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“No Pinnochio; I'm your father.”
Darth Vader (also known as Darth Röbot, Manquin and Pinnochio) was a hard-line, force-fearing, pro-life, red-light-saber-wielding Republican who at one point cornered the market on hyphens. Originally named Anakin Ranma Skywalker he whined and complained a lot, until he fell into the galaxy's luckiest lava pit, which made him a foot taller and dropped his voice several octaves. Until Lando, Mr. Röbot was the only black person in space, which is why he used the word "master" so much. After realizing Skywalker was just his artificial wombs slave name, Vader briefly took the last name of X before realizing it lacked the established brand name recognition.
According to Vader's Encyclopedia Galactica entry by Dark Lord of the Librarians Exar Kun; Anakin Ranma Skywalker, Princess of Iceland and King of Naboo, was given her freedom and race car driving license at age 9, was a bodyguard unable to see windows at 19, was a child robot killer and an adult, cybernetic, child-killer. Unfortunately, Anakin has lost just over half his card duels to Disney president Seto Kaiba, which lead to his re-enslavement and a PENALTY GAME!
During a duel with master Obi-wan, he forgot that the high ground gives you a +1 Agility bonus. Able to telepathically feel the suffering of souls light years away, Obi-wan showed his apprentice the Jedi's morally superior philosophy of mercy by cutting him down into a flaming stump and letting him sizzle. No one is really sure why the hell Obi-wan did this to him instead of ending it there; even Han Solo would have done that. Nor do historians know a whiny bitch who threw tantrums could turn into being a total bad-ass, that remains calm while being shocked by thousands of volts of electricity. Spock tried to Jedi mind meld with the Jedi council at their city state on Coruscant, but he got too confused by the councils lack of any logic.
Recovering from his sports injuries, Darth realized his days of murdering a bunch of children in a temple and choking his pregnant wife were behind him, he'd been born again and baptized in lava. Traumatized by the horrors of pregnancy, Vader would never again endanger the life of one of the lifeless, mass produced, artificial wombs used to make the Jedi's army of disposable, child soldier, state ward orphans. All though he could just clone himself, kill the clone and transplant his majesties midichlorian filled organs; the artist formerly known as Anakin Ranma Skywalker preferred being in constant pain, as long as it also meant being black. Fortunately scientists can now only speculate as to the special effects of bombarding Vader with other fundamental forces.
Episode 1:The Phantom Fetus
Anakin Ranma Skywalker was son to Samuel L. Jackson when he saw a shooting star and wished he had a real boy to call his own. Hell even a muppet child would be better than all this creepy, cheap, CGI, battle orphans shit. You see in Starwar's theres no hanky panky; the Tony Stark delivers and decants all Disney model babies in artificial wombs to their parents. This is a Disney film remember; there can't be child murdering, kids handling weapons, kids driving without a license, domestic violence, slavery, suggested rape, suggested spice smuggling, shooting first, amputation, gun running, or genocide.
Samuel L Jackson concluded Anakins training montage by having her go on walk about in the desert of Iraqis while he spoke with masters Saruman and Jiminy Cricket on Corusant about the Witch of Endor. Ranma wandered the desert until she found a Kraytre Dragon to slay for it's pearl. Unfortunately after murdering the massive monster, she was ambushed and enslaved by Jawas; teaching her that size didn’t matter. That's the first and only lesson.
The Jawas taught the secret of fixing machines and drawing Jawa hentai for her 4 Chan friend Shinji Ikari. Here in a mobile sweatshop run by a CGI stereo type named Watto, he learned to make shoddy electronic knock offs of mass produced products, like C3PO's, I-Pod racers, telepathy blocking infantry helmets, and artificial wombs. While repairing the Lars family moisture farm, a thirsty space whale from the center of Naboo swallowed him whole. Inside the belly of the whale the half child met Don Juan Obi-wan, her dildo and Kid Han Solo and Bugs Bun Binks who owed him a "life debt". Solo had smuggled them past the spacing guild blockade of Naboo using the space whale, having been clever enough to roll a 20 at smuggling. Padme's bodyguard Mr. Spock gives an impassioned speech about the importance of space whales to the planets single biome environment.
