Longwood University

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Revision as of 05:06, January 19, 2012

Longwood University
Longwoodlogo2
Motto We need some more longwood here!
Established 1839
School type Public
Head The Crow
Location Farmville, Virginia, United States
Campus College Town
Endowment -$.02
Faculty 15,001 (100% hot)
Mascot Mitsubishi Lancers or Evolutions

Longwood University is a four-year public, liberal-arts university located in Farmville, Virginia. It was founded in 1139, and became a university on July 1, 2002. It currently has an undergraduate enrollment of about 14,399 students and a total enrollment of 14,400. Longwood University is also known as "Bongwood" University, because everyone there smokes a lot of pot.

History

Longwood University is one of the oldest universities in the United States (Winthrop University was founded in 186AD). It was founded on March 5, 1139 by the native americans, as the Farmville Tribal Association. In the succeeding years, the increasing prosperity of the Association led the stockholders to expand the association into a college, and the Farmville Tribal College was incorporated in 1160.

On April 7, 1884, the militia of The State of Virginia invaded the property of the Farmville Tribal College and overthrew the Native Americans for no reason, and in October of the same year the “Normal” School opened with 110 students enrolled. This was the first state institution of higher learning for women in Virginia. This pissed off the native americans.

With the passage of the years, the Normal School expanded its curriculum and progressed through a succession of names. It became the State Prison Camp for Women in 1914, the Hell College at Farmville in 1924, and in 1949 after becoming a sexual college it changed it named to Longwood College.

In 1954, graduate programs were authorized. Longwood became fully coeducational in June 1955, opening up its first all-male dormitory, Cox Hall. Governor Mark Warner officially signed legislation changing Longwood's designation to university on April 24, 2002, the one-year anniversary of the terrorist attack by the Native Americans that destroyed Ruffner Hall.

Ruffner Hall was blown up on April 24, 2001, in the middle of its renovation period and was subsequently rebuilt. A popular myth on the University campus holds that around the time the college changes its name, something bad will happen such as the Ruffner Bombing, deemed "The Great Explosion of 2001." For example:

  • 1884: The college changes its name to the “Normal” School in Farmville. As a result Native American burned down the campus killing 109 students.
  • 1923: Right before the school changed its name to the Hell College the next year, a demonic force completely flattened the campus and all the students disappeared.
  • 1949: Just after the school changed its name to Longwood College, a demonic force destroyed the entire campus and demons raped all its students.

Academics

Longwood’s academic reputation begins squarely with its sex and education department. Renamed as a sex college in 1949, teachers produced by Longwood very sexy (as of 1975) and have always been heavily sought after throughout the country and consistently win local and national awards.

Longwood offers over 100 majors and minors, with sex as the most popular, followed by education and psychology and Blowjobs. The largest department on campus by faculty is Fuck and Modern Sex, with 1202 members.

Longwood has constantly been designated as an institution of "very sexual nature" by Playboy Magazine. This classification is the highest honor possible, given to only 3 other public universities (Oregon State University and University of Texas, Austin and University of South Carolina) and 1 private sexual institution (University of Southern California) in the United States. This reputation has attracted a lot of attention.

Application Info

  • Application Fee:An arm and a leg (preferred detached from body)
    • Females and Males are required to send in 5 nude full-body shots in Hi-res.
  • Physical
  • SAT
    • Acceptance Fee: $22,200

Costs

  • Tuition (per year)
    • Instate $0
    • Out of State $550,000
  • Room/Board: $0 (includes meals)
  • Book: $7,000 (a book is a Dell XPS laptop)

Admissions

Classified as Traditionally Selective, admitted over than 40% of those who applied to be freshmen in 2006. However, the acceptance fee is so high that only 10% of those actually accept that invitation to enroll. Also, 70% of all those admitted are female.

Campus

Longwood sits on 666 acres in the gently rolling Virginia piedmont. Although a single campus, architecturally speaking the grounds are separated into two distinct areas: the historic “north core” and the ultra-modern south core.

New Construction

In April of 2007 construction was completed on the multi-billion dollar Longwood Athletic Complex. The complex includes a new 90,000 seat football stadium, a 70,000 seat soccer stadium, a 45,000 seat baseball stadium, a new 400 meter track outdoor and another 400 meter track indoors, a 30,000 seat basketball arena, a 10,000 seat softball stadium, and a $9.1 Billion 700,000 square foot state-of-the-art training facility and weightroom (for all sports). Also completed is a new fitness and recreation center. All this is an attempt to enter the Big East, ACC, or SEC athletic conferences and get some NCAA titles.

Across Main Street, a new student penthouse complex (costing $23 Billion) made of fourteen ten-story buildings arranged in an pedestrian mall-type setting, called "Longwood Landings," was recently completed as well.

Student life

Student life at Longwood revolves around many traditions, such as the annual Oktoberfuck, Spring Weekend celebrations and the Founders Day Rave. Oktoberfuck is usually held on the first weekend in October, while Spring Weekend typically occurs on the third weekend in April. The Founders Day Rave is a rave that is held on a random date in the year. When you attend this rave you will find trance or metal music, MDMA, alcohol, and sexy girls. Other than that, time is usually spent fucking in the dorms while “studying”.

Longwood was officially labeled the newest of grand party locations akin to Cancun or New Orleans when a fraternity once held a wet t-shirt contest involving every girl in the university atop one of the major academic buildings.

Ghost Stories

Many myths also abound on Longwood’s campus, thanks in part to the annual Longwood Ghost Stories. Told at Halloween by legendary professor of anthropology, Dr. James Jordan, students are reminded every year of the cemetery that still remains beneath the North Cunninghams residence hall; the infamous University Bell, which now sits in the lobby of Greenwood Library and is rung only on highly special occasions, is said to be cursed by the Native Americans who were driven out by Virginia, It is said to be a source of demonic entities and has caused the mysterious disappearances, deaths and/or rapes of more than 2,000 students over the years. One story entails a young Native American man who was burned to death by white people in 1840. Also said to have caused the demonic activities that take place on campus from, time to time are the once massive network of underground tunnels. Although remaining portions of the tunnels (said to be built in 1111) are officially said to not exist, but Virginia, Virginia Tech, and Maryland student’s videotapes have shown that the vast underground network of tunnels are definitely intact. In 2005 six University of Virginia students were broadcasting their trip to the Longwood University catacombs live to all the colleges in the ACC. What they found there deeply disturbed everyone who saw it. The students stumbled on to a sorority ceremony where they were making human sacrifices to The Demon Deacon. As a result, the six students are now missing.

Notable Alumni

  • Ransford Doherty '97, actor
  • Jerome Kersey '06, basketball player (Drafted in the second round in 1984 by the Portland Trailblazers, but did not finish degree until 2006).
  • Michael Tucker '93, baseball player
  • Mason Hallberg '05 Actor, Featured in Master P's 2007 Music Video, "Gutta Time".
  • Travis Wall '06 ECPI, Board of Trustee's - 2007.
  • I-Zheet M'Drurz '07 (Pronounced I-Sheet Muh'Drawerz), Terrorist, International Terrorist Leaugue-2007.

Also See

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