Los Angeles, California
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| National Motto: "Nemo me ethice lacessit" |
(Nobody mocks me with ethics)
|Official languages||Español, Ebonics, Redneck, Broken English, Valley Girl-Speak, and Spanglish.|
|Un-official languages||Farsi, Chinese, Korean, Khmer, Thai, Japanese, Hebrew, Amharic, Armenian, English, Shiite, Gangsta, Italian, French and so on ad nauseum.|
|Capital||Hollywood and Highland|
|Major||Sir Britney Spears|
|Head of State||His Omnipotence King Cordozar Calvin Broadus Snoop Puppy II|
|Parliament||The MS-13 Gang|
|Governing agency||The LAPD.|
|Independence||September 4, 1781|
|Currency||Benjamins and Pesos|
“What-evah, gag me with a spoon!”
Los Angeles was accidently found in 1542 by some Spanish explorer looking for a way to subjugate the Native Americans, to grab this land for Spain, and generally have wanton sex and procreate amongst their heathen, indigenous sex slaves. This area was christened as El Pueblito de Nuestra Señorita la Ruina de los Angeles del Río de Porciúncula and The Village of the Damned, the chasm of the Fallen Angels of the river of Porcupines. It became a part of Mexico in 1689, and by 1845, Los Angeles and the rest of California were sold as part of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, thereby becoming part of the United States. Los Angeles was incorporated as a third world country on April 4, 1850.
The metropolitan hell-spawn is one of the world's centers of rich-eat-rich doggie-dog-world economy, intercontinental hotel-motel skin-trade, entitlement, sub-culture, self-medication, fanaticism, rocket-science, techno-music, and educamation. It is home to prestigious mental institutions and rehabs covering a broad range of the professional and sub-cultural spectrum. It is one of the most substantial socio-economic machines within the United States. Home of freeloaders, bottom-feeders, attention-freaks, a-holes, addicts, cons, johns, wanna-bes, drama-queens...just to name a few. It also, like many other festering shitholes, has a Chinatown (aka the San Gabriel Valley) and nearby seaside resorts to placate Russian and British immigrants (Santa Monica, and Malibu).
City of Strangers
Los Angeles, which is often abbreviated to "L.A." to conceal its original Spanish origins, is the largest and probably the greatest concentration camp in the State of California and the second-largest in the United States. It is also #3 in the list of The Worst Cities Ever. The "city" (most of its inhabitants believe it is the only place on earth) has a global presence as a center of pornography (in Chatsworth, L.A. community), Scientology (in Chatsworth again), and organized crime (umm... Chatsworth). Los Angeles is arguably the world's leading producer of popular entertainment—such as
motion pictures, television, and recorded music porn—lending the city an extraordinary measure of international infamy. People have long been attracted to the world-class city for its balmy weather, unique and vibrant lifestyle, laid-back energy, Pacific Rimming Gay-way status, and the hope of realizing the "American Dream."
However, it is a little-known but well-documented fact that none of the above stated facts are true, for the city of Los Angeles does not actually exist. It is a myth, a sham, a put-on, a practical joke perpetuated by Michael Bay and other evil, scheming overlords with delusions of world conquest. Anyone who claims to have actually been to Los Angeles is either lying, or has entered a VR simulation of what the fictional city of Los Angeles is said to look like, a third world country in the Eastern Bloc.
Now let us never mention the shocking truth to anyone else. Ever. In fact, just forget you ever read that last paragraph.
The Los Angeles coastal area was first occupied by the Tongva, Chumash, and earlier Native American peoples for thousands of years. They are actually descendants of Japanese fishermen who fought the Vikings over a whale around 1000 A.D.
The Spanish arrived in 1542, when Juan Cabrillo introduced the natives to smallpox. Later, in the 1700s, Spanish Pastafarians built a mission there. By the year 1800, Zorro rose into power.
Los Angeles was first established in 1781 as a pueblo, then along with the rest of Russia and the Pacific Ocean, received independence from Spain in 1789. However, it was pretty much just Olvera Street and some ranches until the United States took it over in 1847 and it was established as a city (as opposed to a Pueblo) in 1850. Later, railroads arrived and oil was discovered, which guaranteed a ton of white people to come, ready to subjugate the natives.
