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“I said many things about this subject. Especially if this subject is a pop culture reference from over 100 years after my death.”
“Wouldn't it be funny to list them all?”
“I especially love being quoted by people who have never heard of me!”
Listcruft is one of many ways to stain and destroy an otherwise perfectly good article. Before delving directly into listcruft, however, listcruft articles have several important features which you absolutely must know about. Some people, the simple and the "special" mostly, actually enjoy listcruft in articles. Listcruft follows rules, described below as commandments. There are several different types of listcruft. Listcruft frequently is interchanged and indistinguishable from trivia. Finally, not all lists are considered Cruft, although most are done so poorly they give lists a bad name. So, let the listcruft begin!
Important features of a listcruft article
- Be sure to mention when your subject was invented. In this case, listcruft was invented in 92 trillion B.C. by Steve Ballmer.
- A good listcruft article will feature a poorly-designed picture with no relation to its subject.
- Acknowledge the evil nature of your subject. Here, listcruft tricked Satan into huffing some kittens. Isn't that evil?
- Make at least one reference to the penis, pedophilia, and/or homosexuality. Listcruft, it might interest you to know, was forged from a homosexual pedophile's penis.
- This is also a good time to insert a reference to Cajek; bonus points if you imply that Cajek is gay. This is easy to do in the listcruft article, because listcruft and Cajek live together in a studio apartment in San Francisco.
- Talk about how your subject would function in Soviet Russia. For example, while in the United States of America, listcruft is the process by which people write lists, in Soviet Russia, listcruft is the process by which lists write people. Ain't that zany?
- Don't forget to describe the outcome of a battle between the article's subject and Chuck Norris!! Did listcruft roundhouse-kick Chuck Norris, or did Chuck Norris roundhouse-kick listcruft? You decide: both outcomes are hilarious.
People who enjoy listcruft articles
- Tina Fey
- Mr. T
- Chuck Norris
- Steve Ballmer
- MY SON JON IS A COOL GUY
- Kitten huffing
- Your Mom
- gratuitous red link
- I HATE THAT GAY GUY JAMES!!!
The Ten Commandments of listcruft
The only requirement of a Ten Commandments list in a listcruft article is that there be more than ten.
- Thou shalt write listcruft.
- Thou shalt have no listcruft before me.
- Honor thy list and thy cruft.
- Thou shalt transpose the "e" and the "h" in "the".
- Thou shalt insert gibberish & incoherence into thy listcruft.
- Thou shalt believe that our education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa.
- THOU SHALT HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.
- Gondola of Death
- Thou shalt consider not what Oscar Wilde might actually say when misquoting him.
- Thou shalt also quote Captain Obvious and Yoda.
- Thou shalt log in anonymously and add something stupid to this list.
- Thou shalt never remove cruft from any list.
- Thou shalt drop the name of every famous person into thy lists.
- Thou shalt fuck you!!!mothrfucka!!@!
- Thou shalt mention old memes and in-jokes from 2005.
- Thou shalt Fucking Kill.
- Thou shalt mention Mr T's pitying of fools as though such an action would accomplish something.
- Thou shalt write one-sentence articles about the video game currently in your Playstation.
- Thou shalt mention you and Your Mom into all thy list.
- thou shalt compose a list of
sexrape partners of the subject, even subjects that are inanimate or immaterial objects. Thou shalt include pop cultural references, fictional characters, and men who have been dead over a century, and Your Mom into such lists.
- Thou shalt Kill Fucking.
Types of listcruft
- Fancruft (salted only)
- Animecruft (use only the red kind - throw away if too green)
- Bandcruft (preferably thawed)
- 2005cruft (if it was written more than 3 years ago its probably freezerburned)
- Bookcruft (this should be let to sit for several days)
- Moviecruft (stir in with onions)
- Schoolcruft (finely sliced)
- Spamcruft (the tinned kind is better)
- Trivia sections (sometimes called "Fun Facts") are great for including one liners that would take marginal amounts of work to place in the text, or in a proper list.
- Reading an article before adding to a list is a waste of time. List consistency is unimportant.
- Oscar Wilde died in 1900, and converted to Roman Catholicism shortly before his death.
- Your Mom
Lists that are not cruft
- List of one letter words starting with A
- List of good articles with a slim chance of getting featured...though occasionally a random new user will come along and attempt to feature their one-liner...
- List of bad articles about to get huffed...although it did get baleeted by Lyritha that one time....