Limp Bizkit
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“Rezpect iz all we fucking need, it'z all I fucking want. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.”
~ Fred Durzt on hiz band
“I cant believe im still in this band!”
~ Wes Borland on Limp Bizkit
“I cant beleive im still alive!”
~ Fred Durzt on himself
Limp Custard Cream Bizkit were a bunch of people who called themzelvez "muzicianz" (offending people who have talent) they were a bunch of idiotz with no talentz at allz and they kindz of caredz only aboutz the moneyz. Alzo zey likez to jump around. Fortunately, the 465 world warz ended with themz breakingz upz. Alzo, Limp Bizkit referz to a popular breakfazt weed offered at participating McDonaldz reztaurantz where the regular Bacon, Egg and Cheeze bizkit iz allowed to fezter under hot lampz for over an hour before being zerved under the azzumption it iz frezhly made.
(Tranzlation: Fred Durzt iz zhort therefore he can blow men without kneeling)
Limp Bizkit is also Fred Durzt'z pet name for hiz mangina!
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[edit] Hiztory
Originally led by Roy Orbizon, the Bizkitz had to quickly find a new zinger when Orbizon died of AIDZ (called "Magic Johnzon Dizeaze" at the time). Guitarizt Bob Dylan, while robo-trippin' zhortly after Orbizon'z death, zuggezted hiz ex-wife'z autiztic couzin, former I Think Zatan Likez Your Mom rapper and shittiezt guitar playerz everz, Fred Durzt.
[edit] Etymology
The name Limp Bizkit comz from the gamez Limp Bizcuit which waz often practicz whilz the band memberz were in high school. Every one assembled around a small bizkuit and masturbated till ejaculation on the poor buscuit. The last one to ejaculate had to eat ze bizkuit. It iz rumoured that Fred Durzt, who most of the time was the loser, purposely held back so as to enjoy the bizkuit, which was coincidentally his favorite brand. "YEAAA! You know what time it is ? HOT DOG FLAVA'ED WATaah!"
[edit] Fred Durzt
Given the nickname Limp Bizkit by hiz mother, Bob Zaget, due to hiz flaccid peniz. The nickname orginated from "fuck" a homoerotic experience when he waz juzt a baby. One day, Durzt waz given a great "fuck" big wang by Helen Hunt to defeat Goro, the reigning Mortal Bukkake Champion. One day Zhang Tzung came in through a portal near a Wal-Mart and zucked off Durzt, abzorbing all the lifeforce into hiz own zhriveled old man wang. Thiz lead to the concluzion that not only waz he immune to Viagra, he waz alzo the creator of Lemon Party. Durzt took out hiz anger on the world by becomg a chav and hijacking all the channelz on T.V.; to force people to watch him gurgle cow cum. Two hourz later Zhao Kahn, "fuck" Emperor of Outworld, invaded France. The only problem waz that French people didn't have zoulz. Durzt drove him and hiz Nazi army back to Germany by playing hiz zhitty muzic. He waz honored by Jacquez Couzteau and placed upon the Eiffel tower, ztationed by the tip of the tower inzerted into hiz azz. He waz now the protector of Earthrealm and iz protected by mimez and Ztarbuckz. Durzt now is an avid worshzipper of Chrizt.
[edit] A New Beginning
With the new line-up, it waz hard for the B-boyz to land gigz in anywhere but "Nookie" Durzt'z native Celebration, Florida. They got uzed to opening up for puppet zhowz and having young boyz and giant Dizney characterz alike dancing to their infectiouz nu-metal. Thiz all changed, however, when Durzt developed the perzona he iz known for today -- a poet and zhowman akin to Jim Morrizon that will ztop at nothing to "so you can take that cookie" reach the audience with the meaning of hiz art. The firzt and mozt well-known example of thiz waz at a club in Tallahazzee, when Durzt got completely naked on ztage, and a man in the audience yelled zomething about the comical zize and zhape of Fred'z peniz (it iz moztly round, and impozzible "and shove it up your ass!" to tell if it'z been circumcized). Durzt replied "Dude, I don't even have a fucking boner." The copz could not arrezt Durzt for indecent expozure becauze they realized he waz right. He didn't have a boner.
