Lionel Messi

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Messi is saying here 'I was once that short when lying down'.

Lionel Andréa Messi (born 24 June 1987 in Rosario) is a football player who currently plays for FC Barcelona and the Argentina national team as a forward or winger and some times goalie.He recently played goalie for Barcelona during training. This proved to his Barcelona teammates they are useless and all they do every game is stand around. Experts predict the day Messi will play as all eleven men is coming nearer by the second. Considered one of the best midget football players of his generation, Messi shows it by his great skill with and without the ball, leading many people, as well as the great Madonna, to proclaim him as his successor, despite overtaking this status from Javier Saviola. He is widely regarded as the first best player after Cristiano 'pretty boy' Ronaldo and last before Wayne Rooney when it comes to looks.

edit Career

Dr.Seuss

Messi is a boy with the height of 5`7 feet that only has a left foot and can run beneath people's legs, hence the name little Maradona. Argentina are about to qualify for the FIFA World Cup to his potential and skill of his left leg with a ball. At the age of FC Barcelona, a ridiculously wealthy corporation run by The Man, noticed his talent with his left foot. This happened when, "A stray football hit his baby capsule and he precisely volleyed it straight back where it came from," a very reliable source stated.

By the time he was six, Messi had (unknowingly) reached his peak height and burst into the youth team at Barca a few years later. Messi's ability to dodge the mindless tackles of brutish (probably English) defenders grabbed the attention of people high up in FC Barcelona's management and he was consequently added to the first team. His Spanish First Division debut was against a team that nobody cares about and thus the name has been widely forgotten worldwide. Netting a few goals whilst displaying his unearthly talent gave the team fans high hopes that when he grew taller he would be able to display his talent on the world stage. Unfortunately, the only part of him that continued to grow was his hair, which seems to contain a natural layer of grease or other lubricant. This is also unfortunate because it makes headers a lot harder for him to do.

Despite this, he has shown enough talent in one foot to earn a spot as one of the best players in the world by placing second in the FIFA World Player rankings in 2007 and 2008, which is when a whole bunch of mentally challenged journalists vote on who is the best. This obviously means that only the players who are truly the best will win it *cough* *cough*. It is speculated that Messi will never win the FIFA World Player Award because he looks like a goblin compared to the Portuguese and Brazilian Gods known as Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka. But he won the FIFA World Player Awards in 2009 and 2010 for having the "messi"est room in the world. lionel messi is the best player in the world as it shows in his games playing for Barcelona.

A photoshopped image containing Messi's right foot

edit Skills, if you can call them that

Defenders are mind controlled by Messi, to make the defenders to just suck they would trip over there shoe lace and Messi would just walk through the field. Messi's most outstanding "skill" is his ability to maneuver his body at high velocity using only one foot whilst controlling a ball. How he accomplishes such a feat is beyond modern science. How his neck is able to carry the combined weight of his oversized [[nhies before he can get it in then he would go back to where he was standing and pretend he shot.

edit Life outside football

Messi's booster seat from the team bus

Outside of football Messi's life is a bit different to that of everyday people. He is required to use assistance such as booster seats and stools for reaching high shelves. This is the price he must pay for being Maradona's (secret) son. Messi has become an ambassador for short statured people who think that other people hate them or even give them a second thought. Apart from being the son of that short wierdo idiot Maradona, he is rumored to be the twin sister brother of Severus Greasball Snape.

edit Further proof of his heritage

Like father, like son.

As mentioned before, Messi's skill at hand-balling represent Maradona's infamous 'Hand of God'. We can now safely say that Messi is in fact the daughter of Maradona. Many Argentinians believe that because of this she is equal to Pesus, but it can be hard to understand why because Spanish is too complicated.

Messi again confirmed that she is Maradona's daughter when she copied Maradona's famous World Cup goal touch for touch by running half of the field through players to score with his LEFT FOOT. Plus they have both played for Barcelona. Think about it.

edit Other Careers

edit Paper-boy

When he was young he worked as a paper-boy, delivering papers throughout Buenos Aires, where there are no road rules. I always thought Buenos Aires was in Finland. I am going to kill that idiotic bar owner. Many of his fanboy cult believe that he developed his superb evasive abilities by dodging and diving away from crazy Spanish taxi drivers with huge moustaches for hours every morning.

edit Facts

• His nose is in fact normal size, it just appears big on him.
• Some people think that his hair is the key to his abilities, much like Samson.
• He has a Huge left index finger.
• He does not know that he is playing football... He is merely in his sleep. When he is awake he works for Lidl.
• His hair is cut very much by himself

...as a result it starts to represent either a mop or an imbecile in different lighting.

• 'Messi' is short for 'Messiah'