List of melee weapons that don't exist, but should
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From LOWTDEBS.
[edit] Swords
[edit] sword made out of liquid mercury
The most deadly sword when your enemies are cut they wont heal and will either bleed to death or get infected (or become insane due to mercury poisoning)
[edit] Swordchucks
The evolution of weaponry generally follows a simple and predictable path, which we can trace back to the beginning of time. The most basi Just be sure to practice with ordinary nunchucks before even picking up swordchucks, or you risk neatly slicing off your own expletive. Many beta testers died to bring you this information. Use it well.
Note: Swordchucks exist but have been outlawed by most governments, including Canada, the Superfriends AND the Justice League, the Superbestfriends, and Bob Dole.
The only known person to have used swordchucks without causing personal harm is world-class sworder, chuck norris who was soon stabed to death by fighter for stealin his gimick
[edit] Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords
Nuclear missiles are really dangerous. And swords are really cool. COMBINE THEM, DUMBASS!!! Nuclear missiles shoot debris for miles, but it's all like paper and bricks and crap. Imagine your enemy has dropped a nuclear missile on you, and you are one of the few lucky ones. You got just out of range before it hits the ground. You get out to see the destruction and KER-SPLUTCH! 50 swords fly at your face! Oh dear, you have died, albeit not from dysentry.
If there is anything cooler than dying from dysentry, it is clearly from being subjected to upwards of 30 swords being shot at one's face.
[edit] Cruise Missile Sword
A swordtipped cruise missile, intended for ranged swordfights. (Range ~300 miles.) Actual development was attempted but cancelled in the planning stages in favour of the more promising cruise missile mace. There are also rumors that Tom Cruise has launched a lawsuit over naming rights.
[edit] Sword Jet
The accuracy and precision of modern technology combined with the kick-ass awesomeness of the sword. And it uses CamelCase, too! How could you go wrong with one of these?
[edit] Double-sided Sword
This is a real weapon used by ninjas and stuff, so it shouldn't be here. But it needs to be here for the next weapon to make any sense.
[edit] Triple-sided Sword
This would actually be a good sword, being useful as well as badass. It would have three sword blades protruding to form the corners of an invisible triangle, and a circle around the hilt. You could... I don't know, spin it around really fast or something. What the hell would you do if you had a 3-bladed sword? More to the point, what wouldn't you do?(just don't use it like a normal sword. You'll rip out your liver that way)
[edit] Quadruple-sided sword
Heavier than the 3-sided sword, more geometrically square, and pointier. Same thing.
[edit] Quintuple-sided Sword
Heavier than the 3-or 4-sided swords, and it looks like a shiny star. Pointy. Warning: Do not throw like a ninja star because it won't go far, and you lost a really cool looking weapon which your enemy will just as likely throw back.
[edit] Six-sided Sword
It looks like the E-trade symbol. And an asterisk*. And a Star of David, or the Five Fingered Hand of Eris
*Something you use to make annoying/pointless footnotes.
[edit] Too-many-sided Sword
This sword has waaaaaay too many blades. They also make it really not that sharp, as there are so many points that it is pretty much distributed evenly among three or four points rather than one point, whereas a stab with one point would actually pierce something. Which makes it pointless. But it sounds cool, especially with that special thingy they use in those freaky things like DuPont and McDonalds, two capitals in one name.
[edit] Way-too-many-sided Sword
This sword is so populated with swords that it is impossible to lift or hold. Although can be rolled down a steep hill towards enemies for effective use. It is simply a giant ball of steel. It is completely pointless, yet paradoxically very sharp. Used heavily, yet unsuccessfully, in the Giant Lobster Revolution.
[edit] Circular Sword
A sword you can't hold or touch because every single inch on it is sharp. You have either be Xena or trick your enemy into touching it and where ever he touches it he will immediately be sliced open. You can trick your enemy into touching it using a complex series of questions involving donuts and their similarities towards the Circular Sword. However, if you plan to sharpen it, you would be better off getting your mailman to hold it for you :). Some angels are known to use them as halos. Use the gravity gun.
NOTE: This weapon does sort of exist in Soul Calibur III, wielded by Tira.
NOTE: Colette has 500 of these in Tales of Symphonia.
NOTE: This is an awesome thrown weapon. If you can get a grip on it. Similar weapon in Arcanum of Steamwork and Magick Obscura.
NOTE: Just wear gloves. NOTE: If you shrunk this and could throw it, it would be kind of like a chakram.
NOTE: Expect everyone to call you Xena: Warrior Princess.
[edit] ∞-sided Sword
Same as above, but infinite.
Actually, an infinite-sided sword is just an iron pipe. Never underestimate the iron pipe. It could also be interpreted as a spherical instead of donut-shaped circular sword, but that's just stupid, as there would be no way to transport it because anything you put it in is instantly sliced to bits.
[edit] Wieldable Circular Sword
It's like the circular sword but it can actually be used. It has a handle in the middle with a button to make it spin so it can slice things like a razor. Kind of like that weapon Xena throws around, but infinitely cooler.
Note: it's called a chakram.
[edit] Sword with a Sword in it
Well, the sword is the best weapon ever! What other weapon could possibly improve upon a sword? Just think about it for a minute. Another sword would be the only conceivable improvement, obviously, given
- ∀ w ∈ W such that w != sword, awesomeness(sword) > awesomeness(w)
'Nuff Said.
[edit] Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it
It is already established that the sword is the most awesome weapon ever devised. It is also established as fact that another sword lodged inside a regular sword would be the only conceivable improvement on a sword. Thus, following logic, we have the conclusion that a sword's awesomeness could only ever be improved upon by continual addition of swords (or sides).
[edit] Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it
or Sword with a Sword in it5
This one is really already explained in the above statement, just more awesome. Also, this one is not as well made as usual. The methods for securing the swords together vary. The cheap alternative is just to tie them together but everyone knows that that's stupid, and looks really stupid. So does going into battle with some absurd amalgamy of five swords stuck together.
Now go huff kittens or something.
[edit] Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it
or Sword with a Sword in it13
Quite possibly the most awesome weapon ever known to man. Only used one time in all of history, and that's by Lord Eliwood of Pherae against the Lunch Moms in the Great A-la-Carte Line Revolution of '74.
- Drawbacks include the hundreds of hours required to sharpen all swords to a razor's edge.
Chemical composition:
100% Awesomide Chlorate 50% Sharpite 20% Pointium 10% Utter Chaos 5% Boredom 2% Urmomium 2.5% AAAAAAAAA! 0.5% Spandex
[edit] Fractal sword
the sword with a sword in it infinte difucult to wield as it weighs an infinite amount.
