Limerick
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- This article is about the city. For the form of poetry, see Limerick (poetry).
Limerick is a city in the south-west of Ireland, with a population of approximately Chinese people and knackers. It is the capital of Munster, Ireland, Poland, Greece, and Burundi. All of this information is both true and arousing. Contrary to Frank McCourt's autobiography 'My Autobiography by Dolores Keane', Limerick is a thriving metropolis noted for its smasmortion clinics and lack of rain. Limerick is in fact drier than Margaret Thatcher's cheesy wotsit.
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[edit] The Virgin Mary Incident
Limerick made headline news in 1983 when it was discovered that local girl Mary O'Donnell, 13, was in fact a virgin, despite her brother Daniel's best efforts. According to parish priest George Georgeson, "Jaysus!". An angry mob assembled in Dublin and marched down to Mary's hometown to "set her straight", but all died of exhaustion and sexual frustration on the 2 week journey. This incident was subsequently the basis for the cult comedy 'Alive', the Pearl Jam song 'Alive', and the Michael Jackson short story "I'm Alive...oh, wait..."
[edit] University of Limerick
“I sleep in a bed of money.”
The University of Limerick is a medium-sized creche facility built out the back of the very popular Maxol store off the Groody Roundabout in 2006. UL President Don Barry made his fortune from the "Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Man" action figure, but lost it all when Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly sued for image infringement. The University is home to over 1 building, including the Main Building - an enormous concrete maze which many have been seen to enter but never to exit. Legend has it that a Bermuda triangle exists in its central square. According to Don Barry, the University may soon offer degrees alongside its famous 'student experience'. UL is the breeding ground of Ireland's smartest man and most elligible bachelor, Wille O'Dea TD partner of founding president Dr. Ed Walsh. The Huffington Post reported in 2008 that "This comment is not about the University of Limerick," an inherent paradox. The University offers programmes in Business, French, Pedestrian Studies and Defence Against the Dark Arts (otherwise known as "BA Irish Music and Dance"). UL's most famous graduates are Jedward reaching previously unattained levels of success for UL alumni.
[edit] Moyross
“Concrete jungle where dreams are made.”
Moyross is the Beverly Hills of Limerick, home to many celebrities, players and haters, as well as several large geese. The area's name is widely associated with wealth, prosperity and people called Ross. It is home to Ireland's (and therefore the world's) largest balaclava factory. The factory was subject to a spate of break-ins in 2005 (referred to by locals as 'Titanic 2'), which ceased when all the would-be burglars discovered they were already wearing balaclavas and therefore didn't need more. All subsequently died of irony. It is rumoured the anti-social behaviour prevalent in Moyross gave rise to the city's nickname 'Stab City', however this is a misconception: the word 'Stab' refers to a pioneering and very humane abortion technique perfected by Limerick greengrocer Brian Cowen.
In 2009 the French briefly believed they had jurisdiction over Moyross, until Taoiseach Paul O'Connell pointed out "Y'all be trippin', boys. Anyone have a glass of milk?" Moyross has been the scene a bitter feud between Limerick's two most powerful families the Kardashians and the Cowell-Walshes, sparked by a cricket game which went tragically wrong, leading to an outbreak of malaria. Gangland-Crime reporter Donal McIntyre visited the families in 2009 to discover the cause of the feud, only to be forcibly removed from the premises by the Cowell-Walshes fearsome, muscular bodyguards Jedward. This incident is documented in the compelling 'Limerick Uncovered' series.
[edit] Limerick Night Life
Once a month the city-wide ban on alcohol is briefly lifted to allow the citizens of Limerick to enjoy a glass of Pinot Grigio in accompaniment to their gourmet Superdine meal, in a practice known as "gettin' shit-faced." Many follow this up with a trip to one of the city's many fine ballrooms, such as Trinity Rooms (affectionately known as 'Trinners' or 'Trooms'), Angel Lane ('Anal Pain') or The Icon ('Crap Nightclub').
These evenings allow Limerick's most glamorous residents to showcase the finest modern fashions, with many of the most popular fashion trends (such as the tracksuit-legs-tucked-into-dirty-white-socks-and-runners look, currently taking Milan by storm) originating in the city. Such evening festivities were prohibited in Limerick for many years after a Garda investigation uncovered a young couple using a dancefloor as the starting point to a sexual encounter later enacted in the legendary Plassey Village. One local woman remarked of the incident "This particular event certainly either did or did not occur." The ban was lifted in 2005 by a particularly strong man.
[edit] The Swan Disappearances
It has been well documented in recent times that the ongoing problems in Limerick City are a cause for major concern. Yes, the family feuds add to the troubles, but the main problem is the sudden disappearance of the swans from the majestic river Shannon. Local businessman Concy Ryan posed the question 'Who the f*ck is stealin' all our birds?', something which has been investigated, main suspects are the Polish community. When head Pole Brazcaz Lavicolvascovskyvich was questioned, he had this to say: 'What is problem? In my country we lika these birds to eat. They very nice. I like sex too, it's nice'
[edit] Sports
“The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.”
Limerick is famed for its sporting traditions, with Limerick residents devoting a great deal of time and support to sports such as Rugby, Golf, Quidditch, Cheese Rolling, the Caber Toss and Badly Synchronized Yoga. Volleyball legend Diego Maradona was born in Limerick in 1935, despite the strenuous efforts of smasortionists. It is also worth noting that while the legendary Charles Dickens novel 'Great Expectations' has nothing to do with Limerick, the double-legendary Shakespeare play 'Othello' doesn't either. Notable Limerick sporting achievements include Uruguay winning the 1934 World Cup, the UL Yoga team winning bronze medals at the 2004 World I Spy Championships, Don Barry winning the 1999 Royal Rumble and Bono being stripped of the Nobel Peace Prize when it was discovered that he had never been given it in the first place. Limerick people also share a special affinity with the Munster Rugby team. Notable past players include Jesus Christ, who captained the team in the Under- 19's school's interprovincial championship in 1987, which they went on to lose. They are currently captained by Paul O' Connell, a mythical being believed to be the illegitimate lovechild of Chuck Norris and a glass of National Dairy Council Approved Milk. Brian O'Driscoll in fact originally hails from Shannonside, although he was banished forever after it was revealed he frequently skips the queue at his local credit union.
[edit] Travelling Community
“Will ya buy a carpet boss?? Gimme a Euri? ”
In recent times the 'travelling community' have decided that they have had enough "traviling" even though they don't seem to be moving anywhere.