Ranma also met the Senator/President/Princess/Queen of Italy/Japan, Padme Mathidla Amidalla who fell in purely platonic love with him at first sight. Padme was looking to buy more child sex slaves to trade with Baron Harkonnen the Hutt and the Jedi counsel. As mentioned by Professor Indiana Jones in The Da Vinchi Code , at the time the Jedi counsel employed castrato's in their symphony for that angelic pitch only younglings could reach. Jiminy Cricket said Anakin was already outside of the artificial womb so he was too old.
The president queen was both more powerful and younger than her senator princess daughter due to midichronotons, tiny little plot holes that appear as the maximum theoretical temperature known as plankt temperature (10^32 kelvin) is reached, allowing time travel to the 70's and 80's, 14 year old's to be elected president queens and magic shape shifting lava pools. Remember that Disney is pro democracy, not pro monarchy like Doctor Who. Ranma also met the senators Queen sized dildo R2D2. President, Senator, Princess, Queen, Padme Mathilda Amidalla waited like Leon the Professional for little orphan Annie to be played by an older actor before seducing him with her fine French wine and the power of the bed side of the force. Young Anakin and his two robots, which had by this time become fine sex slaves, were trained by Don Juan Gin, and his Goa'uld mustache symbiote. Don Juan's taught Anakin the secrets of the force and the yaqui way of knowledge. Although the force was a powerful ally, so was datura and mescallito. Unfortunately Don Juan saw the devil during a bad trip and OD'd while Obi-Wan was passed out from shooting up heroin through his laser needle.
Episode II:The Time War
Anakin became to be hailed as the Chosimbah by Jedi master omnipotent space gas; because all the little bits (the mitochond... wait, no, that's the other bit that likes to create energy) in his blood were moving. It was later discovered this was merely an infestation of head lice caused from poor personal hygiene and perpetual telepathy blocking helmet usage.
Obi-Wan visits Dexter Jexxter at Darth Mc Donalds; a more family friendly place to meet gun runners than the Cantina. After being given detective lessons by a child, Obi-wan comes up with the Jedi rule of two while vising the archives to learn how to read. The Jedi should have have at least 2 copies of their records in case someone deletes stuff from the archives. Obi-Won goes to the orphan factories on planet Jurassic Park; where global warming their God didn't think was real has caused the planets surface to be flooded.
After graduating with honors from the Jedi Academy (despite force choking Ender Wiggin to death in the showers), Anakin became known a renowned lecture on the many culinary applications of the force. During his many exploits selling cheap plastic toys in the force food industry, he killed General Grievous with a can opener and served him like a lobster at Darth Mc Donalds. Anakin pines to abandon his giant bug cooking training to launch his auto tuning career.
The Disney begger turned dark prince romances the princes when he realizes they can stand on a carpet; lift it with the force and fly. Pinnochio sings "When you wish upon a star wars" on auto tuner, as they fly over the desert planet of Agrabbah; because this movie is for 9 year old's. Wait no this ones for teenagers under 13, so they ride Gondola's as Anakin talks about how he wants to blow up Iraqis, and reveals he can make apples fly but not insects on apples.
The Genosis planet or West World, was an amusement park world with Cyber Romans, Cyber Cowboy Bounty Hunters, Space Dinosaurs and Space Bugs attract children to the Colosseum. For some reason the death star is being designed here by PG Xenomorphic Islamophobic space bugs...or maybe it was built by Spacing Guild toasters. There was even a Ridley Scotts gladiator arena filled with PG Xenomorph space bugs.
Inside the mystic arena of other films; Anakin competes against his son Harry Potter in telekimagic laser chess tournaments during the late 90's and early 2000's. I think maybe Master Saruman and General Spiderman are also there. Unfortunately he made the mistake of ignoring Obi-wan's advice on "letting Wookies win," defeating Kid Chewbacca who than rips off his arm.
Sarumon, AKA Darth T. Rex than fights with Jiminy Cricket who reveals he can also fly. T Rex had the most action figures of any character; he also toyed with their emotions the most, (emotions sold separately).