[edit] Sword2
The Sword2 is a sword squared. It is a very awesome, yet odd-looking, weapon that is really rather sweet to behold. It was invented by Flameviper when studying perfect square trinomials for Algebra. It follows the algebraic equation as follows, with the following substitutions:
is substituted for Sword, 
is substituted for Pointy, 
is substituted for Sharp, and 
is substituted for Awesome.
Thus, for simplification, we can substitute 
for .
(in descending order of polynomial terms, no less!)
This, 
, converted to words, is 
, which beats the living crap out of 
. There, now you have it! Muhahaha!!
[edit] SwordSword3
Also known as a sword to the power of sword, cubed.
This amazing weapon has a sword emanating from every previous sword, thus making it infinite. Being cubed, it extends in every direction. Therefore, it kills EVERYTHING! (Sadly, an unfortunate side-effect is that it kills the wielder also.)
[edit] Googolplex Sword
Also know as the Sword10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
This sword has so many swords inside swords inside swords, that it cannot fit in the universe, because the number googolplex cannot fit in the universe, unless you write the written form of it, or you use matheschematics, which nobody can understand. This sword cannot be wielded by a mortal, so only God, Jesus, Neil Patrick Harris, or Jebus or FSM (Flying Spaghetti monster) can wield it. Tests are currently being done to see if Chuck Norris can properly wield the sword but the results have been inconclusive.
[edit] Tesseract Sword
A sword that extends towards the Fifth dimension, thus allowing the wielder to kill multiple enemies even when they're on opposite sides of the universe. Special blunt versions must be used for training purposes, as an unskilled wielder may unintentionally kill someone located in a galaxy far, far away.
[edit] Saber Sword
An obvious extension of the awesomeness of the sword and the similar awesomeness of the lightsaber. The combination of these two weapons is simple. Advancements in 'saber technology allows for the beam emission hardware to be contained within the hilt of a sword. An igniter on the hilt allows the wielder to instantly encase the blade of the weapon in energy in the heat of combat, thus combining both ultimate forms of ass-kickery from both primitive and futuristic weaponry in one impressive tool, serving as a totally awesome special effect and doing a fine job of detracting attention from the terrible acting of Hayden Christensen.
The effects of this weapon vary. When in "Lightsaber Mode", one has the ability to cleanly cut through nearly any material with reletive ease. However, the sword's blade is only so sharp, and can be combined with the activation of the 'saber blade to produce some interesting results. Caution must be taken when duelling with another lightsaber or Saber-Sword user, such that one does not convert back to "Sword Mode" while the opponent is using a lightsaber, else the blade will simply be cut off. On the other side of this, however, one can severely startle their opponent and break a drawn-out stalemate. Picture it: you're in a fair swordfight that you're falling to the losing end of, when before your opponent knows it you hit a button and SIZZLE, their weapon lies in pieces on the floor along with their severed hand.
Also available in two single-handed and dual-ended formats.
[edit] Laser Guided Knife
One of the biggest complaints about knives these days is how inaccurate the knife is. Superman recognized this problem and spent inordinate amounts of time (lots and lots and lots) thinking of a way to resolve this problem. After infinite days and several brawls with the hulk (7 and 2) the idea to apply his super accurate laser vision to the sharp pointiness of knives. And so the Laser guided knife was born. The Laser Guided Knife has just as many uses as a normal knife, plus you can shine it on the screen at movie theaters to annoy people just before you kill them.
[edit] Knife With a Scope
Like a laser guided knife, but reduces the inaccuracy even more due to the fact it has ZOOM!, that's right, ZOOM!! You now have a OVER 9000%!! increase chance of hitting them.
[edit] Pedophile Beard
A beard made entirely of Pedophiles. for use in conjunction with rapist glasses, glasses made of rapists.
[edit] Norrisword
There is no way any weapon can deliver the damage as Chuck Norris but the Norrisword will put you on the top 10 of Chuck's daily hitlist. It will only give you a papercut but he smells it anywhere. The sword does not give a scent that only Chuck Norris could identify, that would be ridiculous. The fear knowing that you have been hit by the Norrisword and will be killed by Chuck Norris soon emits the smell of sweat and fear, the two things Norris can track down the best (next to beer of course). Running or hiding only stimulates his bloodlust. The actual trick is killing you before you can commit suicide. Note: Does not work on Sunday as he is busy killing people at the exact moment they make Chuck Norris jokes or proving Chuck Norris facts.
[edit] The Lightspork
It's like a lightsaber, but with a spork. Thus, it is much deadlier. And can cut and cook food with its heat. Thus, it has 5 uses. Fork, spoon, deadly weapon, food-cutter, and also stove. Not many things you have can do that, eh?
- NOTE: Please take care not to extend the blade while the lightspork is in your mouth. Nobody wants to be the one who has to clean that up. dont mess with teh dam sporkasaber or lightspork whichever.
[edit] The Quadraspork
Besides being a killer weapon for assassins (and psychotic chefs), you can also eat food four times as fast! (But beware of cut lips, skull injuries, and choking big time. Be sure to have a surgeon ready.)
[edit] Spword
It's a sword with a giant spork at the end. Or is it a giant spork with a sword on the end? It also shoots bullets.
Some people consider the proper spelling of this weapon's name as "Sporkord", but that is "Drokrops" backwards, and drocking ropps is not only lame, but already in existence.
[edit] Marijuana-Sword
Seriously, think about it, you slash the enemy and BANG they're so high they can't fight.
[edit] Nuke Sword
Known by many to be wielded by Czars across the world. The nuke sword is a formidable weapon. Even though many czars have the weapon, only one has ever dared used it, to smite Japan. Sure the "Historians" might tell you that it was America using the so-called "Atomic Bomb", but tell me, what proof is there that this weapon even exists(besides the obvious crater and the picture took of the bomb?) It had to be a Czar with a Nuke Sword.
[edit] Double Gun Sword
Dude, it's like, a gun taped to a sword with a gun on top. How fucking awesome is that? If you get into a sword fight, pop that thing out and slash away. And if you get into a gun fight, just pull the trigger. Its that simple. The type of sword used is optional, just as the gun is. Automatic guns are useful for spray-and-pray, while single shot guns are useful for being accurate (but who really cares about accuracy when you can have the coolest weapon ever invented). The only drawback with automatic weapons attached to the double gun sword is it's weight. More guns and swords can be added as seen fit (chainsaws would also be a good addition, also a giant Piano would be of help).
[edit] Laser-Guided Double Gun Sword With a Ninja on Top
Like the previous weapon, only with a ninja on it. Oh yeah, and its laser-guided for added awesomeness (could it get any cooler?)
[edit] Dragon Longsword
A dragon longsword is quite literally a dragon with a handle which can be wielded only by someone with enough balls to risk pissing off an angry wyrm. Thus, you yourself must be awesome to even dare such a feat. And of course large enough to wield such a mighty weapon.
