinking they weren't entering an evil fiery furnace, but some shining new tall ship preparing to set sail for paradise. How wrong they were.

One of the most prominent players to be singed in the flames of its hell during this period was Bill Walton. His hair is still flame-orange as a result of that exposure to this very day.

edit The Los Angeles Years

The arsonist Donald Sterling moved the conflagration of a basketball team to a dumpster in Los Angeles called The Sports Arena in 1984. It was here that Mr. Sterling stoked his greatest blaze ever (apart from that one in Portland). Each year, the fire consumed more hope for any success, and Sterling was well pleased.

So pleased was he, in fact, that he found a new home for his fire at the Staples Center in 1999. This location was already occupied by a gleaming tower of beauty and precision called the "Lakers". This tower loomed majestically over the little smouldering dumpster fire, largely oblivious to its presence. In fact, when people come to observe this paragon of perfection, they appeared to have little care for the nearby disaster.

edit The Los Angeles Clippers Today

Billy-crystal-clippers

Billy Crystal likes to watch things burn

Mr. Sterling has vowed to keep this disaster raging in the Los Angeles area, despite a poorly organized local counter-effort when Blake Griffin and Chris Paul joined the team. The Clippers held first place, in their Western Conference Pacific Division, at least once in the 2012-2013 season, while the L.A. Lakers imploded as three or four All-Star teammates disappeared into the black hole that is Kobe Bryantville, sinking as low as last place in their division during The Kobe Bryant Divorce Proceedings publicity stunt.

edit Celebrity endorsement

While no civilians have been permanently harmed by the raging inferno, local celebrity Billy Crystal has reportedly suffered third degree burns while observing the calamity. Still, he can often be seen encouraging and supporting this conflagration despite its extreme self-destructiveness.

edit The Blake Griffin Years

The year was 2009 and the Clippers were sucking many dicks as usual, when all of a sudden they ended up with the 1st overall pick in the 2009 draft, and selected forward Blake Griffin. Everyone thought that this draft pick was a bust, and for some reason, had red hair on his head like every inferior "redheaded (retarded) stepchild" of the L.A. Lakers. But Griffin, very unlike a redheaded pariah, anal-raped Clippers owner Donald Sterling like a blast furnace. Griffin then sat out for the 2009-10 season because the Clippers were just a "bitch franchise" and were little more than a "flaming dumpster" (actually, the Clippers were a flaming dumpster, but that's just a coincidence). And Griffin accomplished this, without being hated by the fans, by faking a torn ACL.

Blake Griffin 2011 Dunk Contest

However, in 2010-11, when he realized he wasn't going to be traded to the Los Angeles Lakers, Griffin (wearing red, the same color as his Oklahoma Sooners, and his scalp), suited up for the flaming dumpsters and prepared to literally hurdle over Kobe Bryant, as if Kobe were Larry Bird.

He soon became one of the league's most marketable and likable players. In a game against the Los Angeles Lakers, while making a historic dunk with a vertical jump higher than the rim, Griffin pulled down Kobe Bryant's pants and sodomized his asshole, which was 50% larger by the end of the sodomization. Griffin scored 44 points while tapping Bryant's ass for virtually the entire game. At the end of the game, with the Clippers protecting a 1-point lead and Ron Artest had the ball, Griffin pulled his dick out of Bryant and raped Artest, who then died of an enlarged asshole (which increased sevenfold due to the anal ploughing). However, the ball went to Bryant and he scored and scored and scored (nobody else on the Lakers does this), and the Clippers lost again like a "flaming dumpster." But later, Bryant was sore from being raped by Griffin, and Kobe forced his teammate Derek Fisher to give him a rimjob.

It has yet to be seen if Blake Griffin will take The Los Angeles Clippers all the way to the NBA Championship, much less get the team past a wild card playoff spot, and how many more sodomy clinics to Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, and Kevin Durant would it take to get there.


National Basketball Association (2010)
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division: Boston Celtics | New Jersey Nets | New York Knicks | Philadelphia 76ers | Toronto Raptors
Central Division: Chicago Bulls | Cleveland Cavaliers | Detroit Pistons | Indiana Pacers | Milwaukee Bucks
Southeast Division: Atlanta Hawks | Charlotte Bobcats | Miami Heat | Orlando Magic | Washington Wizards
Western Conference
Northwest Division: Denver Nuggets | Minnesota Timberwolves | Portland Trail Blazers | Oklahoma Team Stealers | Utah Jazz
Pacific Division: Golden State Warriors | Los Angeles Clippers | Los Angeles Lakers | Phoenix Suns | Sacramento Kings
Southwest Division: Dallas Mavericks | Houston Rockets | Memphis Grizzlies | New Orleans Hornets | San Antonio Spurs
Other Articles: NBA Finals | All-Star Game | NBA Draft | Current team rosters |

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