London Underground
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“You think it was bad in the past? I am mayor now!”
~ Boris Johnson MP
“When one is tired of the London Underground, he takes a mainline train. Or sometimes a black cab if he's going to the only 24 hour Tesco for miles around, in deepest darkest Brixton.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Tube
The London Underground was opened to the public on 10th January, 1803. It is therefore the oldest method of making yourself late in history. It is run by Vauxhall Primary School. However, the London Underground began as a political movement founded in 1755 by Oscar Wilde, who was known for his passion for being in dark environments.
Beneath the London's main streets, lies the London Underground deep below the uranium rich soil, above it, of course, the London Overground. It's a well known fact train drivers who manage to arrive on time are punished, and that if you are too fast moving through the barriers you will be shot on sight. If you manage to get off at your stop without being hassled by a busker or having your pockets picked, you will also be shot.
[edit] The Lines
- The White Lines (don't do it!)
- Holborn to Portsmouth line (beige) Don't go to Portsmouth, it's where Geoffrey comes from.
- Rural line (maroon).
- Oval line (yellow).
- The "Mind the gap" line (also yellow)
- Wicked-willy line (aroused skin coloured)
- The Don't Bother With Any Of the Stations On This Line, It's Quicker To Get A Bus From Barking Line (green).
- Barnet Fair line (orange).
- Essenerjones and City line (pink).
- Eurovision Song Contest and City line (turquoise).
- The-Wait-forever-due-to-leaves-on-the-line-again line(black).
- 99 + 4i line (grey).
- Kevinfeder Line (transparent)
- Pick-a-willy line (dark blue). NOTE: This is the most famous line.
- Great Circle Line (not shown)
- Plimsole Line (snazzy)
- Facking 'Ell to Aey Bot'ela o Wart-ah Line (cherry flavoured). NOTE: Fucking Hell to A Bottle of Water Line for you non-cockney GEEZAS.
- Ocelot Line (the colour of fear).
[edit] The Dollis Hill Loop
I.e. where not to get stuck when you are playing Mornington Crescent. (Hint: Always leave an active green token on un-blocked diagonals.)
[edit] Holborn to Portsmouth line (beige)
This line, endorsed by Britain's Complimentary Task Society (BCTS) and Semi-Hypocritical Intellegent Transport (SHIT), stops nowhere except Holborn and Portsmouth. Strange!
[edit] Docklands Funny Lights Railway (white line)
Smack dab (pun intended) in London's east, preside no end of pilferers, thieves and cockney gits all hepped off on goof balls or whatever they can get their filthy mits on guv'nor. Commuters are often seen doing the white line in this part of town.
For some reason the line goes to East India and Cyprus but whether this is a bad trip remains to be seen. One thing is for certain, all of the lights in the stations flicker at bizarre frequencies just to keep people pacified. Can one really see the music?
In order to curb spiralling construction costs in the mid-1990s, halfway through the building of the white line all architectural design work was abruptly handed over to Mr C from the Prodigy architectural partnership. As a result, the architectural "look and feel" of all stations on the White line take influences mainly from The Death Star nightclub in Romford and Tower Hamlets Local Education Authority children's climbing frames.
Ps. Stephen is Ninjaz.
[edit] Queen Victoria Line (light blue)
The Queen Victoria Line was built during the Industrial Revolution however no trains ran for nearly 100 years. When Queen Victoria herself decided to ride the line that bore her name she was surprisingly not amused.
This Line cost something in the order of nearly £40 trillion to build. Some have often said that this was more than an arm or a leg, but in reality it costs far more than that; one station still tells of this story to this day with its name coming from that hideous cost: St Pancreas. The line suffers crowding due to the amount of people using it to escape Brixton or send reinforcements to football hooligan battles around Tottenham Hotspur and Arsenal grounds and thanks to the fact the line is entirely underground they cannot be detected. There is a constant drone in the background normally considered to be tunnel wind noise - infact, it is the echoing groans from commuters in the train ahead. Each carriage is capable of carry 1,000 people and the occasional terrorist at a time, before being taken out of service to the motuary at Northumberland Park Depot to empty those who could not survive the experience. In the past, they have also used the crematorium at King's Cross St. Pancreas such as in 1987.
[edit] Central Line (red)
Ever wanted to go to Broadway? The lights are much brighter when you're och doontoon.
The Central Line passes right through the heart of London, that is it literally goes through the cardio-unit of St John's hospital. Travellers often get a quick glimpse of open heart surgery if they quickly look out of the window. Trains are painted red on this line for the same reason as Ferrari's, to avoid getting blood stains everywhere. The major transfer stop at Bank of England is situated on a 1 2/3 chains radius curve, which causes the carriages to tilt violently to one side and for passengers to fall into the yawning chasm at platform's edge. Someone falls into these gaps on average every 18 minutes.
