List of weapons that exist, but shouldn't

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“In humanity, only so much can be tolerated, even in terms of weaponry.”
~ Oscar Wilde on weaponry

Axl Rose's voice

Axl Rose is especially known to use the the ancient ninja-technique known as the skunk-cry: "SHA NA NA NA NA NA NA KNEES KNEES!" [


During Operation Desert Strom Axl Rose was kidnapped, tied up, shoved into a tank outfitted with a loudspeaker and he was forced to screech in order to drive out the infidels into the open. This is also the reason why Chinese Democracy, the concept or the album, has never seen the light of day.

In either case, Axl Rose's voice has many other uses, including but not limited to:

  • driving insects and small vermin out of your basement
  • hangover pranks
  • use by CIA operatives who carry a small bottle of it around in order to break glass and/or escape dangerous situations

Barbra Streisand

Do I need to say anything else about this?

Blue Screen of Death, The


Far too traumatizing to be actually viewed, this replica accurately depicts the horrors of Microsoftery...

The Blue screen of death is a horrible plot concocted by a nefarious group of college students in the mid 1970's in order to piss off more dependent and less intellectual students using their equipment. The Blue Screen of Death has been attributed, but not limited to, causing the following disasters:

  • Y2k
  • New Madrid fault collapse
  • Hurricane Katrina
  • The Stock Market Crash of 1929
  • Global warming
  • Jar Jar Binks

DDR Machines


All DDR Machines should be fitted with explosives that detonate once a wrong move is made...

These damn things popped up everywhere quicker than a fake Oscar Wilde quote is created. Not only are they annoying but, well, that's just it.

Comprising of a screen, a mat/dance pad, really bad 80's music (think Flock of Seagulls, but on crack and beating the guitar with a dead cat while a japanese girl screeches into your brain!) this sadistic game not only helps to summon the devil, but also deprives teenagers of sleep when their parents are playing it at 2-fucking-am while he's trying to ignore it while jacking off in the basement...


The Euroipods article is so bad, one has to:

  • a) pay
  • b) claw their eyeballs out to avoid the pain incurred by editing it.

Goatse Man

File:Goatse man ASCII.jpg

Goatse man has two powerful lasers that he carries around. when he finds a victim, he distracts them by giving them a link to his webpage. While the hapless victim is busy reading the hilariously cunning humor section of the site, Goatse Man sneaks around and burns their eyes out. Truly Goatse Man is a powerful force for evil. It remains to be seen if, in the right hands, he could be a force for good.

Incredibly Hot Anime Girls


Yes, even web browsers.

In the year 1337 BC, the United Spades of Amerika begain reaserch on a way to get their enemies out of the way humanely. This, of course, failed misrably. While it is true that the IHAGs (iHag?) don't kill their enemies...

Upon seeing the IHAG, probably on the internet or something, your enemy will become infatuated with Anime girls. Since anime girls are cartoons and therefore don't exist, the enemy will like, totally become a pathetic nerd and/or fanboy. Specially engineered IHAGs could also turn the victim into a furry. Oh, the humanity!

Jon Voight


The Crocodile Hunter: "Just look at those teeth, made for tearing the flesh off of human bones! Lets go in closer for a better look mates!"

Jon Voight, son of the inventor of Voight basketballs (unrelated to Voit basketballs) was tragically mutated in the year 1953 AD causing him to invade Hollywood and put out a horrible movie every 2 years, and also led him to work with fellow spawn of Satan, Shia Labeouf in Holes, causing a mass mindwashing of America's youth to think that Louis Sachar's works are readable (especially Wayside School is Falling Down...)

On the other hand he was the sperm donor for Angelina Jolie, one of the few women that make everyone else around them ugly... So, in reality it's a lose/win situation...

Margaret Perrin


Screaming about "Gaggles" and "dorksided" things, this is quite possibly the most nasty weapon ever known to man.

