List of People who Always Appear when you Least Want Them to
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There are certain groups of people who have an uncanny ability to always pop up at the worst possible moment. Below is a list of these people and the sorts of situations under which they will materialise so that you can be prepared for their inevitable and extremely unwanted appearance.
The first and foremost person that will undoubtoubly appear when you least want him. Just when you thought you where in the clear. Just when you thought you'd gotten away with committing that sin, you hear arch angels shouting and look up to see His heavenly thumb to give you the smiting you deserve. That'll teach you to break the ten commandments. Next time, remember the 11th - DON'T GET CAUGHT!
All year, you've worked your arse off, helping old ladies to cross the road, holding doors open for complete strangers, keeping your room tidy, doing all your chores - the whole shabang. Then, when on the 24th of December, at 23:55, you slip up once and steal your little brother's sweets for a midnight snack, Santa comes down the chimney and catches you red-handed. Upon observing you misdeed, he decides to give your presents away to those scrounging orphans. Your pleas of "What about all that good stuff I did the rest of the year?" fall upon deaf ears. I mean literally - he's a very old man now, and all that snow plays havoc with his hearing aid. Next time, wait till AFTER he's been, for goodness sake!
Just when you thought your day couldn't get any worse, Chuck catches you desecrating a picture of his almighty self, and decides to deal with you appropriately. Still, at least he was in a good mood. If he wasn't, you'd be dead by now. Besides, look on the bright side - that hospital food isn't as bad as you thought it'd be!
Just when you thought your day couldn't get any worse than just a jiffy ago, Chuck Norris catches you AGAIN. Cuz he's Chuck Norris, and he can show up how many ever times as he wishes. He can show up before you even know that you least want him to show up.
Forgotten to do the washing-up? Want others to believe that you are a normal, independent adult? This is your mum's cue to enter and scorn you for forgetting your chores. You've only got yourself to blame.
Right when you're in the middle of masturbating that special someone, out jumps your dad from the bushes, donning full military-issue camouflage gear, brandishing a fully-loaded AK47. If your face wasn't enough to scare away that cute boy you met at that rave, then your father's oh-so-loving way of protecting you from the evils of this world certainly will be. Next time, stick to behind the bike sheds.
Yes, dog, I'm aware that I didn't shoot any of the ducks. No, your giggling is not endearing. You can knock it off. Okay, you know what, dog? I'm gonna shoot YOU! I'm gonna... what the heck? Why isn't this thing shooting? Oh, I see, you've figured out a way to disable my gun while you laugh at me. Well, you know what? This isn't over. They're gonna have to rename this game "Dog Hunt" by the time I'm done with you.
Having decided to take that big step of taking your relationship to the next level, you finally pluck up the courage to invite your girlfriend round for dinner. You think that it'll just be your parents there, and possibly your brother. Embarrassing, perhaps, but nothing you can't handle. Then, as you walk through the door, holding your girlfriend's hand, out pops pervy uncle Bob, announcing that he just thought he'd pop in to say hello. And boy is he 'friendly'! Never again will your beloved soulmate risk wearing clothes that are in the slightest way immodest. You can thank your dear uncle Bob for transforming your girlfriend from a sexy slut into a puritan.
When you'd be prepared to sell your soul, for whatever reason, the devil is busy doing the administration that goes with running a place a big a hell. But when you'd like to get into heaven, and are trying your best, but, like we all do occasionally, slip up, he pops up out of nowhere, video camera in hand, to record all the evidence necessary to get that omnibenevolent spirit in the sky to damn you forsaken soul for all eternity. That's just typical of the bastard.
Whenever you're being less that perfect, but think you'll get away with it, your brother is lurking, waiting to pounce and grass you up. Beware that rustling in the bushes, that shadow in the corner of your eye, and that feeling that somebody is watching you. For this is a sure sign that a little birdy will give your parents information that'll lead to you being sent to bed without any supper.
Similar to your brother, but much more deadly with her sting. Unlike her male blabbermouth equivalent, she won't go running to mummy straight away. Instead, she will bide her time, waiting for the most humiliating moment in which to let this litle titbit slip out into the open. In the meantime, she will blackmail you for all you've got. Only when you've nothing left to give her will she begin to seek the perfect moment to rat you out. I suggest you find some dirt on her, it's worth a shot.
Ha - you didn't expect to see him again did you? You'd rather that God showed up riding on that God Damned dog from Duck Hunt along with Santa and the Devil, don't you?
Should you ever be less than respectful towards coffin-dodgers, your granny will be waiting in the wings to wag her finger and order you to respect your elders. This shall be followed by her imparting a few pearls of wisdom, and will eventually end in her forcing you to eat some of her extra-regular cabbage whilst wearing that awful jumper she insisted upon knitting for you all those years ago that somehow still fits.
