Link (Legend of Zelda)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- This article is about the video game character Link. For other uses, see the Link disambiguation page.
“Well, it was soon after that fairy boy visited Big Brother's room. He cried out so loudly, Gorons on the other side of the city could hear him. It was something along the lines of, "Oh! Oh-oh! C'mon! Come on! Come on! Come on! HOT!!! What a hot beat!" Well, I think he said beat anyway. Anyway, soon after, the blond fairy boy leaves wobbly legged with and Big Brother comes out with a big smile on his face. Said he'd been dancing. Pfft... yeah, right.”
Link is a dangerous fairy boy and wanted criminal of The Hyrule Kingdom and The Greater Hyrulean Area, and has been charged with time-travel, murder, gambling, destruction of expensive vases, gorging on the hearts of fallen enemies, cutting lawns without permission, harassing the public over masks, rudely interrupting conversations, and Z-targeting with an unlicensed fairy. He is known to carry weapons which include but are not limited to; swords, arrows, grappling hooks, bombs, lamp oil, rope, magic nuts, a man-eating cap, and time-traveling ocarinas. IF YOU SPOT LINK, walk slowly away to your apparent appointment on the second day at 7:00 PM, and call the local authorities. Link will Z-target (sometimes even known to L-target) you for hints on his next move.
edit Early Life
Link showed signs of being a troubled child from an early age. Link spent most of his time breaking into houses (which often didn't have any doors) and making people uncomfortable by Z-targeting them. His troubled childhood was caused in part by being the only boy who did not receive a fairy from the Great Deku Tree for a long time. This led to the deep anger and resentment that built up Link's hatred for many years, causing a pent-up rage that resulted in his selective mutism, even after receiving an annoying fairy named Navi who could change colors depending on what crime Link was about to commit next. Later on, after he stole a midget sword from his friends, Link developed a more refined criminal nature and would relentlessly steal worthless rupees from clumps of grass and hurt innocent citizens.
Mido, the leader of the village, was another major factor in Link's troubled past, as he would taunt Link constantly on not being "warrior material," angering him greatly. Those who cannot play Zelda should remember him quite well, as Mido was the asshole that wouldn't let you see the Deku tree, rendering the game a complete piece of shit. This hurtfulness towards Link is suspected to be because Mido was jealous of Link's platonic relationship with Saria, a cute green-haired girl, and the fact that The Deku Tree liked Link more anyway. The reason behind Saria's dislike of Mido stems from his lack of cleanliness. When asked to shower he would cry, but he could not for he "had" to protect the Deku Tree. When Link later came to the entrance with the required items, Mido cried in frustration but let him in anyway. He later blamed Link for The Great Deku Tree's death, which was probably Link's fault anyway. Link somehow manages to reincarnate himself every few decades (or every time Shigeru Miyamoto wants more money).
edit Criminal Years
After getting kicked out of the village, Link began his first and ultimate criminal endeavor. Link used time travel through the ocarina of time given to him by Zelda to mess up the timeline of the Zelda games. As a result of his mischief, he broke the third wall and many obsessed fans have been repeatedly frustrated on the true chronology of the Zelda games, as the Skyward sword has become the last game in the timeline, and Ocarina of Time became the first game, thus resulting in the split timeline of Wind Waker and Majora's Mask, each following Adult Link and Child Link's adventures respectively. Many sleepless nights have been spent by Zelda fanatics, a plus for Link.
Due to the trouble Link caused, the time traveling has repeatedly and continually warped the past, causing dispute on whether Ocarina of Time is even the beginning of Link's misadventures, as Link even appears in the early days of Hyrule, hundreds of years before he was even born. Damn you Link!
edit Childhood Timeline
Link made two separate timelines for himself so he could cause double the trouble, being present in two parallel universes at once.
edit Majora's Mask
After Link messed up the timeline of Hyrule, Zelda foolishly decided that Link should return to his childhood after he defeated Ganondorf Dragmire, a kindly man who had the unfortunate luck of turning into a wild hog. Zelda sent Link back to his past with the mistaken notion that he should make up for his lost childhood or whatever, despite the fact that Link detested his childhood and was perfectly fine with staying as an adult, for he was having more luck with the ladies.
After being forced to return to his time, Link decided to find himself and did some soul-searching by volunteering to collect masks for a local play. After fruitlessly searching for masks in the woods and becoming sick from eating Deku nuts, Link met a local drug dealer by the name of Skull Kid, who offered him weed. Link, who never said no to a nice, relaxing high, gladly accepted the joint and immediately proceeded to trip balls. Unfortunately, Skull Kid got the weed from some shitty Business Scrubs who had mixed some crack and Toilet-O into the reefers, and the hallucinating Link was surrounded by images of Deku scrubs. He became enraged when upon thinking that Skull Kid turned him into one, and began attacking him relentlessly.
After pummeling the poor drug dealer, the still high Link reached nirvana in which he believed that he saved a fantasy land called Termina from an angry moon with a permanent grimace on its face. However, Link did no such thing, and actually wandered around Hyrule for quite a while until coming off his high. He celebrated his non-existent victory over the moon by retiring to a bar and gluttonously ate fried Cuccos for the rest of the day. Interestingly, while the events of "Termina" lasted three days in Link's mind, the actual high only lasted several hours, proving the magical power of drugs.
