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“The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world.”
“Flowers are as common in the country as pansies are in London.”
“I don’t know what London’s coming to - the higher the buildings, the lower the waistbands.”
|Motto: "If you don't like it, you can fack orf."|
|Civic anthem: My Old Man's a Dustman|
|Official language(s)||Cockney, BBC, Chav, Queen's English, Polish, Afrikaans, Mandarin, Patois, Punjabi, and Correct English|
|Mayor||Lord Shambly of Blondshire, Boris Johnson|
|Dialing code||020, 0181, 0171, 081, 071, 01.|
London [say "Lundun"], more commonly known as York City or The Least English City in England, is the
vibrant, creative, throbbing, multicultural cold, horrible, charmless cesspit philautic capital of United Kingdom of Britannia. The city was built along the River Styx by the disfigured, sexually inadequate surviving inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah. It has been a major settlement ever since, with the turning point being the arrival of the Romans, who named it Londinibum, and set in motion its rise to becoming a world centre of homosexual culture.
A leading global city, strengths in the dark financial arts, self-love, skinny-jeans manufacturing, posing, and nihilism all contribute to London's prominence. Its 43 universities form the largest concentration of higher education in Europe and provide local muggers with a source of skinny young white boys to attack. London has a diverse range of peoples and cultures, and more than 300 languages are spoken within its boundaries, most of which are used to talk about the people from the other cultures with suspicion.
Major(ish) Landmarks of London
This is where The Queen is kept. Buckingham palace is where the world is actually ruled from. This is usually kept secret as The Empire was supposedly turned into the commonwealth in 2003 but this is only a front to keep people happy while the Queen makes even more money from after dinner speeches and handbag-swinging on the town hall steps. The King (Elvis) may also be found in the Buckingham palace auditorium.
This place is a target for everyone in London. Whilst there, if you succeed in the challenge of breaking in, you must then proceed to find as much valuable stuff as possible and the game is take as much as you can before you hear guns, sirens and Queenie's vicious RAF trained attack corgis.
10 Downing Street
This is a small private hospital for psychiatric patients who believe that they are the Prime Minister of England. It's most famous resident was Winston Churchill, a drink-sodden, cat-stuffing old geezer who moved in back in 1940 and is still barricaded in the attic, kept alive only by 2 litres of brandy (Imperial of course) a day and a large supply of Ernest Hemingway cigars - plus the occasional cat for stuffing. The current tenant of 10 Downing Street is David Cameron. He is currently practising his DIY skills destroying the lamentable built-in kitchens of Tony Blair and smashing photos of the hideous Cherie Blair. Cameron was recently threatened with eviction by 60 million angry Britons and his landlady, the octogenarian Liz Windsor who wants the house for her grandsons William, Harry and Bob.
Situated on the south bank of the River Thames at Vauxhall Cross, MI6 Headquarters is an apparently huge building housing the entire operations of Britain's Secret Intelligence Service. Rumour has it however that the building is merely a hologram, created to give the impression that the UK possesses a large and sophisticated intelligence-gathering service, when in fact it doesn't have one at all.
There may be some truth in this story, as a drag queen from Soho recently claimed to have entered a coin-operated toilet in Central London, only to find themselves in MI6 HQ once inside. The drag queen was able to walk around the office freely, viewing contents of secret emails on officers' computers, as well as play with various eavesdropping gadgets in the surveillance department, before being ejected for trespassing. Although extremely perturbed and embarrassed that such a breach of security could take place, she was allowed by officers to have a wee on the way out.
Greek Londoner Big Ben can usually be found in one of the plethora of cafes in central London. His favourite drink is Earl Grey, and his height is 7'3", making him one of the tallest Greeks on display. He arrived in London in 1982 for a holiday which impressed him so much, that he decided to make London his place of habitation.
Fancy a hand-shandy with a stranger who looks like your old Geography teacher? Get in there, my son! Watch out for George Michael, who likes to frequent the bogs on Hampstead Heath.
The British Museum
When your Empire stretches over the whole world and you can steal her treasures, you'll have a damned fine museum too! contains millions of rare artefacts, more than a dozen of which were legally acquired.
Tower of London
The tower is three stories high - at the time of its construction it was the tallest tower on the planet. This is mainly because everyone lived in deep underground caverns back then and had no need for towers.
The Tower is inhabited by ravens and it is very widely believed (that is to say, believed by very wide people, Americans mostly) that, if they ever leave the tower, the kingdom will fall. In order to prevent this, the ravens' wings are clipped, their eyes ripped out, their beaks welded shut, and their feet manacled to the sturdy stone of the tower.
The "Beefeaters" that give tours at the Tower claim that they are the happiest men in all the world, although many put this down to the gin or the Mad Cow Disease-ridden meat they consume.
