London

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about London.
“A fine gallery of phallic landmarks
~ Oscar Wilde on London
“"It nearly knocked me off me plates—he was wearing a syrup! So I got straight on the dog to me trouble and said I couldn't believe me minces."”
~ Now you know that a lavatory goes not by calling it a bog. Its Byäääthröööm
Londinium
TheRealLondon
London, as seen from the London Eye.
Motto: "Give me your wallet"
Civic anthem: London Calling
State England
Official nickname Clunge Heaven (excl. Susan Boyle)
Official language(s) Cockney, BBC, Chav, Queen's English, Polish, Afrikaans, Mandarin, Patois, Punjabi, and Correct English
Mayor Boris Johnson GCSE A* PhD ASBO (all in Posh Foolishness)| Joe Strummer (God)
Established 1300
Currency Class A drugs|Alcohol
Opening hours 72 hour constant shifts
Dialing code 0207, 0208, 0203, 020, 0181, 0171, 081, 071, 01, 01992, 01993, 01994, 01995, 0800REVERSE

London, or New Africa (since 1952) is the useless, shithead filled, cesspool, philautic, capital of United Kingdom of Britannia, just outside Europes capital city, Peckham. The city was badly built along the River Styx by the disfugured, sexually inadequate surviving inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah. Contrary to unpopular belief, everybody in Britain lives in That London although the Scottish are all locked up in horrible Glasgow. This includes Hip Hop Artist BiG PSG.

People born within the sound of Cow Bells are called Cockerknees, who are named after men's genitalia and a convenient posture. Cockerknees are detained in the East End of London with the chavs. The last sighting of a Cockernee was a week last Wednesday driving around in a clapped out ford, leading several leading anthropologists to suggest that, like the Yangtze River Dolphin, they have become extinct at last, although there have been many sightings of a similar species living in Essex called the Mockney, or to give them their Latin name, "Cuntia Bastardis". Like the aforementioned river dolphin, Cockerknees live entirely on whelks and eels, and these creatures have been wiped out due to severe over-jellifying. A prominent figure in the Cockernee community is the Right Honourable Dick Van Dyke (who was bullied by his own middle name), whose strong Cockerknee accent and comedic Cockerknee mannerisms have truly opened people's eyes to this unique parasite endemic to the East End of London.

The city is currently in cahoots with Chicago and Boston to develop a plot to blow up New York - a plan backed by the rest of the world.

Despite its diminutive size and lack of obvious attractions, London Village (est. 1987) is actually the only inhabited place in the United Kingdom and Merkins flock there in untold dozens - all looking for Hobbiton (which is in Ireland, as anyone who saw a recent film would know) or Hogwarts (which is a painful sexually transmitted disease caused by hogfucking, the favourite hobby of most London Villagers). The locals welcome them with open arms (all 3 arms to be specific), and positively encourage them and their heavy wallets on the YouTube, a miniature underground railway (where they may meet the tube's tour guides, or "chavs" who may charge a small fee for a taste of "the Authentic London Experience").

The lack of attractions in London is not due to a lack of effort, however. Those noteworthy accomplishments of its inhabitants have a peculiar habit of being knocked over, being declared indecent by the general public and then getting knocked over, or simply disappearing. In the case of the latter, the equally glaring lack of a competant police force has prevented any competent exploration of who took the missing attraction, or where the missing attraction has gone, although many suspect Noel Edmonds of hoarding them in his secret underground bunker near Paisley. (citation needed)

It's Perfect!

After maths being done with GMT & KFC and that, on Monday August 14th 1997 it was proven what 98.7% of Londoners had previously thought that London is the centre of the universe, and a synonym for "Nation" (hence the logic of placing anything "National" there).

If something "national" needs building (say, a soccer stadium, or the multi-billion pound 2012 Olympic village) it is completely logical to 'Facking Laandaanaars' to have it in the south east of the country as far as possible from the majority of the population of England or Britain. London is the political capital of the country where the majority fo Politicians (see benefit thieves) claim they reside. The 'City of London' is not actually in London, it is hidden behind a bush in St.Austell in Cornwall and is guarded by piskies and gnomes who have poisoned hooks on thier fishing rods and have been trained by Andy McNab in hand to hand combat. http://fashion-channell.blogspot.com/

Because of the widespread usage of giant headphones known as "Dickheadphones" combined with the number of received phone calls everyday, scientists have proved that London will eventually vibrate like a mobile phone along a counter top until it crushes Birmingham, or breaks off into the sea along with Essex and crashes into Margate, Kent, where the resulting collision will create a single living brain cell.

Tower of London

Towerlondon

The Tower Of London, exterior currently under renovation in tourist's favourite luminous green and cyan.

It towers three stories high - and at the time of its construction was the tallest tower on the planet. This is mainly because everyone lived in deep underground caverns back then and had no need for towers. It is twinned with Barad Dur.

