Little Caesars
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“Hot N Ready”
~ Little Caesars tagline
“That’s what she said…”
~ Michael Scott on Above Quote
Little Caesars is a pizza chain that serves the food of the gods across the country. Additionally, the kingdom sells moderately sized pizzas at $5, which doesn’t necessarily have to be bills. It can be $5 worth of pennies, coins, rupees, pounds, yen, zenny, Pokémon cards, beanie babies, blood, sperm, toe jam, earl, fingernail clippings, spit, pubic hair, and babies.
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[edit] History
Founded in 12,000 BC by the son of the original Julius Caesar who was a merciless tyrant that ruled the floating land of Zeal with a femme-nazi cane. The Caesar you learn about in sophomore literature is actually Julius Caesar the MLXXVIIIXXCIRCLECIRCLETRIANGLEL2R1STARTSELECT, hence the confusion. Despite (original) Caesar’s monarch rule, he was banished to the earth to work in a sweatshop with Asians. The ingredients at the time were far and few and often consisted of snow, rocks, fangs, and urine for the grease. Circles weren’t invented at the time so that explains the trapezoid-shaped pizza that we all know and love today.
The company gained some ground when Jesus H. Christ tasted the chocolaty goodness. Upon eating his meal he looked up in the sky and shouted “PIZZA! PIZZA!” and was crushed by an extra large pizza that had randomly fallen from the sky. This large pizza ended world hunger. Five years later Jesus rose from his pizza crater grave along with Super Mario who ended up summoning the pastry to fall from the sky. The two fought for a minute until Mario threw a fireball at Jesus and causing him to scream “OhmygodI’monfire!” and die… again. Feeling guilty about his pwnage, Mario grabbed his black star dragonballs and wished for Jesus to be a baby. Mario met with Little Caesar IV (who was actually the son of Caesar’s granddaughter whom he had incest with to continue the family line) and together they named the world Rome (until it was carved up by Optimus Prime and Gengar) and everyone ate pizza despite how nasty and dry it got within an hour.
In 1932, pizza caught a break thanks to an unemployed Bakelite engineer, Mikhail Ilyitch Ilytchovitch "Itch" Ilitch, who had lost his job at Fnord Motor Company when the little Red Wings he made for the hood ornaments were discontinued in favor of blue ones. One night a red plastic mixture "Itch" had left on the kitchen range hardened and turned to a flexible, water-resistant pizza that could also be used for hockey pucks. One of these hit visiting celebrity Edward G. Robinson in the mouth during a game. "Nnyaaa! Tastes like pizza, seee?" he drawled out of the one still-usable side of his mouth. And the rest, along with everything else in this section, is History.
[edit] Today
Now Little Caesars makes their pizza out cheese and sauce and dreams and love and hope… oh my gosh it’s DELICIOUS! The chain doesn’t believe in delivery so customers have get off their asses to get some of this soul-sucking goodness. Workers often stand outside the restaurant holding a sign looking like tools so they can earn enough money to buy an iPod so the job doesn’t suck quite as bad; ironically they quit the job as soon as they get enough money.
After Edward G. Robinson was hired away by ABC's The View program, Little Caesars hired an illegal midget alien as their mascot who apparently has a studder/speech impediment/is retarded/was mauled by a raccoon/raped by an octopus/lost one of his lips in a port-o-potty. This can be distinguished by the catchphrase “BELIEVE IT!” or in other words, “Pizza! Pizza!”
[edit] Products
While pizza is their main product, you have to pay an extra fee if you want a pizza that is not Pepperoni or Cheese. So if you wanted Hawaiian, Sausage, Vegetable, Chili, Chocolate, Strawberry, Fire, Ketchup, Pillowcase, or Buttsecks flavors of pizza you’ll have to pay an additional $1 for it.
Crazy Bread is the temple’s version of breadsticks, but CRAZIER! These breadsticks can fight crime, fly, run super fast, are bulletproof, can double jump, rave, and has had more sex than you or all of your friends combined. The only thing that can contain this crazy cookie is CRAZY SAUCE!! Which is marijuana sauce but on acid.
Little Caesars serves Pepsi products which won’t be mentioned because Pepsi is communist.
[edit] Facts
- Little Caesars pizza gives you superpowers.
- Little Caesars pizza contains LSD.
