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“If it ever gets too close to my mouth, we're in for a ride.”
~ A Longinquusimperiumaperophobic

John was going to his neighbor's house. It was okay, though, his friend said he didn't have a TV. This relieved John. John was relieved to hear that his friend didn't have a TV, because no TV means no remote. But John was in for a big surprise. His friend had a remote to turn on his fan. As soon as John saw this, he ran, ran in the complete opposite direction, screaming as though he had just had his kids ripped off of his body.

Remote fear

To many this is the ultimate cause of fear.

You see, John has Longinquusimperiumaperophobia, or what most people would call the fear of eating a remote. Many people now suffer from this phobia, and it is becoming a major cause of concern. The mere sight of a remote drives these people to the point of near-insanity. Television makers, such as Sony and Panasonic are feeling the rough ends of this fear; ever since the diagnosis of the fear spiked, the sale of televisions with remotes have plummeted. People with this fear are switching to the good ol' knob TVs.

edit Diagnosis

Diagnosis of this fear takes a series of difficult steps. It is highly suggested that you send your sufferer to a trained professional immediately. They will confirm the fear that you believe the patient may have.

Longinquusimperiumaperophobics always have a range of very distinct actions that hint at their fear. If you notice any of these actions, your friend/neighbor/family member/prostitute may in fact be a Longinquusimperiumaperophobic. It is suggested that you must immediately send them to your local loony bin.

  • Unwillingness to go to hardware stores
  • Reluctance to go near TV's
  • Screaming when seeing a remote come near their face
  • General fear of anything relying on invisible waves to communicate
  • Negligence of entering an edible remote store
  • Running in the opposite direction of remotes
  • Declaring "I am afraid of eating remotes"

If you know anyone who displays these symptoms, get them treated immediately.

edit Treatment

As a general rule, treating anyone with an obscure disease is very dangerous and could result in death. It is suggested that you should take a series of careful steps to cure the person of their fear. However, if you are not careful in doing so, you too may become fearful of eating a remote. Note: Many people who have attempted to cure their Longinquusimperiumaperophobic have got a remote crammed down their throat as a result.


This child has Longinquusimperiumaperophobia. Note the facial expression when exposed to a remote.

  • Torturing the Longinquusimperiumaperophobic - The first suggested method is to torture the victim. It is suggested that you put them in a room that is completely empty with white walls and a really bright light. Fasten them to wall with rope, and them bring in a box of remotes. At first they will be completely reluctant to continue, but you will just have to go on. Take one of the remotes, preferably a small one at first, and proceed to wedge it down the victim's throat. They will wail and kick, to calm them down just give them a hardy punch in the genitals. Once the victim has had two or three remotes crammed down their throat, their fear should be diminished.
  • Give the Longinquusimperiumaperophobic to a Trained Professional - If torturing the Longinquusimperiumaperophobic does not work, you are left with another possible solution to the problem. The next step is to give the victim to a trained professional. It is recommended that you first sedate your victim, wedge them in a cardboard box, and send them to your local loony bin. Also, along with your victim, send a signed blank check to help "fund" the doctors at the mad house.
  • Kill the Longinquusimperiumaperophobic - If neither of the above techniques work, You are left with one option. You will be forced to kill the victim. You could try to live with them, but we both know that eventually you too would become a Longinquusimperiumaperophobic or worse - dead. So, you should kill them in the most painful way possible, like burning them at the stake or dehydrating them. Also, you could strangle them with a hose, or kill them and make it appear as though it was murder.

edit Complications

If you know a Longinquusimperiumaperophobic, they may have one of a few complications to the normal fear. They may have more advanced forms of the fear, which makes it harder and more dangerous to treat. If you know someone who has one of these complications over the standard fear, you should immediately kill them in some manner or another. Don't worry, you won't get in trouble.

edit Blennolonginquusimperiumaperophobia

This complication is the fear of eating a slimy remote. Very few people have been reported to have this symptom of the fear, but the ones who did soon became deadly maniacs, running around hardware stores and destroying any remotes, slimy or not. If it comes to your attention that someone has this complication, immediately give them shoes made out of C4 and detonate them while they are walking somewhere.

edit Emetolonginquusimperiumaperophobia

This complication is the fear of vomiting while eating a television remote. Don't worry, these people aren't deadly; only prone to breaking people's legs when confused. As long as you give them simple things, they should be fine, but nothing anymore seems to be simple. So, if you know anyone with this complication, it is recommended that you first break their legs and see how it makes the feel. Even if they say they'll stop being afraid, kill them anyway; it's more fun that way.

edit Noctilonginquusimperiumaperophobia

This is perhaps the most stupid complication of the fear. This specific type is the fear of eating a remote at night time. Normally, you see these people wolfing down remotes at day time, but once night hits, they go completely loopy. Most people with this are remote addicts who cannot get enough remotes to eat. So they take advantage of the light time by eating a lot of remotes. At night, they can have potentially lethal rages, so if you know anyone with this kill them immediately, and without mercy. You are killing them not only because they could potentially be deadly, but because of the stupidity of their condition.

edit In Conclusion

The treatment of a Longinquusimperiumaperophobic is completely necessary. If you know anyone, you should probably just kill them right off the bat. However, you do not need to do this; it is just more fun that way.

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