Los Angeles, California

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The Holy Pastafarian City of Our Dude of the Irreverent Taco in the Valley of Los Angeles
LAflag
Badgeofhonor
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
National Motto: "Nemo me ethice lacessit"
(Nobody mocks me with ethics)
LA seal
LA in LA County map
Official languages Español, Ebonics, Redneck, Broken English, Valley Speak (like fer shure) and Spanglish.
Un-official languages Farsi, Chinese, Korean, Khmer, Thai, gangsta sign language most "gangstas" are deaf and must use sign language to communicate, Japanese, Hebrew, Amharic, Armenian, English, Shiite, Gangsta, Italian, French and so on ad nauseum.
Capital Hollywood and Highland
Major Sir Britney Spears
Head of State His Omnipotence King Cordozar Calvin Broadus Snoop Puppy II
Parliament The MS-13 Gang
Governing agency The LAPD.
Independence September 4, 1781
Currency Benjamins and Pesos

City of Angels

Los Angeles (Otherwise known as That One City that's a Waste of Water) was accidently found in 1502 by Swahili-Italian speaking lion tamer Fabio Capello, who christened the town as El Pueblito de Nuestra Señorita la Ruina de los Angeles del Río de Porciúncula and The Village of the Damned, the chasm of the Fallen Angels of the river of Porcupines. It became a part of Mexico in 1689, following its omnipotence from England. In 1845, at the end of the Canadian-American War, Los Angeles and the rest of California were sold as part of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, thereby becoming part of the United States; Mexico retained some territory of California. Los Angeles was incorporated as a municipality on April 4, 1850, five months before California achieved its status as a third-world colony.If you want drugs come to los angeles

Concrete Jungle

The metropolitan hell-spawn is one of the world's centers of rich-eat-rich doggie-dog-world economy, intercontinental hotel-motel skin-trade, entitlement, sub-culture, self-medication, fanaticism, rocket-science, techno-music, and educamation. It is home to prestigious mental institutions and rehabs covering a broad range of the professional and sub-cultural spectrum. It is one of the most substantial socio-economic machines within the United States. Home of freeloaders, bottom-feeders, attention-freaks, a-holes, addicts, cons, johns, wanna-bes, drama-queens...just to name a few. It also, like many other festering shitholes, has a Chinatown (aka the San Gabriel Valley).

City of Strangers

Lardesse
Scenes like this are sure to scare-off tourism and fail to attract business investment

Los Angeles, which is often abbreviated to "L.A." to conceal its original Spanish origins, is the largest and probably the greatest concentration camp in the State of California and the second-largest in the Fourth Reich. It is also #3 in the list of the worst cities ever. The "city" (most of its inhabitants believe it is the only place on earth) has a global presence as a center of pornography (in Chatsworth, L.A. community), Scientology (in Chatsworth again), and organized crime (umm... Chatsworth). Los Angeles is arguably the world's leading producer of popular entertainment—such as motion pictures, television, and recorded music porn—lending the city an extraordinary measure of international infamy. People have long been attracted to the world-class city for its balmy weather, unique and vibrant lifestyle, laid-back energy, Pacific Rimming Gay-way status, and the hope of realizing the "American Dream."

However, it is a little-known but well-documented fact that none of the above stated facts are true, for the city of Los Angeles does not actually exist. It is a myth, a sham, a put-on, a practical joke perpetuated by Michael Bay and other evil, scheming overlords with delusions of world conquest. Anyone who claims to have actually been to Los Angeles is either lying, or has entered a VR simulation of what the fictional city of Los Angeles is said to look like.

Now let us never mention the shocking truth to anyone else. Ever. In fact, just forget you ever read that last paragraph.

His Story, or History, for you products of The Los Angeles Unified School District

In 10,000 BC Salma Hayek founded Hollywood, near Los Angeles, in the name of the Aztek Empire.

The Los Angeles coastal area was then occupied by the Tongva, Chumash, and earlier Native American peoples for thousands of years. They are actually descendants of Japanese fishermen who fought the Vikings over a whale around 1000 A.D.