The London Eye
The enormous London Eye, described as 'lidless and wreathed in flame,' hovers above the Canary Wharf tower, restlessly searching back and forth across the city. Experts speculate that it could be the remains of the Dark Lord of Sedgefield, Tony Blair, after he and his dark forces were defeated by the alliance of Tories and Lib Dems. However, he cannot be destroyed unless his vast secret pension is one day rediscovered and subjected to public enquiry.
The Eye remains a popular tourist destination, famous for its useful ability to see into the very depths of one's soul.
A giant monument, in the shape of a glass dildo, commemorating Jim and Heather Harmon's services to pornography. The Gherkin is the first in a series of buildings that will soon include the Pickled Onion, The Cucumber, The Stuffed Olive and the Nacho.
At the top of a column in the famous Trafalgar Square, this intricate, anatomical sculpture depicts the workings of the digestive system of one of Britain's great miltary leaders. Also a handy target for pigeons to practise their aim. Napoleon Boner Parte is buried under Nelson's colon, not in St Helena as is often rumoured.
There are currently 10 million people living in London. 5 million are black, 2 million Asian and the 1 million Polish. There is also a Bulgarian man called Radi. The rest fall into the following groups.
People born within the sound of Bow Bells are called Cockerknees, who are named after men's genitalia and a convenient posture. Cockerknees are detained in the East End of London with the chavs. Cockerknees live entirely on whelks and eels, the latter of which have almost been wiped by severe over-jellifying. A prominent figure in the Cockernee community is the Right Honourable Dick Van Dyke (who was bullied by his own middle name), whose strong Cockerknee accent and comedic Cockerknee mannerisms have truly opened people's eyes to this unique parasite endemic to the East End of London.
Apart from regular nasty cockneys, people who live there, pearly kings and Reggie Kray types, there exists a new breed - the rude-boy happy-slapper.
This specimen gains delight from randomly attacking people whilst a companion films the incident on his (stolen) mobile telephone. Rude-boy happy-slappers live in the shittier parts of London - most notably Shepherd's Bush, Peckham, Holland Park and Mayfair. As with terrorists they come in a multitude of guises - one should take as much care with a chav wearing Burberry as a pinstripped banker.
Chav diversity in crisis
Recently in London, wildlife experts have expressed concern at the apparent dwindling of the indigenous Chav species. The exact cause for this decline is unknown, but as 2010 is International Year of Biodiversity efforts are being made to remedy the situation. A recent survey has suggested that there is still a healthy population in Dartford,Gravesend and Millwallland (Eltham) as well as small, isolated populations in other key areas such as Bermondsey. The results of the survey have heartened wildlife lovers the world over, with Bill Oddie saying: "It's great to know that the Estuarine variant of the Chav has some future and it is vital that we protect these areas. There's nothing I like better than observing chavs in their native habitat courting and copulating ... especially copulating." Mayor Boris Johnson has promised to review the situation next year, with a ban on condom sales in Surrey Quays a possible alternative to ensure healthy reproductive rates.
The following is a translator for some of the most common phrases used by the aforementioned Rudeboys. You will find this language all around London, even in the richest of whitest, posh sausage-in-the-arse boroughs,
- Leave it/forget about it! - Allow it
- Bare - 1) Extremely or incredibly. That's bare funny 2) A lot of. He had bare crack, man (he had rather a large amount of crack cocaine)
- Blud, Blad Man Blud, Bruv and Cuz - Terms used for anyone, friend or foe. Man can also refer to one's self.
- Blud, what you got for me? - May I have some of that?
- Bredrin, Crew, Homeslice(can be shortened to Homies)- gang or fraternity.
- Cum den. - Bring it on! Let us fight.
- Das cold - That was a tad harsh
- Don't have it cuz, don't have it! - He insulted you. You should reproach him!
- I'll get ma shank on you blud. - I'm going to stab you.
- I'll mash your face up - You may need some plastic surgery soon, old chap!
- I'm gonna blaps you up - I am going to nibble your ears.
- Jack - Steal. "Who jacked my phone?"
- Man's getting well vex - I am becoming rather irritated.
- Naaah, that aint serious! - I find this rather unfair.
- Nah bruv, he bare boyed you off - I believe that young man just insulted you.
- Set me your phone ,cuz - Let me borrow your telephone. There is an underlying tone of If you don't, I'll take it from you anyway and maybe I'll just forget to give it back or stab you instead
- Sick - Either good ("He's got a Ferrari? That's sick!") or bad ("With his own stepsister? That's sick!"), depending on context.
- Swear on me mum! - I am going to eviscerate you using the handle of my scooter.
- U wot m8? - I'm terribly sorry, I couldn't hear you. Could you repeat that again?
- Wagwan Mandem? - So how have things been for you old chap?
- Wasteman/Wastegash - A young man/woman who will come to nothing. A ne'er do well.
- What ends you from? - Where are you from?
- You're gonna get merked - We are going to attack you physically.
