List of weapons that don't exist, but should

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Throughout history, weapons have been made in many forms. They all have their differences, but there's one thing nearly all of them have in common: they're really, really, really boring. The sword? You poke someone and they get hurt. The gun? You point at someone and they get hurt. The bomb? You throw something at someone and they get hurt. Every weapon ever made can be simplified into one of these three categories. That's it. No more weapons in the universe. You'd think the evil geniuses behind these things would have a little more creativity and fun doing their job.

This list attempts to describe various weapons that don't exist, but should. To meet the criteria for inclusion on this list, a weapon must theoretically be able to kick a minimum of twelve varieties of ass. Any weapons that kick fewer varieties are unworthy of inclusion.

This is an incomplete list. It may never be fully completed, or depending on its nature, it may be that we have better things to do. However, new and revised entries in the list are always welcome.

Acid balloon

Acid balloon

Beware of acid vapors though.

This concept is simple, as it is based on the water balloon. One simply fills a balloon with acid ("AAAAAAHHH MY FACE!!!!!!!" acid, not "Let's listen to Pink Floyd." acid) and throws it at the target. The recepient, expecting a cool, refreshing blast of water, instead finds his skin melting off. This weapon, though unsuitable for murder, is undeniably hilarious to watch.

Acid balloon


Wear the acid of being thought vapors!

This concept is simple, as it is based on the acid balloon. One simply fills a balloon with acid (Not "AAAAAAHHH MY FACE!!!!!!!" acid, but "Let's listen to Pink Floyd." acid) and throws it at the target. The recepient, expecting a cool, refreshing blast of water, instead thinks his skin is melting off. This weapon, though unsuitable for murder, is undeniably hilarious to watch.

Armed monkey

Armed monkeys

Is that the face of someone you'd like to cross?

Greenpeace has often claimed that humans are the only animals that go to war. This is one of the most devastating attacks against war, one for which no known rebuttal exists. The solution is simple, though: put another animal in the army! All it takes is one monkey with a semi automatic, and those hippie bastards have to shut the hell up.

It is often mistakenly believed that the US Army has already employed a monkey. This is not true. George W. Bush was never actually in the army; he merely had papers saying that he did.

See also: gorilla warfare.

Belt fed Double Barreled Heavy DooDoo Machinegun

No need to explain this one. Who wouldn't run away from a 1600+ RPM of flying DooDoo! The next generation will be the DooDoo firing 9 Barreled chain gun at 6000= RPM!!!

Bomb filled with knives

Bomb knifes

Sir Francis Bacon first had the idea of filling a bomb with knifes after observing coyotes doing so in the wild.

Bombs are fairly useful when you need something to explode, but it doesn't cut the mustard when it comes to death. Everyone knows to run when they see a bomb, because its range is very limited. This problem can be alleviated by placing large numbers of knives inside the bomb's core, but outside of the compartment that contains the explosive. That way, when the bomb explodes, everyone who ran just outside the bomb's blast radius finds a knife flying at their face.

Bracer Graters


Would you like some freshly grated pain with that?

Your traditional bracers are comprised of a single strap of leather, or if you're really lucky - a bit of tin. Well, why not increase the offensive power of your wrists with the sizzling sting of the cheese grater? Simply select the size and shape of your grating holes according to the skin type of your opponent (be he Chinese, Nepalese, Turkish or crocodile) and jump right in. Impenetratable to all other weapons (except knitting needles and BBs).

Cement hat

Cement Hat

"I think he's ready to talk."

The mafia's signature method of killing commoners is cement shoes. But when you think about it, cement shoes are stupid. The victim of a cement shoeing can still scream for help before he is thrown in the water. Not so with a cement hat. Some have argued that cement hats don't exist because the mafia is afraid that people can still run with one on. Not true! A person with a cement hat is upside down. You can't run when you're upside down, stupid.

Chocolate-covered black hole

When you have to make a strategic retreat, often the only nasty thing you can do is kill the peasants, burn the crops, and poison the well. This sort of area-denial warfare has been going on for billions of years, back when Dick Clark invented it. But, with the chocolate-covered black hole we could kick it up a notch.