The Spanish arrived in 1542, when Juan Cabrillo introduced the natives to smallpox. Later, in the 1700s, Spanish Pastafarians built a mission there. By the year 1800, Zorro rose into power.

The puebla of Our City of Almighty Califia, Queen of the Pretty Angels of the Lower Portion Where the Flying Fishes Play and Bump into Each Other, or Los Angeles for short, was founded in 1781 by a flighty former hippie, her strict but golden-hearted airline pilot husband, their scrappy band of lovable misfit kids, and their wacky neighbor.

Bouncywikilogo5
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Los Angeles, California.

Los Angeles, along with the rest of Russia, received independence from Europe in 1789. However, it was pretty much just Olvera Street and some ranches until the United States took it over in 1847 and it was established as a city (as opposed to a Pueblo) in 1850. Later, railroads arrived and oil was discovered, which guaranteed a ton of white people to come, ready to subjugate the natives.

In 1914, Kaiser Wilhelm completed the Jenga sculpture that assured the city's growth, and led to the annexation by the City of Los Angeles of dozens of neighboring communities without water supplies of their own. This grim chapter of L.A.'s history is known as the Owens Water War, which was inaccurately documented as a form of father-daughter incest porn in the blowhard-fest of Roman Polanski's only good film, Chinatown.

In the 1920s the Hollywood film and aerospace industries both built buttloads of crap in Los Angeles, to much critical acclaim. In the 1930s, L.A. was surprisingly prosperous when the whole world and the U.S. was really poor. About 10 million new residents came to the L.A. basin between 1914 and 1941 to live and build even more buttloads of crap.

World War II brought new growth and prosperity to the city due to the fact that its Japanese-American residents were transported to internment camps (which they still inhabit today, if not fleeing to San Francisco and elsewhere). Today, the Olympic Coliseum, Rose Bowl, Santa Anita and Hollywood Park horse tracks are utilized as INS centers to dump foreigners.

The postwar years saw an even greater boom as urban sprawl expanded into the San Fernando Valley and the Valley girl was born. Other dumb blonds, surfer dudes and lazy slackers can be found inhabitating Orange County, Ventura County, the Inland Empire about a hour non-traffic jam driving time east and San Diego a hour south along the coast. Their parents wanna live in the suburbs, but their teens are BORED and want to hang out in the god-awful city.

The Watts Riots in 1965 showed the nation the that Los Angeles was a city in which racial harmony had already been attained. The ARPANET (the Internet's ancestor) was born in Los Angeles in 1967 to John C. and Catherine H. Nett. In 1969, the first ARPANET transmission was sent from the Playboy Mansion in Holmbly Hills to UCLA students, with no jpegs nor TIFF files of centerfolds.

The city once again celebrated diversity due in part by the 1992 L.A. Multiracial Rioting Exchange For Rodney King Day, and the 1994 Northridge Earthquake's Die in Your Apartment at Four in the Morning Day. A plot by San Fernando Valley and Hollywood to destroy the White House was thwarted by George W. Bush in 2002. Now, genocide and destruction are taking place at a furious pace in various parts of the city, most notably Downtown.

The City has many heroes who exist as Los Angeles' royal monarchy, including Ryan Seacrest, and American Idol.

Folklore

Goinoutwest-2

Yep, Los Angeles is THE most western of the good ole Wild West - the Final Frontier. It doean't get any more Western tham this folks - if y'all go any further west y'all will drown in the ocean. Unless you giddy up on your mangy-ass ole pony all the way up do Frisco - but that's North ya see, as opposed to West, pardner.

So if you fancy the good ole Wild West hospitality, the smell of horse piss and cow manure - put on your spurs, hop on your pony and c'mon down to L.A. - yeeeeehaaaw!!!

Everything here is still like in the ole Wild West - lots of land up for grabs, Indians to be evicted, old-timers to be harassed, women to be molested, horses to be thieved, saloons to pick a fight in, banks to be robbed, livestock to be ransacked plundered and pillaged, strangers to be rude to, Buffaloes to be hunted - and plenty of pork-n-beans to go around.

