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Longcat (Cattus Longious, Felis Maximus, Longifeles Praelongissima, and in actual Latin: Felis Longus) is a long carnivorous mammal. It is valued by humans as being exceedingly LONG. Although Long Cat is so long, fairly rare eye-witness reports and photographic evidence of the creature are on the increase. Long Cat is regarded by certain religious factions as a semi-messianic creature, whereas others consider Long Cat to be a treasured national symbol. One possible origin of Long Cat is that Einstein created him out of nothingness when he said "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that your signals can consist of much more than a bunch of mews, hisses, and Pidgin English."
Longcat has sometimes been described as lengthy, but not actually long.
Longcat is not affiliated with Caturday, a Cat-orientated celebration held habitually on Caturday.
edit Anatomy of a Longcat
Long cat, as the name may suggest to some of the more observant youngsters here present, that this cat is extremely long. As shown in the illustration Long Cats can grow to be OVER 9000 feet tall and dwarf most major land marks. It has been noted that certain Long Cats remain quite small before experiencing an immense growth-spurt which results in the cat rapidly alternating between LONG and not-so-long before finally sorting itself out and deciding on the former.
Certain organizations fight to abolish the Long Cat, arguing that it's worn out its welcome. Numerous Airlines have advocated and subsidized these organizations on the grounds that Long Cats cost them huge expenses every year when detours or escape maneuvers had to be performed in order to avoid some of the more immense Long Cats. Like no other mammals, Long Cats possess over 9000 cervical vertebrae. Some scientific authorities have argued that this is the key to their distinguishing length.
In the past avid Kitten Huffers have attempted to capture and huff Long Cat. However in the only recorded incident of a successful capture the ingestion of the Long Cat resulted in an overdose and its victim fell into a pancreatic coma. Kitten huffing isn't all fun and games, kids. Consult your friendly local dealer for more information.
In most subspecies of Long cat, the legs are identical to those found in the more common short or normal house cat. However, some types have evolved, and that are so long they have had to develop extra legs (4 pairs, so 8 legs.) in order to support their middle sections. They have perfect balance and almost never trip, and sometimes they don't have legs, Who knows why?
edit In Nature
Because of the length of Long Cats torso the metabolism is exceptionally slow. Everything eaten by the Long Cat must be digested over a 50 year period. Which is a LOOOOOOOOOONG time, in cat years. This could be why there's never been a recorded sighting of the Long Cat doing anything other than wandering around with an apathetic, empty-minded stare upon its feline face. Well, that's Long Cat for you.
edit Natural Predators
The Long cat has essentially no predators ... however it has only one major natural enemy. Recently this unknown enemy has been identified as Tacgnol. Often Long Cat and Tacgnol will meet in order to settle their differences violently. This most commonly takes place in third-world countries and is often ignored by western media. However the President of the United States has an emergency procedure plan should the Long Cat battle ever arrive on America's shores.
A potential military strategy in defeating a rampaging Long Cat is the Star Wars Missile Defense Program. The plan involves circling its legs with a grappling cable deployed until it is eventually taken down. This method was proposed and approved by President Reagan.
According to the Book of 4chan, Longcat will eventually do battle with the evil Tacgnol in an epic struggle for the universe. This battle will take place during the annual blues festival called "Catnarok".
edit Cultural Influences
edit In The Arts
In Plato's classic work Euthyphro, Socrates discusses Longcat, asking Euthyphro, "Is Longcat long because he is Longcat, or is he Longcat because he is long?"
edit The War
No one know the EXACT date of the Kitten vs. Human War, but it was probably the most EPIC war of all time. There are only 2 living survivors, Longcat and Tacgnol . 3/4 of all soldiers were killed during the war. The war ended with the assassination of General Bonkers of the Cats.
edit National Animal
The Long Cat was once regarded as the United States national symbol before the adoption of the Bald Eagle later in creation of the nation. During the Kitten vs. Human war, a stuffed Long Cat was propped up as a symbol of victory, however the enemy kitten combatants assumed that this was the corpse of a former comrade tauntingly strung up and this soon caused an escalation of violence. Thus America adopted the Bald Eagle as its new National Animal, however some have suggested a return to the original Long Cat way and numerous petitions have emerged to encourage administrative reform.
edit Usage in mathematics
The long cat Cl is defined as the cartesian product of the cat with the first uncountable ordinal ω1. Intuitively, the long cat is like an ordinary cat, but much "longer". The long cat is a normal Hausdorff cat, but it is not metrisable. Historically, the long cat arose from efforts to transfer the ideas behind the long line to cat theory.
edit Short Cat
First theorized to exist by Newton when he wrote the 11th law of Feline Thermodynamics at least 100 years ago, Short Cat is a mysterious creature that appears to be the polar opposite of Long Cat in most respects. It is the national animal of Liechtenstein, and like that pointless country is very small indeed, tending to reach a maximum length of just a few inches.
Short Cats demand total respect and are extremely sensitive about their status in the cat world. It is not unusual to spot meetings of Short Cats where they discuss their shortcomings and failures. Breeding is difficult for Short Cats as potential mates desperate enough to allow such genetic throwbacks to breed with them are few and far between. Fortunately, Short cats live longer and eat short mice and get frightened by Wide Dog. With shorter heads comes shorter brains, shorter brains come low temper; try not to enrage a Short Cat as they can do nothing.