The Tower is inhabited by ravens and it is very widely believed (that is to say, believed by very wide people, americans mostly) that, if they ever leave the tower, the kingdom will fall. In order to prevent this, the ravens' wings are clipped, their eyes ripped out, their beaks welded shut, and their feet manacled to the sturdy stone of the tower.

The "Beefeaters" that give tours at the Tower claim that they are the happiest ravens in all the world, although many put this down to the gin or the Mad Cow Disease. It should be stated as part of the job they can only eat meals with beef as the main source of protein, failure to do so would result in and instant dismissal.

Despite its name, the Tower is not in London, at all, which is in Ontario. Its actual location remains one of the world's great unsolved mysteries, as 'Merkins are not very good with YouTube maps. Or walking past a fast food venue. Or walking, for that matter. Fat cunts.

It is said the ghosts of two princes walk the halls at night playing Rugby for South Africa. The princes were killed by Richard III after a drunken stupor at a local pub. The king appeared one night, wearing St George's flag around his neck and singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. He then threw his nephews into a scrum packed with 300lbs men. There is no proof the princes were ever in the tower, however, and it is suspected they could come back to life as soon as England wins the World Cup. Which is to say when the world ends, jesus comes back and fixes the World Cup undetectably; the FA will claim it was due to the "pure skill and talent of our world class players!" having had a meeting with jesus. Jesus will then offer his services to the England football team and the FA plan to announce this live on Sky Sports News along with jesus at a press conference.

It has also been rumoured that the Princess known as Repunzel (Queen Elizabeth's secret disabled child) is locked in the top of the tower (by chain and ball) to keep her from damaging the image of The British royal family.

Fast Warrior People of Ancient London

From 283 AD to 1750, the city of London (found in the mystic mountains of Tibet, the worlds largest Oyster exporters) was home to a mysterious clan of top hat wielding maniacs, known then as the Expediently Violent Chaps About Town, but today are recorded in history as The Fast Warrior People of Ancient London.

Very little was documented about this elusive, yet notably riotous bunch, excepting their love for boiled vegetables, pin-ups of the current ruling monarch, and oriental children. It is known that Charles Darwin tried at one point to revive a custom practiced by the FWPAL's, the cutting of the flower.

This infamous tradition involved a young maiden, a cricket bat, a length of rope, some hedge trimmers, and took place in a garden. The young maiden would be stripped down bare, tied to stakes in the garden, and then beaten with the cricket bat unyielding until she was able to loosen her bonds, get to the hedge trimmers, and cut a tasteful - yet none too bold - selection of flowers for a bouquet. The bouquet would then be presented to the FWPAL's mams, who would make them meat pies, and then everyone would sit down for a lovely meal. Excepting, of course, the maiden, who would have to get back to the local elementary school before her students noticed she was gone.

Recently, the British government has passed a mandate addressing a sudden resurgence of the warrior tradition in London, which they now deem as Hooliganism, or Hooliganing, or even possibly Hooliganannery. The state and queen have levied strict punishments on any men seen taking part in activities that could be seen by any nation as Hooliganeriffic.

Though upsetting to find this sort of attitude still prevalent in our modern and advanced world of intellect and ethics, it is refreshing to find that the old fighting spirit of the South hasn't died in England. It in fact died in France in the late 19th century, after a long, painful, poorly fought and drawn out death. Old fighting spirit had apparently asked for citizens to refrain from drawing his death, but they didn't listen because, being an instinct of man and all, it couldn't speak.

Modern-day Londoners and the "God Complex"

Princestower

It is said Richard III killed his nephews here. There is no proof, however

Modern-day Londoners are rather posh glass eyed, braindead, drug addled, benefit claiming, kiddie fondeling, tossers with their fingers up their arses or ugly little scrots, most of the time they're both and tend to follow the codes of "living life in the fast lane", "getting rich quick" and "being a complete fucking cunt at all times". They have little time to relax, not even for a cup of tea or a chat about the weather, and are in a permanent state of hyper-tension. This factet can be fun. If you are ever foolish enough to visit london village, poke one of the locals with a stick. If you do it for long enough their heads will explode like that bloke in that Scanners movie. Or something.

Many Londoners are also known to suffer from what psychologists term a "God Complex", symptoms of which include imagining that Oneself rulers the universe, that all other people are inferior and deserve to be treated accordingly, and that One is absolutely perfect and above reproach.

Those suffering from a "God Complex" can often be spotted drinking on Friday and Saturday nights around any bars illuminated with neon lights and with exorbitant prices for alcohol. They have little interest in anything besides Themselves, money and material wealth. Other outward signs of a sufferer include walking around flashing wads of cash at all and sundry, especially tramps and beggars, driving cars with gold-laminated mud-flaps, and wearing designer pork-pie hats. When speaking, They often talk loudly and aggressively about a subject they know fuck all about and take offence at anything which anybody outside Their sphere of worshippers says to Them. They are also fond of sniffing lines of sherbert, while fucking puppies.