Should you ever break the law in the teensiest way, out will leap a whole army of officers, armed to the teeth, to slap a huge fine on you and lock you up forever. Even if there aren't any actual real police around, the CCTV will still record your legally dubious exploits. Remember: crime begins with thought. Crimethink is the worst type of crime. Avoid at all costs. Big Brother is watching you.
You're nowhere near cool enough to be getting yourself tangled up with the REAL mafia, so the wannabe mafia is after you instead. Have you noticed how that bloke you owe a fiver to only ever bumps into you when you're skint? That's one of the signs that you've got yourself embroiled with the wannabe mafia. They're really just thugs who need an excuse to beat you to a pulp. Hence they'll jump out and attack you at any moment when you're defenceless.
Should you ever become romantically involved with somebody else, you WILL be caught. It's only a matter of time. The moment your lips touch those of another's, your partner will appear from out of nowhere and demand an explanation. This demand will shortly be followed by your murder. Beware your partner - they're smarter than you think!
Just when you're enjoying life and really accomplishing something, out pops the grim reaper to end it all. Why couldn't he have come back when you were suicidal? Well, that would've spolit his fun!
All week, you work your arse off, never resting for even half a second. Then, when at 16:55 on Friday you decide that you can take things easy for the last few moments of the working week, along comes your boss, sees you slacking, and fires you on the spot. Looks like you'll be on the dole for the next few months...
Been a little creative on your expenses claims? Offshored more money than you should've? Well, the second your accountant makes the tiniest slip-up, the IRS will be on your case. Their pen is hanging above your head, waiting to seal your fate. Hey, if they caught Al Capone, then what chance have you got?
You're in a rush and have a thousand things to do today, so baulk when someone knocks at your door. Don't try slamming it in their faces - that just makes them angry. And you won't like them when they're angry. You find that you have no choice but to sit and listen to them spouting their crock of shite and read their dull leaflets.
If you should ever do anything that's not above board, your viacar, or some other god-botherer who goes to your church, will most certainly find out about it. Be prepared for the whole congregation to hear about your rowdy adventures come Sunday. All eyes will be upon you. But not to worry - just confess and repent, and all shall be forgiven. But don't forget to give a donation, or God might not be quite as forgiving as the members of the church
edit The grammar nazis
Also known as the comma brigade, these nit-pickers have a thing for literary perfection. Should you ever make the slightest mistake regarding your grammar, punctuation or spelling, the grammar nazis will reprimand you severely for it. Repeat offending will result in forced reeducation in a joycamp. It's for your own good.
Ever made an article that wasn't quite up to speck? Hoped that some other sucker would fix it for you, but allow you to take all the credit for coming up with the idea that lead to the creation of the now-legendary article? Well, along comes some admin to scupper your plans. They'll huff your article faster than you can say 'construction tag'. If you mention the cabal, they'll huff you as well. This is because THERE IS NO CABAL!
This man first came into the public eye after his autobiography The Great Gatsby became a worldwide hit. He will always appear when you are with your wife and steal her from you. If you are organizing a party he will appear and ask for an invite, but do you really want a man who drives a car shaped like a penis, pulling up your driveway? ... maybe you do.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
edit The Bobs
You finally reached the limits of tolerance and spray painted MICHAEL BOLTON SUCKS!, meaning the crappy singer, not your humorously named co-worker, in bright red paint on the wall next to the spot where the printer crash landed and shattered into barely identifiable pieces after you hurled it across the room when you could no longer stand it flashing PC Load Letter, whatever the hell that means, every time you tried to print something. Suddenly, you realize your TPS report is late and you still don't have a cover sheet. You're still standing there, laughing maniacally and clutching Milton's red stapler when the Bobs come in, and somehow you know this is not good for the company. But at least you didn't sleep with Lumbergh.
edit Aunt Renee
Previously married to Pervy Uncle Bob, she filed a divorce suit several years ago. He has managed to avoid this and is still married to her, despite bringing all sorts of semi-ugly chicks home with him to bang. She comes over every Sunday to complain. Every. Fucking. Sunday.
Yes, he does appear again. So deal with it.
edit Michael Jackson
Yeah, he tends to spy on all things with a penis. He is seen most with Nick Franklin, which is surprising because Nick Franklin does not have a penis.
edit Piano Movers
Whenever one is walking through the city in a nonchalant manner, Piano Movers often manifest overhead. Because the majority of them are ex-cons, they are not very well educated and typically dangerously clumsy. For whatever reason, be it bad rope, ineffective knots, or just general incompetence, the piano being moved will give way at the precise moment that a person is in position to be squished in a cartoon-like manner.