Home on the Range:

Oh, give me a home

where the buffalo roam,

where the deer and the antelope play;

where seldom is heard

a discouraging word

and the skies are not cloudy all day...

Awgins

Firs, back in tha day (or in tha days of way back) it be ass-umed aat L.A. wuz established aftuh de fall uh de Towuh uh Babel - fo real.

Afta de Towuh uh Babel was extir-peated, all peeps wus scattered and lookin for a brand new crib - a'ight?

Nexs, dem boyz aint finna hab no better place to go, so dem gots deir shits an' deir hoes together and moved to tha wes-side - word.

But befo dat, all dem crizzles gots in brothas bidness, cuz dem cracka fools be all ego-tistical an' jeelous mofos - s'up.

Derefo, dem playaz eastablished deir hood on Wes-side, an' all dem wanteed wus to get som bling and hoes - say word.

And fo dat, dem crizzaz be hating dem playaz, TCB - nuff sayd...

Tourism

Getting around

LA-Freeway-Ansel-Adams
Confused? Don't be - just follow the dotted line

The best way to get around from LAX is to take the "Rodney King Boulevard" to "The Hollywood Freeway US 101" - make sure you take a good book with you to read while you drive. After the 101 make sure you take the "O.J. Simpson's 10th Anniversary Freeway" to the San Fernando Valley - from there you will be able to get anywhere you want. One thing about The San Fernando Valley, they may not have Eiffel Tower there or Taj Mahal - but they DO have everything else. So, why would you wanna go anywhere other than the beautiful San Fernando Valley???

The best time for navigating the Los Angeles freeways is Sunday mornings when there is little traffic. The reasons for the absence of traffic include:

—The Catholics are still recovering from their hangover from the night before

—The Protestants are asleep

—The Jews are in Palm Springs

—The Italians are in Napa Valley

—Blacks are in jail or don't got enough begging or stolen money to go buy chicken at either Roscoe's, Church's, Popeye's or KFC

—The Filipinos are singing karaoke or jacking off to a picture of Manny Pacquiao

—The Mexicans, are either eating menudo to cure their hangover from the fiesta the night before, are NOT crusing around the boulevard on their lowriders, cheap hondas, toyotas or nissans, chevy suburbans or silverados with big rims while drinking beer or Tequila or are crossing kilos of weed or coke across the border

—The Polacks remember to wake up early Sunday mornings — in order to set their alarm clocks so they won't oversleep

—The Chinese are making chao ming or stalking shoppers at their 99 cent stores

—The Vietnamese are too busy removing customer's shit, cum or vomit stains at their cleaners shop from the night before or decorating, customers nails covered in fungus at their nail shops

—Salvadoreans are either too busy being nosy with their neighbors or selling pupusas at Mac Arthur Park to have enough money to fix their shitty cars that won't start

—Koreans are busy shooting Negroes who are trying to rob their liqour store

—Guatemalans are too busy trying to learn how to be a Mexican

—Armenians are having a hard time trying to shave their hairy smelly arm pits

Fastest way to get around

As seen in many Hollywood blockbuster movies - hauling-ass down the L.A. River (a long stretch of mostly dry concrete riverbed) which seems like THE fastest way to go.

Featured in the following movies: "Repo Man", "Grease", "To Live and Die in L.A.", "Gone in 60 seconds" and other...

If lost, marooned or disoriented

DO NOT use GPS, Mapquest or Google Maps etc. DO NOT ask any Police officer for directions - just pull over and ask any local for directions, and they will (or might) be more than happy to give it to you.

Places to see:

OJ sta smr

360 N. Rockingham Avenue, in Brentwood. O.J. Simpson's Mansion - also featured on MTV Cribs.

875 S. Bundy Drive (now changed to 879 S. Bundy), in Brentwood. Townhouse of Nicole Brown Simpson, O.J. Simpson's former wife was murdered there. The real killer(s) are still at large.

Laurel Canyon Boulevard and Archwood Street, in North Hollywood. Place of the infamous "North Hollywood shootout". A "cops and robbers" style gunfight not seen (or not as publicised) in the Wild West since the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral".

