The Pinball Wizard
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“Pinball Wizard my ass. It's all about the FSM these days.”
“He's a pinball wizard, he rode the magic bus...”
The Pinball Wizard, otherwise known as Lord Tommy, is the main deity of the cult of the branch of Apartheid Islam known as "Ti'lt." His humble journey from the wastelands of Siberia to the erotic and highly appreciated "Arcade of Olympus" has been documented in the cult's main doctrine, The Guide to Bumping. However, the complex and somewhat distressing tale has yet to be deciphered from Hindi, it's original language, and be published openly.
edit Early Beliefs and Rumors
From early descriptions of Lord Tommy, it was believed that he had been borne from "The Great Pull-Trigger In The Sky," otherwise known as "Press The Damn Spacebar Already!!" However, after the alleged Wars of Rights for Other People in 1729, Ti'lt was forced to take another look at its views and reform to create The Pinball Wizard as their main god and eliminate "The Great Pull-Trigger In The Sky" for blatant ability for naughty references.
edit Creation Story
The sect known as Ti'lt recognizes the following as their creation beliefs: "At the beginning of time and space, great The Pinball Wizard pulled back the mighty thrust of life for three thousand and four years. He finally released His trigger and send our balls of steel rolling over the land to do His mighty will. He soon realized His mistake in letting us roam free across the fertile land and sent a terrible shift of land to create the Magnificent Slant, which sends us back to Him in every ending score. This also created many obstacles in life that we must one day hit head on due to His mighty presence in drawing us ever near to Him. After He receives your ball, however, He will return you to the plain of existence and allow you to make mistakes and ruin His plans for you yet again."
edit Destruction Story
It was believed that, at the end of your life, The Pinball Wizard would fondle your ball and cleanse you of all imperfection. He would continue to do this until you complete His will (which will never happen). However, the chapter of Enlightenments at the end of The Guide to Bumping informed the ancient cultures of a terrible day of "abandonment," where The Pinball Wizard would one day grow tired of us not learning from our mistakes and move on to another plain of life, leaving us at the eternal and terrible state of Game Over.
edit Newer Ideas And Rumors, including Lord Timmy
With the arrival of the fiftieth century, Ti'ltism took a new pathway and turned over a new leaf. After finishing with such trivialities, the cult became much more intensively directed at examining every aspect of the physical representation of The Pinball Wizard, the human known as Lord Tommy.
edit Early Life
Lord Tommy was born Thomas Geraldine Jorganne the Fourth, Jr., to Kenyan parents vacationing in Siberia. He had four siblings, none of which went on to be nearly as important, and two half-dog brothers. He started off as dirt-poor as any other messenger or representation of God and managed to begin his adult life by chopping up meat in a deli in Hong Kong. His true dream, however, was to play pinball all the time.
edit Later Life
Thomas soon managed to access his dream when he was given a grant from Bill Gates. He used the money to build his own arcade, the Palace of Balls, devoted entirely to pinball, and invited all lovers of the game to come play. For unknown reasons, he didn't get many customers. Unfortunately, this is when he was struck deaf, dumb, and blind.
edit Strange Affliction
This rare occurrence of symptoms has only been witnessed one other time in the entire Universe, and that was just some woman from Alabama or something. Ti'ltist scholars have tried to explain the strange nature of a mortal god being such impacted by His universe, but the common theory is just that it made more sense than Lord Tommy losing his virginity. An interesting note is that Thomas had never shown any sort of disability or supernatural ability throughout his life before this event, leading a subdivision of Ti'ltism, Fippers, to conclude that The Pinball Wizard somehow injects Himself into a mortal to enter the world but destroys the body of the mortal in the process.
edit Beginnings as Lord Tommy
After losing his senses, Thomas was inspired to change his name to the more commonly known version, Lord Tommy. For inexplicable reasons, Lord Tommy then abandoned his own arcade and began to traverse the globe, looking for what He signed to be "the Arcade of Olympus." He gathered quite a following of worshippers at this time with His incredible pinball skills, even with his lack of hearing and seeing.
edit Death of Lord Tommy
There are multiple versions of the descriptions of Lord Tommy's death, and most involve his rising to the mystical "Arcade of Olympus." Using scientific research, carbon dating, and name calling, however, we have discovered that Lord Tommy most likely perished walking into a dump truck by accident. His body was probably thrown in with the trash to avoid any legal conflicts, and he was left in the dump to decompose. Anyway, no matter the reasoning, Lord Tommy disappeared off the face of the Earth one day.
edit The Next Launching
Ti'ltist doctrine dictates in obscure language and strange references a second launch of the balls of Lord Tommy. While most Ti'ltists consider these beliefs extreme and unrealistic, there have been revolutionary uprisings within the subcults of Flasshi that claim the next launching will begin as soon as the Cubs win the World Series. (Experts have deemed this threat irrelevant as the starting event is impossible.)
edit Cultural Response
While Ti'lt cultism has remained mostly in the darkness of the Saharan icecaps, there have been a few small but impacting takes on the ideas and beliefs. The Who created a song using the name of The Pinball Wizard on their lesser known album, "Who the Hell is Lord Tommy?" Most skeptics believe that The Who discovered Ti'ltist ideology either by complete accident in a hallucination or through the Internet. Anyway, this song led to the creation of a movie, Tommy. The original name was Lord Tommy, but the producers found the name too long to be in any way pleasing; therefore, it was shortened to Tommy.
edit See Also
- Helen Keller
- Kitten Huffing
- "I am the Law & Order Pinball Machine"