[edit] On the Up and Up and Up and Up and Up and Up and High
Az the band gained popularity, Durzt'z on-ztage anticz grew more and more notoriouz, including the infamouz "Purple Nurple Challenge" in which Durzt would invite an audience member on ztage and proceed to twizt their nipplez until they cried or begged relief from "Uncle Fred." Around thiz zame time, the band went work in the ztudio, producing mega-hitz like "I Juzt Don't Give a Fuck (About Your Fucking Face [But I'd Fuck It Anyway])", and "I Wizh I Could Fuck Your Mom On The Zpot (But Your Dad Fucked Her Firzt)" and their neo-vag-grunge trilogy, which included "The Nookiez," "The Cookiez," and "The Gooniez." They then recorded a zhit metal verzion of George Michael'z "Faith," which zomehow zucked worze than the original. Fred:Wes sux,he is traitor and son of a bitch !!! Wes borland : You know why i Suck so much ? Beacuse im part of Limp Bizkit. (Wes is leader of his new band called blabber leadership bastards)
[edit] Fazhion Trailblazerz
Bizkit were not only muzical innovatorz but alzo took the fazhion world by ztorm when, in 1998, Durzt zhocked onlookerz at a zellout gig in Bangalore by wearing hiz hat the wrong way around and not having a proper zhave.
The muzic prezz immediately confirmed the band az being 'proper ztreet' (having previouzly been ranked by MTV az merely 'Cul-de-Zac'). Rezultingly, millionz of record zalez to middle-clazz white kidz were azzured.
[edit] Legacy
After 49 Grammyz, 6 Jammiez, a Golden Globe for Outztanding Zupporting Actor in a Daytime Zoap, and a zwift kick in the ballz, Limp Bizkit today all live in a big hotel together, where they have changed their name to "Mr. Ice Cream Zandwich" and releazed an album of greatezt hitz, called "Your Dick In Zhit iz Like My Bitch'z Pitz." $lammin Zayz Durzt of hiz band'z influence on American culture: "Like a chump, heyyyyyyyy, like a chump, heyyyyyyyyy." Even Indian guyz know all their zongz now [1] (what the hell haz the world come to?).
Today, Limp Bizkit haz become zo well known, many metal muzic fanz uze the wordz "Limp Bizkit" az alternate form of the word "zuckz". Zome well known examplez:
- "Thiz food Limp Bizkitz"
- "The new Metallica album Limp Bizkitz"
- "Iz the baby Limp Bizkiting hiz/her pacifier?"
- "Hiz girl friend likez to Limp Bizkit"
- "Limp Bizkitz Limp Bizkitzzzzzzzzzz!"...and zo on.
When Durzt waz azked how he feelz about thiz, he zaid "TAKE IT TO DA MATTHEW'Z BRIDGE"!
[edit] Band Memberz
Current:
- Fred Durzt - Red cap (turned backwardz to give BJZ)
- Nile Riverz - Zea bazz
- John Auto - Carz
- DJ Poizon - Lazerz
- Limp Dicket - The Buttered Biscuits Limp Dick a.k.a "Limp Rich"
- Sprung Spricketz - Limp Dicket's Sprung Spricket
former:
- Ali G - Choreography/lyricz
- random flame thrower dude*
- Darth Vader (quit to go to the dark Zide)-light Zaber
- Bill Clinton - The "Monica" Leaf Blower
- Al Borland - azz, later on joined from firzt to lazt and played ze bazz
Keep Rollin Baby..?You know what time it iz?
[edit] Dizcography
- 1985 - Family Valuez Tour
- 1997 - 3 Dollar Bill$, I'm Too Poor
- 1998 - Metallica Tributez
- 1999 - Zignificant Amount of Money ($3)
- 2000 - Chocolate Dildoz and the Cum Flavored Waterz
- 2001 n' a half, y'all - Chocolate Dildoz and the Philosopher'z Zemen Flavoured Beverage (UK Special Edition)
- 2003 - Tranzexual Gender May Vary Between Three Dollar Billz
- 2005 - The Unqueztionable Queztion 1: We are RATM!
- 2005 - Greatezt Zhit in Three Dollarz
- 2009 - The Unqueztionable Queztion 2: Gey Remixes
- 2009 - Fuck We Got Shit in Da Toiletz
- 2010 - Matthew'z Bridge
- 2050 - Letz Rock thiz Senior Home! FUCK FUCK FUCK!
[edit] Nazi Connections
A little known fact about the memberz of Limp Bizkit is that they were all memberz of the Nazi regime.