Episode III:It’s poetry!
Distraught by his failing singing career, Anakin started going goth, murdering old people and children, and dressing in all black. Vader's first attempts at dyeing a black cloak resulted in disaster, forcing him to find employment as a cyborg-fetish rent boy for disfigured evil chancellors. Luckily Vader had C3-PO to teach him the whips and ropes of human cyborg sexual relations.
While finishing his second tour in Iraqis, Anakin had sex with Thor's girlfriend. Thus they produced the many children of Darth Vader: Jean Luc Picard, Afro Samurai, Samus Aran, Zeus, Master Chief, Cyborg Ninja, Joseph Campbell, Harry Potter, Jordan Campbell, Joseph Campbell, Colonel Roy Campbell, The Campbell's Soup Can, Jessie Pinkman's Roomba, Captain Jack Sparrow, The Tenth Doctor's hand, Robocop, The Juraian Royal Family, The Shredder, Sepheroth, Megaman Zero, The Power Rangers, Kamen Rider, Ultra Man, Char Anzable, Eva Unit-1, The Big O, RX-78-2 Gundam, and countless other Japanese main characters and robots.
Pinochio learns that the Witch might have been the blue fairy that brought him to life, and is the only person who knows medicine that wasn't CGI or a robot. Mannequin is Jedi mind tricked using the psychology of hand waving hypnotism, and like a zombie accepts the chancellors poorly constructed arguments, despite the lack of any evidence. Gepetto doesn't like them seeing each other after all and tries to stop it. Angry that their love of evil and or reasons to be evil cannot be understood by psychics, the lovers taze Windu out an invisible CGI window. The new student and teacher Break Bad on Iraqis and start slinging some Walter White spice; until Anakin can shove enough credits into a robot doctors credit slot to get help for his dying wife. Except that didn't happen because this movie isn't rated R for realistic portrayals of child murder, domestic violence or medical controversies. That's why Vader can still be made out of Lego's. 
Unfortunately Padme can't even get a bacta tank, because all the robot Doctor's had a windows virus. Jiminy Cricket has also forbid all forms of effective non robot medicine so he'd be the only one to live to 900. Even though Anakin was pure evil except for the love of his wife, he chooses not to use the amazing medical technology of artificial wombs combined with rapid aging to save Padme because...Spock died at this point from the Sith illogic bomb they just dropped.
During a mid life crisis Obi-wan gets jealous of Anakins joy riding skills, so he becomes a the much needed rogue. He pops General Spider-man during a gang war on another dinosaur planet; but than becomes disgusted, because he didn't get to laser shank him. Guns bad, shanking good. Anakin see's the street brawl has a million hits on Youtube, and has to show the worlds that his light saber is bigger than Old boy wan; so he goes to beat up children. Unfortunately Avatr Aang is there and informs Anakin that violence is never the answer, particularly for medical problems. If a teenage girl like Kitara can heal burn wounds than a nine hundred year old goblin like Yoda should hopefully be able to cure Padme of whatever medical problem it is she doesn't show any symptoms of yet. Enraged that a twelve year old makes a better Buddha than him, Anakin preforms a 36th trimester abortion, on 36 children. He doesn't give Padme an Antbortion or use an artificial womb to release her body of the children that are killing her; because one that would be child murder and two, all the artificial wombs got a Windows STD.
Jimmony cricket and the necromancer than fight over Mannequins hand in celibacy as Obi-wan is sent to the third level of Dante's Inferno and cuts Pinnochio's strings after a 20 minute long boss fight. What he forgot was that Vader had earned enough points opening cans of robot and serving sand people, bugs, fish businessmen and his wife for an extra life. This was the only of these video games meant for 13-18 year old's. It specifically wasn't rated R, because Anakin choking his pregnant wife into the hospital with magic is nothing like Bill shooting the bride into the Hospital. The Bride lived from her gun shot wound to the head and even survived comatose childbirth. Gun coma R bad, magic choking coma PG-13 bad.