Tip: The Central Line has bonus fares once a month. This time of the month is known by the locals as Red Week.
[edit] Bakerpoo Line (brown)
This line runs (quite literally so it's best not to step in it) from Elephant Poop and Castle to the North West. Most commuters are advised to either buy a decent supply of pegs for their noses or not to travel during the wet. There is a particularly sinuous curve near Paddington which sets the train bogies squealing at a frequency which has been known to induce spontaneous diarrhoea.
Warnings about travelling on the train with smelly food are generally ignored on this line due to the hideous smell eminating from the passengers as well as the trains. On certain days infamous rapist Aimee Duffy will meet you at the Warwick Avenue line and bitch about her problems. BEWARE!
[edit] Pick-a-willy line (dark blue)
NOTE: This is the most famous line. The entire line starts at Heat Throw Airport and run's to one of Acton's 100 stations, before continuing to Hammeredsmith pretty much imitating the District Line, but without extra stops. Plus, it goes underground earlier. It then disappears into a tunnel through the city centre (much to everyone's relief) and doesn't appear until it reaches Anus Grove, before arriving at ****fosters. Some excitingly named stations include Northfields, Wood Green and Park Royal. The section between South Kensington Market and Harrod's (Knightsbridge) is the closest thing to a roller coaster as can be found in the system; and there is allegedly an abandoned spur originating from High Holborn which leads to a secret station beneath the Aldwych that only a privileged few have access to due to the nature of the secret experiments that are conducted there.
[edit] Hyper-chunnel Line (chartreuse)
This line directly links London and Paris via subspace manifold. Passengers have been known to go magically astray and suddenly re-appear slung over a fence in Kettering without any pants on. Still, that's what happens when you agree to adopting a French standard.
[edit] Elton to Beckham line (pink)
What can we say, this one goes both ways and goes right up the shute!
[edit] The Line which is full of paedophiles, beggars, pick pockets, donkeys and dead dictators(the Black One)
This line runs from the ghetto of ugly beautiful South London (commonly refered to as "Daan Saaff") to either High "On Crack" Barnet or Hedgewere and really is the most efficient way to not get to work. It runs through the pretty rural villages of Camden Town and Kentish Town which are considered to be the safest and most beautiful areas this side of Nazi-occupied Brixton. During peak hours the dispatchers at Kennington flip a sixpence to see if the train will travel via "Bank" or "Cross". If the latter, there is usually a lengthy delay whilst the train circumvents the "Kennington Loop", a circuit with a radius of but two chains, which necessitates it being pulled by a team of oxen. Drivers may also decide to change their mind at the last minute just for fun. All buskers working the Underground have to sign in at this location, which complicates matters somewhat. The line is also famous for its signal failures which commonly occur when a driver skips a red light, after departing the High "On Crack" Barnet. Commonly the effects kick in around East Finchley and Finchley Central.
[edit] History
The idea of opening an underground, time-wasting transportation system in London actually started with the Romans. In AD 337 the Emperor at the time, Michelus Jacksonus, commissioned the Londinium Subterraenea, which was completed three years later. It was opened on 14 October 1066 with much fanfare, and then promptly forgotten about roughly four minutes later. In 1503 Sir William Hershey, discoverer of Youranus, re-discovered the Subterraenea, and drew up plans for a newer underground system.
Two days after opening, the London Underground opened a clothes shop at Oxford Circus station. This shop was called the London Underpants.
In 1800, the Ministry of Underground Railways banned busking, the penalty of which would be death by Freeview. However, the ban was lifted in 2003.
The original plans for the undergound by Isambard Kingdom Brunel had only two design specifications:
- Each carriage must be able to contain one gentleman and his hat
- Each train must travel no faster than a walking squire, as this may cause a painful death
- 4+4=8
Unfortunately these specifications have not yet been revised.
The original method to building tunnels was the good ole cut 'n' cover method. This involved:
- Dig a big hole in the ground
- Bury anything tube-related in it, and while you're at it, your ex-wife
- Cover it up again
In the end, it was decided to build a new tunnel lower in the ground by using foreign prisoners provided by George Bush, who operated a giant spinning shaver blade (the Gatishead Shield) to cut a tunnel under the city in an attempt to get the 300,000 to escape Wormwood Scrubs prison (isn't prison overcrowding is so bad these days?). Half of the workers died during the process, mainly because many of them thought that eating the London Clay would save having to carry it out. Finally, they emerged at Stratford. However, they discovered they had tunnelled the wrong way (the wanted to get to Heat Throw Airport) and eventually settled in Leyton. The tunnel later became the Central Line.
