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“I can't believe you slept with Quagmire AND Cleveland, Lois! That's almost as bad as that time I swallowed with that giant barn!”
Family Guy is a brutally unfunny animated comedy cartoon series, the first that managed to destroy the city known as The Simpsons built on the gigantic mountain known as Matt Groening's ego. The show was born after baritone Seth MacFarlane, a poor Vietnamese immigrant, watched popular BBC drama American Dad while on an acid trip, and Family Guy was fertilized. Family Guy is about a dysfunctional family living in Quahog, Rhode Island, USA, with the radical appendages of a Football-headed baby and a bipedal talking Arctic wolf. Real Rhode Island inhabitants will consider the family as next-door neighbors. If they don't, then they are the family.
The majority of the humor in Family Guy consists of catering to frat boys who are indeed aware of the 1980s transpiring in some fashion, as well as farting and gratuitous violence. Experts still can't understand why the show gets such high ratings considering the material is sub-par and often leaves you wanting to inject yourself with heroin, and then put a loaded shotgun in your mouth, close your eyes, and pull the trigger after watching it. Family Guy recently received a TV-MA rating, in the hopes that the fact 96% of the fanbase go to bed after the watershed would deter the show. Unfortunately, like pancreatic cancer, the show refuses to go away.
A disgruntled and sexually confused Seth MacFarlane left his native Florida after he was expelled from the Walt Disney school of design for the racially pure for his pro-multiculturalist stance and molestation accusations. He then went through a chain of mindless jobs, such as marketing director for Shell oil, and prosecution lawyer at the Saddam Hussein trial. One day, after doodling stick figures on the swear words of a letter from his bank, MacFarlane got it into his head that he could become an artist. When that failed miserably, he made a decision to create an animated cartoon series, each character as funny and as much a national treasure as the last. After this went to shit, MacFarlane became addicted to hallucinogens and somehow dreamt up Family Guy. MacFarlane pitched the idea to Cartoon Network, who commissioned him to make a pilot episode. Luckily he realized before it was too late that he had dignity, and forced 20th Century Fox to like the idea.
Peter Griffin: The main protagonist of the series. He is an overweight 40-something year old man with the brain capacity of a four-year old. Despite being the so-called "hero", he constantly abuses everyone around him through drunk violent rage and annoying shenanigans, so he's more of an anti-hero. The only reason he's not in a mental institution is because he always wears glasses to make himself seem smarter. It works well in Quahog because just about everyone there is stupid.
Lois Griffin: Peter's wife. She has a large triangular nose taking up much of her face. Other than that, she's pretty much like every other stereotypical house wife who slaves over all the chores while her fat lazy douche husband lays on the couch watching sports.
Chris Griffin: The Mama's boy of the family. He closely resembles a manatee due to his body fat and his small mouth located low down his chubby face. He has blonde hair despite that neither Peter, Lois, or their parents are natural blondes. It's most likely that Peter had an affair with some dumb blonde chick then forgot about it.
Meg Griffin: The family punching bag. She could never seem to get any dates (with the exception of Mayor West, and Brian when he was really drunk), mostly due to her ugliness or her nonsupportive parents. Despite this, she has managed some success as as a Classic Rock DJ by following Howard Stern to his various gigs.
Brian Griffin: An anthropomorphic white canine who serves as the family pet ever since Peter stole him from a Chinese restaurant as take-out and then decided not to eat him after all. Brian is pretty much the smart guy surrounded by a bunch of morons. Like Meg, he is incapable of keeping any dates, though is far more likely to get laid.
Stewie Griffin: Peter and Lois' youngest and most football-like child. He has gone through a major transformation as the series progressed: starting off as an evil psychopath bent on world domination and killing his mom, gradually evolving into some happy-go-lucky homosexual with a crush on the family dog.
Glenn Quagmire: The rapist from next-door. Despite constantly stalking Lois, he is one of Peter's closest (and only) friends. He has also kidnapped and raped hundreds of women and has never once been arrested by Joe Swanson for this. Not to mention that he beat up Brian for fucking his dad. How in the hell does he get away with all this? The answer is simple: He's Quagmire! Giggity-Giggity-Goo!
