Derry

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“It's a hole handle bars”
~ Oscar Wilde on coping with Derry
“You're listening to Radio Foyle”
~ BBC Northern Ireland imposing British propaganda on Derry
Derry

The great city of Derry (by "great" we mean "big").

London-fuckin-derry (known by some locals as 'It's fuckin' Derry ya Jaffa bastard!', or alternatively "it's LONDONderry ya fenian cont yee") is a small peaceful city on the outskirts of Northern Ireland. The city is famous for its historical wall in the city centre, and was also famous in the seventies for its large population of English soldiers marching through the streets to make sure no Derry person would slip-up by "insulting" the Queen or "accidently" entering a Catholic Church. However, after the Soviet Union collapsed in the late 80s, North Korea England lost one of its major backers and the British Empire fell, freeing the Derry population from their oppression.

Whereas the rest of Northern Ireland decided to improved their cities, Derry couldn't be arsed. After removing "London" from the name, and failing to do anything else to improve, Derry's industry of chavs, alcohol and rap boomed, and thus modern day Derry was born.

Places of Note

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Culture

SkinheadMiddleFinger

In order to distance itself from the rest of Ireland, Derry citizens have invented a unique "hello" gesture to replace the traditional wave.

Derry has a unique and fascinating culture unmatched by the rest of Ireland; so much so, that it was voted City of Culture 2013. The Derry city council squee over this and love to brag about it, primarily because they have nothing else to brag about. Its culture is indeed so magnificent, that England fought a lot (and by "fought", we mean "slaughtered") just to keep the city.

Local Pastimes

On weekends, Derry citizens enjoy heading to the city centre, where such gems as the Foyleside shopping mall and Tesco are located, to engage in a long day of shopping, usually bringing along a brick or a blunt object such as a crowbar; this pastime is so enjoyed that after going to the shops, Derry folk will return with an armful of goods and all sorts of products stuff in their pockets, often spending less than £2 pounds on their spree (that £2 pounds is spent entirely on betting). The shopkeepers aren't at all angered by this; the products they sell are in fact stolen themselves, from nearby ares such as Belfast to be sold back home.

Education

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Derry.

Derry is seen to have a very good education system, with over 6 people per year graduating from their different schools. There are many secondary schools (by Derry standards, two is a high number) in which young people from the ages of 11 to 18 attend. Such schools include:

  • The College - The College (founded by St Columb) is pretty much the only legal secondary school (not a college) in Derry. Despite the fact its students live within the range of one damn city, the school sends several school buses around all of Derry, even when only one or two is necessary. The school was once a Catholic school, but this declined in the 70s, when priests (who were working in the school) were shot trying to enter the premises by soldiers. The soldiers, who had suspiciously familiar accents, maintained that they were defending the children from molestation, denying that they were defending them from Catholicism.
Accordionschool

Education is heavy in Derry.

  • St. Joe's - located in a warehouse, this school is an illegally privately run facility that runs mainly on donations given to the school by the police, and the school in return kindly releases the school inspector being held hostage at the time of donation. The school is considered one of the best schools in Ireland for chemistry lessons, and many students leave the school with enough skill to make a living as chemists. Other lessons include writing letters for their English lessons (using the address of the local police), work-out sessions in their gym, maths (specialising in accountancy), and target practise.
  • Oakgrove - Oakgrove is a renowned school (well, it's almost a school). Its students are usually either hugely uneducated, moderately retarded, or pregnant - this phenomena is quite unusual for a nursery. The school usually hires Greek immigrants as teachers; renowned teacher Mr Kontos is in fact well known in Derry for having taught kids since 2011 without even knowing a word of English. However, he is quick to defend himself, stating that while he knows next-to-no English, he can still speak it better than most Derry natives can.

Learn to speak Derry

For your convenience the following phrases have been provided to assist you when travelling to Derry:

  • Aye - Yes
  • Down 'uh Town, i - the city centre
  • Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite - shite
  • Wayne – A popular footballer
  • Wain - "child"; to be confused with the above ManU player
  • Wee - small
  • Yer Ma - A local woman, known about town. Popular around secondary school children, e.g "How much does that cost?" "A lot less than Yer Ma did last night"

See Also

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