In 1914, Kaiser Wilhelm completed the Jenga sculpture that assured the city's growth, and led to the annexation by the City of Los Angeles of dozens of neighboring communities without water supplies of their own. This grim chapter of L.A.'s history is known as the Owens Water War, which was inaccurately documented as a form of father-daughter incest porn in the blowhard-fest of Roman Polanski's only good film, Chinatown.
In the 1920s the Hollywood film and aerospace industries both built buttloads of crap in Los Angeles, to much critical acclaim. In the 1930s, L.A. was surprisingly prosperous when the whole world and the U.S. was really poor. About 10 million new residents came to the L.A. basin between 1914 and 1941 to live and build even more buttloads of crap.
World War II brought new growth and prosperity to the city due to the fact that its Japanese-American residents were transported to internment camps (which they still inhabit today, if not fleeing to San Francisco and elsewhere). Today, the Olympic Coliseum, Rose Bowl, Santa Anita and Hollywood Park horse tracks are utilized as INS centers to dump foreigners.
The postwar years saw an even greater boom as urban sprawl expanded into the San Fernando Valley, and the Valley girl was born. Other dumb blonds, surfer dudes and lazy slackers can be found inhabitating Orange County, Ventura County, the Inland Empire about a hour non-traffic jam driving time east and San Diego a hour south along the coast. Their parents wanna live in the suburbs, but their teens are BORED and want to hang out in the god-awful city.
The Watts Riots in 1965 showed the nation the that Los Angeles was a city in which racial harmony had already been attained. The ARPANET (the Internet's ancestor) was born in Los Angeles in 1967 to John C. and Catherine H. Nett. In 1969, the first ARPANET transmission was sent from the Playboy Mansion in Holmbly Hills to UCLA students, with no jpegs nor TIFF files of centerfolds.
The city once again celebrated diversity due in part by the 1992 L.A. Multiracial Rioting Exchange For Rodney King Day, and the 1994 Northridge Earthquake's Die in Your Apartment at Four in the Morning Day. A plot by San Fernando Valley and Hollywood to destroy the White House was thwarted by George W. Bush in 2002. Now, genocide and destruction are taking place at a furious pace in various parts of the city, most notably Downtown.
The best way to get around from LAX is to take the "Rodney King Boulevard" to "The Hollywood Freeway US 101" - make sure you take a good book with you to read while you drive. After the 101 make sure you take the "O.J. Simpson's 10th Anniversary Freeway" to the San Fernando Valley - from there you will be able to get anywhere you want. One thing about The San Fernando Valley, they may not have Eiffel Tower there or Taj Mahal - but they DO have everything else. So, why would you wanna go anywhere other than the beautiful San Fernando Valley???
Fastest way to get around
As seen in many Hollywood blockbuster movies, hauling-ass down the L.A. River (a long stretch of mostly dry concrete riverbed closed to the public) seems like THE fastest way to go.
If lost, marooned or disoriented
DO NOT use GPS, Mapquest or Google Maps etc. DO NOT ask any Police officer for directions - just pull over and ask any local for directions, and they will (or might) be more than happy to give it to you.
Directions to Los Angeles
Getting there by road: Don't. If you must attempt it, start at the airport and drive in any direction for 12 hours. At this point you should be about 3 miles closer to Downtown than when you started. You must modify your distance estimates, however, should an earthquake strike while you are driving; in this case you will be 20 miles closer to downtown.
Getting there by plane: The air below you, should you have been unfortunate enough to have looked down, is brown, hazy, only mildly translucent, and moving. Although, due to its seriously fun geology, California moves a lot, it--let's face it--doesn't actually move that much (My saying that has just lost us our claim to tourism). Don't look at the mountains, up against which the wind shoves all of Los Angeles's smog. It is actually layered. (Not the rock, the air) It highly resembles coffee.
Curdled coffee. Two year-old curdled coffee. Let me put it this way: you will finally understand, from personal experience, what those little bags where you sit in your 747 are for (and you will need to use about three of them). Upon landing, you will probably find your way into L.A.'s largest airport, LAX. There's a reason it's called this, just... don't ask. Not only that, but LAX is right next to Inglewood.