Although its existence is disputed, Termina does exist as a fantasy world within a fairy boy's mind who lives in another fantasy world. To book tickets to Termina, one only needs to enter Link's sick, sick mind. God help the poor bastards that are willing to take that road...
edit Adult Timeline
Link, after defeating Ganon, returns to his own time in Ocarina of Time. The dumb bitch Zelda forgot that Ganon would most definitely come back after being defeated, as there is an unstated rule of the universe that Ganon always comes back however many times Nintendo damn well pleases, and with no one to stop him, the gods become angry and start pissing all over the place, flooding Hyrule and beginning the events of The Wind Waker.
For some stupid reason another Link is born hundreds of years after Hyrule is flooded even though he is obviously still in his child timeline, meaning this bullshit reincarnated Link is an imposter. Him and an alternate disguised Princess Zelda sail around on a boat and terrorize islands. Ganondorf comes back and then is once again, brutally stabbed in the head by Link. Thousands of rupees are stolen. But it does not stop there, children. Upon defeating Ganon, this Link also caused the Kingdom of Hyrule (Along with any evidence of murdering Ganon) to be destroyed on the ocean floor. Goddamn green-tunic-wearing ass-hat terrorist. Link is a bitchhhhh.
Years after the events of Ocarina, Hyrule has degenerated into an 8-bit land of old hermits living in caves and a straggling economy run by rip-off merchants due to an unknown cataclysmic event. Link appears in a field and begins his quest to save Zelda once again, blowing up the entrances to innocent people's homes. End of story.
Link has expert swordsmanship and has an arsenal of weapons assigned to a variety of buttons. Under no circumstances should you meet him, as he will senselessly beat you and smash your pots.
Link also has the ability of not talking. Unfortunately, Navi does not.
Link's attire varies, for he has been known to wear several tunics of different colors which include, but are not limited to, red, green, blue, purple, and even the fashionable bright teal (depending on how shitty your TV is.) The color of his clothes was the subject of some wild guessing, as they were usually soaked in the blood of his unfortunate victims. However, the above photo revealed that his clothes are green.
Link has often been accused of being an elf, due to his pointed ears, small stature, green clothes, and yellow hair. He is not an elf.
Link has also hidden in various disguises (which he calls "masks") of Gorons, Zoros, and Deku scrubs. He reportedly has stripped these poor creatures of their skin and masquerades about as them.
edit Whereabouts And How To Deal With Him
If you see this boy, call the local guards, and hide in your house with the door barred. Of course it doesn't matter because there's a key anyways. In this case it may be useful to break up said key for your two-inch-thick doors, perhaps giving it to a monster of sorts to guard. Under no circumstances should you leave an item capable of defeating your monster lying in the same dungeon. The next precaution is to plug all holes that Link can shrink into with his Minish Cap. Seal all the windows with airtight, bulletproof Lucite. Finally, remove any mounted painted wooden targets on your walls, as well as any ivy and ladders. If you possess a one-time use secret passage, for God's sake, use it before he does! Take any wooden treasure chests off your roof, instead use steel treasure chests, as Link has been known to be able to grapple onto those as well. Just in case he gets to it, fill the chests with liquid nitrogen spray that freezes anything into ice upon contact. Feel free to substitute a powder keg or angry Goron. If all else fails throw a Cucco at the boy. Cuccos are said to be Link's only weakness, aside from fairy porn, for he is known to be tempted into torturing these poor little creatures until they go batfuck crazy flying everywhere pecking Link to death. The most frightening aspect of Link is his ability to teleport and instantly kill anyone within a 10 foot radius. For more information on this see his insatiable appetite for needless destruction.
At no time whatsoever should you let Link Z-Target you. If you do, every projectile will hit you, or be thrown in your general vicinity. You can prevent this by... Hell, you can't prevent it. Unless he's using the generic Fairy Z-Target, in which you can just crush the fairy in your hand, which will be easy, since all it does is fly around you in needless circles. However, Link may also try to L-Target you, which is in no way related to Z-Targeting and is much more deadly, as a pointy arrow is situated above your head and might poke you. However, for no reason whatsoever, it is just as simple to prevent as Z-Targeting. You know when you have been Z-Targeted (or L-Targeted):
- If an extremely annoying fairy is flying around you.
- If said fairy is changing colors above your head.
- If there are cross hairs fixated on you.
- If you have an arrow protruding from your chest. In which case it is too late for you.
- If your useless items, such as "Worthless Rupees" or your still-beating heart, are missing.
- If a grappling hook has stolen your possessions.
- If Link follows your movements with pinpoint precision.
- If the view around you suddenly goes wide-screen.
- If you hear a strange booping sound.
- If you get a sense of impending doom.
- If Link raises his shield against you while weaving back and forth.
- If Link starts to encircle you and you have no fucking clue why.
- If you see the word ATTACK flash on the bottom of the so-called game screen.
- If time freezes and Link's fairy gives a short description on how to kill you.
- If Link has attached himself to your torso via a grappling hook. In which case it is too late for you.
- If the music changed to a slightly more threatening tone.
- If you're being repeatedly tapped with a stylus.
- If a suit of armor with a large sword is walking towards you along a yellow line.
- Link will sometimes be frustrated by his frequent inability to kill innocents. Use this momentary distraction to run away.
- Try killing his fairy, which he uses to Z-target.
- You can bore Link to death with monologue about near-useless information regarding your pitiful life.
- If you manage to kill Link, he can still return to the dawn of the first day and stalk you down until he finds and kills you.
Reward! Link was last seen heading towards Mexico and was wildly raving something about the "twilight". (Even though this report supposedly happened at dawn.) Any information leading to the capture of this dangerous criminal will be rewarded with a thousand spankings of love or a thousand worthless rupees.