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The parish church, aka the Big Ben of Llanelli. The grandest building in the town!

Llanelli (pronounced by the locals as "lanelly or Llanell-EEE (the last bit said in a high voice) is a town in 'Wirlz'.

The people are known for their unattractiveness, obsessions with rugby (or rrrrrrhugbi) and drinking, and biased opinions of anything or anyone different from those who act "the llanelli way". And also their unique made up words for things.

More coming soon!

CultureEdit

LanguageEdit

The people of Llanelli are known for their mixed language. They speak a bizarre mix of English, Welsh and Nonsense. The welsh part is usually said to the English speaking population as a way of being rude and as an act of mockery. The nonsense part consists of dialect rubbish that is of part Welsh, part American colloquialisms

Here is a list of some of these ridiculous words:

  • bake (means dopey person, see wew)
  • billy (means willy, if you ser what i mean)

"Oooh that's a fine billy you've got there Idris!"

  • dedoreth (means dopey, lethargic)

"You seem very dedoreth all the time"

  • In a sog (means in a stupor)

"You're sitting in there in a sog in front of the fire"

  • maammy (means mother) (also frequently mammy and mam are used"

"I love you maammy dear"

  • moithered (means "hot and bothered")

"You get all moithered under the covers"

  • scraech (means screech)

"Your voice is scraechy"

  • scroming (means crawling on floor)

"Stop scroming around on the floor!)

  • skimp (means tight fitting)

"I don't like you in that jumper, it's too skimp"

  • stife (means stifling smell)

"There's an awful stife in here"

  • twch (means tickly cough)

"I didn't cough, it was only a little twch"

  • wew (means dopey person)

"You're like a wew about the place"

Some of them wouldn't sound out of place in Victorian East End of London.

They are also frequently known to drop their h's. For example "In the House", becomes "In de 'owse". Some also pronounce words such as "ruin" and "fruit" as "rewin" or "frewt". Various becomes "viirious", dairy becomes "diiry" and Kidwelly (a nearby town) has been pronounced as "Kidwaley" They also pronounce Primark wrong, as they say "Preemark".

PeopleEdit

“"I came across one perticular chav whose head was the size of jacket potato, who had no neck, spoke like pingu and whose body was like that of WWF wrestler (many years of inter-family relationships, and steroid abuse !!)"”
~

The people of Llanelli are known for their rugged potato-faced unattractiveness.

  • The men are usually bald, overweight, and built like giants. They also sometimes have heavy facial hair. Their main interests include rugby (lots of it), drinking, cars, chatting boring talk to each other and billy comparing, a llanelli tradition.
  • the women are frequently large, and have long dark hair. They wear a lot of cream and "tawp" loose clothes and sandals and sunglasses, and enjoy gossiping with the locals. This may not sound so bad, but they like gossiping about others and if they see the person in question, they give disgusted glances and ooh and coo.
  • The teenage boys are frequently nerdy and spotty with glasses. Or they look like their fathers, see above.
  • The teenage girls look about 10 and want to look like their mothers.
  • The little boys frequently have short cropped hair, and very round faces, and frequently no eyebrows. They are very plump and like running around the town centre screaming their heads off. They frequently wear rugby shirts.
  • The little girls frequently have the "scarecrow cut", which consists of a short straight style that doesn't meet their shoulders, with wispy bangs. They wear pink and white polka dot a lot, and frequently lisp, especially phrases like "i wuv u mammy dear"
  • The babies (or "babbies" as they're known in Llanelli) have very round faces, referred to as moonfaces, and usually have gormless expressions. They aren't like the lovely happy smiley babies you see on adverts and tv programmes. One woman dressed her daughter up in gender neutral clothes in the 80s, which caused a lot of odd looks from the public.
  • Another note about the children, they're frequently autistic etc.
  • The elderly ladies like sitting in a rocking chair and knitting and wearing slippers
  • The elderly men like smoking pipes and sitting in a comfy chair

Altogether, the people are typical people, who wouldn't be out of place in a children's storybook.

Once some people reach fifty, they turn into "funny little people". These are the eccentric type of people who act a bit like Jean Slater from EastEnders, except they act about 20 years older than they actually are, and talk like stereotypical witches.

