Loch Ness Monster
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“It's a phallic symbol, indicative of a Scotsman's sex drive lurking under the surface threatening to rape you any minute”
The Loch Ness Monster is a
figment of your imagination giant plesiosaur from the Palaeolithic Era living in Loch Ness, Scotland. Yeah, let's go with that. Some claim it's a trap devised by highlanders to lure American/Canadian tourists, but they're lying, don't listen to them. And go buy some Nessie plushies from our gift shop.
Nessie is capable of producing long chains of polysaccharides and known for its long list of enemies, including eels, freshwater salmon, and Thomas and Nelle McElroy. It is also well known for showing up at odd times and demanding £3.50. Oh yeah, and it has a mating colony on Pluto. That's right.
Do not mistake Nessie with his female counterpart "Vanessie"; despite similarities in appearance and class, Mr. Ness is a guy. The differences found in their behaviors are enormous and could cost you your life. Seriously, there's a whole colony of creatures living in Loch Ness that just so happen to avoid us and never come out of the water.
Nessie was born around 1.8 million B.C. in Falkirk. He was so cute that peasants often would take him and let him play with their children until their children began to disappear. They disappeared not because they were eaten but because they exploded. Nessie had a habit of playing the "smoke the weird underwater leaf" game, something that proved dangerous for any human.
Nessie later realized that he was not liked by the younger folk anymore, so he moved to Central Park and played chess with the Neanderthal who lived there at the time. One sad December day, he got in a fight with the man and crushed his spleen because he had cheated in a chess match.
Nessie was banished from Long Island and decided to relocate to the Caribbean Sea. One day, he decided to go on vacation in Scotland. He was so smitten with Loch Ness that he decided to stay there for a while, just in time for the Ice Age to begin and the loch to freeze, trapping him inside.
Many years later, in 565 A.D., Nessie was unfrozen. He came across a Pict swimming in the lake, and decided that since he hadn't had a meal in millions of years, he would eat the poor fellow. Later, a monk named St. Columbo and his sidekick Legume Moccumin came looking for the body. Nessie attacked Legume, but Columbo held up a cross and told him the beast to go away, and he did. The Picts praised God for this miracle and crowned St. Columbo their king.
Nessie currently resides in Loch Ness and preys upon anyone who invades his home.
edit Appearance and sightings
The body of the Loch Ness Monster is long and hard extruding curly hair-like fibers at the end. Along the spine of LNM are large zits, often mistaken for growths. The skin of the monster is an orangey, pink, sickly green multi-monlothic color that is rarely seen underneath its shining jet black armor. It is 300,000,000 nanometers in length and has giant horns and breathes fire. Oh yeah, and it can do magic tricks.
Attempts to remove the shining black armor that the Loch Ness Monster carries around have been met with little success. Further attempts to remove the armor are looked down upon. The latest Nessie sighting happened just west of Los Angeles, but it turned out to be Madonna after treatments,
Actually, fuck all that stuff I said before. We all know Nessie isn't really a plesiosaur, he's a dragon. No wait, he's he's a green...err, purple leprechaun. One day Odin came to him crying, and clearly upset LNM, who were wearing a magical hoodie which gave him the Word of the High One ("Hávamál").
edit Attempts at capture
Local Nessie expert Willie Cameroon is such a fearsome red-bearded Scot, that during his frequent TV appearances viewers are convinced that a surviving dinosaur from the Jurassic era actually exists! Offers by Drameron to catch a special sighting of his monster are best avoided as nobody who has accepted this offer have been seen again. To this day, he still needs his Tree-Fiddy.
In 2012, due to Scotland being skint, Alex Salmond finally caught the Loch Ness Monster and tried to sell it on eBay. Iran, thinking the monster was a hi-tech weapon, purchased him for $7,000,000,000,000. Salmond subsequently claimed he wasn't real, but collected the Iranian money anyway. In response, Iran attacked Scotland, leading to an all-out war.