Lobotomy
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“Thanks doc, it feels like you took a load off my mind! ”
~ Happy lobotomy recipient
“You know what can fix that?, A full frontal lobotomy!”
~ Dr. Walter Lobotomizer on everything
“Guess I'm gonna tell um that I got no cerebellum ”
~ The Ramones recipient
“Fox News, The Bible and Conservapedia will show us the way. Vote Republican. (dribble)”
~ Lobotomy Recipient
A lobotomy is a surgical operation done to the brain to correct just about everything. Named after its inventor MacGyver. Lobotomies have been used to cure mental depression, schizophrenia, headaches, homicidal mania, Communism, writers block, criminal urges and politicians. Lobotomizes are often cited for causing the worry free/happy years of the 1950’s.
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[edit] History
For thousands of years people have experimented with the brain, trying (in vain) to stop it from producing mucus and other nostril products. During some of these helpless attempts to cure congestion many of the patients were found to have lost interest about their sinuses (or anything else for that matter). During the late 1800’s doctors perfected this form of “worry removal” by sawing ones skull open and taking out miscellaneous chunks of matter from the brain, the procedure was quite messy and many doctors where squeamish from all the blood and mucus. In the early 1950’s Dr. Walter Lobotomizer perfected a new approach to lobotomies involving a ice pick, a hammer and your eye sockets, this approach communism the speed of lobotomies, sometimes patients would get two in just one day. Dr. Lobotomizer show cased his new procedure with publicity stunts such as performing four lobotomies at once (2 with each hand and 2 with each foot). Dr. Lobotomizer sought to give everyone lobotomies to better the world.
[edit] Types of Lobotomies
Depending on if the ice pick is shoved in the patients eyes, nose or ears different results are achived.
- Worriless: Recipients are left without a single worry, and simply sits there grinning wide eye in joy as they stare into the blankness of the nearest wall, often beating cats and staring at a miscellaneous objects competition. Often these people will see the finer beauty of things such as how lovely the house looks when it’s on fire.
- Childlike: Removing the dreaded adult sections of the brain finally allows recipients to return to their inner child. Prancing around while trying to make a cat and dog fit into wedding costumes, these people are often cited by children as annoying and lacking seriousness. Many recipients will have the sudden urge to write poems on the wall with their own waste.
- Zombie: When all else fails to correct a person's horrible personality, it becomes simple to just remove it. Recipients often talk in a mindless monotone and long winded lectures. Occasionally drooling, walking with a gate, running for president, and seeking the missing part of their minds by violently attacking other people and eating their brains. This form of lobotomy was uesd in Russia for over 2,000,000 years.
[edit] Alternate Techniques
In 1957 Dr Hubert Von Wurstingnangnanger performed the first Rectal lobotomy, on British Consul to the Vatican, Rt. Hon. Ken Dodd. The procedures aim was to reduce or eliminate the patient’s tendency to “Talk out of his arse” But while initially successful, the results of the operation where found to be reversed upon the intake of alcohol. As a side note - Mr. Dodd, unable to keep his diplomatic position, returned to his native Liverpool, where he developed the lethal form of self defense known as Ken Do’od
Dr Wurstingnangnanger, after being beset by the failiure of the Rectal lobotomy, went on to develop the Halluxial (big toe) Lobotomy. This was done in order to limit the number of the populous who “have more brain cells in my big toe, than you have in your head”
[edit] Downfall of Lobotomies
9 out of 10 scientologists agree that Lobotomies lost favor after evil psychiatrists created drugs that did some of the same things Lobotomies did but sadly did not have the same permalynent effect. Once big oil backed the drug companies, Lobotomies were simply out-marketed. Dr. Lobotomizer was financial ruined after producing a variety of lobotomy figurines, toys and franchise goods that no one wanted to buy, and he entered a deep depression that ended only when he lobotomized himself and then nothing really bothered him anymore....
[edit] Naturaly Occuring Lobotomies
Lobotomies can occur naturaly, without any surgery needed. This is the most common form of lobotomy encountered today. This can happen in a veriety of different ways:
- Watching Fox News for an extended period of time.
- Being Clown raped
- Listening to George Bush speak. (You know when you've had the lobotmy when you begin to understand him).
- Reading and/or editing Conservapedia.
- Using a Virtual Boy (This does actualy leave the surgical scars)