[edit] Book of Swords
A normal book but with hundreds of swords stored inside. The book when thrown at someone would be guaranteed to give multiple paper cuts and/or instant decapitation. To fit every sword ever made inside, the book would be a billion stories high and weigh ten trillion pounds. Smaller books could be made for single army use and only contain 5% of all swords ever made. A one-page version would be ideal for individual use being light enough to fit in a backpack and small enough to take as carry on luggage on a plane. Some swords are too dangerous for daily use and would be removed upon request. These include:
- Four Sword
- Pen Sword (creates the mightier than self paradox)
- Nuclear Missile Filled With Swords
- Meaning of Life Sword
- Gunblade Shooting Nuclear Missile Filled With Swords
- Sword of Infinite Sexiness
- Ham Blade of Doom
- Nuke Katana
- Hydrogen Sword
- Sword With Doomsday Device As The Handle
- Sword With Sephiroth As The Blade
- Sword With Sephiroth As The Blade With Cloud On Top
- Concrete Donkey Sword
- Swords That Include Cows
- First Tsurugi
- Gunblade Shooting Nuclear Missile Filled with Ninjas Using Gunblades Shooting Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords
- Super Explosive Sword
- Sword of Major 'Whoa, My Hands Are Huge!!'
- Sword With The Earth As The Point
- Sword-eating Sword
- Ultima Weapon
[edit] Infinitely Sharp Sword
Also known as the PointyPointyPointySharp Sword.
A sword sharpened by someone for many years. This sword is so sharp that it cuts the air around it. Just put an oxygen tank on and enter a small building and suffocate your enemies.
If it wasn't for the hilt, when you dropped this sword it would cut clean through the earth and come out the other side, where gravity would reverse and it would fall back and stab you in the unmentionables. This sword is not to be mistaken with the "More Infinitely sharpened sword" which cuts atoms. You know what happens when you split an atom right? This property makes it similar to the "Nuke Sword" only less obvious to customs. It is also not to be confused with the "Infantly Sharpened Sword" which was indeed made by babies.
While the process of sharpening swords to infinity may seem like a good idea, there is one bad thing about it. It's booooooring!!!!! Lazy mathematical smiths, however, found a way to make this weapon of mass destruction much faster. Here are the steps:
- You take any average sharpened sword
- You make a sword which is not sharp at all. Seriously, if it even has a remote view of being sharp, you have to start over again
- Now, the fun part: You divide the average sword by the not sharp sword. You all know what do you get if you divide a number by zero? Infinity! Well, now you replace numbers by swords, and you divide a sword with sharpness = x by a sword with sharpness = 0, you will get a infinitely sharp sword! Just please, don't do it at home!
[edit] The Ancient Bone Saber of Zuma-Kalis
A mighty weapon, known to be the only tool in existence that can even hope to slay the Universal Remonster. While this is the only tool capable of killing the Remonster by using it to stab him in the heart, he can also technically be killed by stabbing him in the head or lungs, too, just stab him where ever really. Actually, you could probably poke him with a pillow and kill him...
[edit] Sword with AIDS on it
Self-explanatory. You get cut, you get the fun monkey disease.
[edit] Psychic Sword
A sword with the uncanny ability to know precisely what your opponent is thinking, moments before cleaving them in two. Unfortunately, being a sword, it has no means of conveying this knowledge to the wielder, so it's pretty much just a sword... Wait, did I mention it can crush minds?
[edit] Nunchucks
Two sticks stuck together. Need I say more?
[edit] Quadchuck
Several thousand years ago, a small band of ninjas, proficient with standard Nunchucks, grew weary of this fairly 2-dimensional weapon, and decided to combine 2 nunchuck pairs to create the fabled quadchuck (which succeeded in being a more 4D weapon... as the name would probably suggest). Basically the quadchuck is infact 4 nunchuck ends, linked with chains to a centre-point. This is an extremely difficult weapon to use, and is favoured more by monkeys and other simeans who can use their feet to grab the other 2 ends. But a few humans are actually able to harness it's awesome power, although no-one exactly knows who, because as soon as you see a person using them, you become instantly dead... which isn't good. Another small note; after many scientific tests, ninja-scientists determined that quadchucks are actually 7 times more awesome than normal nunchucks. That's right, 7, not 2 or 4 like you might think.
[edit] Bananachuck
Very evil and gruesome weapon. The Bananachuck are two bananas attached by a chain at the top. Once hit the nunchucks will most probably break but they are cheap so we do not care. But the reason these are dangerous is because as soon as the opponent is hit a hoard of rabid monkeys from New York will attack him and most likely kill him in the process. This weapon is rated PG-13 by the movie association of America. :-)
Also can be one banana successfully split in half using the banana and swinged around.
[edit] Chainsaw-Chucks
(See Dr. Mcninja.com)
Two chainsaws connected by a chain. This is perhaps one of the most powerful chuck-weapons in existance, and can thus only be wielded by an Überninja. Or possibly Chuck Norris.
[edit] Nemesischuck
That's right, sometime during 2003 everyone's favourite BOW and Resident Evil character was developed into a deadly, and fairly kickass, nunchuck. To cut a long story short, the nemesis was shrank, cloned, solidified using PVA glue, and then the original and the clone were chained together to form this orgasmically bad-looking monstrosity of sweetness. Not much is really known about this weapon as only one exists, but what little is known is kept in a secret vault somewhere. Not much is known about this vault, but what little is known is kept in another vault somewhere else...
Please note that nemesis is the only creature powerful enough to wield this crazy shit, so don't even try... don't go there... seriously don't...
“Seriously, don't...”
[edit] Sephiroth-chuck
Two Sephiroths attached to create one of best kickass weapon.
[edit] Kuja-chuck
Similar to the Sephiroth-chuck but with two Kujas attached. It is rumored to bring sexy back, but everyone knows that he's in Florida right now and will not be disturbed. Also know to change one's gender upon touching it.
[edit] Weasel-chuck
Imagine getting hit in the face with a small, furry rodent with razor sharp claws, large sharp teeth, and a mean temper. Good, now imaging getting hit in the face with a small, furry rodent with razor sharp claws, large sharp teeth, and a mean temper repeatedly until your death. Case closed.
[edit] Nunchucks Photo Gallery
 Nun-chucks with actual nuns - At least they named this one right. |
 Chuckchucks - Double-chuckin' action with Chuck Norris chucks. Deadly as hell. |
 Jesus-chucks - Two Jesii for ultimate pain. Ouch. |
 Shotgunchucks - A standard pair of Shotgunchucks, point away from eyes and squishy parts. |
[edit] Semi-Melee Weapons (Gun-Melee Hybrids)
[edit] Nunchuck Gun
“How many guns can a nunchuck chuck, if a nunchuck could chuck guns?”
