Loch Ness Monster

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{{Scots}}
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{{Q|It's a phallic symbol, indicative of a Scotsman's sex drive lurking under the surface threatening to rape you any minute|Sigmund Freud|Nessie's significance in [[Scotland]]'s psyche}}
{{Q|I need about tree fiddy|Loch Ness Monster|asking Mrs. and Mr. Chef for money}}
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[[Image:LochNessMonster.jpg|thumb|right|220px|Ness was fined £383.29 for indecent exposure after his frequent flashings were captured on film.]]
{{Q|It's a Phallic symbol, indicative of a Scotsman's sex drive, ''lurking under the surface threatening to rape you any minute''|Sigmund Freud|Nessies significance in [[Scotland]]'s Psyche}}
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The '''Loch Ness Monster''' is a <s>figment of your imagination</s> giant plesiosaur from the Palaeolithic Era living in Loch Ness, [[Scotland]]. Yeah, let's go with that. Some claim it's a trap devised by highlanders to lure American/Canadian tourists, but they're lying, don't listen to them. And go buy some Nessie plushies from our gift shop.
{{Q|The Loch Ness Monster is a monster? I thought it was some kind of [[guinea pig]].|Captian Oblivious|the Loch Ness Monster}}
 
   
[[Image:LochNessMonster.jpg|250px|right|thumb|caption|Loch was fined £383.29 for indecent exposure after his frequent flashings were captured on film.]]
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Nessie is capable of producing long chains of [[Sugar|polysaccharides]] and known for its long list of enemies, including [[eels]], freshwater [[salmon]], and [[South Park|Thomas and Nelle McElroy]]. It is also well known for showing up at odd times and demanding £3.50. Oh yeah, and it has a mating colony on [[Pluto]]. That's right.
   
The '''Loch Ness Monster''' is not only a giant crustacean from the Palaeolithic Era (now it is high time to consider whether the [http://overnightessay.com/blog/2010/05/20/the-mystery-of-the-loch-ness-monster-is-absolutely-exposed/ Loch Ness Monster] is a living creature, like Hydra or Godzilla, or a myth, like tall Asians.), but is also a trap devised by highlanders to lure thick American/Canadian tourists. It lives in only one part of the world, which is in your imagination [[Inverness]], [[Scotland]]. It does have a mating colony on [[Pluto]] which the beast "frequents" from time to time (''Note: beware the Scot who offers to take you to Pluto via Syringe 'mind travel' as the needles could be dirty and you will probably get bummed'').
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Do not mistake Nessie with his [[female]] counterpart "''Va''nessie"; despite similarities in appearance and class, Mr. Ness is a ''guy''. The differences found in their behaviors are enormous and could cost you your life. Seriously, there's a whole ''colony'' of creatures living in Loch Ness that just so happen to avoid us and never come out of the water.
   
It is capable of producing long chains of [[Sugar|polysaccharides]] and known for its long list of enemies including the [[bitch]], [[Marilyn Monroe|Marilyn Manson]], and the [[dragon fly]] or horny fella. They enjoy the cheerful sport of child molesting and are often seen among the rides at [[Michael Jackson]]'s wonderland. Do not mistake the Loch Ness Monster with its [[female]] counterpart "Nessie"; despite the similarities in appearance and class, Nessie only rapes female children. The differences found in their behaviors are enormous and could cost you your life. The Loch Ness Monster is also well known for showing up at odd times and demanding £3.50.
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==History==
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{{Wikipedia}}
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Nessie was born around 1.8 million B.C. in Falkirk. He was so cute that peasants often would take him and let him play with their children until their children began to disappear. They disappeared not because they were eaten but because they exploded. Nessie had a habit of playing the "smoke the weird underwater leaf" game, something that proved dangerous for any human.
   
==Appearance==
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Nessie later realized that he was not liked by the younger folk anymore, so he moved to Central Park and played chess with [[Bigfoot|the Neanderthal who lived there at the time]]. One sad December day, he got in a fight with the man and crushed his spleen because he had cheated in a chess match.
[[Image:Coast.PNG|250px|left|thumb|caption|A photo of the monster taken during Scotland's annual Marti Grah, 1992. Everyone was on pot in 1992.]]
 
Do not mistake the Homo Simpson with a penis petunia or raptor. The body of the Loch Ness is long and hard extruding curly hair-like fibers at the end (Sounds kinda like my penis! Oh no I didn't!) Along the spine of the Loch Ness Monster are large zits, often mistaken for growths. (Yep, definitely my penis. Mine has a spine you know) The skin of the Loch Ness is an orangey, pink color that is rarely seen underneath its shining black armor. It is 300,000 nanometers in length and so is the same size as George Bush's brain but were not here to talk about him; he has his own specific page for his "amazing" deeds. It's kinda stupid that I said the loch ness monster is alike to my penis. Especially since I then said it was the size of Bush's brain.
 
   
[[Image:Nessie attacks.jpg|thumb|right|200px|The conclusive photographic evidence that finally persuaded the world.]]
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Nessie was banished from Long Island and decided to relocate to the Caribbean Sea. One day, he decided to go on vacation in Scotland. He was so smitten with Loch Ness that he decided to stay there for a while, just in time for the Ice Age to begin and the loch to freeze, trapping him inside.
   