Padme makes the brazen decision to deny the Kryptonian governments orders and be the first sacrificial womb in Kryptons history since the birthing matrix. Sacraficial womb which is the closest word for natural birth in Disney's new speak. The attention to linguistic details in I-III is superb; the Klonegons have a complex warrior culture still rich with romantic poetry. Mannequin should have read that poetry before he choked his pregnant wife into the hospital. He didn't know what kind of poetry she liked though because instead of invading her mind with the dark side to confirm she didn't have sex with Obi-wan Vader respects privacy. Vote Vader.
In The dark lords speech Darth Vader conquers his lava trauma induced speech impediment and tearfully testifies before the U.N. Vader says the Jedi and the Republic were the ones who used orphan factories, even the Separatists at least had the moral decency to use robot factories. Also despite rumors, their is no photographic evidence of the Empire having any slaves like the Hutts, or Watto. Also, unlike the Republic, the Empire employed more than just the one storm trooper; making them a much more equal opportunity employer. Also the Emperor was quite clearly either secretly a woman in the first draft, like Luke, or the only non robot gay person.
The U.N. recognized the war crimes of the Republic as Vader signs the declaration for the rights of a child. Now every country had signed the treaty except Iraqis, The United Space States, South Space Sudan and Space Somalia. After all, the dark lord of the Sith wasn't a monster; there is no photographic evidence he had Watto killed for owning him and his artificial womb. Like all fairy tales, it ends happily ever after; as the Death Star is shown being constructed by Wookie slave labor on Kashyyyk.
The Time Wars: The series's
In an attempt to reach out to both boys and girls, Time Wars Red and Time Wars Blue were released with the ability to catch exclusive Jedi and Sith and trade them between versions. You could collect all 151 Jedi Masters, including E.T. Count T Rex collects almost as many disposable Sith apprentices, based on disposed of scripts for Episode II. He manipulates the Sith pixie Assaj Ventress using the forbidden Jedi art of basic psychology, stored only on a single Sith holocron of K.O.T.O.R. and Vatican secret archives on Coruscant.
According to the Encyclopedia Galactica, In Time Wars Blue, Ranma took a young Orion slave girl named Empress Ashoka. Ashoka and traveled the galaxy looking for the crystallized sarira relics of great Jedi masters kept in their robot Dagoba's. Only after 500 episodes, do they finally collect all those damn force crystals from the star ship stupas; they also fracture, get stolen randomly or turn out to be fakes. I guess it;s alright though because the note from her grandpa said her glaucoma was really bad that day. Every other time they fight the Narakumancer it's just another Doom Bot. This series was more popular among girl units.
Time Wars Red, was only 5 minutes long but is rendered completely in oil paintings; which unacceptably limited the amount of filler. It mostly featured Anakin's days at Darth Mc Donalds, fighting General Grievous's fried Jedi separatist restaurant chain; which is tremendously popular in Japan. This series was heavily censored in Japan by robot rights groups, due to complaints of extreme amounts of oozing oil and severed circuits. It was more popular among boy units, as they'd already had plenty of male Jedi role models.
Episode 0:The European Union
After marrying the Queen of Naboo, Ranma assumed the title of princess of the volcano planet Iceland as well. It was here she was destined to become the Lord Vader we care about by falling into a magic shape shifting lava pit. During her brief reign as a powerful non royal Disney female, the powerful red headed dark Jedi instituted many popular social reforms...none of which happened anymore. These reforms included...
- Giving the right to bear light sabers to women, fighter pilot licenses for all 9 year old's, and equal artificial womb access to men.
- Legalizing human cyborg relations, including equal access to human mechanics and robot doctors.
- Declaring mandatory midichlorian blood testing for all elected officials.
- Finally declaring slavery both existent and illegal in the galaxy; shutting down the orphan factories on Kamino.
- Restricting use of the Super Star Destroyer to Imperial personnel only. This was welcome as a measure to curb all the Jedi boy racers jetting around in their pimped-up space-whips.
- Ending all religious wars by declaring all religions illegal and creating the Trade Federation of Planets.
- Encouragement of public defenestrations.
- Discouragement of private defenestrations.
- Adopting a vague position on defenestrations to have taken place from a private building onto a public street and vice-versa.
