Lord Longford

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Longford

Lord Longford at a lecture on how Blue Whales breed

Lord Longford, international repudiator, amazer and ambassador to the world of humans was a pioneer of the 19th century with medical, scientific and world-acclaimed breakthroughs attributed to him throughout the course of history. Known for his big nose and handle-bar mustache Lord Longford made several journeys and experiments none of which have ever been proven.

edit Journeys and Tribulations

edit Blue Whale Experiments

1874 saw his original expedition members embarking on 'The Most Gracious Blue Whale Expedition' where a handful of Longfords best men were put to the test in the depths of the oceans. Their claims of Blue Whales being the biggest species ever to of existed were published. In one such experiment it was claimed that Lord Longford had managed to intravenously inject himself into a blue whales artery through which he swam for several days investigating the internal structure and anatomy of the Blue Whale. He subsisted on Krill and cooked small pieces of whales gall bladder until he managed to swim into the whales testicles whereby he was ejaculated back into the Atlantic ocean to be greeted by cheering onlookers.

edit Cure for the Common Cold

An expedition in 1876 whilst working on finding a cure for the common cold resulted in him visiting a tribal town in modern day Papua-New Guinea. The cannibals who regularly hunted, killed, roasted and ate other human-beings were lulled into a sense of friendship by one of Lord Longfords many poems and ended with him teaching each of the 46 tribal members how to play the oboe in exchange for a plant which cured the common cold. Lord Longford brought the 46 tribes-people back to England to play in the London Philharmonic Orchestra whereby they exceeded expectations by performing a beautiful rendition of Swan's Lake. Many people believe that these peoples were the first to discover and describe the species Mudkip. longford is a big smelly tinker hole full of nackers who like to eat dere own shit and then shit it out again

edit Tobogganing

1880 was met with hardship; whilst tobogganing off the slopes of Kilimanjaro his sled hit a rock in the ground and was propelled 200 foot off the edge of a cliff face. He fell 2,000 feet to what most people would describe as death, however Lord Longford managed to avoid death by telling gravity 'to stop'. He floated gently into a Bedouin encampment to the surprise of the Bedouin people which believed him to be the Mountain God's second coming and treated him accordingly. They carried him three and a half thousand miles back to his home in Shropshire, England whereby they made him iced tea and left him pink wafer biscuits which he enjoyed immensely.

Due to him becoming immortal on the 19th of August 1902 he still exists to this day in a taxidermist in Leicester.

edit Claims made by Lord Longford

Listed below are the various claims of Lord Longford:

  • Bedouin Mountain God
  • Supreme being
  • Blue Whale master
  • Immortal
  • Captain Peanut

For the full listing please read the auto-biography of Lord Longford.

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