A God Complex-sufferer's face is permanently contorted into a sneer, which signifies Their contempt for things which are below Them, ie everybody and everything else. They can occasionally be seen walking around on all-fours, the reason being that Their heads have become completely stuck up Their own arses. This greatly improves their looks. And breath.

Generally speaking, They are safe to approach, as long as you can handle an earful of abuse for anything which contravenes their "Holy Scriptures", such as standing on the left-hand side of the escalator, or asking Them what time it is without prefacing your remark with the Southern password : "Oi me old mucker".

In recent years, many white sufferers have been moving to multi-cultural areas such as Brixton, ostensibly to enhance Their own sense of how amazingly modern and "with it" They are. (Some conspiracy theorists argue however that the real reason is to drive out what they see as the "colonial low-life" in order to prepare for the establishment of a VERY WHITE "Heaven on Earth").

There is no generally accepted cure for the condition. Recommendations include: joining a local Victorian book-reading club, if only to meet and talk to people once a week; getting a part-time job in a kindergarten, thus having some "human contact" now and again; and overdosing on aspirin. Or maybe a little annointing on the forehead with a blunderbus.

It should be noted that like the tribes of many other southern cities, Londoners are total twats. The ones who aren't twats are in London to study the art, but even they soon succumb, and within 2 or 3 years, have graduated with a degree in Twattery, and are thus ready for a lifetime and career of living in London and being a complete twat. This is considered by some to be an achievement, others an incurable affliction.

Soon to be completed, is the 8 lane boundary called the M25 that is designed to keep Londoners in their ghetto by means of intensive traffic jams and badly-worded signs. It is hoped that by 2012 there will be so much traffic on the M25 it will be impossible to get on or off for anyone who cannot read a map (I.E Londoners) causing London to congest itself to death.

Chav diversity in crisis

Recently in London, wildlife experts have expressed concern at the apparent dwindling of the indegenous Chav species. The exact cause for this decline is unknown, but as 2010 is International Year of Biodiversity efforts are being made to remedy the situation. A recent survey has suggested that there is still a healthy population in Dartford,Gravesend and Millwallland (Eltham) as well as small, isolated populations in other key areas such as Bermondsey. The results of the survey have heartened wildlife lovers the world over, with Bill Oddy saying: "It's great to know that the Estuarine variant of the Chav has some future and it is vital that we protect these areas. There's nothing I like better than observing chavs in their native habitat courting and copulating ... especially copulating." Mayor Boris Johnson has promised to review the situation next year, with possible police cull in the pipeline in order to prevent disruption to the natural behaviour of the Estuarine Chavs. A ban on condom sales in Surrey Quays may be an alternative to ensure healthy reproductive rates.

Modern-day Londoners' "world-view"

Minasmorgul

View of London before sunrise, as seen from Scotland.

In a recent survey, 82% of people in London actually thought that London was "the universe", and had no idea that anything existed outside of London. Of the remaining 18% who did know there was something outside London, the majority stated that it was completely irrelevant, crap, full of ignorant low-lifes who have manure on their trousers and they couldn't give a shit.

The actual size ration of London to the Universe is 1:3.14159262 the remainder of the universe being inhabited by Jedis and (regretably) Americans. Recently, a journalist was arrested and sent to a political re-education camp after he published this fact in the Evening Standard (a local low rent newspaper, hamfistedly printed by houseflies feeding on shit). Many Londoners were in complete agreement that the guy was totally insane. Others said he "must have got the numbers the wrong way round" without any understanding of what these "number" thingies are.

Big Londoners

Recently, the BBC ran their own reality TV show on the subject. Based on C4's ever popular "Big Brother" series, "Big Londoners" allowed a group of Londoners to leave London for the first time in their lives, live in a house together in the north of England, and see how long they could survive.

3 contestants fled the house on the first day, complaining about how "sycophantically friendly" the people were, how they didn't want to buy anything because it "wasn't expensive enough", and how dull, boring and inferior everything and everybody was, including the other london villagers.

London Underground

London Underground is an addictive live role-playing game played by millions of Londoners every day beneath the streets of London. For the price of a single-journey ticket, "commuters" (as game participants are called) are armed with a laser gun and a truncheon. The aim of the game is to battle your way through the crowds of commuters to get to Mornington Crescent.

Various spanners are thrown in the works by the managers in order to make the game more difficult and challenging for the role-player. These include:

  • Trains breaking down in the middle of tunnels.
  • Trains coming anywhere up to half an hour late, with no explanation or apology.
  • Fines for having the wrong ticket.
  • Unhelpful and occasionally abusive "station attendants".
  • Carbon Dioxide with other poisonous air and a little oxygen.
  • Police officers who want to shoot you for looking a bit dodgy.
  • Transit employees going on strike and shutting the place down because they feel they are not paid enough to sit on their arse all day.
  • A high likelihood of having everything in your pockets stolen within minutes. And being stabbed 'for a laugh'.
  • Tramps urinating on your shoes
  • Giant were-cockneys
  • The deadly Hackneyans
  • Washed up bankers trying to end their pointless existence on the tracks.
  • The acrid smell of hunderds of fetid, sweaty, greasy, miserable, unhelpful cunts.
  • Constant "Tube Maintainance" stoppages, in which holes in the 100 year old track are expertly mended with sticky tape and lolly sticks.