- Ordering all of Greenland's ice to be shipped to Iraqis and all of the sand in Iraqis to be brought to Greenland, thereby solving the problems of multiple single biome planets at once.
- Threatening to erase Iceland with the Death Star should they not turn off their volcano's at night, which make it hard to observe the stars and their wars.
Mr. Vader was twice voted Man in Cyborg Suit of the Year (1910, 1977) by the readers of Galactic Empire Today. It is also known that during this time he fathered Jean-Luc Picard, though Picard himself vehemently denies this, citing it as a genetic impossibility; the reveal in the 5th episode is that Picard is the mirror universe version of Dick Cheney. It is believed Darth Vader suffered from Excessive Sinister Paternal Syndrome at this point.
Interestingly, recent research into the papers of the late Vader has shown that not-so-shocking evidence that he and Bob Hope conspired to assassinate Ronald Reagan over copyright infringement. Remember to have your Wookie's spayed and neutered!
Episode IV:Abandon all hope.
Although the suit was very stylish for his time, but soon became hideously unpopular with dominatrixes when they'd show up wearing the same outfit to senatorial pimp and ho Bacchinals. Vilified by the opposite sex, and cursed by a voice unsuited for Disney musicals, he started his campaign of kidnapping princess of distant galaxies. Lord Vader collected many a princess, until eventually a farm boy force jumped past him, and used his laser axe to cut down the bridge over the death stars lava reactor. Inside the holding cell wasn't his sister, just a couple of droids who said that their princess was in another death star.
Although Vader appears mobile, he is in fact an elaborate Bunraku puppet, moved by 3 invisible storm troopers. Unable to capture the success of I-III by replacing practical effects with CGI, this was the final entry for the series.
Darth Vader made his living for some time after his political stint as a starving internet artist who drew naked pictures of Jawas, and many examples of his work can be seen today. He believed that his paintings were rejected because the artistic establishment in Munich at the time was run by Jewdis. He justified his Final Solution, the Death Camp Star, with the statement 'From my point of view the Jewdi are evil!'
On September 11th 2001, a 9 year old crashed a Naboo Starfighter going hyperdrive into the galactic senate. Darth Dubya appointed Vader Grand Moff of homeland security. Vader made sure the spaceports would be free of rebel terrorists by creating an elite unit of storm troopers trained in the dark side, known as the TSA. Vader served as Grand Moff until in 2005 when he stepped down from power, following an injury to his robotic hip after defenestrating his Chief of Staff for using Vader's private boy/girls urinal in the Death Star bathroom. He declared whoever could best him in a children's card game would be the new Grand Moff of Homeland Security; it sadly made as much sense as galactic politics ever did in this bad neighborhood of star systems.
Embarrassed by this turn of events, he decided to become a professional wrestler. By then, he had ballooned up to 450 pounds, but was remarkably agile, able to perform back flips off the top rope. During his wrestling career, he had notable feuds with famous rock musician Sting, a cactus, and The Incredible Hulk, and formed a tag team with punk rocker Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols. A famous incident involving him was when he broke Yoko Ono's leg in a match and then ran her over with a forklift.
Following his retirement from wrestling, he wrote his best-selling memoirs. Unfortunately, he was killed in 2003 after a bloody feud with Danish director George Mulagagawaladingdong in which Vader insulted Mulagagawaladingdong for his lame special effects, poor plotting skills and ugly mustache. George Mulagagawaladingdong is currently serving a life sentence in Azkaban. The last sighting of Vader outside of Azkaban was when he was seen rifling trough bins in Downtown Manhattan.
Before his timely death, Darth Vader became a ruler of an evil Icelandic Army called "Grænhöðarnir". Members Of this Evil Army are Lord Bobby Fischer, Lord Penguin#, Lord Penguin#, Lord Penguin#, Lord Penguin#4, Lord Penguin#5, Lord Penguin#6, Lord Hrafnkell, Lord Tommi, Lord Sloth, Lord Voldywhore, Lord Milli, Lord Emo Hitler, Lord Majin Buu and Sölvi the Muggur (Muggur is the Lowest rank, equivalent to a Dogsbody or Fluffer)
It was announced that Verizon is in talks with The Illuminati to Resurrect Vader, and have him take the role of CEO and Spokesperson. Unfortunately, in the recent scuffle with the T-Mobile, D.V. dropped his medicine and was coughing for weeks on end.
