List of real life hacks and cheat codes
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is too close to the TRUTH!
Citizens should begin to feel uneasy or bemused now. Fnord.
The real life hacks and cheat codes were created by the Jesii to make life easier for them.
It has now been revealed that these Jesii merely stole the idea originally created by Somerandomdude42 of the community site deviantART, where he posted a simple picture claiming that the TRUE cheat codes for life cannot be found on the internet  and has concluded that they are only bestowed upon people of great power and wisdom or those in giant pink bunny suits.
You, the reader, must agree that this disclaimer disclaims whatever it is to be disclaimed in a disclaimable way. In other words, try these hacks and cheats at your own risk. You never know; they just might work. Wrongly. Or correctly... It all depends on technique.
Useful Hacks and Cheats
Before attempting these cheats, you must first bring down the console (if you are not sure how to do this, you should stop reading now) and type [/spakbo] to activate the cheat mode. If successful, it will bring up a confirmation message. You can try the following:
- Infinite Beer - Place down beer, run around the table on which it is placed 300 times while eating chicken, pick up beer, and it will never run out.
- Increase Sympathy Meter - Remove non-dominant hand and points from your dexterity meter will now be on your sympathy meter.
- Reset Life - Hold down belly button for 10 seconds (must be exactly 10 seconds, may need an atomic clock).
- Reset All Reality - Find the really big red button somewhere on the internet. (ignore the do-not-press warning).
- Night Vision: Hold down the select button for ten seconds and then type in the amount of time in seconds that you want the cheat to last. If done successfully, you will be able to see in the dark for the alloted time. Just remember that you can't turn it off, so if someone shines a flashlight at your face, you're screwed.
- Code Vision: Tap the triangle button twenty-three times to enable and press the Z key to toggle on/off. Allows you to see the world as it really is, in the form of a black void filled with countless trillions upon trillions of shiny green symbols and numbers that make no sense. However, at the same time you can see people and certain items through walls, but it's debatable as to whether this is better than regular X-ray vision. For example, you can't really see where walls and other direct obstacles are, so avoid utilizing code vision in jumping puzzles.
- Walk Through Walls: Type "mapcollision.noclip = true" on the console to be able to move freely. Warning: You will fall through the floor.
- Fly: Watch the newest episode of Family Guy completely, theme song and credits included. Then, go to the U.S.-Canadian border and scream the word "Chicken" as loud as possible. You'll then be able to fly anywhere by jumping and holding it.
- Infinite Jazz Improvisation Skill: Yell at a blind saxophonist all day until your voice is 100% gone. By the following week you will have all the jazz improvisation skills you will ever need.
- Infinite Chicken: Go to KFC and recite the Colonel's motto, making sure you have the Fly cheat enabled. You will fall through the floor in to the infinite vat of chicken.
- Infinite Money: Go to the North Pole on the 15th Saturday of the year and at exactly 14h, 42min and 42sec yell "HESOYAM" and after 7 seconds whisper the amount of money that you want. The money will fall from the sky in form of an ice berg. (Warning: The last two people that tried this cheat were squished by the ice berg!)
- Infinite Happiness - Run into a door ten times while setting fire to yourself. Your happiness will rise to maximum capacity.
Dangerous Hacks and Cheats
- Invincibility - Jump out of the window of a tall building to activate this.
- Suicide - Bill Gates always kept this one handy. Stick your head in an incinerator to activate.
- Infinite Lives - Find me in real life and shove cats up my ass; each cat gives you 9 more lives.
- Flaming Skull Mode - Eat cyanide, then drink a load of Drain-o.
- Ultimate Destruction of The Universe - Keep destroying trees and smoke. Kitten huffing works.
- Massive Speed Boost with Wheelchair - Throw a grenade into your boost compartment and fly. Use with care, you will get stuck in a barrel.
- Release Chuck Norris - Refer to Ultimate Destruction of The Universe.
- Exploding Heads - Instead of using the grenade for boost, insert grenade into sleeping child's mouth. Pull pin, run and watch the fun. Warning: Messy. Use tarp.
- Unlimited Ammo - Insert loaded firearm of your choice into your mouth and pull the trigger. It also works with the mouths of other people, though doing this exponentially increases the number of enemies after you.
- Glitch City - Type "print 1 - 0" on the console then you will be teleported the the Glitch City. YOU CANNOT COME BACK.
