Welcome to Uncyclopedia's article on Lobsters, the lobster of articles on lobsters (not as fun as the Stephen Colbert of articles on lobsters: "Lobsters" on Wookiepedia). In deciding to look up lobsters on Uncyclopedia, you have given us an idea of what you're looking for in life. Had you looked up "Lobster" on the now infamous , we would figure you have some kind of lobster fetish. "Lobster" on Wikipedia, and you must be an oceanographer. "Lobster" on Uncyclopedia? What the hell were you expecting? What are you doing with your time? You bring shame to the famed lobster article of Uncyclopedia! Let's begin.
Welcome... to Uncyclopedia's Article on Lobsters
Here's what to expect: the unexpected! Lobsters have a rich history, and they are supremely interesting. We at Uncyclopedia are interested in giving you the finest information available. The information we're about to give you on lobsters is not only of the highest quality, but is backed up by tons and tons of facts 'n shit.
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If you just keep reading, you will learn a whole lot more about lobsters than you ever thought possible. This article, as we have already explained, is of the highest quality. This article is totally without any viewpoint, whether it be pro- or anti-lobster, pro- or anti-abortion, or pro- or anti-biotics. Don't expect ANY viewpoint WHATSOEVER. There is no opinion to be found here, other than our opinion that this article is kick-ass awesome. Totally unbiased, objective, and factual facts about lobsters are yours just for the taking.
Let's fucking begin.
Introduction to the Lobster
The lobster (Species 32654) is a large marine
triskaidecapod type of fish, or something, with claws, antennae, a crunchy exoskeleton, and an alarming number of legs. It is a common misconception that lobsters are red in color; they are actually a deep brownish-orange. This myth stems from the fact that lobsters are often seen while covered in blood from their enemies, who often suffer from gruesome pinching-related deaths. Humans often solve the problem of the lobster's dangerous claws by placing a single flimsy rubber band around each claw, rendering the lobster harmless and incapable of performing its trademark finishing move, 'grabbing onto your nose and not letting go'. There. Now you know some of the anatomical features of lobsters. Hopefully, this little literary libation on lobsters has been... lolworthy and heLpfuL?
Most of the non-sexual appendages of the lobster serve at least one specialized function. The claws are for hunting as well as defense against predators. Its legs are very useful for walking around underwater, or dancing if so inclined. Training a lobster to dance, while it has never been done, would be an awesome youtube viral video. It uses its tail for, uh, tracking distant magnetic resonance... you don't care about the tail. Its longest tentacle is used for gently caressing and undressing female lobsters. Sadly, lobsters have to lift up each other's skirts to see what gender they are. This means that even the males wear skirts, and that's deeply disturbing to us. The hardened shell might look like it's there for protection, but its main function is actually to make that cool cracking sound when you pull it apart prior to eating it. Without this important feature, it is estimated that eating a lobster may be up to 38% less fun. The antennae are used... for... something. Perhaps for receiving interplanetary transmissions from some kind of overlords somewhere. Or maybe for making the lobster look kind of silly to its prey, to lull them into a false sense of security.
Just how alarming is their number of legs?
When the lobster was first discovered in, say, 1687, the discoverer, Jim Q. Lobster, was very, very alarmed. In fact, we're alarmed just THINKING about it. They're just squirming with legs! Oh god, get them off us!
You are now about halfway through Uncyclopedia's article on lobsters
All this learning about nature's most exciting creatures can be quite draining - you don't want to do it all in one go. That's why we at Uncyclopeida are now providing you with this refreshing break, complete with our helpful drinks waitress, Doreen. Take the time to relax, and return your pulse rate to normal, before you return to the action of the rest of the article.
Hi, how are you doing hon? Can I refill your drink?
You know, for all the hibbledeebip about lobsters, you'd think we'd get more visitors, but it's been pretty slow these days.
I hope you're enjoying yourself. I know it's pretty dry information, but please stick around. I think the authors have some even more pretty dry information coming up. Yeah, I think they talk about Hannibal, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, all sorts of lobster related stuff.
Okay honey, see you 'round.
Ready to plunge back in? Good - here we go again!
Most modern lobsters suffer from severe depression and will readily fling themselves into a pot of boiling water just to end it all. A few altruistic charities, such as Red Lobster, have offered to provide counseling for these lobsters; however, despite their best efforts, the damn things just keep ending up in the pot. There are also a wide range of other diagnosed social and psychological disorders among lobsters, varying from the mild (lobsters who think they are some sort of other crustacean and act as such) to the severely debilitating tapheselachophobia.
Applying lobster psychology is difficult at the best of times, mostly due to the ineffectiveness of the human voice to be heard underwater, but also complicated by the disturbing sight of a lobster laying on its back on a "psychology couch" with its alarming number of legs flailing in the air. Many budding lobster psychologists have been alarmed by these legs to the point of finding alternative employment in lobster-free industries.