In the rest of the world, the stages of life are baby, toddler, child, teenager, adult, older adult. However in Llanelli its little boy/girl, yunggggg man/woman, man/woman, or old man/wonan

Llanelli people are known as "turks", even though they have nothing to do with Turkish people. It is probably Llanelli-ese for "moron"

TraditionsEdit

RrrrrhugbiEdit

Rrrrrhugbi is the national sport of Llanelli. Is usually consists of big men jumping around a pitch and covering themselves in mud while more big men yell "awwwwwwww!" like it really matters. The onlookers are known to sob like children whenever the Skaaaaalits are playing. The Skaaaaalits are Llanelli's team. They frequently have names such as Evans, Davies, and Griffiths in the team. In llanelli, everyone you know knows someone whos in the Skaaaaalits.

Llanelli also has its own rrrrrhugbi stadium, Parc y Skaaaaalets. One of the more impressive buildings in Llanelli, however it's a poundshop version of the Liberty Stadium in Swansea, or the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff. In 2017, the owners wanted to change the name to Parc y Barclays, after The millennium stadium changed its name to the principality stadium (or the prinsy-pallotty as its pronounced by most, though in reality, no one apart from those who are paid to say it on the radio actually call it that, because it's actually a pseudonym. No joke). The name change to Parc y Barclays met with a lot of controversy due to being a ridiculous name, so the idea was dropped.

There are no alternative sports, so if you're into football, try the bigger cities, such as Swansea or Cardiff.

DrinkingEdit

The peoole of Llanelli LOVE their drink! However the only drink available is beer. The people like getting very drunk, especially after a rrrrrhugbi match. At one time there were two broorys in Llanelli. One closed down and moved to Cardiff, so despite being a listed building the CCC, led by a Nigel Farage lookalike, decided to knock down the broory buildings, despite being grade I listed buildings. More about that further down...

Talking to AnimalsEdit

In olden times, according to local myths, animals once spoke and understood english. Nowadays, Llanelli people still will have long conversations to their pet dogs and cats, and tell them not to do something, then wonder why nothing happens. Some dogs can understand words, of course, such as "sit" but cats on the other hand can't understand "Lily, use your own tray! or "Tom don't open the door!"

SightsEdit

Unlike the rest of Carmarthenshire, which has lots of interesting of things to do, llanelli prides itself that theres nothing to do, other than drink, play rrrrrhugbi, gossip, drink, watch rrrrrhugbi, walk in the (actually very nice 😉) park and drink some more.

Buildings and Heritage sightsEdit

Llanelli's one nice feature is it's buildings. The town's buildings include Llanelli House (or Llanelli 'owse as the locals refer to it as), a large house that was once badly modernised. There are also several nice churches, especially the parish church, which is sometimes called the Big Ben of Llanelli. There is also a town hall, library and an art deco cinema. However due to a mad Nigel Farage lookalike and his cronies, several buildings that were of interest have been demolished.

Here is a list of notable buildings demolished in Llanelli:

  • 1990s - several streets: the town council wanted to build an ASDA slap bang in the middle of the town, so ruthlessly made hundreds of people homeless and jobless by knocking down their homes and building a berluddy grirt precinct in the middle of the town.
  • 2003 - Bucklees broory: after bucklees broory upped sticks and moved to cardiff (not bloody surprised!), the CCC decided to knock down the grade I listed broory to build an "Awldees" and Dominos Pizza.
  • 2006 - Park Street: a row of shops that could have been renovated were demolished because NF and his cronies couldn't be arsed to do anything about it.
  • 2007 - Stepney Hotel: a large grade I listed victorian hotel next to a chapel was demolished to make way for a cinema that looks like selfridges in birmingham, simply because the council couldn't be arsed to do up the other one
  • 2009 - the Island House: a small grade I listed inn that stood in the middle of the road and was loved by locals. It was 1,000 years old, which is older than the whole of llanelli. The great stupid twat NF lookalike came in a bulldozer and manually bulldozed this building and replaced it with this awful looking glass building that looks like a lego brick. Nobody wanted to get a job in the replacement building due to the demolition of the much loved inn. The locals referred to it as the "I lun dowse"
  • 2015 - Park Church: a beautiful church with a very tall spire, voted no.3 in a best churches of Llanelli poll. In 2015, the church was suspiciously set on fire, burning the roof off. Onlookers included local LGBT activist NJE, Labrinth, and Michaela McQueen from Hollyoaks. The odious little man was also spotted rubbing his hands with glee at the end of the road. He is largely believed to have started the fire. The church was declared structually safe, but of course the odious little man came in with a wrecking ball (no i'm not quoting Miley Cyrus) and demolished the church in the dead of night.
  • 2018 - Llanelli music shop: a small and very interesting little building, hidden away up an alley due to the domination of the Asda building. In 2018, this building was demolished, despite protests from the Llanelli locals, and one man, Mr Wallace Squinteye died after being hit over the head with a shovel on a digger. This building could have been saved and renovated too.