Vitello's Italian restaurant at 4349 Tujunga Avenue, in Studio City. A favorite with Robert Blake.

1700 Grand View Drive, in Alhambra. Phil Spector's castle, where actress Lana Clarkson was shot.

722 N. Elm Drive, in Beverly Hills. Lyle & Erik Menendez's former diggs - also known as "Casa de Menendez".

Bundy Canyon, in Hollywood Hills. Charles and his Manson family party crashed into the Polanski-Tate residence (Roman wasn't home to protect his wife Sharon...it figures), and to commit their dirty work and painted its walls with blood.

Florence and Normandie Ave. where the biggest urban civil unrest, the 1992 L.A. riots began. Be in mind of the black people and Hispanics in this overwhelmingly non-white p.c. liberal-Jewish run city. Don't forget to stop by any Korean-owned liquor store and see the clerks greet patrons with a "don't move" gesture and a semi-automatic on his left hand.

Places to "make a scene" in:

Ballerinas

L.A. is the place that gives you the rare opportunity to "make a scene"

This includes (but not limited to):

Talking out loud on your cell phone - louder makes you stand-out.

Breaking-up with you boyfriend in public - preferably crowded restaurant.

Sticking your head out of the stretch limo sunroof.

Wearing sunglasses indoors.

Giving your new born child a clever yet unique names: Parsifal, Melhior, Ignatius, Apple, Tiger, Optimus, Porscha...

Showing-off your new girlfriend at the Mall.

Cruising with a rented convertible up and down the Sunset strip.

Getting your spurs all jingling and jangling...

Driving around in your dropped down Honda Civic with a loud oversized exhaust pipe.

Places to be noticed in:

Hoping to get noticed by a music producer? Just play your Banjo, Jaw-Harp or Harmonica outside the Capitol Records Building on 1750 Vine Street.

Want to become an Actor? Well, odds are pretty much against you... BUT, the odds are much better if you become a Rap Star first... Statistics show that most (if not all) "Rap Stars" eventually become actors one way or the other. So quit your job!!! diss your boss!!! and get on the mike, boyeee!!!

Wearing a Mickey Mouse costume at Disneyland - 1313 Harbor Boulevard, Anaheim

Hollywood Walk of Fame

LA HWOFs

The Hollywood Walk of Fame's tourist infested sidewalks stretch for grueling 20 blocks along both sides of Hollywood Boulevard, from Super-Duper Street (on the north) to Compton Avenue (on the east). The Walk of Fame also runs for three blocks (north-west) along Wino Street, beginning at Sunny Boulevard (on the north), crossing Inglewood Boulevard, up to Yuck Street (on the east).

"One man's treasure may be another man's complete waste of time" Why would anyone in their right mind spend their hard earned money, waste their vacation time, travel so many weary miles in their homage or a pilgrimage to Hollywood in order to stare at a piece of a sidewalk?! Perhaps they have developed this strange deluded notion that there is some connection?! That there is some kinship?

  • Take a picture of Michael Jackson at the Wax Museum.
  • Learn how to speak English Ahnold style; "Kalifohnia", "get into tha Choppa!!!"
  • Shop many Souvenir Shops and Gay Boutiques at Santa Monica Boulevard on your way there.

Geography

Directions to Los Angeles

Getting there by road: Don't. If you must attempt it, start at the airport and drive in any direction for 12 hours. At this point you should be about 3 miles closer to Downtown than when you started. You must modify your distance estimates, however, should an earthquake strike while you are driving; in this case you will be 20 miles closer to downtown.

Getting there by plane: The air below you, should you have been unfortunate enough to have looked down, is brown, hazy, only mildly translucent, and moving. Although, due to its seriously fun geology, California moves a lot, it--let's face it--doesn't actually move that much (My saying that has just lost us our claim to tourism). Don't look at the mountains, up against which the wind shoves all of Los Angeles's smog. It is actually layered. (Not the rock, the air) It highly resembles coffee. Curdled coffee. Two year-old curdled coffee. Let me put it this way: you will finally understand, from personal experience, what those little bags where you sit in your 747 are for (and you will need to use about three of them). Upon landing, you will probably find your way into L.A.'s largest airport, LAX. There's a reason it's called this, just... don't ask. Not only that, but LAX is right next to Inglewood.