So what is a nunchuck gun? To be honest, I have no idea. But I have a theory...
A nunchuck is commonly two sticks, connected by chain. By gripping one stick, and swinging, you can whack someone several inches further away than normal.
By applying a gun to one of the sticks (thanks to some duct tape, or at the very least a duck), you have 2 options for combat: you can hold the gun, allowing you to whack someone and then shoot them, or you can hold the other stick, and whack someone with the gun, causing more damage. (NOTE: The second way can cause the weapon to discharge. However, this is rarely dangerous, since you should be expecting the gun to fire, while actually being hit by the bullet is insignificant. See guns for more details.)
Tests with other varients of the nunchuck gun, including the nunchuck rifle, nunchuck minigun, nunchuck bazooka and nunchuck WMD, have been less than perfect, although the nunchuck howitzer is popular in Norway.
Scientists in the field are currently in the development stages of creating a more powerful gun-shooting-swordchuckschuck that one scientist stated would "blow the bitch-ass off" the nunchuck gun. The scientist then asked why he is forced to work in a field.
According to Dangeresque, nunchuck guns can be bought at Cool Weapons Surplus, and go great with a Reesy Cup milkshake.
[edit] Gunchucks
This is a dangerous weapon, a hybrid of normal guns and nunchucks. To elaborate, it is two guns held together by chain or, in the case of very large guns, jumprope. Gunchucks are considered much more deadly than normal nunchucks, as being shot is the leading cause of death among people with organs.
Many variants on gunchucks are known to exist, each one using a different kind of gun. The most popular variants are gunbladechucks, shotgunchucks, and flamethrowerchucks.
The Shotgunchuck is favoured by modern ninjas who just want to become nigh unstoppable at short range combat, although it's rare to see one used as the sheer sight of a Shotgunchuck is enough to bring a man to his knees due to fear. When two Shotgunchuck-wielding ninjas engage in combat the results are spectacular. the first such occurrence happened when the creator of the Shotgunchuck Sokkittuim-Sama fought his life long apprentice Shaominoto Krakyaskul. It has been told that the intense battle (whoever said "1000 times better then Chuck Norris" will be raped with said gunchucks) could be heard from hundreds of miles away and was thought to have destroyed the original Statue Of Liberty.
Another powerful form of the Gunchuck is the Magnumchuck. As the name subtley suggests, this is basically a Gunchuck but with two big-ass 40 cal. magnums, used mostly with ninjas who immigrated to the wild west. This immigration allowed these ninjas to develop new and advanced methods of kick-assery so they could return to their native land and end the Ninja Civil War. The discovery of the Magnumchuck happened almost by accident, when a ninja (the original creator is disputed amongst historians, so we don't name names to keep everyone happy) reached for his nunchucks but instead drew a magnum. He then fused magnums to each end of a chain to create the Magnumchuck. It's used by the majority of Cowboy-Ninjas (easily identifiable by their black 10 gallon hats and blood soaked spurs) who favour it due it's massive long range damage and it's even massiver short range damage (seriously, do you wanna get pistol-whipped by one of those?).
[edit] Dual Lightsaber Chainsaw Gunbladechucks
The pistol-grip frames, saw chains and the chains connecting the weapons in pairs are made of a molecular alloy of titanium, carbon, hydrogen, and duct tape. "Unbreakable" is the middle name of its third cousin.
The four engines are quantum-based, generating their own fuel and only barely existing in this universe. They can be adjusted for time travel.
The onboard computers - which exist just as a side effect of the quantum engines - can handle any targeting and other tasks imaginable through a wireless neural interface.
The saw chains' rotation creates a harmonic resonance that cracks anything that even gets close.
The teeth of the saws consist of several hundred tiny lightsabers that cut through everything else, and generate gravitational fields that make the guns recoilless and give the nunchaku-based spinning motion incredible speed and stability without effort.
The tiny railguns at the base of the blades have a firing rate of Seventeen thousand rails/second (the best chaingun fires at 900 bullets/second.), a range of Eleven thousand Kilometers (just over twice the Earths' equatorial radius.), muzzle velocity of YOUR MOM(Because she blows that much), and a stopping power of 0.5 CnRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick). (The Big Bang is equal to just over 1 CnRhK.) (Actual numbers gathered from test data.)
The bullets are made from an unstable plutonium-titanium alloy, created in a separate pocket universe at the moment the trigger is pushed. They have hollow cores filled with cyanide and an anti-matter acid, and they're coated with lemon juice. Their destructive force can't even be expressed in any known language other than that of the elusive Giant Boing Gloing. But it's quite a lot.
The special vibrating feature is an added bonus for female wielders, to boot.
[edit] Rocket-propelled Chainsaw
A chainsaw with a rocket engine is fired out of a rocket launcher, causing excessive pain with the cutting and exploding combined. Unless you miss. Making you a idiot and one chainsaw short.
[edit] Rocket-propelled Cheetah
A cheetah with a rocket inserted in the anus is fired out of a rocket launcher. The can cover very large distances and is extraordinarily deadly. If you are hit by the cheetah you will immediately be ripped to shreds. (the rocket ceases to be useful when it gets to you)
= A very fast Rocket, with a cheetah.
[edit] Cheetah-propelled Rocket
A cheetah has a rocket strapped to its back and it runs at you. The cheetahs are trained from an early age to be impervious to trickery (and Butt sex) and will never stop chasing you until it has delivered "the package". (The Cheetah Will become useless once it reaches you)
[edit] Walnut Propelled Cheetah
A Cheetah Attached to a Walnut. Very Tasty. (not for use without this)
[edit] A AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAA!
- AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA
[edit] Laser Guided Uma Thurman Katana
Uma Thurman shot from a Katana
[edit] Forkgun
A gun in a shape of a fork. Oh wait, that really does exist. Whoops.
[edit] Keygun
A gun in the shape of key. Dang, this exists too. I can't win.
[edit] Sata Gun
A device which fires Serial ATA cables at velocities in excess of four kilometres an hour! For the hardware technician on the go, or rheumatic ninjas.
[edit] Lasergun
Yes, a lasergun. Okay, not a lazergun. Due to the budgetcuts it's a toothpick. If you use this toothpick right, and pray to Jesus, leave Santa cookies on the 4th of July, and say pirate in the presence of a ninja (you must do this last step for it to work..) It will assure a deadly (yet somewhat satisfying) clean mouth.
[edit] Triple Barreled Fusion Powered Laser Guided Money Activated Sword-Chuck Wielding Ninja Cannon
Fires three ninjas with Swordchucks. The rest just sounds nice, but doesn't do anything.