A recent survey by the mental health charity MIND concluded that the live-action game was immoral in that it bullies its players with such tactics and creates increased psychological stress, aggression and even mental breakdowns. They recommended that the game be banned on mental health grounds. A government health watchdog also said that chest and bronchial problems amongst Londoners had increased ten-fold since the introduction of the game, and recommended that tunnels be cleaned up "to prevent a potential public health catastrophe". London Underground was unavailable for comment as their media spokesman's train had broken down, and their deputy commissioner had been taken to hospital suffering from chest spasms. Nonetheless, all those affected live in London, so they probably deserve it anyway.

Due to the understandable high levels of suicide committed on the London Underground every day, London Underground Limited decided to install parts of the Jubilee Line with automatic doors on the platforms. This decision was made to make it harder for those playing the game of the London Underground to end the game prematurely out of frustration. While this intended to prevent suicides by electrocution or being hit by a train, there has since been the unintended side-effect of severing passengers' heads when the automatic doors close. A feature described by the designers as a 'throwback to the simpler times of public execution'. Disappointingly, the majority of the suicidal population have yet to notice this.

Mind the Gap

~ That annoying voice on Minding the Gap

This announcement is actually a mis-representation of a problem that dates back to 1902 when Space Bats took up residence in the newly constructed tunnels. The dark, cold, lifeless atmosphere was similar to their native habitat that a large colony formed. As the trains passed through the tunnels they would dislodge or disrupt the colony, causing normally a single bat to fly out onto the station platforms. Coming out of the dark into the light they were often angry, upset and hungry, they were greeted by the platform announcer crying:

Mind the Bat!

~ The original announcement in 1902

Like so many traditions in London, this stayed in place long after its usefulness was gone (see Houses of Parliment)

Together with the famous and repeptitive:

Mind the Doors, mind the closing doors, stand clear clear of the closing doors.

~ These annoying platform operators on Closing Doors

The seven circles of hell are;

  • Circle line from Earls Court to Earls Court
  • Bakerloo line from Sarf London to Harrow
  • District line from Wimbleton to Up-minister
  • Northern line from Modern to Old Fashioned
  • Victorian line from Brixton(!) to Walthamstow(!!)
  • Metroland line from Aldgate to Chesham
  • Central line from Heathrow to Epping

At a couple of points the tube system crosses the river to South London. This was a mistake on the part of the designers, who had originally planned a route which 'kept the Southern darkies in their place'. The stations south of the Thames are scheduled for demolition soon.

The above 7 lines have no ventilation, as the carriages were originally made for the Necropolis line to take dead bodies from London to Woking. Travellers are advised to take a deep breath upon entering the trains, as no fresh air will be available until you reach street level again. Patrons are also advised that the average temperature inside the carriages is 93 degrees even in winter, so take a plentiful supply of water, a portable shower and something to eat.

Major(ish) Landmarks of London

Big Ben

Big Ben can usually be found in one of the plethora of cafes in central London. His favourite drink is Earl Grey, and his height is 7'3", making him one of the tallest Greeks on display. He arrived in London in 1982 for a holiday which impressed him so, that he decided to make London his place of habitation.

Various Tramps

These horrible looking people clutter the nicer parts of London in order to try and gain money for... Christ knows what! It's important to remember, they are a part of what makes London shit and do not confuse them with the more common begger. See also London Tramps

London Tramps

These strange beings are a more seriouis variety of the standard tramps. The difference is that they will not give up no matter how many times you throw them in front of a bus.
The one time a London Tramp was thrown off by a victim was in 1943 by a direct bomb hit. There is a tramp who many believe comes from London, but in fact originates from Cannock. She is known as 'Izzi Harris'

Public Toilets

Fancy a hand-shandy with a stranger who looks like your old Geography teacher? Get yourself in my son! Just watch out for George Michael, who likes to frequent the bogs on Hampstead Heath.

Millenium Dome/o2 arena

Such a successful piece of millenium structure it was taking over by the Y2K virus and had to be bought out by a mobile phone company.

Millenium Bridge

Just another victim of the Y2K virus, caused severe wobbliness only seen when Oscar Wilde is asked about his sexual preferences.

Tower Bridge

A bridge that looks like an unravelled carousell. It is not called London Bridge in order to confuse the next 'Merkin millionaire who wants to buy it and ship it to the desert.

The British Museum

When your empire stretches over the whole world and you can steal her treasures, you'll have a damned fine museum too! Contains millions of rare artefacts, several dozen of which are legally acquired. Here too one finds the Elgin Marbles, designed by Sir Denzel Washington in 1964 and a portion of which were sold to Greece in exchange for sugar.