In 2004, a man hailing from Glasgow found a £10 note on the tube. He commented on this amazing stroke of luck saying "Bloody hell ... I've never been able to get a seat, let alone a £10 note on here". However officials deny that this ever happened as a Scotsman finding luck in England is absolutely ridiculous.
The day after a failed terrorist attack, a Brazillian man was in a tube station when suddenly he was attacked by a gang armed with guns, who saying he was a terrorist chased him. Unsurprisingly, the man ran in terror down to the platform at Stockwell where he was shot for the horrific crime of looking like one of the suspects and wearing a denim jacket. The morale of the story is not to use the Underground if you could be mistaken for a suicide bomber. Result that week: Terrorists 0, Clumsy Police 1.
Famous people who have previously worked on the Underground include Harold from Neighbours, who was a driver in the 1920s, Karen O of popular punk band the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, who still works part time at Canary Wharf station ticket office to this day, and Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts who was managing director for 3 minutes before farting himself to death.
[edit] Wildlife
The London Underground is home to a small creature known as 'the gap'. Warnings are frequently given out, both on the trains, and on the platforms warning citizens of this threat. These warnings usually go 'Please mind the gap'. The gap itself is a small carnivorous mammal which lives between the train and the platform. In the last year alone, 7 people lost feet, and 52 lost toes.
[edit] Secret tunnels
There is a tunnel leading from Victoria Station, under Buckingham Palace, the House of Commons and coming out at Highgrove, Prince Charles' house in Gloucestershire. This is to let the Prince and members of Government to attent premiers, shows etc. with the minimum of disruption to London trafffic. Rumour has it that Princess Camilla herself has driven the train, liking nothing better than grabbing the "dead man's handle".
[edit] Nuclear Activities
The underground is mainly used for testing nuclear and hydrogen bombs. Once detonated, the parliament likes to blame this stuff on Muslims. This is why they have joined Dennmark in creating offensive cartoons. The peak bombing season is june-july. The main reasons of the nuclear activities are to stop overpopulation, to make cartoons of Mohammed, and to make the US government jealous because they have not got an underground to bomb. In the year 1111 this resulted in the infamous "Underground bomb war". During this time the london population decreased by 3,14% due to bomb craters and the potent suicide-inducing effect of Oyster.
[edit] Baker Street Station
Has tracks in the form of a "Y" (as in male chromosome) on top of tracks in the shape of an "X" (as in female chromosome). This cunningly disguised piece of pornography produces trainus interruptus every time the Internet tries to access the timetable.
[edit] Engineering Work
The London Underground is often mistakenly believed to be a transportation network.
During the Vicotrian era, London was home to a vast number of engineers who liked to improve things by breaking them, talk loudly in pubs, and complain to whoever would listen. The underground system was created to give these people safe a outlet for their desires, without unduely inconveniencing the rest of the population of London.
The underground fell on hard times during the twentieth century and, as with the great stately homes, the underground is now occasionally forced to admit passengers to balance its accounts. On quiet days, however, a visitor can still visit any station on the network, and experience a full range of barriers, engineering work, and day-glo jackets. The work is described as "essential" in recognition of the network's original purpose.
The 'Fluffy' Train
On the London Underground, when a train passes a station, loose hair is sucked from the waiting passengers onto the track. Considering approx. 3 million people use the network per day, it is hardly surprising a large quantity of debris collects. This presents a fire hazard, as the loose hair may be ignited from the static on the track. Transport for London, the London underground operator, has deemed it necessary to circuit a ‘fluffy train’ along the tracks between the hours of 1.30 and 4.30am when the network is closed. Like a pipe cleaner, this removes loose hair and other material from the track. It is composed of spare 1983 Stock which has managed to escape being turned into artists' huts.
Current engineering works includes the creation of eight new wig shops.
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| Places of Disinterest | Isle of Dogs | High Holborn | Hackney Empire | Stamford Bridge | BBC Studios | Peckham | Croydon | Stabham | |
| People of Interest | Chelsea Pensioners | Prime Minister | |
| Culture and Education | London Symphony Orchestra | University College London | Cockney-English dictionary | Glory Hunters F.C. | St. Chav's Cathedral | Wimbledon | London F.C. | British Library | |
| Getting Around | London Underground | London Overground | Tube | London Bus | Hackney Cab | London Airports |