Joe Swanson: The cripple from next-door. He works as a local policeman and is pretty good at catching criminals despite his broken legs. Strangely, he is friends with criminals. He strongly resembles Stan Smith due to his large chin, but is in no way related.
Cleveland Brown: The African-American from next-door. Or at least he was before he got tired of constantly falling out of his bathtub. Then he left to star in the fail spin-off known as The Cleveland Show, which is basically the same as Family Guy but with more black people. With this, he ultimately changed from a normal black guy to a black Peter Griffin.
Evil Monkey: See Mojo Jojo.
Ernie the Giant Chicken: A man-sized anthropomorphic chicken (not Foghorn Leghorn) who is the archenemy of Peter Griffin. It began when Peter ate chicken nuggets made out of Ernie's son. Then Ernie returned the favor by infecting Peter's cousin with Bird Flu. The two then decided that the only way to settle things was through violence.
Mayor West: Some guy who is popular for his random yet hilarious antics and somehow ended up the mayor of Quahog. That pretty much explains why the town has gone corrupt and retarded.
Vinny: A dog reincarnation of Paulie Walnuts that the family adopted after Brian was temporary assassinated by the idiots of Fox.
Family Guy Conquest
The pilot took MacFarlane's production company (Seth's American Studios or SAS) 18 years to create, which was considered good for a studio consisting of a chair, MacFarlane's sleeping bag and Microsoft NT workstation which predated the invention of metal. The title of the pilot episode is unknown, as the closest it has come to any human language is a very primitive form of Manx, making it an ultra-primitive form of English, which nobody in the modern World has been able to translate. The episode itself is difficult to follow, as it contains many disturbing scenes that cause you to die 7 days after watching. SAS released the first two seasons onto digital TV all over the American Empire, and was an instant success with audiences after watching only the first few seconds. DVDs were flying off the shelves, which made it difficult for people to take them and buy them.
After the USA, the rest of the World soon fell into line. Russia, Libya, Algeria, and Iran tried having a go at rebelling against the infidels at Family Guy, but failed as they are still unsure what a clear military victory looks like. Iraq went to war, but failed as it realized Saddam Hussein doesn't exist anymore. The trade embargo means that Cuba has never received Family Guy imports, but spontaneous citizens can get the rip off version "Semi-Terrorist Man" on cine film canister. However Fidel Castro has thanked the United States of America for not importing such boring, self gratifying, mindless drivel. The IQ of Cuba has gone up 3%, since this event. The world is now in danger by a nuclear terrorist brigade offended by a little joke about Osama bin Laden, but miraculously, American Dad is here to the rescue.
Many people have argued that Family Guy has just copied The Simpsons, and they'd be right - considering that both shows contain a fat drunk idiot, his hot wife, a son whom he hates, a loser daughter, and a baby. South Park has also repeatedly attacked Family Guy the way a deformed Welsh midget would cyberbully a 5 year-old Omanian asylum seeker, although Seth has counter-attacked as he has been known to hate anything that doesn't have his sense of humour in it. This debate ended shortly after the writers of South Park realized that it was ridiculous to allow themselves to be intimidated by a pre-pubescent gender confused teenager who got lost one day and ended up at a recording studio rather than a Batman convention.
Christians have protested against Family Guy for wrongly portraying the Jews as human equals, and for endorsing laughter before marriage. Creationists deny the existence of Family Guy, after the show endorsed the possibility of human beings actually finding that shit funny, which leads many to question if the apocalypse is well overdue.
The US Republican Party attempted to destroy the show after realizing that Seth MacFarlane is a literate human being with a soul and personality, and therefore wasn't somebody who would ever support (or could even be tricked into supporting) the Republicans.
Many Chinese restaurants were closed down by the FCC after a graphic scene showing Peter Griffin drowning in Wonton soup. As a result,you will receive free floaties every time your order soup at any restaurant.