Imagine having just kicked the shit out of the enemy, and finding they've dumped New Coke down your well. Well, you cheer up quite a bit when you find they've left a cache of chocolates! You instantly pop one in your mouth, and just as instantly you are compressed to a singularity. Your mates come in and find the chocolates, but not you. They in turn scarf them down. And so on and so on.

Problems such as Hawking's evaporation and construction of chocolate stronger than neutronium can be solved in Phase II.

Crocodile with Crocodiles for Limbs


GRRR! (grrr, grrr, grrr, grrr.)

The concept is simple, crocodiles take up large amounts of space. Instead of wasting space (and food) on five crocodiles to thwart potential trespassers, or run wild in enemy trenches, why not use a giant crocodile that instead of having arms and legs, has crocodiles. It's 5 times the croc in one easy-to-feed package.

Continuing this process to its logical conclusion yields the Fractal Crocodile] the only known way of obtaining an infinite number of crocodiles given only a finite weapons budget.

Cheaper version for the home-brew anarchist: Fractal aligator.

DDR-camouflage land mine


Forget game over, hit the wrong button and it's life over.

During the Revolution of Dance Dance, there were a number of gruesome deaths and even more gruesome injuries. However, there was one place that remained a safe haven during the revolution: the arcade. Many of the rebels safely hid in arcades, thinking that none of the evil militia would look for their enemies in a Chuck E. Cheese's. They were wrong; the British king ensured that all locations were thoroughly searched and the enemies were found. However, due to Chuck E. Cheese's "no shooting or stabbing customers" policy, the hiding rebels got off on a technicality.

Well, none of that would have happened, had there been DDR-camouflage land mines. The king's soldiers could simply place a few mines in key places, and KABOOM! Dead rebels. Or dead children celebrating their birthday, but hey, it's their fault for stepping on the mine.

Dehydrated boulders

Want to crush that annoying enemy but aren't strong enough to carry boulders around? Carry a can of Dehydrated Boulders! Just add water!

Double-sided folding chair


This never happened. Wrestling is real.

This is the weapon Darth Maul would use if he was a professional wrestler. Oh sure, you just laid the smackdown on your opponent, but you know his grappler buddies are right behind you, fixing to hit their finishers on you while the ref ain't looking. What do you do? You get a double-sided folding chair (which can be made by taping two folding chairs together) and hit both guys so hard that they forget it's fake.

Ear Drummer


"Is it just me or is rap music getting lazier?" "That's a police scanner."

An electronic gizmo that is pointed at the occupants of any car with one of those sound systems that has lots of bass that shakes the ground and can be heard a quarter of a mile away. When activated, the weapon instantly pulverizes the eardrums of all of the vehicle's occupants. Which they are doing themselves but not quickly enough. The down side is that once they're deaf sometimes they just turn it up louder.

Exploding Hot Water Heater Of Death

Burst an old hot water heater causing it to shoot steam, metal shards and flames everywhere. Death occurs when the victim sees the mess it makes, passes out, and dies.

Feather of Death


Quite simply, it's a feather. Nobody ever expects a feather to kill them, unless they are a Goomba and Mario is in the vicinity.

There is some debate as to whether or not the feather of death actually exists, as there are various references to it in Renaissance era literature, and it even appears in a notable painting by Albrecht Dürer. Most statisticians agree, however, that things in paintings are only 12% more likely to exist than things that aren't in paintings, and things in Renaissance era literature are actually 26% less likely to exist, thus the Feather retains its place on this list.

The theoretical functionality of the Feather of Death is also hotly debated, some claiming that the suffix "of Death" alone would be sufficient to make the feather deadly, while others argue that the feather gets its potency from harmful substances such as mercury which would be renewed each time before the application of the feather to the victim.

Theories about how the Feathers of death were actually used are clearly bunk. One stipulates that it was typically dropped in mid air with hope that the wind will carry it towards the enemy. Others strongly disagree with this and maintain that it was used to stuff pillows of death. Use of normal feathers were numerous in torture, and the feather of death may have been used to strike the final blow to the prisoner by tickling his bladder.