The best way to get to L.A. is just not to get there at all. You'll be better off that way. Trust me.

Earthquakes

How can one speak about Los Angeles and not mention the many earthquakes that occure there. In the middle of every street, there is a crack line that is created by the many earthquakes in the area. Pasadena is bulging and might become a volcanoe some day. (See next entry). For example, there was a quake in 1971 that demolish the Sylmar Hospital. Another one in 1995 that leveled many parts of the city was centered in Northridge in the San Fernando Valley in the North-West corner of Los Angeles County and City. This is why I no longer live there. That and because there are no jobs for slobs like me.

Volcanoes

Long ago, a deadly volcano erupted in the Los Angeles basin, near what eventually became Wilshire Boulevard. After millions of years lying dormant it erupted again in 1997. Tommy Lee Jones, the head or the Office of Emergency Management, along with the help of a UCLA geologist, stopped its destruction by laying a row of highway dividers across Wilshire Boulevard. However, the lava had filled up the subways and it exploded out of a storm drain next to a giant megamall; Jones stopped this by ordering the mall to be demolished and aimed his flamethrowers at the storm drain. To this day, Wilshire Boulevard is extremely hard and rough, and attempts to smooth the lava to allow for car traffic to resume have failed miserably; although as rough as this pavement is, it's no worse than any other highway in the LA basin.

Pollution

In most of California, air is clear and smells of pine tree needles (or car exhaust, but that's a different story), but in Los Angeles the air —if you can call it air— smells of... the air smells of— well, scientists haven't actually worked out what it smells like, but it doesn't smell good. A few of them died during the experiment. While Los Angeles does have pretty light posts, it doesn't actually have much else (like the Environmental Protection Agency, for example). Clean air in Los Angeles is about as scarce as sanity in the White House. As an interesting (and, disgustingly enough, true) point, the air of L.A. is brown (to match the heroin that is more prevalent there than anywhere outside of Edinburgh and Glasgow). There is an actual saying in Los Angeles (and, yes, this is true) of "Don't trust air you can't see." Los Angeleans are frequently shocked when they go up to Northern California (the part with culture, civilization, and where actual Californian liberal Democrats exist) and discover that the air is clear (very much unlike the water of the Thames, which ought in be in L.A., although it would have to have its banks paved over with concrete to match the other rivers. At least we can all take comfort in knowing that its water would match the sky. Although, with all of the shampoo bottles floating in it, the water must be at least slightly cleaner). Due to the fact that they have never been exposed to actual oxygen, they are frequently appalled.

Government

The city is governed by a mayor-council system. This means that it has both a city council and a mayor, and a majority of both must be in the minority, in adherence to California diversity laws. It is largely democratic, tree-hugging, or the like, but is also home to its share of right-wing nutjobs (The Los Angeles Police Department, and The Paris Hilton Gang) who are the real power brokers in the city.

Street Name Controversy

In a recent election, incumbent (and recumbent) Mayor Michael Jackson was ousted by maverick politician Antonio Pancho-Villa who campaigned under the slogan, "We don't have to show you no steenking ba-tchez." White citizens have become alarmed that Mayor Pancho-Villa will carry through his election promise/threat of renaming streets, neighborhoods and other geographical features with Spanish names. Residents of San Pedro, Los Feliz, Palos Verdes Estates, La Cañada and both the San Fernando and San Gabriel Valleys are planning a mass protest. Merchants on La Cienega Blvd. in West Hollywood, Colorado Blvd., and Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills complain that such a change will hurt their businesses.

(Note: Cienega is not Spanish, but in the Native American tongue of the Gabrielenos, but it still sounds Spanish to most).

