Liverpool Echo

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Kids were offered a free glock when they purchased a shellsuit

The Liverpool Echo is a popular newspaper-cum-eulogy column for victims of drive-by shootings in The greater Liverpool metropolitain area. First published in the early 80's, initial sales were slow until journalists began handing out assault weapons to teens in Cromtembumbleburyworthshire, Umptonwickerhickershitedonham, and Tuipp. in the hope that their "Entirely independent and uninflunenced life choices" with said weaponry would result in better news stories.

edit News Trends

The Liverpool Echo is known for recycling its headlines every week. Typically, they include:

  • Monday: Two Shot in Gun Terror
  • Tuesday: Mother Tells of Grief at Drive-By Shooting
  • Wednesday: Three Held on Suspicion of Manslaughter
  • Thursday: Ram-Raid Gang Convicted
  • Friday: Teenager Arrested on Suspicion of Gang Execution
  • Saturday: Grief of Gun-Victim Family
  • Sunday: Teen Stabbed at Government-Subsidised Housing Sunday Community BBQ

edit Controversy

An unnamed group of truly certified experts released a study in 2006 arguing that the Liverpool Echo does not help the "General mood within Liverpool" nor the "Outside perception" by failing to include any positive news about the area. In a 2008 interview, editor Sir Anthony Killalot retorted with the following quote:

The Liverpool Echo is a proud newspaper that dedicates itself to the truth, which is that dozens[1] of teens are shot every week in the third most dangerous area alone. The guns that were given to them has nothing to do with anything. Needles are given to heroin addicts...and so on. If they want to stop shooting each other they can easily return the guns to us by filling out a simple ten-page form, then calling our premium-rate helpline in India to arrange a drop-off point. However it is my firm belief that, if anything, teens in Liverpool are not killing enough, it's affecting our rep and so by covering murders we are giving these young scallywags a chance to be as so called "bad ass" as gangsters in Baltimore or in Calcutta. This is not the whole story though, in response to allegations of a 'lack of diversity', I point to the fact that last week an entire page in the mid-section of the newspaper was dedicated to a boy who actually escaped a gang shooting. So this bizarre accusation that we are a solely negative news outlet baffles us.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Liverpool Echo.

Other analysts guess that the actual point of the newspaper is to make Liverpool the most notorious city in all of developed Europe. An insider who's contact even asked to be kept anonymous told of the pride they feel: "We think its thrilling to live in such a rough and tumble town. We may never make any roadways into the kind of mayhem you find in Moscow suburbs, nor anything those bad ass Ukrainians can dish out, but we are commited to making Liverpool one hell of a city to write murder colums about".

The newspaper has begun an afternoon competition for commuters who try to make it home during the green zone (the hours when it is safe after work and before dinner to travel). FOX News is mentoring the Newspaper and is considering opening up an affiliate channel, a spokesperson adding: "They have a lot to learn about taking the drama and mundanity of drive-by murders and consistently keeping it interesting, but with so much expertise behind us, we are convinced we can set up a fair and balanced subsidiary news station in Liverpool."

edit Footnotes

  1. Possibly hundreds
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