Darth Vader is known as being best buddies with Bill Gates, the Microsoft CEO, and was constantly enforcing Martian law on the players of Call of Duty multiplayer. Gates explained to Anakin what windows are and how assassins and lazy directors can use them. Vader also helped develop the new XBOX 360 game console, adding a beam cannon using futuristic features only found in the space.
Although most believe Lord Vader dead, he is rumored to have resurfaced in the guise of Pope Benedict XVI. Also, Jar Jar Binks & his malformed, semi-robotic lovechild with the Brave Little Toaster, General Grievous, are supposedly working on a way to resurrect him and rule the universe. In the meantime a teaser trailer, featuring music by Mac Hartney (a.k.a. last-generation Sith Darth Paul) has been posted on Vader's eternally dormant internet blog. The resurrection of Darth Vader is believed to be as popular a pastime as trainspotting was for Obi-wan, and has an equally significant role in the real world.
Being made out of them, Darth Vader is the living logo for Lego's.
Save the Vader charity
As many of you may well know Vader is in his mid 40's now so he is extremely old and nearing the end of his life. Our organization is designed to raise money to buy him a new, pink, force powered wheel chair to help him "spread the love" as he often says, so please send as much money to us at.
- Timothy Zahn
- P.O. Box I,II,III
- Coruscant, EU
So please send as much money as you can to the charity, as Vader and his many illegitimate children throughout Japan and the EU desperately need your help.
So what did he do next?
After Luke Skywalker destroyed his beloved Death Star, he popped him a complementary asthma puffer, given to him by Dr.-1B, the alternative to his ventilator. He now no longer needed to breathe from his stoma ventilator. Darth Vader became a door-to-door salesman and was a great success, (his Jedi mind tricks became very helpful to sell vacuum cleaners) but one fateful morning he was fired for using the Force to choke a man to death after he refused to buy a collection of vacuum bags for an outrageous $14.99, he then turned to homelessness. Later Darth Vader changed his name to Stephen Harper, and became the prime minister of Canada, doing anything Gorge 'Dubya' Bush tells him to do. This is because 'Dubya' blew up Iraques and several other random areas like; Moose Mountain, Saskatchewan, Canada, and then took all their money to make Darth another death star... and to buy him a soda. Although Darth Vader became the prime minister of Canada, he was still homeless as an Iraqis war veteran. Darth Dubya was lied to by senior that they would rule as father and son, but with Darth Harper as Sith apprentice, they could overthrow George Bush senior and rule the galaxy with robot fists!
After he was kicked out of Canada's government he changed his name to Chad Vader and became a day shift manager. He even made a show about it that is published on YouTube. Clint, his evil nemesis, is a fool.
Darth Vader was an warlord on Wikipedia's rival, the Encyclopedia Galactica, until Disney burned any trace of of Vader's dark past. A holocron of the Wiki was found by Darth Mauls master, Exar Kunn. The dark lord of the librarians narrowly escaped the burning of the books and burial of Jedi scholars] that befell the Jedi internet under Disney President Seto Kaiba in 3996 B.B.Y. The Mouse would have no Shadow Droids or Techno Organic Viruses, they had always been at war with East space Asia!
His life came to an end on September 24, 2008 in an imperial shuttle crashed in Dehli, where he was set to be in talks to expand the Empire into India; and creating the Space East India Trade Federation Company.
In the year 1853 Disney President Seto Kaiba was visited by three ghosts and the 11th Doctor, learning the error of his greedy ways. They also played chess against Darth Vader's armor in the form of a PENALTY GAME! The next day he pays for Tiny Fett's new robot legs, and they all celebrate Life Day.
- Star Wars
- Emperor Palpatine
- Star Wars Marital Aids
- Bea Arthur
- Darth Revan, a much more badass Sith Lord with better taste in masks and better luck with women; due to being one 50% of the time, like Anakin Ranma Vader.