[edit] Gunasune
Gunblade with an 8 foot Masamune blade. 10 times better than the Lionheart.
[edit] Other Weapons
[edit] Wristwatch Switchblade
Not to be confused with the wristwatch, the switchblade version is powerful, sharp, and cool looking. Face it, if it were real, it would totally pwn j00 n00b. It's a very stealthy weapon. The blade shoots out of the watch when you set the time to 12:00 p.m. It can be set to come out the left, right, front, back, top, and very very rarely, the bottom of the watch. Upon coming out of the bottom it stabs right through the wearers wrist. When it comes out any other way, it can be used in combat. To put it away, simply set it for a different time.
- In no way is this related to the iPod switchblade, because I don't want Steve Ballmer to fucking kill(TM) me*
Those of a fashion-concious disposition may prefer the Swatchblade(tm) version.
[edit] Bracer Graters
Your traditional bracers comprise a single strap of leather - or, if you're really lucky, a bit of tin. Well, why not increase the offensive power of your wrists with the sizzling sting of the cheese grater? Simply select the size and shape of your grating holes according to the skin type of your opponent (be the Chinese, Nepalese, Turkish or crocodile) and jump right in. Impenetratable to all other weapons (except knitting needles and BBs).
[edit] Quick-deploy Chinese Segway Infantry
[1]Deployed in drop pods from orbital satellite barracks, these "pocket sized pain pills" are the staple of the Imaginary Chinese army. Featuring several tiny-gun wielding badasses decked out in black, the beauty is that they are able to move slightly faster than walking, while being able to use both their hands to hold their guns!!!
[edit] Super Heavy Self-impulsed Hammer & Ax or Spike
It is like that hammer in Super Smash Bros. except it could be a simple hammer or it could have an axe of spike on the other side really deadly.
[edit] Double-sided Folding Chair
This is the weapon Darth Maul would use if he was a professional wrestler. Oh sure, you just laid the smackdown on your opponent, but you know his grappler buddies are right behind you, fixing to hit their finishers on you while the ref ain't looking.
What do you do? You get a double-sided folding chair (which can be made by taping two folding chairs together) and hit both guys so hard that they forget it's fake.
In the picture on the right is Darth Maul fixing to get Rene Dupree back after the French retard knocked him out of the Royal Rumble with a cheap shot. Based on Darth's facial expression, the result was less then pretty. However, the crowd loved it, and it caused HUGE amounts of PAIN!
It's entirely possible this shouldn't be on the list any more. Steve Ballmer may have made use of such a weapon in the opening shots of the GoogleSoft War.
[edit] Spiked Hula Hoop
Ultra deadly weapon. Operated by GYRATING, (MORON) one's hips the spiked hula hoop has spikes along the outside and for people who can't do hula then theres also one with handles large and small swords.
Seriously, did a six year old write that?
[edit] Feather of Death
Quite simply, it's a feather. Nobody ever expects a feather to kill them, unless they are a Goomba and Mario is in the vicinity.
There is some debate as to whether or not the feather of death actually exists, as there are various references to it in Renaissance era literature, and it even appears in a notable painting by Albrecht Dürer. Most statisticians agree, however, that things in paintings are only 12% more likely to exist than things that aren't in paintings, and things in Renaissance era literature are actually 26% less likely to exist, thus the Feather retains its place on this list.
The theoretical functionality of the Feather of Death is also hotly debated, some claiming that the suffix "of Death" alone would be sufficient to make the feather deadly, while others argue that the feather gets its potency from harmful substances such as mercury which would be renewed each time before the application of the feather to the victim.
Theories about how the Feathers of death were actually used are clearly bunk. One stipulates that it was typically dropped in mid air with hope that the wind will carry it towards the enemy. Others strongly disagree with this and maintain that it was used to stuff pillows of death. Use of normal feathers were numerous in torture, and the feather of death may have been used to strike the final blow to the prisoner by tickling his bladder.
[edit] Lance with a Brick on the End
The lance was designed to kill by poking, but this rarely happened even at the peak of lance usage. Lances don't penetrate armor very well, so what's the point of jousting with one? Instead, put a brick on the end, and have your horse charge. (Note: if you do not have a horse, then hold this weapon up and wait for an idiot with a horse to charge into it.) The impact will devastate.
Upgrading a lance may, however, result in the opponent noticing it and doing the same at the next joust. That's why it is crucial to kill him, or to upgrade one step further than the rival. Here is the list of lance upgrades in efficiency order:
- Bare lance
- Lance with brick on the end (Adds reach, crushes enemy knight)
- Lance with two bricks on the end (Crushes brick, enemy knight)
- Lance with bluefin tuna on the end (Oil separates bricks, causes enemy knight to fall off due to excess lubrication)
- Lance with cat tied on the end (Cat pounces on tuna, helmet of enemy knight)
- Lance with bulldog tied on the end (Bulldog eats cat, enemy knight)
- Lance with bear tied on the end (Bear kills bulldog, then eats enemy knight)
- Lance with bear tied to another bear tied to the lance(Bears team up on enemy bear, then enemy knight)
- Lance with a lance tied to it (lances extended reach stabs through both bears and enemy knight)
- Lance with turtle tied to the end (turtle's round shell deflects pointed lance, lance stabbes into enemy knight)
- Lance with aligator tied to the end (gator eats turtle, broken shell shards impale enemy knight)
- Bare lance (Point-ed end easily kills the aligator, stench induces enemy vomiting)
But here's where it gets tricky. A lance with two bricks on the end can easily take a lance with a bulldog on the end, for instance.
[edit] Nuke on a stick
well its a very long stick.
[edit] Two-Handed Pencil
A pencil, so HUGE that it must be wielded with two hands. Any less, you will drop it, likely causing excruciating pain to your foot. Any more, and a grue will eat you. And as everyone knows, the pen (or pencil) is always more powerful than the sword.
[edit] Razor-tipped Gloves
Sharp Fingers McGee's weapon of choice, razor tipped gloves simplify the whole "prod someone and they die" to "touch someone and they die". And that's not even taking into consideration how badass these things are. Just claw someone and they're in severe pain, and yet they have a smooth clean face no woman can resist. How badass is that? They're so badass, they make Freddy Krueger look like a giant pussy by comparison. On the contrary, the hazards of scratching one's bottom with this would not to be underestimated.
Preferred weapon of people that are "scene" and emos.
[edit] Self-adhesive, Chloroform-filled Plastic Bag
Snatch was an awesome movie. One of the coolest things about it was Brick Top's preferred method of killin' people: "Taser, plastic bag, roll of duct tape." Although this method of murder is extremely cold-blooded and kick-ass, it requires carrying a lot of equipment around. Tasers are heavy and expensive, and duct tape is bulky. Plus, if you're caught with all three in your possession at once, people will get suspicious. And tasers tend to set off metal detectors, so they're hard to get into high-security areas (unless they're disguised as cell phones or something).