This weapon is way more powerful and nasty than Simon Cowell himself. U.S. army officials estimate that it will end The War On Terror (TWAT) and all current wars on the planet with her yelling, appearance and personality. It was put on the Fox show Trading Spouses to test the effects and side effects on it's viewers, but the results were deadly:

100% of Fox viewers were found dead (although this has not been offered as evidence since the same thing happens when an episode of Arrested Development is watched)

It was effective, but maybe TOO effective to any human to handle. The U.S. Congress forced the army to shutdown the current project and put her on storage in the bottomless pit to prevent Margaret Perrin (nicknamed Godzilla) from escaping.

My wife's cooking

Talk about "cruel and unusual punishment". Emeril, she ain't.

Simon Cowell

A product of genetic engineering by the british, this human weapon was first conceived in order to attack the enemies emotionally. It will insult anyone with bad talent causing it's morale to go way down and leave them vulnerable for attack and manipulation.

It was transfered to the United States of America for further testing on it's people and was put on the show American Idol as a judge. After years of testing, the results were shown:

  • 80% was dissapointed
  • 10% was angry
  • 5% was crying
  • 4% made it to the show, but were not the top 12
  • 1% were winners of the show

If Simon Cowell gets another job outside of American Idol, you better watch out because you're next on the list.

Soviet dogs with fire on their back

Trained by the commies with the intention of setting alight clinicly morbidly obese people, these were a complete failure, as they were trained with russian fatties, which was exactly what the dogs did when they were on the field, run under the Russian fattos.

With all due respect, these have been taken off your selves by the kind Jockeys from the sky.

This Guy

ShotGun Ed

This scary man made me shit my pants earlier...

This Guy is extremely scary and if I ever crossed him in the middle of nowhere... or possibly the woods... I wouldn't ask him for directions... I would merely piss myself and run (and I'm willing to wager 1.5 million canadian dollars(Which converts roughly into 3USDs) that you would do the same...)

This Guy was a secret prototype project masterminded by the great scientist God. He is the ultimate killing machine, running solely on the spirits of kittens and Spam with cherry sauce drizzled over the top and pineapple slices... yum.

His body was created in a facility somewhere north of San Diego but his enormous muscles were the product of a Pamela Anderson fixation (some say it was actually Tommy Lee, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt...) that ran amok...

May God have mercy on our souls if he ever gets loose...

TOGO Coasters

They hurt. A lot. The Japanese suck at everything except anime porn.


These horrible virtual weapons, extend their grip into the physical realm. By silently capturing intelligent, creative people in their internet clutches, these user updatable data constructs force their enslaved symbiotes to weave additional layers of intrigue and editability to contain the next round of hapless eggheads.

A wiki is created by enslaving a system administrator, who is foolish enough to be subverted by a non-existant software process. The system admin purchases a digital bed for the wiki to be created, and then proceeds to meld together the magical elements of clock-gated life. At that point, the wiki is still just a fledling vanity web page, albiet a sophisticated site with much dynamic potential. It isn't until the alpha-dupe spends real world time and energy contacting other human beings to participate in it's mind-trap, that the wiki emerges from it's cocoon.

The wiki attracts its prey by siezing and presenting the humorous, factual, or bigoted catalogues of the previous acquisitions. By capturing more and more victims, the wiki actually increases it's abilitiy to capture more drones.

Wikis are usually formed along intellectual boundaries, such as the desire to catalog knowledge, or the desire to make yourself laugh, or the desire to believe that your group is superior to other groups. Captured humans from opposing wikis, often participate in trying to destroy the opposing wiki's credibility. Ironically, in this process, the wiki's share mind-slaves, and both become even more powerful.

Although the more insidious wikis have been created with the soul purpose of enslaving and manipulating pale skinned insocialites, a vast majorities of wikis prey upon their creators.


Weather of Mass Drowning. Hurricanes, typhoons, tropical storms, Ted Kennedy, tsunamis, tidal waves, waterspouts, flash floods, quicksand, and elephant drool. Ban them, we've had enough!

See also

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