UnNews:Town to adopt allegedly more efficient "door-to-door" news delivery method

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20 December 2008


Yeah, just keep smiling, buddy. It's only a matter of time before another mail service comes along and takes your place. You bastard.

Town, USA -- Your local post office has recently taken some very drastic, dare I say radical steps towards fulfilling their mission of delivering important news, as well as less important news, directly to you, as efficiently as possible, while still maintaining their popular weather-oriented "nothing can stop us" mentality about current events. Local Mail, famous (locally) for their slightly differing views from the US Mail on how weather effects transport of news, has made a big move today, in that, as of next Monday, "The News" will be mass-produced in paper bundles and, via a likely white, but possibly brown delivery truck, delivered individually to the homes of each one of Town's information-hungry citizens.

Having gone up until recently by the time-honored slogan, "Neither rain nor snow.", Town's previous method of news delivery (nailing each individual article to the telephone pole directly in the middle of the city, protected from snow and rain by a ten foot radius awning), has been deemed inferior, due to Old Man Jenkins of 237 Indigo Plateau's compliance in finally installing a retractable tin awning on his home's roof. Sleet and hale, two environmental factors the local news printing department's staff is unprepared to deal with, can finally be combated in a practical manner by every member of the town, due to Jenkins adding the final piece to the puzzle, in a town where everyone else had already installed their own retractable awnings years ago. Jenkins is reported as having stated, "Confounded new-fangly metal gadgets. Bah!"

Local officials are pleased that Jenkins made this decision, as the post office was beginning to hint at following in Nearby City's footsteps, and placing a large tarp over the top of the entire city to combat weather issues. Granted, Nearby City's local postal service is notorious for going by the simple slogan "Neither sun.", as their abilities to deal with natural disaster are still currently in a fifth-world state of development. Despite this, Local City is making rapid advances in a new technology being perfected, called the internet, in which prints of news may not even be required to be made, and people can access every piece of news, often with several objective different tellings of each story from different sources, through the use of their cozy home computers. Old Man Jenkins, upon hearing news of the town's advancements in this area, was once more heard to mumble, "Confloundit, new dang voodoo machines. Pah!"

Despite the convenience of internet-based mail, as well as the convenience of door-to-door delivery, neither is expected to catch on very well in Town, the jogging capital of the United States. Most town residents (excluding Old Man Jenkins, of course, who is wheelchair-bound) have become very well accustomed to making the daily jog to the center of town, to read the latest news stories, or, if they simply have no interest in the news, staying home and watching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show on television. To which Old Man Jenkins can normally be heard shouting, "Dang-flambed, tee vee boxes! Pbah!"

Local News assures its loyal readers that this move is only experimental, and that if things don't work out, people should expect to be able to jog to the center of town every day once more. Several plans to sabotage the new way of doing things are already underway. Town officials, however, have stated that any form of sabotage "doesn't count." They've also asserted that "no tag-backs" are allowed against the mailmen who will be throwing the papers against our local town doors.

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