A self-adhesive, chloroform-filled plastic bag would solve these problems while retaining the awesomeness factor. Instead of zapping your target with the taser, then putting the plastic bag over their head, then duct-taping an airtight seal around their neck, the whole operation is reduced to one step: pull the bag over your victim's head (preferably from behind to minimize initial resistance). The chloroform will kick in, knocking your mark out, and the edge of the bag will stick to the victim's neck, forming that all-important airtight seal to suffocate the victim to death. Fingerprint-resistant plastic bag available, for an extra charge.
[edit] Nerf-stick of Oblivion
Created in an attempt to tame the awesomeness of Oscar Wilde the Nerf-stick transforms anything it hits into its harmless nerf equivalent. The attempt was unsuccessful however as it was discovered that the nerf equivalent of Wilde was just as awesome as Wilde himself, due to the principle of Conservation of Awesome
The nerf-stick is currently in the possession of the criminal mastermind, Shadow Atlan
[edit] Toxic Boxing Gloves
Don't ask. Some things are better left that way. In fact, most of the weapons shown on this page should be left alone. Really. I mean it. Don't go saying I didn't warn you, because I did. Good luck typing with these things on.
[edit] Napalm-filled Balloon on a Stick
This is a very easy way to surprise people. All you have to do is swing the stick at them (or throw the balloon if you can't break the balloon with melee attacks, pansy) and watch as they catch fire! Note that there may be some drawbacks in that you may catch fire yourself. This can be averted as mentioned before by throwing the balloon. However, there's better ways of doing that (see Acid Balloon)
[edit] Penny Farthing of Death
A brick (B) may be attached to the lance (A) for added kickassivenessage.
Not a sword, but certainly sword-based, and far, far more betterer even than the ill-fated "Unicycle Of Certain Discomfort", this baby features wheels made from circular swords, spokes made from swords, and a dirty great lance for when you've just got to charge! Plus optional brick for end of lance.
[edit] Slaxe
If you really need to ask why this is so awesome, you need professional help.
The Slaxe is just pure awesomeness and that's all there is to it. It's a sword, lance, and axe all in one. You can block, blunt-smash, chop, hack, lunge, nudge, rake, slash, smack, smash, spear, stab, thrash and throw anything with it. Actually, the only thing you can't do with it is cook hot dogs over an open fire. And they cook faster and taste better this way too. Yes cook all your foods with the utterly 9wn4ge slaxe, cuisine cooker from heaven, and the best friggin weapon too!
[edit] Slaxield
This may not come as a surprise but there is also a variant of the above mentioned "Slaxe" that may be even more useful. The slaxield, as one might guess, is a fusion of a sword, an axe, and a lance, now with a newly added and quite useful shield attachment. The shield is also detachable and can be replaced with other shields, such as a mirror shield, for blocking magic attacks; and a spiky shield. Once the shield is detached, other attachments can be implemented as well, such as a cooking rack for cooking hot dogs over an open fire, and the all-popular lawn mowing/village raiding attachment (sold separately, and banned in seven countries, see your legal advisor). Keep out of reach of small children; If someone under the age of ten gets hold of a slaxield, the opponent is screwed and not entitled to any money.
[edit] Slaxechucks
The sheer coolness of this weapon prevents it from ever being made. Several have tried, and their heads have all a sploded out of sheer amazement during the prototype stage. The only prototype still in existence belongs to Chuck Norris, and not even he is awesome enough to use them without thick leather gloves. You can cook hotdogs over an open fire with it, but I wouldn't try it.
[edit] Lightslaxieldchucks
This weapon is extremely awesome. The only person to use it is Chuck Norris and he must wear the Master Chief's armor to use it for only the combined awesomeness of The Master Chief and Chuck Norris can wield Lightslaxieldchucks effectivly.
[edit] Lightslaxieldammerlaserchainsawgunbladechucks
The most awesome weapon on the face of the Earth, the Lightslaxieldammer is made by blending a lightsaber, a sword, a lance, an axe, a shield, and a hammer, into a powerful weapon. The laser chainsaw is then binded onto it, followed by a M4 with the grenade launcher replaced with a katana, to make the awesome Lightslaxieldammer laserchainsaw gunblade. It is then fused with another Lightslaxieldammer laserchainsaw gunblade, to made the infinitly awesome Lightslaxieldammer laserchainsaw gunbladechucks. Only Chuck Norris, wearing Master Chief's armor and empowered by God and Jesus can wield this awesome weapon.
If you have it then you can slice, stab, chop, defend, whack, burn, shoot, and cook hotdogs over an open fire!!!!!!!
Available for $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. Not available on eBay.
[edit] Slacks
As menswear, slacks occupy the nebulous middle ground between trousers and pants. As a melee weapon, only slacks feature the permanent crease and debonair flare that guarantee deadly effectiveness in close-order combat. Polyester-doubleknit slacks are preferred for modern combat, as their crease has been shown to hold a cutting edge almost indefinitely, due to the unique "micro-serration" created by the polyester strands produced under doubleknitting conditions. In 1978, regulation leg flare was officially restricted to 32 cm, or a maximum of 72 cm circumference, as the so-called "pimp-flare" could decapitate an opponent before the match had begun. Sans-a-belt manufactures the professional-quality slacks sanctioned by the World Ultimate Trouser Fighting Federation; however, JC Penney and Montgomery Ward offer affordable alternatives, which can be worn with belts. European trouser fighters have had some success with Selfridges.
[edit] Spork Sword (AKA Spord)
As the name may imply, you can now look forward to dispatching your most despised enemies with what may remind you of your favorite cafeteria utensil, the spork. Weighing at a mere 17 pounds; 8 feet long with detachable limbs, this instrument of war is not unknown for the utter destruction it has caused at the hands of angry and hungry individuals alike. It may be best known for its usage by King Leonidas of the Spartans in the Great War of Waffles, where many a Greek felt the sting of the Spord's hot steel in their backs. Citation Needed The Spord comes in several different colors, including hot pink; chartreuse; lavender and mauve; except plaid, because that's just silly.
[edit] Instruments of War
A combination of a weapon and a musical instrument designed for maximum rockin' and asskickin'. Most famous for their use in ELotH:TES as tools of the Warrior Bards. Strong Bad's KeySwordTar is sometimes believed to be one, but its hybrid instrument nature disqualifies it.