Note: Attempts to remove the shining black armor that the Loch Ness Monster carries around have been met with little success. Further attempts to remove the armor are looked down upon. The latest Nessie sighting happened just west of [[Los Angeles]], but it turned out to be [[Madonna]] after ''treatments''.
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Many years later, in 565 A.D., Nessie was unfrozen. He came across a Pict swimming in the lake, and decided that since he hadn't had a meal in millions of years, he would eat the poor fellow. Later, a monk named [[St. Columbo]] and his sidekick Legume Moccumin came looking for the body. Nessie attacked Legume, but Columbo held up a cross and told him the beast to go away, and he did. The Picts praised God for this [[Bullshit|miracle]] and crowned St. Columbo their king.
   
The Loch Ness monster is a type of white boy coin used in [[Argentina]]. It was of no use to the locals because they were to freaking poor. So they used it in the making of the first toilet. It was not a great idea for Argentinians because the were so poor, they had no toilet paper so they had to use their hands. it didn't work. it was later used for discriminating people with blue and pink shoes and sombreros!
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Nessie currently resides in Loch Ness and preys upon anyone who invades his home.
   
Local Nessie expert Willie Cameroon (not [[Denica Fairman]]) who is such a fearsome red-bearded Scot that during his frequent TV appearances viewers are convinced that a surviving dinosaur from the Jurassic era actually exists! Offers by Drameron to catch a special sighting of his monster are best avoided as nobody who has accepted this offer have been seen again. To this day, he still needs his Tree-Fiddy.
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==Appearance and sightings==
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[[Image:Nessie attacks.jpg|thumb|left|200px|The "Puppet Photo" {{small|(1934)}}, conclusive photographic evidence that shook the world.]]
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The body of the Loch Ness Monster is [[Penis|long and hard extruding curly hair-like fibers at the end]]. Along the spine of LNM are large zits, often mistaken for growths. The skin of the monster is an orangey, pink, sickly green multi-monlothic color that is rarely seen underneath its shining jet black armor. It is 300,000,000 nanometers in length and has giant horns and breathes fire. Oh yeah, and it can do magic tricks.
   
==Loch Ness Rhymes==
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Attempts to remove the shining black armor that the Loch Ness Monster carries around have been met with little success. Further attempts to remove the armor are looked down upon. The latest Nessie sighting happened just west of [[Los Angeles]], but it turned out to be [[Madonna]] after treatments,
[[Image:Loch Ness Monster X-ing.png|250px|thumb|A typical sighting of the Loch Ness Monster, found near a Loch Ness Monster X-ing sign.]]
 
:You can knock it,
 
:You can rock it,
 
:You can go to Timbuktu,
 
:But you'll never find a Nessy in the Jew.
 
:You may see an Anaconda, or [[Giraffe]] and Kangaroo,
 
:But you'll never see a Nessie in a Jew.
 
   
{{Q|That rhyme sucked.|Captain Obvious|The Crappy Rhyme}}
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Actually, fuck all that stuff I said before. We all know [[Nessie]] isn't really a plesiosaur, he's a dragon. No wait, he's he's a green...err, purple [[leprechaun]]. One day [[Odin]] came to him crying, and clearly upset LNM, who were wearing a magical [[hoodie]] which gave him the Word of the High One ("Hávamál").
   
==On sale on ebay==
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==Attempts at capture==
[[Image:Lochness_potato.jpg|thumb|right|220px|The inconclusive photographic evidence that persuaded the world.]]
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[[Image:Loch Ness Monster X-ing.png|200px|thumb|A typical sighting of the Loch Ness Monster, found near a monster-crossing sign.]]
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Local Nessie expert Willie Cameroon is such a fearsome red-bearded Scot, that during his frequent TV appearances viewers are convinced that a surviving dinosaur from the Jurassic era actually exists! Offers by Drameron to catch a special sighting of his monster are best avoided as nobody who has accepted this offer have been seen again. To this day, he still needs his Tree-Fiddy.
   
Due to [[Scotland]] being skint, [[Alex Salmond]] tried to sell Nessie on [[ebay]]. [[Iran]], thinking she was the latest hi-tech weapon, purchased her for $7,000,000,000,000. Salmond subsequently claimed she wasn't real but collected the Iranian money anyway. [[Iran]] declared [[war]] on Scotland, so Scotland sent its greatest [[warrior]], no not [[William Wallace]], [[Robert the Bruce]] or [[Sean Connery]] but [[Susan Boyle]]. [[United States]] declares war on Iran, firing a ONE shot, at a Iranian goat (rumored to be actually Canadian). Scotland win the war when Boyle eats the whole of Iran and [[Kuwait]] by mistake, fat cow. United States declare to be the greatest nation ever by defecting Iran by supplying SoBo with [[McDonald's]] and [[Burger King]]s down the years. But as we all know [[Nessie]] isn't really a dragon , she's a green/purple [[leprechaun]]. One day [[Odin]] came to her crying , and clearly upsed . Nessie , which were wearing a [[hoodie]] gave him the word of the high one ( Hávamál ).
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In 2012, due to [[Scotland]] being skint, [[Alex Salmond]] finally caught the Loch Ness Monster and tried to sell it on [[eBay]]. [[Iran]], thinking the monster was a hi-tech weapon, purchased him for $7,000,000,000,000. Salmond subsequently claimed he wasn't real, but collected the Iranian money anyway. In response, [[Iran]] attacked Scotland, leading to an all-out war.
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==See also==
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* [[Bigfoot]]
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[[Category:Monsters]]
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[[Category:Scotland]]