Buckingham Palace

This is where The Queen is kept on occasions. Buckingham palace is where the world is actually ruled from. This is usually kept secret as The Empire was supposedly turned into the commonwealth in 2003 but this is only a front to keep people happy while the Queen makes even more money from after dinner speeches and handbag-swinging on the town hall steps. The King (Elvis) may also be found in the Buckingham palace auditorium bum fucking the also supposedly dead Michael Jackson.

This place is also a target for everyone in London. Whilst there, if you succeed in the challenge of breaking in, you must then proceed to find as much valuable stuff as possible and the game is take as much as you can before you hear guns, sirens and Queenie's vicious RAF trained attack corgies.

Due to the status of the queen, many guards are posted to guard the vicinity of the palace. They are made to hold an automatic rifle and a silly-looking bearskin hat, and have to stand still ignoring the constant camera flashes and generic fat, stupid American tourists yelling "Looky-ere! It be one of them-thar Palace Gurad thingies!". They must never respond to anything which is done near them - They make no facial expression, movement, or any other form of response to the actions around them. The guards are forced to ignore particular things - These include stupid Yankee tourists, lepers and most importantly of all, terrorist attacks aimed at the palace. In one occasion, a guard clouted a Chav who was performing a goofy impression of him. This unfortunate guard was later sentenced to death by Syphillis, fittingly caught from the chav in question.

The London Eye

A huge wheel floating above the Thames it is made from 100% recycled London landmarks such as The Dome, Battersea Power Station and London buses. People come from miles around just for a "flight" in this big boring old Ferris wheel. The Eye is owned by British Airways who want to advertise low fare flights to top European cities - "London to London for just 14.99!!"

The Gherkin

This was originally going to be called the 'Merkin because it is fat, immobile couldnt win a fight and you can see it from wherever you are.

A giant monument, having the shape of a glass dildo, commemorating some pickled Swiss bankers. Speculation suggests that the well known Ann Summers corporation may soon purchase the building for use as a manufacturing plant for its popular Rampant Rabbit product. The Gherkin is the first in a series of buildings that will soon include the Pickled Onion, The Cucumber, The Stuffed Olive and the Nacho.

The Royal festival hall

Built on the basis that large square grey lumps of concrete will raise Londoners' spirits even more than a self-congratulatory episode of Eastenders. After it had achieved this, the government used it for testing atomic devices.

Nelson's Colon

In place to illustrate the workings of the digestive system of great leaders. Also a handy target for pigeons to practise their aim. Napolean Boner Parte is buried under his colon, not in St Helena as rumours often claim.

Bendy buses

Otherwise known as "rolling road-blocks", these huge single-decker buses are used to slow down London's traffic, maim or kill cyclists as well as randomly setting on fire to harm players playing the "Completely crap public transport that was just made so Ken Livingstone can make a fortune" expansion pack for the widely known game "London Underground"! These "long single deck" busses were introduced to replace the much more sensible "double decked" busses, of which the design dates back to the 1200s. This "double deck" configuration was favoured over single deck as it would accommodate more people in a smaller area of road. Thus reducing congestion and inceasing the fare paying passenger potencial! Additionally, the double-deck configuration with only a single load door for entry rather than the three doors on the bendy bus. Leads to longer waits at bus stops, giving the passengers more time to admire the sights of London and get more confused. But in recent years it's been noted that this idea is not a modern european idea for a Modern thriving European city like London (in BRITAIN!) So the shittier road clogging bender busses are now used in the attempt to fuckup the roads for ever more! Before their introduction, London's roads averaged a heady 11 miles per hour, but are now down to a safer 3 miles per hour - the same as they were in 1394 when farmers were allowed to drive sheep and cattle through the streets. In fact, London's traffic is now so slow that it is the first country in the world to introduce parking tickets to people stuck in jams.

Tourism

People with cameras stuck to their faces are sometimes mustaken for far eastern people, but unfortunately they are born like this. Also having lots of sights like a frequent stabbing and robbing of corner shop

Old Trafford

Yes, believe it or not the majority of Manchester United fans are from the middle east, so it makes sense that Old Trafford was moved to the centre of the universe.

Hoodlum's Alley

Situated just off New Cross Road Hoodlum's Alley is home to a large number of street kids of all ethnic backgrounds. By day the alley is considered only a level 4, or "Fred West" danger level. However by night it is one of the most dangerous areas in London, constituting a level 5, or Harold Shipman on a boating holiday with Ted Bundy" level of danger. As many foolish tourists, who believe that London contains something woth visiting in December (particularly Americans, who forget that the reason they had a revolution was because they were bored of the intelligent ones three thousand miles away quite rightly telling them what to do), will tell you, Hoodlum's Alley is the epicentre of London Cuwlcha. See also Coffee Shop Of Chav, and Gangbang Gutter.

