From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A lipstick is an innocent looking "cosmetic" item. Girls and pigs wear them for some reason. Variations include lip gloss and lip balm and kisses.
History of Lipstick (AKA "Whore Paint")
The Sirens, or Seahags, were the inventors of waterproof lipstick, eyeliner and foundation. They were desperate to look their best in seas of turmoil and despair. Their laboratory, located in the Bermuda triangle, is still the largest manufacturer of lead-based make-up in the world. In their initial experiments to create white foundation, black lipstick and black eyeliner, a discovery was made. The combination of these three products accidentally giving the wearer immortality, and sterility. Soon after, the production for these products were halted, but not before a number of Sirens, witches, and cross-dressers were affected.
Over the past few centuries, lead-based make-up has decreased in popularity due to death related side-effects. Modern lipsticks are not comprised entirely of fish scales and cow brains like many companies claim. Modern lipstick also includes the blood and saliva of euthanized ex-boyfriends who dumped their girlfriends because they wanted to give him a makeover. The makeup industry is a strong believer in irony.
When modern lipstick is created, the concoction has a drug-like effect, making factory workers and executives high. This is the reason for the high cost of their bizarre marketing campaigns, why there are so many colors that smell like purple. Different blood types (ex. A, B, C, D, E, etc.) are used to produce the various shades of sexy.
Some people believe that modern lipstick was first created after Laura Bush got dumped by her first boyfriend. Of course, her lips got all shriveled from lack of kisses. So she got her ex-boyfriend's blood and saliva and used her ancient family recepie, substituting the lead with blood.
Current Uses and Variations
Nowadays, the lipstick is still made in the same way. Realise that girls who have boyfriends never have lipstick, because their boyfriend IS their "lipstick".
Lip gloss is the same except that there is only a tint of blood, as most of it is saliva. Lip balm is blood+saliva+another ingredient that keeps the lips excited for ages. Hm, I wonder what that is.
One should never keep lipstick for over a day, because by that time all the ingredients separate and you're left accused of being a vampire. However, most lipsticks last less than 20 minutes anyway. What the fuck am I reading?
Uses for Lipstick
1. Potential signature on the mirror after a murder in the case that the murderer still wants to look creepy, but he's too squeamish to write the message in blood. 2. Tool for drawing a smiley face on one's tummy (using a belly button in place of a nose). 3. Excuse for a woman to run to the bathroom at first dates in which a creepy older guy has been trying to touch her womanly parts. 4. Perfectly accessible disguise for transsexuals. 5. And, of course, the less well known, ritual lip paint for females and gay actors. 6. As fake blood in low-budget European films that can not even afford Ketchup.
How to Wear Lipstick
1. Open the canister thing.
2. Somehow get the lipstick out.
3. Smear a layer over the lips. It's not called a LEP stick for no reason.
4. (This is the best if it's lip balm) Suck at it real hard until it's gone.
5. Throw the canister away. Looks like you've just spent all your money.