The only building saved was the pumping station by the sea. In 2005, this building was going to be demolished and rebuilt in swansea, somehow inside a lower building. However, this never materialised. In 2013, it was converted into a restaurant, which closed in 2019 because it was too posh for the locals.

Also in 2018 a solicitors office, owned by the late great Peter Williams OBE was vandalised by a pair of Pakistani immigrants from Neath, having all its heritage ripped out for smug pride's sake.

GalleryEdit

Town CentreEdit

Llanelli Glass Sail

Llanelli Glass Sail, for the bands that Llanelli doesn't have!

Llanelli's town centre was voted 2nd worst town centre in Wales, probably due to the fact that all the shops closed and moved to a retail park on the outskirts of the town. The only shops left were charity shops and phone shops. Plus in 2013, a great glass sail was erected in the middle, for bands to perform under, despite the fact that there are no bands in Llanelli. Consequently, it's used as a glorified seat, where all the druggies hang out.

Future ProjectsEdit

The CCC have currently started a project called "Ruination of Llanelli". This involves knocking down more buildings, closing more shops, and generally messing up llanelli even more. The aforementioned music shop was demolished first, along with a nightclub just around the corner. The next stage is to demolish another nightclub that's been closed for the last 30 years, and build a so-called luxury apartment with a hideous design in it's place. This has caused controversy and been ridiculed, due to the fact that the view consists of a multi storey car park, grimy roofs of buildings, and a plot of land where Park Church was. Luckily, a shop front named after a famojs Village People song is set to be cleaned up and restored soon. Unluckily for NF, a grade II listed building on the corner on two streets couldn't get permission to be demolished (and replaced by Thomas Towers, a huge concrete office block).

National SymbolsEdit

Llanelli's main symbol is Dai the drunken dragon, a red welsh dragon in a rrrrrhugbi shirt, holding a rrrrrhugbi ball in one hand and a pint in the other. Some people would rather Johnny the Genderfluid Cat as their symbol due to Jade Carpenter's highly successful book, but this has been ridiculed.

Llanelli's national anthem is Sospan Fach, which is about Saucepans, People getting fake tan, and scrapbooks about butts. Another lost verse was about a welsh soldier who had toilet paper stuck in trousers and got shot.

Here are the lyrics: "Saucepan Fach And benny had a tan Saucepan Fach And benny had a tan And Kat had a scrapbook of Johnnys arse"

The Johnny mentioned in the song is not Johnny the Genderfluid cat.

The national anthem was once rumoured to be changed to "Turn up the music" by Chris Brown, though this was highly despised by the locals, because the men would be raving at rrrrrhugbi matches!

Attitudes to various peopleEdit

Llanelli's people don't like people who are anything other than like the locals. They believe in:

  • Male Chauvinism - they feel men are better than women, due to the fact that they got offended during the suffragettes during the early 20th century. They obviously don't listen to much Little Mix music...
  • Sexism - nowadays everything is gender neutral, such as clothing, toys, jobs, house work, education..... Just kidding, llanelli is renowned for strict gender roles. Guys have to be big and strong, and women always have to be wimps.
  • Racism - the people of llanelli refer to black people as the N word, though i'm not typing it. They are also terrified of asians.
  • Homophobia - ever since the legend of Damian and Dave, llanelli's first and last gay couple, who were shot dead with a bow and arrow in 1950, the people of llanelli hate gay people, and have been known to publicly drive them into swansea.
  • Transphobia - thats why there are no trans people in Llanelli. People don' have the guts.
  • Gender neutral or genderfluid people - see transphobia above.
  • English-phobia - English are spat at and had bricks thrown at for their unashamed presence in llanelli
  • Becoming celebrities - "thou shalt not become famous" unless a news reader or rrrrrhugbi player, becoming famous is a no-no in llanelli. Two sisters who wanted to be actresses found out the hard way in the 1980s, when one was banished to London, the other to America. NJE took this risk and moved to Bristol as a precaution.

EntertainmentEdit

Llanelli is very low on the entertainment factor, due to the fact that its people must never become famous. However, for some reason, the town has a broadcasting studio in the middle of town. It has a distinctive white tower which is called by the locals "the upside down rocking chair" or by some "the flaming nora" for unknown reasons. The building was called Tinopilis, however when the tinplate factory went bankrupt, the building was renamed "No-Tinopilis"

MusicEdit

There are no singers or groups from Llanelli, see above for reasons. However, male voice choirs are a staple. They must always sing in tenor. Think a choir of welsh George Ezras. Anything above this is illegal. In december 2016, a 16 year old boy was clipped round the earhole by his stepfather for singing in a soprano voice at a funeral. He was told "stop singing in that stupid voice, sing in your proper voice!"

