Liver
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“ The liver is evil, we must punish it with holy liquids such as: tons of beer, vodka, gin, tequila, etc.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Liver
The liver is an organ that most people have, but doesn't fulfill any special needs of the body. In fact, the liver does nothing. His name comes from the fact that it lives on other organs' resources, taking valuable blood supply from the appendix, the nails, and the bunions.
The liver is an evil organ. When the liver fails, it usually says "I'm not dying without taking some bastards with me," causing the death of other, actually important organs in the process. Some lucky people can get a liver transplant, a process that allows to change their livers for a less pissed-off one. However, this process usually causes the death of the donor and it hurts. This has opened a serious debate about using live, non-consenting human donors for any kind of transplant.
Selfish bastards.
The liver itself was invented by Al Gore, who made it up with some help from God after watching a particularly bad episode of Dynasty.
A notable victim of a pissed off-liver (resulting in a desire to kill everything that moves) is the late Walt Disney who was forced to undergo a liver transplant when it was discovered he was writing a script for a second Bambi movie, ending with a gory collision - between Bambi and a semi-trailer - which lasted for just over 3/4 of a mile.
In summary, the liver is evil, punish it with alcohol!
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[edit] Purpose
The liver is in the body to be destroyed by vast quantities of alcohol and tylenol or parrots eat em all.
[edit] Liver Parasites
If you go the bathroom without washing your hands, or if you wash your hands without going to the bathroom, your liver will get parasites. Remedies for common liver parasites are:
- Tapeworm: take a roll of tape and cut it with scissors. These little bastards will be afraid and will come out all rolled up.
- Republicans: shoot yourself.
- Liver Flukes: teach them a sense of shame.
- Exchange Students: drink molten lava.
- Bacteria: reason with them.
- Hamsters: remove liver with penknife, wash thoroughly, replace.
[edit] Things to Help your Liver
Fried cheese is good for your liver. Due to the amount of oil in fried cheese, it neutralizes the alcohol in it. For more info see cheese. (Note: fried cheese is not actually good for your liver, but it is fun to say it is, especially to people you hate.) A scientific study has also shown that living in Canada for three years without shoes on, the liver fungus may grow which gives you candy.
Regardless of how bored you get, you should not cut out your liver with a nail clipper and eat it. An exception may be made if you are attending a lecture class at Harvard or are Japanese.
Not Jews, they wants to sell your liver on the Black Market.
[edit] Liver The Food
Liver may be eaten by old people or crazy people. When cooked, it smells like diarrhea, one of the few things old people can taste. Insane people like to eat it because they're unable to tell the difference between the smell of diarrhea and something that people actually like to eat. After eating diarrhea the insane person may start screaming AAAAAAAAA! when they realize that they have in fact eaten diarrhea.