- Invisibility - Swallow two tablespoons of cinnamon and drink one gallon of milk. Must be completed within one hour. You will be invisible to all NPCs. Warning: You will still be able to see yourself, however this does not mean that the cheat hasn't worked. Be sure to take off your clothes or people will be able to locate you.
- Player is 2-D - Walk up to a busy road and wait. When you see a massive steamroller, run in front of it.
If, when you regain conciousness, you will be in 2-D mode.
- Instant Obesity - Go to your nearest McDonalds, do NOT enter, just stand at the door. The pure smell of the McDonalds food will make you automatically obese. WARNING: THERE IS NO GOING BACK.
- Konami Code - Say "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, START" in Japanese while standing on your head. You will receive infinite lives and money.
Forbidden hacks and cheats
These are for use during crises only. This includes the rise of terrorism, so you can use them.
- Take Over the Internet - Click here to activate.
- Destroy Earth - Hit the big red button on the back of your PC and run like hell.
- The BFG (2007 ed.)- This is a big f***ing gun. I mean a really f***ing big gun. To get it, break a porcelain salamander with a slingshot on a Tuesday. (2007 ed. includes optional Bond gadgetry such as a robot gopher and laser-nunchacku)
- The Spam Trigger - This can kill the entire population. Now that you have read this message, you have to copy this on 5 different places or a little dead girl will come in your room and chop off your balls.
- Automatic Win - If you use this cheat you will win automatically. You can now do anything you want or go back and start again but with all the stuff you have now.
- Lots of Guns - Type "loaded" into the console. This spawns a gigantic rack of guns and high-yield explosives next to you. Somebody who uses this could do quite a lot of damage, so make sure there's no alternative. Also keep in mind that even if you're a good guy, the National Guard will probably be after you. Also works with clothes and kittens.
- Freeze NPCs - Type "d_npcfreeze 1" into the console. This is useful for getting out of bad situations that may be caused by use of other cheats. Remember that this doesn't freeze time itself, so you can't stop avalanches or other shit like that. It is, however, useful for catching unruly NPCs in an avalanche if they are trying to escape one.
- Rewind Time - Run backwards really fast. You may need to use the super speed cheat or Superman cheat to pull this off. If you're handicapped, use Massive Speed Boost with a wheelchair.
- Kill NPCs - Type "npc_kill" followed by the name or designation of the target NPC. One should note that if you don't put a name in, the cheat actually kills everyone in the world except for the person that uses it. If you kill somebody or everybody by accident, then press Ctrl+Z to undo the kill.
- Faster in Swimming - Bind yourself to Michael Phelps and you will automatically win any swimming contest.
- Load Backup Copy - Scream "WHERE'S MY BACKUP??" and wait 3 seconds. When you see someones who looks like you, smells like you, and does something which you did approximately 10 seconds ago, your backup has arrived. The backup will also use this cheat, creating infinite backups, so make sure you have Infinite Beer activated.
Real World Glitches
When the Jesii created the cheats, some certain loopholes were produced. These can be exploited to produce rather strange, humourous, or shocking effects.
- Negative colours - Punch a mirror wearing a pink boxing glove and you'll find a big black hole. Walk into it and everything will be negative colours. This may be, in fact, an alternate universe (albeit a very boring one).
- Negative friction - This glitch can cause extreme chaos, which of course, everyone loves so much. Take a sticky note, write "Kick me" on it and stick it on Tony Blair's back. Then everything won't be able to stop moving and accelerating. Can cause some real damage.
- Universal Sex Swap - This one is quite tricky to carry out. If you are male, then sneak into your wife's, mother's or sister's room and snatch a bra. If you are female, then sneak into your husband's, father's or brother's room and snatch a pair of Y-fronts. Put them on, and say this word exactly as typed: "azopoigpobfuckuakbhafshit". Then, everyone in the entire world will change into their opposite sexes. Beware of the risk of rejection, being dumped or divorce. Best combined with the Suicide cheat afterwards.
- No-clip mode - As long as you walk on a pedestrian crossing, clipping is disabled and cars will run harmlessly through you.
- Everybody Hates You - Go into a full elevator and fart. Everyone will start attacking you. (Can only be turned off by jumping off a cliff or using the Suicide cheat)
- Glitch City - Say: <<Hello, world!>> and you will get teleported to a virtual city and get stuck there forever. Must be said the exact way it was spelled and punctuated.
