List of Trekkism Stages

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Sterling

Stage 0: Also known as the infant stage. People in Stage 0 actually believe Captain Kirk has any qualities over Picard.

Stage 1: Often rerered to as the "sleeping stage". In this stage Star Trek is of no interest to the subject. The subject in this stage has to be awakened by the ultimate truth: Jean Luc Picard (more commonly known as the more awesome than Kirk) is God.

Stage 2: This is the stage in which most Star Trek fans are: they respect the fact that Jean Luc Picard(more awesome than Kirk) is God but don't worship him that much. These people are often called "Liberal Trekkies".

Stage 3: Now, the Trekkie-ness gets really out of hand. In this stage the Trekkie will not accept the laws and values of the country he lives in and only accepts the learnings of the Prophet McCoyhammed. They typically pray to an image of Picard anywhere from 5-10 hours a day and will dress like a member of the Enterprise at all times.

Stage 4: The typical trekkie who reaches this phase is thrown into an insane asylum minutes later. It occurs when a Stage 3 trekkie watches the episode when Picard gets turned into a Borg. Two things can happen at that point: they can accept that Jean Luc Picard is not God and move on with their lives, likely going into Star Trek rehab. Otherwise, they will sit in stunned silence for a few moments then go into an insane fit of rage and begin screaming nonsense about the Borg, the Enterprise and Walmart at the top of their lungs. They find the nearest blunt, heavy object, and go down to Best Buy and smash anything that vaguely resembles a cyborg.

Stage 5: If a Stage 4 trekkie evades arrest for long enough, they will move on to stage 5 within a few days. Stage 5 is characterised by removing everything from their lives that doesn't relate to Star Trek. Stage 5 trekkies worship Picard almost 24 hours a day and renounce the laws of their country, the Geneva convention, morality, and the laws of physics. They stay awake for weeks at a time by injecting themselves with Earl Grey tea every hour on the hour. Scientists estimate that only 1% of trekkies ever reach this phase, as most are discovered and sent to rehab in stage 4.

Stage 6: the Person will be VERY Dangerous! they will start tracking down Star-Trek Actors and Humping their brains to oblivion (or getting them drunk and touching their junk) they will destroy anyone who does not want to have sex with one of the actors so AVOID ANY TREKKIES IF POSSIBLE they are Very Very Rare so watch out! (PS - the signs of a trekkie are 1: a Virgin 2: do not date girls\guys and still live in their parents' basements when they are 45.

Stage 7: A Stage 7 trekkie realizes that being in Star Trek and in the modern world are mutually exclusive. By this stage the trekkie is obsessed with Star Trek to the point of becoming a serial killer if someone that looks like Kirk tells him to. Thus, they conclude that the rest of the world is wrong and proceed to destroy anything that doesn't have Star Trek labeled on it. Stage 7 is the most dangerous stage to civilians, as their hunger and exhaustion cancel each other out, That, coupled with large doses of caffeine, allows them to think clearly and do something really destructive, like steal a bulldozer, or release Grues into New York.

Stage 8: Stage 8 is the final stage of trekkie-ness. It only happens if a Stage 7 trekkie for some reason escapes arrest long enough. After weeks without sleep and having gone mostly insane, the trekkie targets a famous building or monument. They somehow conclude that the monument is an insult to Picard, and they proceed to try and destroy it using any means necessary, including bombs, hijacked planes, and super-grues. Contrary to popular belief, 9/11 was NOT caused by terrorists. It was really 2 Stage 8 trekkies who happened to be airline pilots. The government has realized the threat radical trekkies pose and has experimented with various methods to exterminate them. They tried numerous methods but decided it would be cheaper to let the public deal with them. Remember, only YOU can prevent radical terrorist attacks. So do the country a favor, kill any trekkies you know before they destroy you. They only SEEM harmless.

Stage 99: Stage 99 is the stage where the Trekkie discovers Picard is only best at looking like an infant and ordering hot water stewed in leaves, and diplomacy.

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