Economy

The economy of Los Angeles is driven by international trade, entertainment (television, motion pictures, recorded music), aerospace, agriculture, petroleum, tourism, porn, drugs,hot dog stands, and parking tickets. Los Angeles is also the largest manufacturer of crappy actors in the United States. The contiguous ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach together compose the most significant port in North America, occupying a position similar to that of Liverpool in the United Kingdom.

Also contributing greatly to the economy (possibly 13% at the latest estimate) is the silicone transplant business. Be it boobs, tummy-tucks, liposuction, Botox or collagen treatments, everyone in LA has one as required by local ordinance. Plastic surgeons comprise the fifth-largest occupational group in LA, eclipsed by the only-slightly larger categories of (1) Ambulance chasers, (2) Rioters, (3) Gang members, and (4) former American Idol contestants.

Culture

Art

Miseurjones
Statue of Tommy Lee Jones (in the nude) commemorating the time he saved Los Angeles from uncertain volcano doom. The City of Los Angeles has recently sued Italian renaissance painter Michelangelo for stealing their idea

The Los Angeles area is home to a prestigious private art museum at Xanadu, the former estate of publishing magnate Charles Foster Kane. Kane moved to San Simeon some years ago, where he raised a bank-robbing daughter prior to his demise from sea-otter bites suffered during scuba-diving.

Media

There are several large media companies headquartered in the Los Angeles area, including numerous blogs about celebrity gossip, a myriad of television shows about celebrity gossip, and an infinite amount of magazines about celebrity gossip. There are no known newspapers serving the Los Angeles market. The Los Angeles Times was previously a newspaper until circa 2000, when it dumbed down the reading level from a standard high-school level to a fifth-grade level. Coincidentally, there is a game show produced here named "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" which was influenced by the city's high academic standards.

Since American Idol took over the media, and its production is now based in Los Angeles, a single reality TV show/singing contest is now rendering the media magnates of Viacom-Vivendi, Universal, and the rest as null and void under the boot heel of Rupert Murdoch's Fox (which also broadcasts "Are You Smarter...") Idol is the only show anybody really cares about in the city, and around the world.

There will still be sitcoms and drama series and films, but they will all be put on life support through the trickle-down of Idol.

As of this time, there is no record industry here, since that was taken over by Steve Jobs and iTunes ca. 2000. Jobs is also responsible for being the second most harmful influence in Hollywood since Idol with his Pixar Animation Studios, which is currently eating away at Disney from the inside.

Professional Sports Franchises

Whattaf
This Olympian proves that "beauty IS in the eye of the beholder" as long as YOU are NOT the beholder...

Los Angeles has many professional sports teams. They have two basketball teams, the Fakers (NBA) and the Clippers (JV), two hockey teams (nobody in Los Angeles knows their names), 1 and a half baseball teams, but no professional football. Which is kinda sad.

Two fútbol teams. The Pasadena Galaxy, where David Beckham plays virtually unknown to American fans and the Chivas Aztlan in a former landfill in Carson the stands virtually filled with Mexicans.

Several professional sports franchises call Los Angeles home including The USC Trojan Condoms, The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of the City of Los Angeles in the State of California, The Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of the City of Los Angeles in the State of California, The Los Angeles Queens of Los Angeles, The Los Angeles Rams of St. Louis, The Los Angeles Raiders of Oakland, The San Diego Clippers of Los Angeles, The Minneapolis Fakers of Los Angeles and The Anaheim Dodgers of Los Angeles. Oh, and of course, the Los Angeles Kings/Inglewood Kings.

External links

American Wild West
Towns

Bakersfield  · Denver  · Fresno  · Los Angeles  · Oklahoma City  · Omaha  · Phoenix  · Portland  · Roswell  · Salt Lake City  · San Diego  · Santa Fe  · San Francisco  · Seattle  · T or C  · Tulsa  · Yuma

Prominent Figures

Cowboys and Cowgirls  · Wild Bill Hickok  · Wyatt Earp · Doc Holliday  · Buffalo Bill  · Sitting Bull  · Pat Garrett  · Jimmy the Cowboy

Transport & trails

Oregon Trail · Mormon Trail

Lore

Battle of the Little Bighorn · The Bunfight at the OK Corral

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