Lionel Messi
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[edit] Life before Football
Lionel Faggot James Philip God Messi was born on a dirt covered football field somewhere in Argentina on 24th June 1987. His father was seen running from the scene whilst precariously dribbling a football using only his left foot. This has led to speculation that Maradona is his father, and it makes sense due to their apparent lack in vertical elevation, and also the fact he can't play football all too well and doesn't pass Unsurprisingly, Maradona has proclaimed Messi as his 'successor' which is really just a loose translation of the Argentinian word for 'offspring'. The only problem is that nobody cares about the over complicated Spanish language. It is also speculated that he was Cristiano Ronaldo's slave. Messi prays to Cristiano Ronaldo 25 hours a day, if you see Messi point to the sky or his shirt after he scores... it's because he is dedicating it to Cristiano Ronaldo, not God or some syndrome research center.
[edit] Career
At the age of 7 minutes 28 seconds FC Barcelona, a ridiculously wealthy corporation run by The Man, noticed his talent with his left foot. This happened when, "A stray football hit his baby capsule and he precisely volleyed it straight back where it came from," a very relaiable source stated.
By the time he was six he (unknowingly) reached his peak height and burst into the youth team at Barca a few years later. His ability to dodge the mindless tackles of brutish (probably English) defenders grabbed the attention of people high up in FC Barcelona's management and he was consequently added to the first team. His Spanish First Division debut was against a team that nobody cares about and thus the name has been widely forgotten worldwide. Netting a few goals whilst displaying his unearthly talent gave the team fans high hopes that when he grew taller he would be able to display his talent on the world stage. Unfortunately, the only part of him that continued to grow was his hair, which seems to contain a natural layer of grease or other lubricant. This is also unfortunate because it makes headers a lot harder for him to do.
Despite this, he has shown enough talent in one foot to earn a spot as one of the best players in the world by placing second in the FIFA World Player rankings 2007, which is when a whole bunch of mentally challenged journalists vote on who is the best. This obviously means that only the players who are truly the best will win it *cough* *cough*. It is speculated that Messi will never win the FIFA World Player Award because he looks like a goblin compared to the Portuguese and Brazilian Gods known as Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka.
[edit] Skills, if you can call them that
Defenders around the world are mysteriously programmed to just suck whenever Messi is dribbling towards them, causing them to fall or get out of the way. Messi therefore, has no skills, but an advantage set up by his evil Sith lord father Maradona. Messi's most outstanding "skill" is his ability to maneuver his body at high velocity using only one foot whilst controlling a ball. How he accomplishes such a feat is beyond modern science. How his neck is able to carry the combined weight of his oversized nose and greasy hair is another of these feats. Scientists from the Discovery Channel have proven that the reason his neck can support his 10 ten nose is because of a 800 million dollar surgery (paid by Barceloners) that had a titanium rod implanted.
Because he only has one foot, stepovers are too difficult so he resorts mostly to crafty flicks and cuts to beat his opponents. Even though 'stepovers' are highly overrated, it is likely that his FIFA World player rival Cristiano Ronaldo will win solely because of them. Some opponents who have faced Messi have said that he is so hard to tackle is because when he runs his hair shakes in every direction, spraying an oily substance in their eyes and temporarily blinding them. This oil is said to have given to him by his former master Cristiano Ronaldo, and wanted by the Fat One to fry his French Fries his stole from Zidane's dressing room.
Due to his height Messi rarely wins a header and even when he does it still amounts to nothing as the ball slips off his greasy head before going harmlessly out of the field of play. At least he won't go bald from overusing headbutts like Zinedine Zidane. He has also displayed a developing skill in illegally fouling the ball with his hand.
[edit] Right Foot?
Throughout his career so far there have been rumors about Messi's right foot. Some spectators of football claim to have seen Messi's right foot. The spectators provided photographs (later deemed photoshopped) which have been shunned by everybody from the general public to the government. The spectators have subsequently been sent to the Guantanamo Bay detention centre.
Experts have since ruled out his right foot's existence because his left foot is so awesome
[edit] Life outside football
Outside of football Messi's life is a bit different to that of everyday people. He is required to use assistance such as booster seats and stools for reaching high shelves. This is the price he must pay for being Maradona's son. He has become an ambassador for short statured people who think that other people hate them or even give them a second thought. Apart from being the son of that short wierdo idiot Maradona, he is rumored to be the twin sister brother of Severus Greasball Snape.
[edit] Further proof of his heritage
As mentioned before, Messi's skill at hand-balling represent Maradona's infamous 'Hand of God'. We can now safely say that Messi is in fact the son of Maradona. Many Argentinians believe that because of this he is equal to Jesus, but it can be hard to understand why because Spanish is too complicated.
Messi again confirmed that he is Maradona's son when he copied Maradona's famous World Cup goal touch for touch by running half of the field through players to score with his LEFT FOOT. Plus they have both played for Barcelona. Think about it. MEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSI THE BEST VISCA EL BARCA !!!!!! BITCHEEESSS
[edit] Other Careers
[edit] Paper-boy
When he was young he worked as a paper-boy, delivering papers throughout Buenos Aires, where there are no road rules. Many of his fanboy cult believe that he developed his superb evasive abilities by dodging and diving away from crazy Spanish taxi drivers with huge moustaches for hours every morning.
[edit] Taxi driver
He drove a bike when he is young to earn extra income..
[edit] Facts
-He has an alternate ego named 'Tydi'.
-He still wears children size boot(s?).
-He goes to bed in a newborn wrap.
-His nose increases his aerodynamic value.
-His hair becomes an afro when he washes the grease off.
-His nose is in fact normal size, it just appears big on him.
-Your mum thinks he's cute.
-Some people think that his hair is the key to his abilities, much like Samson.
- He does not know that he is playing football...he is merly in his sleep..when he is a wake he woks for Lidel.
- In 2003, Lionel Messi won an academy award for his superb performance as Pippin in the The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Oddly enough, Lionel did not have to prepare much for the role, being only 4'8" and already having hairy legs and testicles.
