Linkin Park
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Linkin Park is the codename of a covert group of advanced scientists from around the world who have been performing experiments at the Sound Institute aimed at inventing a reliable audio-weapons system since 1996. Led by Professor Michael Shinoda, co-physicist Chester "The Molester" Bennington, awesome-o Rob Bourdon, and physicist Joseph Hahn. They first invented SuperXero in 1997, but no one respected their idea, then these academics published their newer findings and the first formulas they invented to explain them in October 2000. Their revolutionary new idea was called Hybrid Theory.
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Hybrid Theory
The premise of Hybrid Theory is very complicated. Basically, it first assumes that people who listen to extremely loud music are likely to have damaged hearing. It also assumes that people who listen to really angry music are likely to become really angry. Most of their experiments were aimed at finding the most ridiculous possible combination of sounds that were just barely within the parameters of what could be called music by most humans to become ammunition for their audio-weapons system, which was then turned backwards to check for Satanic messages and released as Warner Brothers cartoons records.
To create the most damaging music possible for their new audio-weapons system, they had to go outside the established parameters of the music industry. The scientists of Linkin Park settled on a musical style that was a hybrid between the two best *cough* kinds of music known to man: Rap and Polka. This is why their idea was called "Hybrid Theory".
The lyrical content of Linkin Park's work comprises two major themes: in the songs where Professor Chester Bennington is the lead vocalist, the subject matter is typically angst, disaffectation and alienation; in those where Professor Michael Shinoda is the vocalist, the subject matter is usually Michael Shinoda.
High Voltage
High Voltage is the power source of the audio weapons system's core. It comes at you from every side. It was invented when Professor Shinoda was digging in the crates. This was back when he was living in space - before the rat race, and before monkeys had human traits.
First, he mastered numerology and big-bang theology, and then he began performing lobotomies with telekinetic psychology. Being a somewhat religious and sentimental man that likes to nurture (as evidenced by his appearance in some music videos in a church), he invented the mic so he could start blessing it (with his spit while rapping) and began chin-checkin’ kids to make his point like an impressionist.
Many other men have tried to shake Linkin Park, but they twist Mike into double helixes and show them what he’s made of. This buckles his knees like leg braces and makes him say strange things like "instrumental-ness" and because of that, all of the emcees they hate him because he's not into that fake Karaoke copy bullshit, so he breaks their bones verbally with sticks-and-stones tactics.
Biographies
Current Band Members
There are six members of Linkin Park:
- Professor "Mike" Shinoda - (AKA "Spike Minoda"), Professor Michael Shinoda was raised as a classical ice skater. Then he was inspired by trainspotting - not the sport, but rather the Danny Boyle film. After that, he was hooked on music. He ate music, he slept with music, and he bathed in music. After years and years training to produce the ultimate sound, he found it. With the help of Demolition Specialist, Brad Delson, he found the right amount of "epic depth". Mike took a break, and went to art school. There he met Joseph Hahn. Joseph Hahn was good at art (martial arts), but then Mike made him buy a turntable. Joseph Hahn was actually once casted for the role as Vegeta in the anime "Nine Thousand", but instead the job was given to Howard Dean. Rob Bourdon, who is awesome, also founded Linkin Park. Feenux (Often confused with "Phoenix", wich is a crack-slum in Afghanistan and a bird that KFC uses for their treats.) was a guy in his dorm or something.... Chester was a guy who was on drugs most of his life. Shinoda recruited him because he wanted someone who could scream and whine and bitch. Thus the band was formed. Linkin Park existed.
- Professor "Chester" Bennington - (AKA Chester "Antelope-with-its-nuts-caught-in-a-vice" Bennington, Chester "The Molester" Bennington or Chestycough Benylin), he screams one moment, and then becomes soft, then he starts a Hitler-like speech in his songs. It was tough to get the Jews to like him. He taught Holocaust subjects in a very antisemitic way during his days as a Professor of Holocaust studies. He then became a Nuclear Scientist at the University of Linkin Park (before they tore it down and made it into a series of Christian Punk and emo rock bands) and began adding emo tones in Linkin Park's nerdy gangsta rap and DJ hit songs. Prior to Linkin Park, he sang songs about heroin with his previous scientific group, who had a plan to make a gas that made whomever smelt it high. It was called Grey Daze. Recently, he was claimed by a U2 cult to be the long-lost
brotherclone of Bono. "Clono", as the 'singer' *cough* ...referred to him.
- Dr. (or Prof. or Chairman or Mr. or Master or Senior or Happy Clappy Jappy Chappy [even though he is known to be KOREAN and not Japanese]) Joseph Hahn - Proved many things wrong and right. As mentioned earlier, a renowned physicist. Once debated Stephen Hawking (and totally kicked his ass) using a device similar to Prof. Hawking's box thingy that talks for him. (this device can be seen in live footage of Linkin Park. at least, I saw it when I saw them live.) Also proved the anti-Asian coolness theory wrong (but this theory had already been proven wrong by Jackie Chan, Jet Li, and Tiger Woods, yet until Dr. Hahn's contribution had been made, a small scientific sect still believed in it. This sect was comprised of Vanilla Ice... and no one else). Prof. Hahn also goes by the alias Chairman Hahn, as in his spare time he keeps an iron fist on communist China, while wearing a fluffy hat. Prof. Hahn is currently vacationing somewhere in Australia.