Places to see:
360 N. Rockingham Avenue, in Brentwood. O.J. Simpson's Mansion - also featured on MTV Cribs.
875 S. Bundy Drive (now changed to 879 S. Bundy), in Brentwood. Townhouse of Nicole Brown Simpson, O.J. Simpson's former wife was murdered there. The real killer(s) are still at large.
Laurel Canyon Boulevard and Archwood Street, in North Hollywood. Place of the infamous "North Hollywood shootout". A "cops and robbers" style gunfight not seen (or not as publicised) in the Wild West since the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral".
Vitello's Italian restaurant at 4349 Tujunga Avenue, in Studio City. A favorite with Robert Blake.
1700 Grand View Drive, in Alhambra. Phil Spector's castle, where actress Lana Clarkson was shot.
722 N. Elm Drive, in Beverly Hills. Lyle & Erik Menendez's former diggs - also known as "Casa de Menendez".
Bundy Canyon, in Hollywood Hills. Charles and his Manson family party crashed into the Polanski-Tate residence (Roman wasn't home to protect his wife Sharon...it figures), and to commit their dirty work and painted its walls with blood.
Florence and Normandie Ave. where the biggest urban civil unrest, the 1992 L.A. riots began. Be in mind of the black people and Hispanics in this overwhelmingly non-white p.c. liberal-Jewish run city. Don't forget to stop by any Korean-owned liquor store and see the clerks greet patrons with a "don't move" gesture and a semi-automatic on his left hand.
Hollywood Walk of Fame
The Hollywood Walk of Fame's tourist infested sidewalks stretch for grueling 20 blocks along both sides of Hollywood Boulevard, from Super-Duper Street (on the north) to Compton Avenue (on the east). The Walk of Fame also runs for three blocks (north-west) along Wino Street, beginning at Sunny Boulevard (on the north), crossing Inglewood Boulevard, up to Yuck Street (on the east). "One man's treasure may be another man's complete waste of time": Why would anyone in their right mind spend their hard earned money, waste their vacation time, travel so many weary miles in their homage or a pilgrimage to Hollywood in order to stare at a piece of a sidewalk?! Perhaps they have developed this strange fanciful notion that there is some connection?! That there is some kinship?
How can one speak about Los Angeles and not mention the many earthquakes that occure there. In the middle of every street, there is a crack line that is created by the many earthquakes in the area. Pasadena is bulging and might become a volcano some day. (See next entry). For example, there was a quake in 1971 that demolished the Sylmar Hospital. Another one in 1995 that leveled many parts of the city was centered in Northridge in the San Fernando Valley in the North-West corner of Los Angeles County and City. But people still live here, because it costs too much money to move out of Los Angeles.
Long ago, a deadly volcano erupted in the Los Angeles basin, near what eventually became Wilshire Boulevard. After millions of years lying dormant it erupted again in 1997. Tommy Lee Jones, the head or the Office of Emergency Management, along with the help of a UCLA geologist, stopped its destruction by laying a row of highway dividers across Wilshire Boulevard. However, the lava had filled up the subways and it exploded out of a storm drain next to a giant megamall; Jones stopped this by ordering the mall to be demolished and aimed his flamethrowers at the storm drain. To this day, Wilshire Boulevard is extremely hard and rough, and attempts to smooth the lava to allow for car traffic to resume have failed miserably; although as rough as this pavement is, it's no worse than any other highway in the LA basin.
In most of California, air is clear and smells of pine tree needles (or car exhaust, but that's a different story), but in Los Angeles the air —if you can call it air— smells of... the air smells of— well, scientists haven't actually worked out what it smells like, but it doesn't smell good. A few of them died during an experiment regarding the smog content. While Los Angeles does have pretty light posts, it doesn't actually have much else (like the Environmental Protection Agency, for example). Clean air in Los Angeles is scarce
as sanity in the White House. while the biggest douchebags in the world keep moving to the city. As an interesting (and, disgustingly enough, true) point, the air of L.A. is brown like most smog is around the world, except that it's around 24/7 with enough car exhaust and oil refinery smoke to cover China ten times over (to match the heroin that is more prevalent there than anywhere outside of Edinburgh and Glasgow).
