Lipstick-chavs

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“At least when you see a real chav, you can prepare yourself for the beating”
~ Archbishop Desmond Tutu
“Here, we eat their spleens”
“Very cute!!! Like little Pandas or...OW!..like...AHH!..a baby robin...OW! Stop hitting me!”
~ A very odd Burmese TEFL teacher


Lipstick-chavs, or "those laughable cock-ends", are chavs who, for some reason or other, have found themselves propelled into the upper-working classes. This usually happens when a profoundly lower-working class town loses its traditional industries to the empire building of insurance call centres. The Burberry donning masses then suddenly find themselves dressed in office clothes and driving to work in their own cars rather than joy-riding to the dole office. This is usually enough to convince the said chavs that they have become contributing members of society, rather than the plastic morons that others immediately identify them as.

edit How to spot lipstick-chavs

Lipstick-chavs succumb to many common behavioural traits, irrespective of gender. One example of such is the tendency to employ the "Oscillating glottal friggertive", an attempt to alter traditional chav speaking patterns with specific attention to an initial letter "h". Hence, whereas a normal person might say "Every happy heathen altogether hates angels", and a chav would say "Every 'appy 'eeven altogevver 'ates angels", the lipstick-chav falls somewhere in-between the two and would produce something akin to "Hevvery 'appy 'eeven haltogevver 'ates hangels".

However, there are several gender specific traits that have also been noted by observers. For instance, when making a call to or receiving a call from an insurance call centre, the operator will inevitably adopt one of three titles with which to address the caller; usually "mate" or "luv". The former of these indicates the male lipstick-chav, whilst the latter indicates the female. Use of the title "Sir" indicates that you have been put through to a call centre in India.

edit Dress

Lipstick chavette
Female lipstick-chav does the office lunchtime shopping in traditional costume.

The male lipstick-chav will usually select a George suit from Asda. He will have one suit, which he changes every three to four years, the colour of which will normally be black, or black with coloured pinstripe. Even when compared to other George suit wearers, the lipstick-chav will instantly be recognisable by his too long sleeves, too long trouser legs, too short cuffs, and a breast that could fit a grapefruit inside it. Occasionally, he will choose well, but the accident of his near respectability throws him into a state of a-composure, his attempts to appear comfortable in this alien garb not too dissimilar to those of a giraffe in a dressing-gown and flippers.

The female lipstick-chav, on the other hand, often seems to somehow get it right. The one give-away is her invariable tendency to forget to pull her knickers back up after visiting the office toilet.

edit Home life

Once back in the comfort of their homes, lipstick-chavs revert to type, and can usually be found with a can of special brew in one hand, a wrap of smack in the other, and kneeling in worship beneath a felt picture of Elvis dressed in wolfskins. The only pursuits which are likely to draw them away from this reverie are pig baiting, fighting with the neighbours, loitering, and joy-riding. Unfortunately, the police report that around fifty thousand vehicles were written-off last year by lipstick-chavs who had thought that they were taking without consent, but in fact were just taking the cars nearest to them, which were usually their own.

edit Habitat

The lipstick-chav is most often found in outer London suburbs. However, any urban regeneration project is likely to produce great numbers of this particular sociological curiosity. Notable examples include Ellesmere Port, Halifax, Middlesex, Essex, Obelix, the Matrix, and Coronation Street.

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