Gator Bracers

Similar to the Bracer Grater in design, these bracers instead have mind-controlled alligators in lieu of cheese graters. Imagine, a ninja blocks your mighty punch, only to find a vicious, foot-long alligator attached to his blocking arm/leg, wrestling off the delicious flesh attached to it. Compatible with the Bracer Grater; the blood drawn from your enemies will cause the alligators to become frenzied and leap from the bracers, acting as both a weapon and tracking device.

Giant scissors


Rebels destroyed the last pair. No really. . . . What?

Though perhaps difficult to maneuver, a giant pair of scissors would make even the failingest of failures unstoppable by conventional methods. Anyone who walks up to you and tries to stop you walks right into the path that the blades of the scissors will take. If you can use a giant scissors to cut someone cleanly in half, bones included, then nobody will dare to mess with you. Just remember what your mum said about running with giant scissors, i.e, don't.

The Giant scissors can be beaten only by the Giant rock.

Gun Cotton Gloves

Gloves made of gun cotton are excellent for hand-to-hand combat. One slap of your opponent's face with these and their head falls off.

Gun that shoots swords

A bullet can travel longer distances because of its aerodynamic design. But really, how many times have you needed to shoot someone from that far away? Besides, the ammunition you use is equal to the size of your penis. If you're a real man, you'll ditch that trash and instead use swords as ammo. While a dead man with several dozen bullet holes can strike fear in most people, a dead man with several dozen swords will cause nothing short of pure terror and panic. Besides, think of how much work you'll save the poor autopsy performer.

Incendiary Pants

These pants, when in contact with natural reproductive fluids, burst into flame causing extreme pain and scarring, Though unlikely to cause immediate death they do prevent continuation of the species.

Lance with a brick on the end

Lance brick

The brick guarantees you will win each time. Until the other guy gets one.

The lance was designed to kill by poking, but this rarely happened even at the peak of lance usage. Lances don't penetrate armor very well, so what's the point of jousting with one? Instead, put a brick on the end, and have your horse charge. (Note: if you do not have a horse, then this weapon is stupid and so are you for using it.) The impact will devastate.

Upgrading a lance may, however, result in the opponent noticing it and doing the same at the next joust. That's why it is crucial to kill him, or to upgrade one step further than the rival. Here is the list of lance upgrades in efficiency order

  1. bare lance
  2. lance with brick on the end (Adds reach, crushes enemy knight)
  3. lance with two bricks on the end (Crushes brick, enemy knight)
  4. lance with bluefin tuna on the end (Oil separates bricks, causes enemy knight to fall off due to excess lubrication)
  5. lance with cat tied on the end (Cat pounces on tuna, helmet of enemy knight)
  6. lance with bulldog tied on the end (Bulldog eats cat, enemy knight)
  7. bare lance (Point-ed end easily kills the bulldog, stench induces enemy vomiting)

Lava cannon


The lava cannon, which doesn't exist, was used in World War II, which also doesn't exist.

What possible method of defense could even begin to protect a person from lava fired at them from a cannon? Plate mail? Bullet-proof vest? Another human? Please. All that shit will melt when you attack someone with a lava cannon, and so will they. Throw your cannonballs and clowns in the garbage, because lava is the only thing that should be fired from cannons.

Research in the field of physics has shown that a lava cannon is possible. The prototype for the lava cannon, called the "red dyed vinegar and baking soda cannon", was produced by a team of college students. Although the red dyed vinegar and baking soda cannon was found to be incapable of causing damage, it was found to be very capable of making the dean crap his pants.

Magnetic dagger

Quite simply, anyone who has any metal on them is fucked. This, however becomes a moot point if your opponent is made of harder metal. It is also ineffective, and dangerous to use against magnetic foes, but who builds magnetic golems nowadays?

Orbital Flamethrower


Artist's concept.

The ultimate cool weapon. For times when there's no other way to be sure. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that if I could only make one purchase for the rest of my life it would be an orbital flame-thrower. Figuring out how to make fire work in space will be studied in phase II. The byproduct of setting fire to the atmosphere may also be an issue.