However, Llanelli still has it's own radio station, Skaaaaalet FM, of course named after the rugby team, the Skaaaaalets. It usually plays a load of 80s and 90s music no one under the age of 20 has ever heard, and don't even announce what it is. Another programme, the late night program, consists of a gay unexperienced radio presenter, sitting in a garden shed talking to nutters on the phone about "roseadendrons" and playing novelty records from the 70s, such as Slade, Wizzard, The Wombles, Brotherhood of Man, stuff from Eurovision, and various cheesy outdated cringe worthy rubbish.

Llanelli Christmas CarnivalEdit

Every Christmas, Llanelli holds a special Christmas carnival for the public. The carnival was originally held in mid December, but in recent years has been getting earlier and earlier, until it's now held in mid November, a time when no one has even got their christmas trees up. It was quite an event back in the 80s and 90s, however by the late 2000s, the quality went down as more people couldn't be bothered to take part.

An onlooker commented about the 2007 Christmas Carnival:

"I was standing watching the carnival and a police car parked right next to us, lights flashing and all. Then these fat people wearing silly smurf hats came and stood in front of us, and after all that there was only about 10 things taking part, altogether it was over in 5 minutes!"

It usually consists of an X Factor reject singing a cover of an 80s song, followed by a parade. The parade has had over the years:

  • floats playing music, with people dressed up
  • marching bands. These were dropped in 2012 after an incident where they played a Justin Bieber song...
  • baton twirlers. Half the people just stand on one spot holding the stick.
  • Santas riding tractors, as they do
  • The tuesdays, a group from Cardiff (named because they formed on a tuesday) singing Christmas songs. They're favourite to sing is "oh my lord", accompanied by a cringe worthy dance where they put their hands behind their heads and bend their knees twice, whilst saying the title.
  • ambulances, police cars and fire engines
  • passing traffic. These usually take part because they're trying to get home.

This is followed by a firework display, which the CCC pay a million pounds for (the NF lookalike is NOT happy). They use the most expensive fireworks they can find. The best bit. In 2017, a gunman opened fire outside the town hall whilst they were going off...

CuisineEdit

Llanelli people LOOOVE eating! Which is probably the reason why they're all obese, including the children. They love takeaways best, and sit in from of the tv, watching the Skaaaaalets playing rrrrrhugbi dropping it all down their clothes. Anything curry related or has chili in is the national favourite.

The children (especially the boys) are frequently told by the parents "eat up now, or else you won't grow big and strong like daddy". By this they mean as big as a brick shithouse. Diets are also banned.

Llanelli has very strict guidelines about food preperation. If their guidelines arent followed, sideways glances are evident.

Here are Llanelli staples:

  • Toast must always be served soggy, with loads of butter.
  • The national food of llanelli is a marmite sandwich dipped in a cup of tea. This must be eaten at least once a week.
  • Gravy must be poured over chips all the time, until they're like pap.
  • Baked beans on toast consists of baked beans with toast hidden underneath.
  • a new staple, introduced in 2014, is chili and chips. This consists of a whole chilli, usually a jalapeno, served with chips (soggy of course) This is frequently served at greasy spoon cafes, and is usually served free as a joiner meal. People frequently decline (with good reason), however the waiters usually say "go on, go on, go on" a la Mrs Doyle from Father Ted until the victims, (clears throat) i mean customers give in. Two men, Simon Carpenter and Ricky Gloucester got recently banned from one of the cafe's Facebook page after posting vomit emojis on the offer.

People normally eat, breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner and supper.

In Llanelli these are the courses

  • Avvin' breakfast (around 7:00)
  • Avvin' dinner (around 13:00)
  • Avvin' phoooood (around 19:00)

Sometimes it is avvin proppa phoood

Education and employmentEdit

EducationEdit

Llanelli has several schools. However the children clearly don't learn much, as they're thick as shit, with the mentality of 5 year olds. And i'm not just talking about the 5year olds. They are full of fat kids with short hair (boys) or scarecrow cuts (girls) who smell strongly of wee. The school uniform is usually a red rugby shirt, or a checked dress. Anything else is illegal. One day a boy named Charli Wilcox arrived in school in a black skirt, he was banished to outer Mongolia as a punishment. Most of the schools are Welsh speaking, however the two english speaking schools have been known to punish their children in cruel and sadistic ways. One young boy, who went to one of the schools, was mentally scarred, due to treatment such as having a motor horn honked in his face, picked on by the teachers, dragged across the playground by the ankles by a fatty lump, threatened to pull the trousers down by two buck toothed fatties, and rammed into tables by the teachers. One day the child was very unwell, and the teacher wouldn't phone his mother, as a punishment. And all because he was of english descent, and had Aspergers. Not long after, a gunman broke into the school...