Lobster psychology is a special degree offered online at Uncyclopedia Online University. Classes include Introduction to Lobster Psychology, Lobster Personality Psychology, and Abnormal Lobster Psychology. Sign up today! We're kidding of course: the sign up date has already passed.
Lobsters in History
Well-known historical figure and leader of The A-Team Hannibal, when looking for a hardy species to help him cross the Alps with his Carthaginian buddies to kick some Roman ass, naturally first considered using giant lobsters. He was hoping they'd give him an advantage for several reasons: their tough exoskeleton could provide his men with an extra level of protection; that their colossal claws would be an advantage in battle; that their combined number of giant lobster legs would be enough to severely alarm any opposing forces; and that if one of the animals had to be put down due to an injury, it would make for far tastier soups and salads than an elephant. He only reluctantly abandoned the plan on discovering that elephants were more readily available than giant lobsters.
The ancient Greeks also originally planned to create a massive wooden lobster at the siege of Troy - because the noble lobster would, of course, have been seen as a far greater tribute to their valiant foes, the Trojans than a poxy horse. However, the plan was quickly abandoned in favour of the now famous (but far more boring) Trojan Horse as trying to craft claws, feelers and those many, many legs, of the lobster would have taken too long. They were also worried that a giant lobster might be dunked in a giant pan of boiling water by the starving Trojans - who had been under siege for some time, and would undoubtedly be peckish.
The original mascot for Easter was a lobster, but was replaced by a rabbit in the early 19th century. The idea came about because Jesus's sidekick, Larry the Lobster, was chosen as a successor in the church after Jesus's death. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but we researched this. We all have PhDs in Lobsters, thank you very much. They're very important to the ecosystem, we'll have you know, and we don't want you saying "no, this is wrong" or "no, that's a lie" because we
wasted spent 7 years of our lives studying this, so shut up!
Lobsters in The Bible
As all right-thinking people know, the very act of eating lobster is likely to send you straight to the very bottom of the fieriest pit of hell. In Lobiticus 14:10-halfway down the page-ish, it clearly states: "Don't go eating lobster either - not bisque nor thermidor nor any other lobster dishes with names I can't remember right now. For verily, even though the Lord saw fit in his might to make them delicious, nutritious and plentiful, He also has a pet Lobster called Steve. And yea verily he is greatly attached to Steve. Woe be unto those who nibble, chomp, guzzle or slurp upon the flesh of Steve's extended family. Thou hast been warned."
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So here's Doreen again to help you unwind a little before the frenetic dash to the finish.
Hey again, honey. Are you ready to order yet?
Sorry, we don't serve that in this article. ...I'm sorry sir, you'll have to order something else!
What'd you say to me, sugartits? We don't serve that item here, it's too obvious!
I thought you were a gentleman! Well, damn! I hope the rest of the article is short and stupid, and that it isn't a very good conclusion!
Oh dear, looks like all the excitement's been a bit much for you, huh? You really shouldn't have said that, though. We'll just skip through this last section and then you can go home for a nice, long lie down, until you've gotten all that adrenaline out of your system.
Other members of the Lobster family
Scorpions, or "land lobsters", are harvested annually because they provide us with several necessary amenities: cocktail sauce (which is housed primarily in the "sting"), alligator clamps, and their famously delicious meat which is often used as a condiment in haggis. They are considered very much the "black sheep" of the Lobster family, and are often derided by their tastier cousins for the size of their claws. They do try to exact a measure of revenge, but have so far been unable to find a way to sting the true lobsters due to that pesky exoskeleton. At Lobster family gatherings, Scorpions are always made to stand at the back on family photos, and often suffer the indignity of having their birthdays completely forgotten by their lobster brethren.
If scorpions are the black sheep of the lobster family, then crabs would be the vaguely gray-ish ones. They spend most of their time crab-walking, using their many legs to move sideways, wishing they were as cool as lobsters, transporting themselves laterally, and scuttling. It is estimated that crabs are responsible for over 93% of all the scuttling done in nature. Some crabs have undertaken desperate measures to remedy their inferiority to lobsters. For example, some crabs have developed shrinking technology and migrated to the pubic region of hospitable human subjects, in a disease known as AIDS. Other crabs have resorted to taking steroids in order to increase their pathetic claw size and measure up to the ridiculously well-endowed lobster. However, this often results in disaster, as the lopsided circulation of crabs result in one claw growing to hilarious proportions while shrinking the other to the point of comical uselessness. Seem implausible? Well, you should know that a PhD in Lobsters requires over twenty hours of coursework in crab-related fields, so why don't you cut us a little slack?