[edit] Flail-Toed Boots
There is no such weapon that is as medievally badass as this. The high kick will knock back their head, the huge spiked ball coming up from under the foot will crush their jaw, puncture their jugular, and make their brains come out of their ears. Unfortunately, the inertia of the weapon coming up after crushing someone's under-skull will likely kill the weilder's foot. There is also the matter of being strong enough to perform a kick with a huge 30-pound spiked ball attached to their foot, so only the most amazing, holiest people that are of sufficient medieval badass caliber would even think to use this awesome weapon.
[edit] Boot Flail
Somewhat comparable to the above mentioned flail-toed boots, except it consists of a rope or chain with a boot at the end. Not especially known to be very useful, but they do exist. It may be noted that, though not yet attempted, it is possible to wield a pair of flail toed boots linked to another pair of flail toed boots which may in fact be linked to an actual flail, or a couple ninjas. Other variations may include:
- Rat Flail
- Cat Flail
- Pope Flail
- Ninja Flail
- WMD Flail
- Slaxe Flail
- Slaxield Flail
- Slaxield Flail Flail
- Slaxield Flail Flail Flail Flail Flail
- And so on...
[edit] War Defibrillator
An excellent assassination or ambush weapon, as all you have to do is place the paddles on the victim, shout "CLEAR!!", and the defibrillator will do the rest! Extremely deadly, and therefore has not been tested. As long as you don't use it twice, or you might stop the victim's heart, only to start it again (possibly).
[edit] Mousetrap on a Stick
An excellent weapon for those close range sneak attacks. Quite favorable for ball snatching as well as anti-mouse hand to paw combat. Also has unexplored applications in nipple attacks as well as rat trap on a stick among others. Slow re-load time and it can be a real bitch to get the cheese to stay on sometimes.
[edit] Nuclear Barbecue Sausage on a Stick
A deadly nuclear barbecued sausage sent from the darkest pit of hell. Eating this will disolve your tongue, then your whole body, then burn a hole into Earth and create an immense nuclear reaction in the planet's core.
[edit] Plasma Toaster
A toaster made by replacing the heating elements with plasma swords (use light-sabers, you also may, but only if ask Yoda, you do), this generates an obscene amount of heat, and will automatically slice your toast/bagel for you, it will also kill any n00bs who get too close. There are only two known plasma toasters in existance, one is owned by Master Chief and one is owned by Jesus who as the butler to Chuck Norris makes him his cosmic bagel with dead baby cream cheese every morning. It was designed by Oscar Wilde.
[edit] Thermonuclear Pop-Tart
A pop tart made in a plasma toaster, when the pop tart is broken open/bitten into (God forbid) this synthetic pastry will release such a wave of sugary, gooey, firey, death that anyone eating breakfast within twenty miles will spontaneously combust, the tart itself will burn a rift in space and release a torrent of delicious filling at such a temperature that it is similar to hot magma, but tastier. This, sadly, will turn the nearby area into a barren and delicious wasteland. Unless its a cinnamon and brown sugar pop-tart, in which case it just turns into a barren wasteland.
It is often used by Ninjas and all sub-classes of Ninja therof to assassinate assholes and politicians, who are the same thing. This is especially deadly, as the tart will, once heated, stay hot forever, and is indistinguishible from a normal pop-tart. The only known people to have survived consuming a Thermonuclear Pop-Tart are Mr. C. Norris (see God) and Oscar Wilde, while he was testing his Plasma Toaster. When a Toaster Strudel is substituted, this can cause even more deadly results, as the Toaster Strudel is the one kids want to eat. It has been theorized that by drawing the icing on the strudel in a pentagram, with the correct ancient runes, a gate to Hell or even Congress can be opened, and by slicing the strudel with a silver dagger to release the filling, one might flood Hell, or even Congress with skin-boiling and fruity filling, of death.
[edit] Spiked Dildo (anal Deterrent)
A seemingly harmless dildo until you put in in your orifices in your body than the spikes come out and leave you hurt, and you'll never score again. Ouch.
[edit] Staff of Bahamut Summoning
The unique item that can summon the world's most powerful monster: Bahamut.
Effects are:
- When hitting something, the foe will receive a roundhouse kick to the face, making him fly off to Venus (a mysterious planet populated by Ninja Pirates)
- If you say pow while pointing at something, it will instantly asplode
- If you say "KERPOW!!!" while pointing at something, it will instantly asplode, then all the pieces will come back together, then teleport to Chuck Norris's house, where he will roundhouse kick it, where as it will proceed to bow down to him, teleport back to its original location, sing a song about Oscar Wilde, and then asplode again. This process happens in a period of seconds. Should you happen to say "SPERKOW!!" or something equally as moronic, instead of the object asploding, you will instead go thorugh the aformentioned process of asploding, reforming, teleporting, getting roundhouse kicked, teleporting again, singing about Oscar Wilde, and finally, asploding again, only much slower and excrutiantingly painful, and finally having all your bits and pieces eaten by a ninja.
- It is the only weapon that can harm George Dubya Bush
Warning: You must be level 1337 or higher to wield this grand weapon. You must also have a total number of hours played on warcraft equal to the number of hairs on Chuck Norris' beard. You must then drop a prayer to Buddha and Joe the Ninja Pirate, and sacrifice a virgin atop of N00b mountain while chanting various demonic songs, preferably from such singers and groups as Coldplay, Celine Dion or Fallout Boy (warning, may cause your brain to melt).
[edit] Lightchainsaw
More effective then the lightsaber (sadly), yet, not thought of... common belief is that it will be used when the Jedi have to fight Sith zombies.
[edit] Lightchainsaw-chuck
When a Jedi has to fight more than one Sith zombie at a time.
[edit] Chainscissors
It's simple. Two chainsaws stuck together to form a pair of scissors, with flames and hazard stripes painted on, and then imbued with extra awesome. That cat'd better stay off my lawn.
[edit] Gravity-defying Knives
Dangerous in that it can slice through gravity itself and cause your enemy's blood to slowly drift upwards into their own nostrils, suffocating them on their own blood. It can also be used as throwing knives but then it would continually travel in one direction, break through the barriers of time and space, and eventually stab you in the back. Eleventy billion years later.
[edit] Axerang
A boomerang with an axe on either end. When thrown by anyone other than a n00b, the Axerang has been known to kill 68 peasants before even starting to return to its owner. (I only had 68 frie-- peasants to try this on at the time.) Required feats: Two-weapon fighting and Greater Cleave. If you miss with the Axerang, it will grow angry and kill you upon returning.