- Dr. Mr. Prof. Sir Brad Delson - Not actually any of those things. Little is known about Dr. Mr. Prof. Sir Brad Delson because he is one of the most unknown and unpopular members of Linkin Park (seriously who the hell is Brad Delson?). He just wandered in asking for change one day. Mindlessly plays the same notes over and over again because the others force him to, and beat him if he doesn't. He will frequently scream 'Bradical!' until Prof. Michael hits him with a guitar, then Prof. Rob throws acid at him. He also wears stupid huge-ass headphones that Chester made for him, in exchange for his soul.
- Dr. Dave Farrell - Sometimes called "Phoenix" or "Feenux" because the bastard can't spell. He plays bass or guitar, one of the two. You don't need to know because he's a fucking creep who has a phoenix tattoo on his back. Oh, he left the group before Hybrid Theory because he was tired of stripping in front of Jay-Z. He later came back because he missed abusing Brad and being raped by Jay-Z, wich is strange, bechose he had been doin' some real wack rap'n with some other dweeb in a band called Snax (According to a reliable source, he took it to door number two from him, too). His interests include putting buckets on his head, eating eggnog with his finger, and being a general idiot. In order to respect his Finnish heritage, he is often seen with a Mohawk hair doe.
- Professor Rob Bourdon - Perhaps wears the coolest hat of all Linkin Park members. He plays the drums and also has a goatee. He is known to be the youngest and most serious guy in the band. He totally kicks all the other members' asses with his shoes if they tell him to do something, especially Brad. He pwns the band with his excellent timing on exploding weapons shot out by Prof. Hahn. All the other guys envy him, though he is known to have sevant syndrome and really is quite dumb.
Former Band Members
There are three former Linkin Park members.
- Dr. Mark Wakefield - No one has a clue as to who the hell this guy is, but apparently he was in Linkin Park before it was called that, before an incident involving Brad, Michael, alcohol and some lengthy rubber tubes. After this incident, Michael realized they only needed one wigger, so he
killedfired Mark.
- Pastor Kyle Christener - He is one those mysterious people who just seems to come out of nowhere. He played the bass for Linkin Park (Hybrid Theory era) when
the traitorPhoenix was somewhere being raped. He got fired because he insisted on playing gospel music.
- PhD Scott Koziol - Stand-in bassist for Linkin Park (Hybrid Theory era) when Phoenix was off being raped. He is reportedly a whore, as stated by his site (www.bassslut.com)
- Weegee - Nuff said.
- The King -
raped and murderedfired after eating all the dinner.
Reanimation, Meteora and Projekt Revolution
After much initial critism, they decided to publish several more theories to explain apparent gaps in the original one. They succeeded in reanimating the project but were distracted by a bug in their new weapons system: some astronomical interference caused by meteors. This resulted in a new formula to overcome this difficulty, called "Meteora". This "Meteora" was often also referred to as Hybrid Theory #2. They used all of the same formulae and calculations in this theory, but slightly changed the name. Then they set up a world tour, with other fellow researchers. They called it "Projekt Revolution." Since the band is like 2/3 Asian, they didn't know how to spell "Project" properly. They have had 3 such tours so far, in 2003, 2004 and most recently 2007. In 2007 the "project" was co-owned by another group, one which specialises in being more emo and making potions that kills the one you truly love, then makes them rise from the dead every time the House of Wolves holds a "Black Parade". This potion is called My Chemical Romance.
Sadly, older potions discovered were lacking style and included Adema, Korn, Limp Bizkit, Cypress Hill, and Blindside.
Collision Course
They still weren't happy with how intelligent their theory was so they decided to dumb it down so that even poorly educated ginger kids could understand it, but being so fucking ginger they couldn't. After performing some very complicated algebra that is beyond the scope of this article, and having Jay-Z stand there and say 'yeah' and 'uh-huh' like the useless fucker he is, the entire Linkin Park Theorem boils down to this simple equation:
The New Weapon is Deployed
In July 2005, the military deployed the weapon in a top-secret secure facility called Fort Minor, the location of which is still classified. The test was reportedly successful. It was later on when the name of the project was recognized, the Rising Tied (as you can see once again, they spelt it improperly because Prof. M. Shinoda was head of this project, and he's Asian). It was a series of experiments done to gangsters to find the precise frequency to turn them into, "Linkin Park" fans. That's why Professor M. Shinoda assembled a team of rogue special co-op drop outs for hire, named Styles of Beyond, which was originally a name for a failed designer show, which was replaced by Project Runway. Styles of Beyond added the right amount of Gangster to a given amount of metallic emo-rap.
