List of alternative energy sources
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Oil is the most used natural resource. But in 5 minutes, it will run out. This is why recently you may have heard many time wasting, liberal freaks arguing for certain new energy sources to be used. To fuel cars, for example, heat homes, and feed Rosie O'Donnell. Below are but a few of the endless possible possibilities.
Using the principles and laws of Kitten Huffing this new type of energy was discovered, just like every bad Uncyclopedia joke, by Oscar Wilde. First, in the kitten factory, kitten workers huff the souls of man-made kittens and puke them into convenient pens which are used to sign contracts. The soulless kittens are then burned in a cauldron. The Kitten Juice is then fed to people who push cars. It also raises your body temperature to 300 degrees eliminating home heating needs.
edit Eating your own crap
This alternative energy source has been a theory put forth by fundamentalist Baptists who aren't pro-fun. They noticed that after taking a huge dump, they were exhausted. They concluded that there is energy in your own feces. They suggested that one should eat their crap and regurgitate it into heating appliances and cars. They noticed that the poo gets softer when one regurgitates it. This technique is widely used in the mid-west, mainly in the Deep South area. tim has good experience in doing this. he will be fine
This has also been suggested as a way to solve world hunger. When Sam Forgues rolls over, enough energy to heat 50,000 homes is produced.
edit Putting a tiger in your tank
Exxon has frequently campaigned for this revolutionary technique of chainsawing a tiger up and stuffing it into your gas tanks. This provides a clean tiger juice, also known as tiger blood, which fuels your car. Tiger juice is also a famous energy drink that has come under fire for changing your DNA and making your organs disappear. This technique also has its critics. They note the expensive price for a tiger and a chainsaw. But recently, the new Tiger and Chainsaw chain stores have made tigers much more affordable.
edit Burning paper in your backseat
Not really an alternative energy source, but you should try it.
After her stint on The Rosie O'Donnell Show ended, she blew a gasket or two to say the least. While in recovery deep inside the semi-private locked wards of the "Lesbonicly Inclined Wing" at Bellevue Hospital, adoring fan-girls continued to follow her about the day room; commonly greeting her (after lunch was served and manically devoured) in the usual required fashion - promptly bending over and sniffing in and around the general area of her mammoth butt-crack.
Rosie quickly developed a reputation for being "the queen of the fastidious farts" as well as a reputation for charitable philanthropy with regards to ever so generously allowing her literally fanatic but most definitely loony-tune fan-girls (and anyone else who happened by, whether they liked it or not) to whiff away, basking in her odorous glory at their leisure.
Always having asserted to anyone who'd listen, that she frequently suffered greatly from a rare but "painful-to-everybody-but-her" lifelong genetic condition known as "Bi-Weekly Uni-Polar Menopausal Flatulence Disorder" Rosie decided to sit down and write her first doctorial thesis. This document was later edited in its entirely (because she obviously can't put pen to paper for crap) and then penned into an unauthorized memoir entitled "Rummaging through the White Castle Dumpsters With Rosie" and subtitled "Man Oh Man, Have I got the Shits Now!"
Since the book only sold a record two hardcover copies (both of which she bought) Rosie decided to film her story. The result was "All Aboard! Rosie's Blew a Fart Fuse Cruise" a documentary film about the trip which subsequently debuted on the Weather Channel and was consequently nominated for three Emmy Awards for the category of "Inadvertently Funky Mocumentaries." In addition to this prestigious accolade; the Association of Running Against the Wind Proctologists (ARAWP) gave the film an extraordinary rating of "Three Thumbs Up the Butt Hole!"
After one of her particularly lengthy diarrhea farts set off the Bellevue Hospital's smoke detectors; the firefighters cleared the day room and took a reading. They could hardly believe; much less open, their eyes when the fartometer melted right there in their hands. After reporting the incident to the authorities at the local sewer plant, Rosie also received accolades from a group of passing Exxon Oil company scientists, who were literally astounded by the propellant possibilities of Rosie’s frequent flatulations.
Imagine a world where our unnaturally malodorous energy prospects are practically quadrupled for the meager price of a truckload or two (well, better make that three) loaded with steaming-hot White Castle cheeseburgers and a king sized Winnebago filled with French fries! The possibilities are positively endless!
edit Sega Dreamcasts
When the Sega Dreamcasts were officially pulled out of distribution 5 or 6 years ago, people were wondering what to do with the unwanted Sega dreamcasts. They decided that they work great in your car. Another noted benefit is that with the controller, you can control the fire that burns it.
edit Unwanted prints of Rob Schneider films (all prints of Rob Schneider films)
People noticed how unbelievably crappy Rob Schneider's films are. It has been said that watching his films is like swallowing a jug of oil. Using this principle, people decided that they should burn every print of his films. Then someone burned it in their gas tanks and noticed that their car flew really well. It has been said that when you put Rob Schneider in your gas tank, your car flies to hell.
edit Old People
Old People always follow us around wanting special rights and shit. Well, they're not your fucking mom. So the debate has raged on about what to do with the unwanted old people. One thing that has been suggested is to burn their medicine, then allow them to run around for a week without medicine. Then put them in your gas tank. But it is said to make your car act like an old person: demanding Medicaid, medicine, bitching, and all-around needing a walker.
Children have often been referenced as "America's greatest alternative energy resource." This is not, of course, due to the fact that, if properly educated and influenced, they can grow up to be great people who bring great gifts to society. Children's role as America's greatest natural resource is due to the fact that, when burned, their bodies can produce thousands of megajoules of energy that can be converted into electricity.
A single eight-year-old boy can produce enough energy to light up New York City for three minutes (while this may not seem like a very long time, keep in mind this is New York City we're talking about).
edit The Wayans-Baldwin Reactor
An early sketch of the Wayans-Baldwin Reactor can be found in Leonardo da Vinci's journals. It is an antimatter reactor that uses the most concentrated types of matter and antimatter known to man: The Wayans Brothers and the Baldwin Brothers. When brought together in equal amounts, Wayanses and Baldwins mutually annihilate one another in a biblically massive explosion of primordial pasta. The pasta is easily converted to natural gas by bacteria. This produces enough energy to power even such devices as time machines and Mega Drive vehicles.
edit The Jonas Brothers
Due to the fact that the Jonas brothers make pre-teen girls flip out of their minds and emit abnormally large quantities of unused energy, they can be used as pretty efficient car fuel. By simply getting the Jonas brothers to preform a three way orgy, they can give off an equivalent of 947382 trillion GAPS-EU Gay And Proud Siblings Energy Units that can power all cars in existence for 19 years. Also, in fact, any Disney teenage star when burned or boiled to a broth can make DT juice Disney Teenage juice strong enough to save humanity for another 7 years. ((It feels really good sometimes when I put my cock in a pussy))