Live 8

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“Where was Liberace?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Live 8
“I really liked it.”
~ Bob Geldof on Live 8
“A huge sucess.”
~ Bono on Live 8
“Live what?”
~ George Bush on Live 8
“I was dead for this event.”
~ Lord Byron on Live 8
“Why weren't we invited?”
~ The Spice Girls on Live 8
“I am so glad that Pink Floyd's popularity was revived. It helps me forget about the pain in my belly. Why didn't you collect any money Mr. Geldof? That was pretty fucking dumb.”
~ Starving African Child on Live 8

Live 8, aka We Are the World Part 2, was a collaborative non-profit, non-charity effort to make avid MTV and VH1 viewers become aware of the existence of middle aged popstars, as well as starvation and hunger throughout the third world (or something like that). Rather than using the traditional "pick up the phone and call" approach, it used the "buy our tickets you self centered punks" approach to garner widespread support and ticket sales. This is considered particularly unusual as tickets were entirely free.

edit Goals

The ultimate goal of Live 8 was to convince George W. Bush to discuss feeding the starving kids in Somalia/Bosnia/China/Iraq/Uzbekistan/Detroit, instead of spending money on bombing their leaders (which is the same as asking a fish to keep its skin from getting moist). Furthermore, it served to remind U2 that they are all well passed retirement age, and if they aren't careful, Matron will withhold their pudding at the Sunshine and Kisses Retirement Home for Wearers of Stupid Glasses (commonly known as the KRHWSG).

edit Chris Martin Again?

Leading zombie and charity campaigner Chris Martin led the attempt to encourage viewers to subscribe to the Live 8 mailing list. Subscription allowed you to download up to three ringtones a week for the price of 18.99 pounds (around 93.45 canadian dollars). To unsubscribe viewers simply had to write "STOP PLEASE! I'VE RUN OUT OF MONEY TO SEND YOU CHRIS" on a postcard he would probably never read, thus plunging the writer in to poverty, where they would be saved with the money they donated to help kids in Africa. Tough break for them, eh?

edit Featured Bands

Here is a brief list of some of the bands that played the show:

  • Coldplay (featuring the aforementioned Chris Martin zombie)
  • Children of Bodom, promoting their latest release (an album with a grim-reaper or something on the cover).
  • Tom Jones, with a faithful cover of Metallica's "Enter Sandman."
  • Bob Dylan, "singing" (although many people feel "painfully moaning" is a much better descripition of his "talents") his smash hit "errrnn eeaaaahh brehhh."
  • Radioslave (also known as Audiohead), a super-group containing members of (you guessed it) Audioslave and Radiohead, performing the song "We Are Not Sellouts."
  • Benny Goodman, back from the grave, to feast on the flesh of the living. Oh... and play music too. Yeah, sure. Play music.
  • A bunch of shitty african bands.
“Who the Hell are these guys?”
~ Bob Geldof on shitty african bands
  • MC Hammer, performing "You Can't Touch This" (a.k.a. the song with the same beginning as "Superfreak").
  • The self-proclaimed biggest band in the world, U2. But you probably already knew that, Mr. Smartypants.
  • Bob Marley and John Lennon. Really. I'm not lying. Why don't you believe me?
  • Some small local band named Pink Floyd, looking to make their big break.
  • Unfortunately, George Michael missed his performance. It is rumoured that when Paul McCartney got up on stage, he had the sudden, uncontrollable urge to vomit (I mean, have you seem Paul? Damn). He did not re-appear until some time later with Michael Jackson. Don't ask.
  • Panic!At This Band
  • Nicklecrap
  • Red Hot Shitty Peppers
  • James Cunt

PS: Batman

edit Profit-making tie-ins

  • A live 8 board game, for two to three players (as Bono, Bob Geldof, and Chris Martin), who run around the world trying to convince bands to sign up for the event. The game is won (or lost) when a player chooses Pink Floyd or The Spice Girls to close the show (and just guess which one causes you to lose...).
  • The Live 8 DVD is now available, including special features such as replacing Madonna's head with Britney's, allowing teenage viewers to feel less repulsed by their inevitable sexual arousal. The DVD also features the alternate ending where the G8 leaders actually give a shit. Just kidding. That'll never happen.
  • Live 8 achieved its primary aim of boosting album sales in developing countries. Within two weeks, Razorlight's debut 'Up All Night' had shot of four places from the bottom of the Nigerian chart to the very top. U2's 'How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb' topped record charts in Uganda and Rwanda and Bob Geldolf's 'Greatest Hits' compilation was certified gold in 14 African countries. Geldolf was pleased saying 'I'm glad that my song 'I Don't Like Mondays' will be helping the Africans forget that they are really, really, really hungry'.
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