- Horny Sex - Go into the local strip club and find a toilet with a person of the opposite gender in it. Next, press up, down, left then right to enter (or just enter anyway) then enjoy the rest of the night with a smexy woman/man watching Barney the Dinosaur.
- Showering Glitch - Stop showering midway through and run outside. You will catch glimpses of code as reality does not have enough time to reload everything straight away. Only works if you leave shower running and don't pause to grab a towel or any clothes. (Another funny showering glitch - try and have a shower while clothed and no water will come out.)
- Showering Glitch 2 - In the morning, when you're dressed for school or work, go into the shower without removing your clothes. Turn the cold tap fully on, with no whatsoever. Now, go to the destination, without changing your clothes. Once you arrive at your destination, make sure 20 people see you, including that girl/boy you've been having that fling with behind your partner's back. Your level will instantly boost to 99. If, you do all HOT instead of COLD, you will get a free trip to the theme park NEAREST HOSPITAL, if someone hears your cries of joy.
- Automatic Win in Sports - Simple. Get David Stern's phone number and you'll win any game. Except the one you just lost. You know the one I mean.
- Inside Out People/Animals - Get some scissors and cut off your uvula. (The hanging ball thing at the back of your throat) This will invert everyone's/everything's bodies and cause absolute chaos! MWAHAHAHAHA! For some reason this glitch won't work on gay men, anyone 42, Schnauzers, me, or Swedish people.
- Visibility Glitch - Find a big door, preferably one that is metal, slides up, and has no windows. Point at it and say "ent_fire !picker kill". This will remove the door from existence. Depending on if you chose the right kind of door, an untouchable barrier will be left behind. This is known as an areaportal. Normally, opening the door turns off the areaportal, letting you see through it and closing the door closes the areaportal, blocking visibility and reducing the amount of stuff your eyes need to think about. The barrier may be pitch black or it may show the skybox; either way, it is completely untouchable and you can walk right through it. For an even weirder illusion, stand in the middle of the areaportal, with one eye on each side.
- Ragdolls. Ragdolls Everywhere - Point at your target NPC and say "ent_fire !picker becomeragdoll". They will flop over and you can push them around. Beware: Certain NPC classes lack ragdoll animation, so this may break reality and/or force you to reload from a previous save state (see "Load Backup Copy" cheat). This will have no effect on non-NPCs, so it's a waste of time to try to use becomeragdoll on the toaster. Also, because of how the "!picker" target works, you must be able to point directly at the target with nothing else in the way; it also won't work over a webcam.
It is believed that there are more cheats, hacks and glitches in the world which are yet to be discovered. If you do happen to find one, make sure to take your anti-death pills.
Miscellaneous Hacks and Cheats
- Automatic Loss in Poker - Phone yourself and then push the "poker-losing" button on the phone.
- Answer to Life/The Universe/Everything - Open Word, set the font size to 20 and type Forty-two. The answer to life will appear.
- Form of Monsters - You can become the form of monsters in order to prevent confusion between you and your identical twin. Push the square root of your own telephone number backwards, in hexadecimal, including all of the digits (including all leading and trailing zeros if the result is an integer).
- Negative Lives - Shove anti-cats up your ass. Each cat gives you minus 9 more lives.
- Manifest Llamas - Type "enable llamas" on your forehead in tattoo form.
- Spawn Police - Type 'kiddie porn' into Google to spawn the police at your front door.
- Turn Cake Into Pie - Recite pi to 100 decimal points. (to reverse recite cake to 100 decimal points)
- Spawn Police 2 - Dial 911 and police will arrive at your door. - Do not attempt.
- Godzilla - Enable no-clip and fly around outside the currently loaded area of reality until you find a disjointed area with some mountains or whatever you can see in the distant background in the main area of reality. This is the 3-D skybox and it is one 16th font size. Fly into it and do your best kaiju impression. Warning: You may get nuked from orbit while doing this. If you hear a bomb whistle, re-activate no-clip and get out of the skybox.
- For the universal sex change, you can also say "azopoigpobfuckuakbhafshit"
- A quicker version of the console has been discovered and it is easier to make! Just take a piece of cardboard, put the needed letters and numbers onto it, and hold it at arms length in a dark room to use.
- An even quicker way to use the console was just discovered. This method requires you to tattoo all codes on your body and run around your house three times wearing nothing but the codes. Caution: May cause Everyone Hates Me cheat to activate followed by Suicide cheat