'aving a Knees-up
At any place and at almost any time a knees-up can occur. Originating in the early 15th century with the uprising of the Ant Kingdom, Cockneys found that they could not only evade their insect nemeses but also crush their attempted uprising. Later that day, after the ants had fleed (or lost interest) the Cockneys continued having the knees-up long into the night, many say out of joy, many others say out of ignorance to the departure of the ants. It became an annual tradition that the Cockneys liked so much; they made it into a daily one.
The knees-up has long since been used to bond, entertain, resolve differences and riot. Mostly occurring in pubs and involving such classics as “Knees up Mother Brown” and the events are a hybrid between a barn dance and an orgy. Usually accompanied by a man on an out of tune piano playing an upbeat melody at irrational speed the event can last for hours as the Cockneys dance the night away.
Knees-ups are not limited to pubs however, as any mention of a knees-up, anywhere, can trigger one. One should be extremely cautious when using the phrase. When a knees up starts somewhere outside a pub, a piano generally rolls in from a nearby area (with a man playing it on a stool with wheels) and people come running from all over London to join.
The longest recoded knees-up occurred in 1945 when, after the end of the war, the Cockneys conducted a knees-up that lasted for two years. This ultimately led to the collapse of the British Empire. See also "down at the old bull and bush", "knees up muvva brahn", "maybe it's becawse i'm a Londonaar" and most Chas and Dave songs.
Modern-day Londoners and the "God Complex"
A 1997 survey showed that 98.7% of Londoners thought that London was the centre of the universe, and a synonym for "Nation" (hence the logic of placing anything "National" there).
If something "national" needs building (say, a soccer stadium, or the multi-billion pound 2012 Olympic village) it is completely logical to 'Laandaanaars' to have it in the south east of the country as far as possible from people from The North of England as possible.
A God Complex-sufferer's face is permanently contorted into a sneer, which signifies Their contempt for things which are below Them, i.e. everybody and everything else. Generally speaking, They are safe to approach, as long as you can handle an earful of abuse for anything which contravenes their "Holy Scriptures", such as standing on the left-hand side of the escalator, or asking Them what time it is without prefacing your remark with the Southern password : "Oi oi saveloy!".
The best way to get around London is to hitch a ride with a one-eyed drunk taxi driver who thinks he is at Le Mans being chased by the rear seats of the cab. You'll probably die, but on the way you will be regaled with his political views. London is central to a large railway network which operates very frequent(ly delayed) services. Providing that you don't derail at Hatfield or crash head-on at Ladbroke Grove, you will end up at a train station such as Waterpoo (the World's smelliest terminus - not surprising given it is used by people from Basingrad, Feltham, Woking, Southampton, Portsmouth and Strawberry Hill).
London Underground is an addictive live role-playing game played by millions of Londoners every day beneath the streets of London. For the price of a single-journey ticket, "commuters" (as game participants are called) are armed with a laser gun and a truncheon. The aim of the game is to battle your way through the crowds of commuters to get to Mornington Crescent.
Travellers are advised to take a deep breath upon entering the trains, as no fresh air will be available until you reach street level again. Patrons are also advised that the average temperature inside the carriages is 93 degrees even in winter, so take a plentiful supply of water, a portable shower and something to eat.
Various obstacles are thrown in by the managers in order to make the game more difficult and challenging for the role-player. These include:
- Trains breaking down in the middle of tunnels.
- Trains coming anywhere up to half an hour late, with no explanation or apology.
- Fines for having the wrong ticket.
- Unhelpful and occasionally abusive "station attendants".
- Police officers who want to shoot you for looking a bit dodgy
- Transit employees going on strike and shutting the place down because they feel they are not paid enough to sit on their arse all day.
- Washed up bankers trying to end their pointless existence on the tracks.
- The acrid smell of hundreds of fetid, sweaty, greasy, miserable, unhelpful cunts.
At a couple of points the tube system crosses the river to South London. This was a mistake on the part of the designers, who had originally planned a route which 'kept the Southern darkies in their place'. The stations south of the Thames are scheduled for demolition soon.
Getting There and Away
The most common way of entering London is be the Death Trap known commonly as Heathrow Airport. The Death-trap is divided into 5 zones, namely Zones 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Zones 1-4 were built in a hellish style with tin foil and gaffer tape that was found in the Thames and designed by a 5 year-old boy with some Lego bricks. However Zone 5 is built by Steel and glass that was stolen during a riot in Tottenham, therefore it reduces the chance of total collapse from certain to most likely. However the design is a trap made by the evil men at BAA. Passengers are lured into Zone 5 by its "Modern" design, but in fact, it is just as dangerous as Zones 1-4. This is because in the basement of the Zone 5, Evil Demons will steal all baggage that comes through from check-in and run a Bendy-bus over the top of it. They will then chuck your bag off to Yugoslavia, Never to be seen again.