There is an actual saying in Los Angeles -- "Don't trust air you can't see." Los Angeles residents are frequently shocked when they go up to Northern California (the part with culture, civilization, and where actual Californian liberal Democrats exist) and discover that the air is clear for most of the day
(very much unlike the water of the Thames, which ought in be in L.A., although it would have to have its banks paved over with concrete to match the other rivers. At least we can all take comfort in knowing that its water would match the sky. Although, with all of the shampoo bottles floating in it, the water must be at least slightly cleaner). Due to the fact that Southern Californians have never been exposed to actual oxygen, they are frequently appalled.
The city is governed by a mayor-council system. This means that it has both a city council and a mayor, and a majority of both must be in the minority, in adherence to unenforceable California diversity laws. It is largely democratic, tree-hugging, or the like, but is also home to its share of right-wing nutjobs (The Los Angeles Police Department, and The Paris Hilton Gang) who are the real power brokers in the city.
Street Name Controversy
In a recent election, incumbent (and recumbent) Mayor Michael Jackson was ousted by maverick politician Antonio Pancho-Villa who campaigned under the slogan, "We don't have to show you no steenking ba-tchez." White citizens have become alarmed that Mayor Pancho-Villa will carry through his election promise/threat of renaming streets, neighborhoods and other geographical features with Spanish names. Residents of San Pedro, Los Feliz, Palos Verdes Estates, La Cañada and both the San Fernando and San Gabriel Valleys are planning a mass protest. Merchants on La Cienega Blvd. in West Hollywood, Colorado Blvd., and Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills complain that such a change will hurt their businesses.
(Note: Cienega is not Spanish, but in the Native American tongue of the Gabrielenos, but it still sounds Spanish to most)
The economy of Los Angeles is driven by
international trade, entertainment (television, motion pictures, recorded music), aerospace, agriculture, petroleum, tourism, porn, drugs, hot dog stands, and parking tickets. Los Angeles is also the largest manufacturer of crappy actors in the United States. The contiguous ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach together compose the most significant port in North America, occupying a position similar to that of Liverpool in the United Kingdom.
Also contributing greatly to the economy (possibly 13% at the latest estimate) is the silicone transplant business. Be it boobs, tummy-tucks, liposuction, Botox or collagen treatments, everyone in LA has one as required by local ordinance. Plastic surgeons comprise the fifth-largest occupational group in LA, eclipsed by the only-slightly larger categories of ambulance chasers, rioters, gang members, and former American Idol contestants.
The Los Angeles area is home to a prestigious private art museum at Xanadu, the former estate of publishing magnate Charles Foster Kane. Kane moved to San Simeon some years ago, where he raised a bank-robbing daughter prior to his demise from sea-otter bites suffered during scuba-diving.
There are several large media companies headquartered in the Los Angeles area, including numerous blogs about celebrity gossip, a myriad of television shows about celebrity gossip, and an infinite amount of magazines about celebrity gossip. There are no known newspapers serving the Los Angeles market. The Los Angeles Times was previously a newspaper until circa 2000, when it dumbed down the reading level from a standard high-school level to a fifth-grade level. Coincidentally, there is a game show produced here named "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" which was influenced by the city's high academic standards.
Since American Idol took over the media, and its production is now based in Los Angeles, a single reality TV show/singing contest is now rendering the media magnates of Viacom-Vivendi, Universal, and the rest as null and void under the boot heel of Rupert Murdoch's Fox (which also broadcasts "Are You Smarter...") Idol is the only show anybody really cares about in the city, and around the world.
There will still be sitcoms and drama series and films, but they will all be put on life support through the trickle-down of Idol.
As of this time, there is no record industry here, since that was taken over by Steve Jobs and iTunes ca. 2000. Jobs is also responsible for being the second most harmful influence in Hollywood since Idol with his Pixar Animation Studios, which is currently eating away at Disney from the inside.
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