The Barbican Centre

A beautiful village containing some of the most exquisite paper furniture this side of Essex.

10 Downing Street

This is a small private hospital for psychiatric patients who believe that they are the Prime Minister of England. It's most famous resident was Winston Churchill, a drink sodden, cat-stuffing old geezer who moved in back in 1940 and is still barricaded into the attic, kept alive only by 4 gallons (Imperial of course) of brandy a day and a large supply of Ernest Hemingway cigars - plus the occasional cat of course for stuffing. The current tenant of 10 Downing Street is Cordon Brown, a first cousin of the former Chancellor of the Exchequer Cordon Bleu. He is currently practising his DIY skills destroying the lamentable built in kitchens of Tony Blair and smashing photos of the hideous Cherie Blair. Cordon was recently threatened with eviction by 60 million angry Britons and his landlady, the octogenarian Liz Windsor who wants the house for her grandsons Bob, William and Harry.

Boris Johnson

If anything, Boris Johnson is one of the main sights in London. It is usually quite difficult to access as it is often surrounded by Japanese tourists trying to get photos of themselves next to the womenising hair.

He is also adressed as Dominic Kelly, his handsome look-a-like from Gnueaton (or Nuneaton), or God to the japanese tourists.

MI6 Headquarters

Situated on the south bank of the River Thames at Vauxhall Cross, MI6 Headquarters is an apparently huge building housing the entire operations of Britain's Secret Intelligence Service. Rumour has it however that the building is merely a hologram, created to give the impression that the UK possesses a large and sophisticated intelligence-gathering service, when in fact it doesn't have one at all.

There may be some truth in this story, as a drag queen from Soho recently claimed to have entered a coin-operated toilet in Central London, only to find themselves in MI6 HQ once inside. The drag queen was able to walk around the office freely, viewing contents of secret emails on officers' computers, as well as play with various eavesdropping gadgets in the surveillance department, before being ejected for trespassing. Although extremely perturbed and embarrassed that such a breach of security could take place, she was allowed by officers to have a wee on the way out.

Surburbia

In the Victorian era, a side-effect of the Industrial revolution accidentally created a bomb consisting of homeless workers, immigrants and ordinary workers, and... the Irish... (oops the Heathen word) who suddenly decided they wanted more space. The bomb was detonated in the early 20th century, and the resulted fallout lasted right up to the late 1930s. Numerous countryside and small towns and villages were sucked into the explosion, and leaving behind a wasteland consisting of mile after mile of suburban housing. Adolf Hitler tried to change this during the war, but sadly not to much effect apart from killing 30,000 people and blowing up some houses in his 'regeneration' plan. In revenge, the British went off and had Dresden completely redeveloped. The Americans tried and tried to repeat what had happened to London but got the wrong end of the planet.

In the Swinging '60s, the planners removed some of the highly toxic waste from the suburbs and took it to landfill sites such as Basingrad, Basildon, Woking and Harlow. Unfortunately they made it worse by building masses of concrete. One good achievement was solving feuding between the outer suburbs by drawing lines around their territories. This created 32 boroughs, which ranges from the Royal Borough of Kingston to the Empire of Brixton Lambeth. However, London has not always been left in peace. In 1977 a Nazi invasion was thwarted in the Battle of Lewisham while immigration control was taken to extremes in the War of Notting Hill. In recent years, Croydon has emerged as the leader of all suburbs.

People

London is full of soft Southern fairies who enjoy prancing about and thinking that they are better than the north of England, which being that they live South of the Watford Gap is a confirmed fact. The accent is somewhere between bollocks and jibberish, making most of the male population sound and act as if they have some form of severe brain swelling. London has spawned numerous cerebral intellectuals like Jamie Oliver, James Blunt, Damon Albarn, Lilly Allen, the Royal Family, anyone asscociated with Wimbledon (tennis) and anyone associated with football clubs. Nuff Said!

At least one person in London is named Bob, although it has been rumoured that there may be as many as three.

By contrast, at least seven, including everyone called Bob, are known as Bruce.

Cockneys are infamous for being bastard loud. They will most likely say things like "Diet Coke is for fat people initt?!" just before you buy a diet coke. Then shout "Weh" when they see you with it. Or say "Jog on".See also Ian Dury.

The best representation of the London accent committed to film was that of Dick van Dyke in "Mary Poppins". van Dyke studied the cockney accent for a year before filming his scenes, and Londoners were taken aback by the accuracy of his accent and his mastery of phrases like "got a spare fag, mate?", "wot chew lookin at?", "excuse me, does this bus go to Streatham?", "Can I borrah your Oystah card?" and "fackin 'ell".

For real London music there are "Ian, Chas and Dave Dury", a lively 3-some of singers of old cockney songs like "Shut up, your dad is on nights", "Stop bloody talking so much", "I love London birds, they don't mind you getting pissed" and the immortal "Hit me with your sideboard full of beer".