Minutes to Midnight
Construction began on a new doomsday weapon in 2005. Codenamed "Minutes to Midnight" and completed in 2007, it featured a new set of formulae. The weapon was unintentionally designed to favor a penis. This resulted in their co-professor in having several violent orgasms. The weapon was then re-designed in the form of sound waves, which were put into music CDs. (See also: Orgasmatron)
In an interview with one of those sites we never bother looking at, but somehow we found out this information, Professor Chester Bennington announced its music style through his newly found tears. "We are pulling away from that gospel music. We've always been a special kind of band and I think we really show that here. We're aiming to have the exact same music as Arcade Fire." Mike Shinoda then added, "Fuck yeah! We're gonna be so fucking messed up! Our music will be so fucking insane! Everyone will fucking love it! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! FUCK!."
As it turned, not all of them they did. Many students were embittered about about how their beloved LP had turned to such soft, sad whining, as opposed to, well, loud, angry and emo whining.
New Divide
One day when Mike was performing tests on "What I've Done" Chester Bennington walked in with the cloning machine that they used back in their old days to clone Limp Bizket songs. Mike decided that maybe Michael Bay would like another song for his next movie so he cloned "What I've Done". While cloning, the system went horrible wrong and the clone went evil. When "New Divide" emerged the band was shocked. It destroyed Linkin Park's lab until they finally agreed to put it on iTunes(the company that sells all of Linkin Park's weapons).
Linkin Park in Popular Culture
- The music for 99% of Anime Music Videos consists of Linkin Park. In their project "Breaking the Habit", the whole project was shown in Anime Form, and extremely hard to deciper other than the premiere use of the vocalist explaining the project while falling up and down a building.
- Their new project "What I've Done" was featured in the movie/documentary/propoganda poster: Transformers.
- Project "From The Inside" was the inspiration for children everywhere to run into the middle of a rioting street and scream in hopes the ground will rise in computerized effects. in an interview with Chester Bennington for it's lawsuit he responded "The song had parts about everything: Michael Shinoda, angst AND the pain inside. It was a new high for us"
Interview
Some interviews were made in the old and the new days of the band. This interview was taken in the Hybrid Theory (Meteora) era:
Q: So, how do you describe Linkin Park?
Chester: (Why have I become so numb?) Well man it's like this, see, I got a lot of pain inside, I need to get it out...
Mike: Need to get the pain out...
Q: There has been a huge reception to your style. How does it feel?
Chester: You see man, we are Linkin Park, but I can feel the pain inside.
Mike: I can feel the pain inside...
Q: This one is to Mike. Why did you have red hair when you first appeared?
Mike: Well, my hair is really awesome. It kinda reminded me of Dragon Ball you know, the fusion between Songoku and Vegeta has Super Saiyan 4?
Chester: REMIND ME OF MY PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With the creation of the new doomsday weapon, Minutes to Midnight, another interview took place.
Q: How can you describe this sudden change?
Chester: President Bush sucks. Matter of fact, all politicians do!
Q: Many people criticized Linkin Park for going emo style. Is that true?
Chester: Well, that's a lie. We aren't emo, but I never knew what it was like to be alone on a Valentines Day...
Mike: On a FUCKING VALENTINES DAY!!
Q: Were there any side effects on constructing Minutes to Midnight?
Chester: Yes of course. We all started wearing awesome rock clothes and other accessories. Did you check out my glasses on What I've Done and my so-completely-fabulous-but-most-definetely-not-gay shirt on Bleed it Out? Awesome!!
Mike: It was so fucking hard man! I had to cut my hair! Fuck! Then Brad let his hair grow! Fuck! Then Mr. Hahn rested in the whole album! No wonder the Japanese are lazy...WAIT!! FUCK! (laughs)
Q: Are there any future collaborations between Linkin Park and other artists?
Chester: Of course. We're thinking of appearing in High School Musical 7. I've heard the music there is similar to ours.
Mike: There and Metallica. Did you hear St. Anger? Fucking awesome album!!
Discography in a Nutshell
- Hybrid Theory EP: A guy rapping, a guy screaming and a guy with turntables.
- Hybrid Theory: Exactly same as the above but with more tracks.
- Reanimation: Remixes of Hybrid Theory.
- Meteora: Hybrid Theory with a different album cover.
- Live in Texas: Hybrid Theory on a stage.
- Collision Course: Hybrid Theory and some other idiot rapping.
- Minutes to Midnight: Not Hybrid Theory. This album was instantly panned by many people for not being Hybrid Theory.
- Road to the fucking Revolution: Not Hybrid theory, on a stage in front of a lesbian crowd.
Fun facts
- An anagram of their name is 'karp in kiln', which refers to Chester's hobby of preparing and cooking fish with pottery equipment.
- Linkin Park is really Limp Bizkit. It's true.(sometimes)
- They got signed to Warner Bros Records by accident when the executive that signed them heard a Linkin Park show less than an hour after being caught at a Limp Bizkit show. His entire mind turned to shit after hearing Fred Durst's awful groin-rubbing that he did not know what the hell was going on.
- The word for 'cock' in German is Hahn.