Poisoned tits


Every man enjoys sucking tits. How can someone looking to kill men capitalize on this fact? One way would be to inject poison into a woman's breast milk. The guy sucks on the tit expecting sexual gratification, blissfully (very blissfully, I might add) unaware that it is his last.

There has been only one record of this: [1]

Portable Vagina


(Army Testing Grounds, Virginia - AP Wire Service) Undeniably, the Vagina has been an important component of modern psychological warfare, but until now, Psy-Ops units in the field were forced to fight without them due to their immobility. Recent developments in Vagina Chassis technology have weapon makers optimistic that they will be able to manufacture a portable vagina that can be ready in mere hours for dates and other combat situations. One such technology with much promise is Early Warning Hair Product (EWHP), which can come in either spray or gel form. "EWHP allows us to have a proper hairdo in place, allowing for faster transport of the vagina to the front lines," says Thomas_Crapper, lead inventor on the Portable Vagina Project. The project, however, still faces tough obstacles. "We still haven't figured out how to apply make up to the control unit (or war head) of the Vagina Chassis in a timely manner. It still takes us hours, and that's not good enough, when minutes can mean life or death," Crapper said.

Radioactive vegetables

EatingCarrots 2374

Your parents lied to you.

Especially good for killing off large amounts of hippies or vegetarians. As the unsuspecting victim bites into the vegetable, large amounts of radioactive isotopes are injected into their bloodstream, killing them in a matter of seconds. Just don't try to plant them in your backyard.

Note that even if you have not eaten enough vegetables to fulfill the requirements of the Food pyramid, you should never eat vegetables that you know to be radioactive. The Surgeon General has said that the health benefits natural to vegetables do not outweigh the costs of rapid death. Radioactive vegetable producers have started an advertisement campaign claiming that eating vegetables will not effect your health in any way, however there is an asterisk on the end which links to the statement "if you were going to die anyways." written in a very small font.

Razor-tipped gloves


Especially useful against haemophiliacs

Sharp Fingers McGee's weapon of choice, razor tipped gloves simplify the whole "prod someone and they die" to "touch someone and they die". And that's not even taking into consideration how badass these things are. Just claw someone and they're in severe pain, how badass is that? They're so badass, they make Freddy Krueger look like a giant pussy by comparison.

Rocket pike

This is a pike that can travel through air by rocket fuel. It's similar to the javelin, but it goes much faster and much farther. RocketSpear

Rocket powered super sniper ninja monkeys with a plutonium core

I do believe this requires no further explanation.

Serrated bullet


Bullets only stab once. This is because bullets are a waste of metal. Serrated bullets would stab multiple times, and the person you're shooting will be in much more agony. Is there a single reason not to serrate bullets? Okay, the bullet might not fly right, and might hit YOU instead. Oh, well — it was worth a try.

Shuriken catapult

Catapults have traditionally launched blunt weapons, such as boulders. Why the hell is this? Everyone knows that edged weapons are vastly superior. This is why someone should place a large pile of shurikens on a catapult, and let it rain death on a rather largenumber of people. Shurikencatapult

Sharks with laser beams

These would transfix any lame geek who thinks recycling Austin Powers jokes is funny. While they are bragging about their sharks with fricking laser beams, you can fricking shoot them.

Sharpened Hampster


The sharpened hampster, as portrayed in Hamtaro episode "Ham-Ham Cancer Outbreak!"

Small, deadly and easily concealed in the event of an unexpected search, these are the ultimate street fighting weapon. May be used either in hand-to-hand (melee) combat, or thrown. Variations on the Sharpened Hampster include setting it on fire (Molotov Hampster) or coating it with a toxic residue (Poisoned Hampster Dart).



Just as the club with a nail in it follows the club, and the sword follows the club with a nail in it, swordchucks are the logical pinnacle of nunchucka evolution, neatly bypassing the whole club-with-a-sword in it thing. Why waste time pounding nails (or swords) into things when we already know what comes next?

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