Chavs, a group of usually young boys and young girls with baby push chairs who wear Burberry plaid apparel and "Nickelson" shirts with their collar standing, they can sometimes be found wearing track suits and Reebok trainers although they've never seen the inside of a gym or place of work before. They normally occupy the benches outside McDonalds or KFC. Most of them have been awarded by the Queen the High Honour of ASBO. Once a year they all get together and attend the "who's on the most benefits" conference, at the Burger King in West King Road in London, last years winner was Dave Townsend with £1.50 a week, he is considered a millionaire by other chavs, to everyone else, he is a cock.

Demographics

There are currently 8 million people living in London. 5 million are black, 2 million Asian and the rest Polish, apart from 14 people of White British descent. There is also a Bulgarian man called Radi.

Nasty people

Apart from regular cockneys, people who live there pearly kings and Reggie Kray types, there exists a new breed - the rudeboy happyslapper.

This specimen gains delight from randomly attacking people (usually by slapping his small flaccid microphallus in the victim's eye) whilst a companion films the incident on his (stolen) mobile telephone. Rudeboy happyslappers live in the shittier parts of London - most notably Shepherd's Bush, Peckham, Holland Park and Mayfair. As with terrorists they come in a multitude of guises - one should take as much care with a chav wearing Burburry as a pinstripped banker. A notable feature of the rudeboy has been his evolution to adapt his skin colour to his nocturnal habits.

Werewolves of London

In the seventies some Excitable Boy took a vacation in London and visited well known places such as Soho and Kent. He claimed to see numerous amount of werewolves there. Although many individuals believe his claim to be true, the mainstream view is that he was in the wrong. Former Prime Minister Tony Blair said, "He's acting like a fucking headless Thompson gunner." Margaret Thatcher later claimed "Next thing we know the mad lunatic will be going home with a Russian waitress." Throughout his life the man in question stuck by his "Werewolves" claim. He was subsequently confined to a psychiatric hospital for several years, finally being released in 2003 and was brought into intensive care because his shit was fucked up. He died of that disease where you get a lump somewhere and you get sick and you have to go the hospital a lot.

"Ghetto" language

This is the tongue of the aforementioned "Rudeboys" and also the lesser known "Rudegirls". Here is a rude language translator for some of the most common phrases, though there seem to be new words invented every few nanoseconds so not all can be covered. You will find this language all around London, even in the richest of whitest, of posh sausage in the arse boroughs, However the phase "Do you want me to shank you up blud?" should only be taken seriously in the more deprived, scummy, and less caucasiated places.

"You're gonna get mirked" - were gonna beat the shit outta you.
"I'm gonna blaps you up" - I am going to nibble your ears.
"I'll mash your face up" - You may need some plastic surgery soon, old chap!
"Cuz", "Blud", "Blad" "Man" and "Bruv" - Terms used for anyone, friend or foe. "Man" can also refer to one's self. See below
"Naaah, that aint serious!" - I find this rather unfair
"Nah bruv, he bare boyed you off" - I believe that young man just insulted you
"Don't have it cuz, don't have it!" - He insulted you. Now he must pay
"Sick" - Can mean either good or bad, depending on how expression is placed upon the word
"Man's is gettin well Vex" - I am becoming rather irritated. "Man" can also refer to someone else. See above
"Cold" - That was a tad bit harsh
"Bredrin", "Crew", "Homeslice"(can be shortened to "Homies")- gang or crew
"Wasteman" - A young man constantly leaking waste product.
"Wastegash" - Same as above, but a young lady
"Bare" or "Behr" - Meaning extrememly or incredibly, or a lot of, for example "That's bare cold" (that was extremely harsh) or "He had bare crack, man" (he had rather a large amount of crack)
"Jack" - To steal
"Allow " - leave it "set me your phone ,cuz" Let me borrow your phone. There is an underlying tone of "If you don't let me borrow your phone I'll take it from you anyway and maybe I'll just forget to give it back and stab you instead"
"Blud, what you got for me?" - I want some of that.
"What ends you from?" - where r u from?
"Ill get ma shank on you blud." - I'm going to stab you.
"Cum den." -bring it .
"Wagwan Mandem?" - So how have things been for you old chap?
"Fo' Shizzle ma Nizzle" - I concur with you whole-heartedly my African brother
"Oyster card" - Prepayment card for cheap teenage prostitutes
"Dench" - when some on is both the don and hench

The Knees Up (Lambeth Walk)

At any place and at almost any time a knees up can occur. Originating in the early 15th century with the uprising of the Ant Kingdom, cockneys found that they could not only evade their insect nemeses but also crush their attempted uprising. Later that day, after the ants had flee (or lost interest) the cockneys continued having the knees up long into the night, many say out of joy, many others say out of ignorance to the departure of the ants. It became an annual tradition that the cockneys liked so much; they made it into a daily one.