Latest revision as of 08:16, August 9, 2015

“It's a phallic symbol, indicative of a Scotsman's sex drive lurking under the surface threatening to rape you any minute”
~ Sigmund Freud on Nessie's significance in Scotland's psyche
LochNessMonster

Ness was fined £383.29 for indecent exposure after his frequent flashings were captured on film.

The Loch Ness Monster is a figment of your imagination giant plesiosaur from the Palaeolithic Era living in Loch Ness, Scotland. Yeah, let's go with that. Some claim it's a trap devised by highlanders to lure American/Canadian tourists, but they're lying, don't listen to them. And go buy some Nessie plushies from our gift shop.

Nessie is capable of producing long chains of polysaccharides and known for its long list of enemies, including eels, freshwater salmon, and Thomas and Nelle McElroy. It is also well known for showing up at odd times and demanding £3.50. Oh yeah, and it has a mating colony on Pluto. That's right.

Do not mistake Nessie with his female counterpart "Vanessie"; despite similarities in appearance and class, Mr. Ness is a guy. The differences found in their behaviors are enormous and could cost you your life. Seriously, there's a whole colony of creatures living in Loch Ness that just so happen to avoid us and never come out of the water.

edit History

Wikisplode
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Loch Ness Monster.

Nessie was born around 1.8 million B.C. in Falkirk. He was so cute that peasants often would take him and let him play with their children until their children began to disappear. They disappeared not because they were eaten but because they exploded. Nessie had a habit of playing the "smoke the weird underwater leaf" game, something that proved dangerous for any human.

Nessie later realized that he was not liked by the younger folk anymore, so he moved to Central Park and played chess with the Neanderthal who lived there at the time. One sad December day, he got in a fight with the man and crushed his spleen because he had cheated in a chess match.

Nessie was banished from Long Island and decided to relocate to the Caribbean Sea. One day, he decided to go on vacation in Scotland. He was so smitten with Loch Ness that he decided to stay there for a while, just in time for the Ice Age to begin and the loch to freeze, trapping him inside.

Many years later, in 565 A.D., Nessie was unfrozen. He came across a Pict swimming in the lake, and decided that since he hadn't had a meal in millions of years, he would eat the poor fellow. Later, a monk named St. Columbo and his sidekick Legume Moccumin came looking for the body. Nessie attacked Legume, but Columbo held up a cross and told him the beast to go away, and he did. The Picts praised God for this miracle and crowned St. Columbo their king.

Nessie currently resides in Loch Ness and preys upon anyone who invades his home.

edit Appearance and sightings

Nessie attacks

The "Puppet Photo" (1934), conclusive photographic evidence that shook the world.

The body of the Loch Ness Monster is long and hard extruding curly hair-like fibers at the end. Along the spine of LNM are large zits, often mistaken for growths. The skin of the monster is an orangey, pink, sickly green multi-monlothic color that is rarely seen underneath its shining jet black armor. It is 300,000,000 nanometers in length and has giant horns and breathes fire. Oh yeah, and it can do magic tricks.

Attempts to remove the shining black armor that the Loch Ness Monster carries around have been met with little success. Further attempts to remove the armor are looked down upon. The latest Nessie sighting happened just west of Los Angeles, but it turned out to be Madonna after treatments,

Actually, fuck all that stuff I said before. We all know Nessie isn't really a plesiosaur, he's a dragon. No wait, he's he's a green...err, purple leprechaun. One day Odin came to him crying, and clearly upset LNM, who were wearing a magical hoodie which gave him the Word of the High One ("Hávamál").

edit Attempts at capture

Loch Ness Monster X-ing

A typical sighting of the Loch Ness Monster, found near a monster-crossing sign.

Local Nessie expert Willie Cameroon is such a fearsome red-bearded Scot, that during his frequent TV appearances viewers are convinced that a surviving dinosaur from the Jurassic era actually exists! Offers by Drameron to catch a special sighting of his monster are best avoided as nobody who has accepted this offer have been seen again. To this day, he still needs his Tree-Fiddy.

In 2012, due to Scotland being skint, Alex Salmond finally caught the Loch Ness Monster and tried to sell it on eBay. Iran, thinking the monster was a hi-tech weapon, purchased him for $7,000,000,000,000. Salmond subsequently claimed he wasn't real, but collected the Iranian money anyway. In response, Iran attacked Scotland, leading to an all-out war.

edit See also

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