[edit] Can of Whoopass™
A simple metal can labeled "Whoopass™" in red letters. There are four different kinds of Whoopass™; 'Regular'; 'Super'; 'Pwnage'; and 'Junior', for a weaker ass-whoopin'. For the 'Junior' kind, Sailor Moon jumps out, and does all her little girly stuff. WARNING : for people under 10 years of age ONLY. Otherwise, your plan will backfire, and you'll get pwned. For the 'Regular' kind, Stevie Wonder comes out and shoots you with his eye beams, along with other stuff if he feels like it. For the 'Super' kind, Chuck Norris comes out and whoops your ass so bad, he makes full-grown men run home and cry. And finally, for the 'Pwnage' variety, Mr. T jumps out and pities you into oblivion. And if that doesn't work, he'll pwn your ass in a split second. Oh, my god, if you get your ass whooped by Mr. T, it'll be the last memory you'll ever have (he beats you until you have Alzheimer's). However, he doesn't kill you. He pities da foo' that kills people, because he thinks that ends your suffering too early, so he likes to beat you to near-death, and then he'll stop so that you can live with all the ouchy and pity.
Available in vrious sizes. from 100ml civilial defencive weapons to the 55 gallon drum of whoopass (as seen on the list of weapons that don't exist but should. under explosives) whooping the collective asses of an entire nation if neccasary. seing as this is a WMAW(weapon of mass Ass Whooping) only the US is allowed to have them or even be suspected of having 55's because they ae douchebags.
[edit] Muffin
This a small, fluffy cake. It is left in an exposed position near the enemy encampment. An enemy will attempt to eat it, and as soon as it touches his lips, its immense Gluten-free dry powderyness leaps down his windpipe and eats him alive from the inside out. The Muffin's true effectiveness has been questioned ever since it was discovered that "The Cake Is A Lie", thus causing Cupcakes to be "Small Lies", thus causing Muffins to be "Small Lies" as well since they are very similar to Cupcakes.
[edit] Soylent Muffin
Another small cake, same as the lethal melee weapon muffin but it contains home-made Soylent Green. When an enemy eat it, his/her spit will activate a green human venom and reach the blood vessels. Your enemy will die in 0.1 second. But it's color is way far from green so it's difficult to choose which one is the Soylent or the normal-lethal one.
[edit] Bomberang
The bomberang is a bomb crafted to be shaped like a boomerang by the finest mathematical Aborigine minds of the 19th century that is still in use today. The bomberang is simply thrown at the target as if it were a boomerang, and on contact, or at the end of its short fuse, asplodes. If you miss, it will come right back to you (for another throw, of course).
[edit] Mag-Lite With a Beam Focus Setting That Can Melt Tank Armor
It looks like a simple Mag-Lite flashlight. It even functions as one. But once the focus is at a certain degree, the beam created can melt tank armor, making the flashlight a deadly weapon. Users are cautioned to monitor how much light they really need when using this flashlight.
[edit] Nunchuku Made of Mag-Lites With Beam Focus Settings That Can Melt Tank Armor
Just like the Mag-Lite With a Beam Focus Setting That Can Melt Tank Armor, only it's two of them attached with a chain so that once the tank is melted, the operator can be taken out with a little bit of martial arts madness.
[edit] Cat with Buttered Toast On Top
Toast always lands on the buttered side. Cats always land on their feet. This has been proven by numerous astro-nuclear-quantum-physicists. If you drop this on an enemy, it spins at the speed of infinity, crushing the enemy and driving them into the core of the earth, where there is no gravity, and stops this weapon by depleting it's inertia levels to 'EXTREMELY LOW, MAN', and forces it to stop before it stops in the middle of nowhere, where it has to walk to a gas station to refuel it's inertia.
[edit] Teh Turtlenator
As everyone knows, turtles are made of sheer awesomeness, and therefore cannot be destroyed. That is why there is the Turtlenator. Just pull the trigger, and about 90 Googleplexillion EXTREME LASER-FIRING SNAPPING TURTLES at the target, when they hit the target, the target gets SO AWESOMELY DECIMATED THAT NOTHING CAN STOP TEH TURTLES, they just drive into oblivion decimating anything in their way. And that's why turtles, are SHEERLY AWESOME!!! so dont mess wit them!!!! they'll own mr.t!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Death
Kills you and everything else. This is what God used to create the universe. When God created this weapon, its effect was activated, and everything was destroyed. But, as everyone knows, God has ∞ lives (according to the God Principle). Its power can be called upon only by he who weilds teh turtlenator, which is next.
- Note: Everyone knows Infinity is simply a passed out 8. So god has 3.14 lives left.
[edit] The Poke of Death
While not actually a "weapon", it has been known to cause over 1,000,000,000 deaths. The user concentrates energy to his finger and pokes the target while saying "THE POKE OF DEATH HAS COME UPON YOU!" The user is also able to say "THE POKE OF DEATH" or just "POKE" which in effect causes death of unknown causes approximately 50 years later. The only recorded usage of this tactic was preformed by Chuck Norris. It also was also used on Chuck Norris himself at age 15, but to no avail, as he is currently 68.
[edit] The Stare
The Stare has the ability to cause others to intimidate people. Eventually, this leads to staring contests in which the strongest stare wins. The winner will have asserted superiority by making the other blink causing them to go home and beat their kids. Note: May lead to encounters with police, angry women, cats, firemen, jehova's witnesses, gipsies, and cats. WARNING: The following nounss can also use the stare: Care Bears, The Sun, God, The Other God, Oscar Wilde, and Walls. These are stair masters, if you beat them, you may end up hospitalized. Note: The Sun hasn't blinked since the Mayan's intermarried with aliens. Note: Oh shi--
[edit] The Cornflake Poo
This is when you eat about 600 bowls of dry cornflakes, take a dump, pick up the dump and proceed to throw it at your opponent. The cornflake poo is a very underrated weapon. Its jagged edges have been known to cut people. It could lacerate your face. LACERATE YOUR FACE!!
[edit] Poo-bag
The poobag induces a state of panic and hysteria in the target especially if they are a Neat freak the result is often funny and may even result in them calling out OMGWTFBBQ. It may also cause the neat freak victim to Asplode. it is simply a bag of Dog, Cow, or kitten poo. The latter being the most dangerous. "Cornflake Poo" above can make a good one too
[edit] Buzzer
The Buzzer is just a whole heap of broken pointy objects eg.Glass, Darts, Sharp Metal Points that fly through the air and attack whatever they see. The point is, stay the fuck out of the rooms that these things are in!!
[edit] Exploding Baguette
The only weapon ever to have been developed in France, this is strictly speaking a stealth weapon rather than a melée weapon, but it is about as near as the French get to a proper scrap.
“Bonjour, Monsieur le Nazi, ça va?"
“Ça va danke, ou se trouvent les Mädchen? Ich hab’ ein großen Boner!”
“Je vais les chercher monsieur. Eh bien, du pain?”
"Merci …"
"BANG!"
“Mweuheuhàhahàhahâhahaha!!!!! Son tête asplode!!!!”
Needless to say, it was quickly abandoned for fear of allowing a French victory.
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