The college is full of spotty teens with glasses and black uniforms. They don't end up doing much, so it's a pretty pointless exercise. It also takes in adults. This ended when a 38yr old man lost his finger in a tragic accident, involving a guillotine. No, not the sort that chops peoples head off in olden times. The type that cuts metal.

EmploymentEdit

Most people end up jobless, sitting watching tv, eating takeaways and drinking pints. And dropping both all down themselves. However the people who do end up with jobs are usually mundane, such as rrrrrhugbi players. A survey in 2014, when asked children on several llanelli schools, 50% wanted to become rrrrrhugbi players, 30% wanted to become garage workers, or manual labourers in factories etc, 10% wanted to become pirates and princesses (guess the gender), 9% wanted to be on the dole, and 1% wanted to become singers, actors, or models.

Llanelli as a constituencyEdit

Llanelli is always represented by a Labour Party candidate. It is against the law for anything else to run.

The first MP for Llanelli was a man called Ivor Bigbottom. He was picked out of a room of two in 1910, and was Conservative. He was in his early 60s (which in those days was like mid 80s) and died three years later. Another man named Roy Rogers took over after him, the first Labour mp. In 1920 he stepped down because he became the bard of tile hill. He was replaced by Norman Victor Egglington. Everyone liked him, but he stepped down after one year. In 1921, a man named Dai chocolate-shop, an ex sweet shop owner took over, but resigned after he was caught singing in soprano. In 1932, a donkey took over. In 1950, a carrot became the MP. In 1970 an irishman named Jim took over, however he went oop north in 1974 to work in t'garages. In 1974 Denzil Spider took over. He ran for years, but in 2005 he was suspiciously found dead. A witch took over, who has been reining ever since. A man named Colin Fishwick tried to cheat at the 2010 election, but was caught out, and the witch had him hung.

Here is a list of mp's.

  • Ivor Bigbottom 1910-13
  • Roy Rogers 1913-20
  • Norman Victor Egglington 1920-21
  • Dai Chocolate-Shop 1921-32
  • A donkey 1932-50
  • A carrot 1950-70
  • Big Jim 1970-74
  • Denzil Spider 1974-2005
  • The witch 2005-present

CCCEdit

Nigel Farage Autumn 2008

lookalike of the man responsible for the destruction of Llanelli's buildings.

Llanelli's other main high ranking authority is the CCC. Their main place of action is in a converted castle in Carmarthen. The CCC was originally run by Alice Barry, but she stepped down in the 90s as she became an actress and had to leave, so an ex con man (and Nigel Farage lookalike) named Christopher Thomas took over. He was avaricious, and wanted the big bucks. He made big plans over 20 years, knocking down listed buildings, sometimes manually, and built unfitting modern buildings in their place. He is also rumoured to be responsible for the 2015 park church fire. In 2013, he found himself in a court battle when woman named Lowri Llewellyn sued him. He lost the battle, and also all his hard earned money. He got his revenge by knocking down Mrs Llewellyn's house... with her inside it. So he got the money back. Stupid tosser!

Famous people from LlanelliEdit

Despite the hopelessness surrounding becoming a famous llanelli person a few have still done it.

Here is a list of famous people from Llanelli:

  • Rosemary Carpenter - wartime singer and animal charity worker
  • Pam Ferris - actress, currently on Call the Midwife
  • Jessica Garlick - she was on eurovision. She didn't win
  • Terry Griffiths - Snooker player, won in 1979
  • Huw Edwards - BBC newsreader
  • NJE - author and LGBT rights activist
  • Jade Carpenter - author, known for writing "Johnny the genderfluid cat"
  • Donna McKenna - pop singer (resides in America)
  • Sherilyn Hamilton-Shaw - singer who made it to the six-chair challenge on the X Factor
  • Peter Williams OBE - solicitor
  • Christopher Thomas - head of CCC, ex-con, and Nigel Farage lookalike
  • Keith Allen - father of Lily Allen
  • Brian Blessed
  • Andrew Sachs
  • Gio Compario off the go compare adverts

The bottom lineEdit

Despite all the negativity in this place, and evident dullness, Llanelli is a great place to see the remaining nice buildings, and to visit the parents. It might be dull for those under 30, but i live here and i've tolerated it ok!