The knees up has long since been used to bond, entertain, resolve differences and riot. Mostly occurring in pubs and involving such classics as “Knees up Mother Brown” and “Cockney Bin man” the events are a hybrid between a barn dance and an orgy. Usually accompanied by a man on an out of tune piano playing an upbeat melody at irrational speed the event can last for hours as the cockneys dance the night away. After a knees up, anything that had gone before has widely been forgotten, such as differences, schemes and progress.

Knees ups are not limited to pubs however, as any mention of a knees up, anywhere, can trigger one. One should be extremely cautious when using the phrase. When a knees up starts somewhere outside a pub, a piano generally rolls in from a nearby area (with a man playing it on a stool with wheels) and people come running from all over London to join.

The longest recoded knees up occurred in 1945 when, after the end of the war, the cockneys conducted a knees up that lasted for two years. This ultimately led to the collapse of the British Empire. See also "down at the old bull and bush", "knees up muvva brahn", "maybe it's becawse i'm a Londonaar" and most Chas and Dave songs.

However the Knees up is now under threat from the elf and safty brigade. They are concerned that those doing the knees up might kick other dancers, passers by, dogs, cats, rats, mice, horses, policemen, MPs, inanimate objects incapable of protecting themselves, taxis, buses etc. They may also hurt themselves by slipping a disc, pulling a muscle, or by getting in the way of the suddenly appearing piano. The knees up can continue so long as people do not move their legs.

Government

London Borough of Haringey

Not all of London's 32 boroughs are terribly good at children's services either.

London has tried all possible variants of government - from street party committees upwards: the current government and its leader are the reincarnations of the previous ones after a 14 year blank (Mind the gap): a previous version was a byword for corruption.

Travel Advice

Getting around

The best way to get around London is to use the Tube Socks. However, keep in mind that the employees of the London Underground system are all lazy fucking useless cunts. You can also swim the Thames to avoid meeting these people. London has the best taxi service in the world. Drivers must learn the streets and routes for 3 years before being given their badge and satnav kits. They ride rickshaws around the west end and will cheerily collect fares whatever the weather, sometimes to the annoyance of "black cabs", which are small limousines, very expensive and best avoided. Often, these smell of vomit and/or urine, especially during the Christmas period.

Getting there

The best way to get to London is to hitch a ride with a one-eyed drunk taxi driver who thinks he is at Le Mans being chased by the rear seats of the cab. You'll probably die, but at least you won't end up in the city centre. London is central to a large railway network which operates very frequent(ly delayed) services. Providing that you don't get derailed at Hatfield or crashed head-on at Ladbroke Grove, you will end up at a train station such as Waterpoo (the World's smelliest terminus - not surprising given it is used by people from Basingrad, Feltham, Woking, Southampton, Portsmouth and Strawberry Hill).

Heathrow Airport

The most Common way of entering London is be the Death Trap known commonly as Heathrow Airport. The Death-trap is divided into 5 zones, namely Zones 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Zones 1-4 were built in a hellish style with tin foil and gaffer tape that was found in the Thames and designed by a 5 year-old boy with some Lego bricks. However Zone 5 is built by Steel and glass that was stolen during a riot in Tottenham, therefore it reduces the chance of total collapse from certain to most likely. However the design is a trap made by the evil men at BAA. Passengers are lured into Zone 5 by its "Modern" design, but in fact, it is just as dangerous as Zones 1-4. This is because in the basement of the Zone 5, Evil Demons will steal all baggage that comes through from check-in and run a Bendy-bus over the top of it. They will then chuck your bag off to Yugoslavia, Never to be seen again.

Accommodation

Council Estates, Tesco Storefronts, Bus Shelters, floor, Matt Ridgley's house. Your mum. Take your pick. They are all equally shit.

Telephones

The area code for London is 020; the area code for clueless media professionals who do not understand how area codes work is 0207.

The area inhabited by people with terminal cases of mental derangement has another code, 0203.

The telephone area code for London used to be 01 on account of London's number 1 position in the universe. A successful petition from the Stationery and Signwriters' Union to boost its custom saw this changed, in turn, to a combination of 071 and 081, then to 0181 and 0171, and finally to 020 in the space of only 10 years.

Eating Out

There is hardly anywhere to eat out in London, this is because of rumors of Chinese takeaway containing cats. Most Indian restaurants have been closed down as it was found that the heavy spices where used to disguise the foul smelling meat, which is produced in large factories in Holland and pumped full of hormonal drugs and then shipped over. This has meant that the only takeaway food that is available in London is Raw Fish - Sushi

Soho is an infamous area for eating out. Restauranteurs (not to be confused with restaurateurs) shine a red light in the window if they have vacant tables.

Relationship with New York City

London once got itself into an arm wrestling match with New York City. London WON. In the year 1,451,588 London tied New York City's shoe laces together and New York City fell on it's face. When accused of douche-baggery, London claimed that Paris did it. This led to the fifteen year long bombing of the frog infested city.

See also

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