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“Black gold, Texas Tea”
“You mean we ain't in I-Rack anymore?”
Lima, Ohio is the most shallow piece of corn land between Wapakoneta and Fort Wayne. It also produces the most insanely stenchworthy oil in all of the United States, known as "Armpit Crude". The land was once settled by the rich and wealthy Shawnee Indians, who moved to Chicago to build the Sears Tower and own Da Bears. Lima would go on to give birth to Chocolate Milk.
Founder John D. Rockefeller, a hero of George Bush, bought the land in 1818 to plant a row of beans and raise a cow or two. But while he was cultivating the ground, he hit this black running flow of water. Thinking of his childhood tales, he proclaimed it the site of Willy Wonka's factory. He even went as far to have his 2 cows drink the new flavored water.
A few days after the entire farm was covered in this slippery substance, his cows were producing what he thought was "Chocolate Milk" which he was hoping to sell back in his native Cleveland. So upon trying a drink of this, he then realized it was far from the chocolate flavor he so desired. Instead, it had a nasty bitch
smell, almost as if his wife hadn't bathed in nearly 3 years.
He then brought in a few close millionaires from Cleveland, where they discovered it was crude oil. They agreed that the land would be valuable for years to come and decided to settle his 20 acre farm. After dinner with his freshly bathed wife, he asked her what they should name the new city. She exclaimed, "I dont know, we're Lost In Middle America". The acronym for this, Lima, caught on.
Only a few short years later, they began drilling for black water and planting bean stalks around the town square. The beans would be later known as "Lima Beans." "Beanie" also happens to be the city's mascot. To this day, Liamites still aren't sure if their prosperity owed to the billions of dollars of armpit oil or the few stalks of beans from 1825. Either way, the city grew exponentially throughout the 19th century.
edit The 1945 Big Boom
Still not sure if the fat lady was exercising or fire was ignited in the nearby oil farm, but something went KABOOM in 1945. Nearly 5 city blocks on the south end of the city went up in flames. Many blame the gaseous explosions on one too many biscuts at KFC, but owner Yum Brands has declined to comment.
edit The 1970's
In 1973, the economic collapse of Lima began. Once a prosperous community of over 100,000 humans, close to a million rats and a few stray cats and dogs, the city lost nearly half its population with the closing of various plants.
In 1979, the current mayor was elected at the ripe age of 96. David Berger, a direct descendent of John D. Rockefeller, has served as the mayor ever since. During his administration, he has been personally responsible for the loss of nearly 10,000 residents. Also in 1979, he opened up the water supply to the residents of the entire county, making the city bear the burden and go bankrupt.
After nearly 200 years of a rollercoaster history, Lima has begun re-writing its future. They recently sold the oil production facility (largest landlocked facility in the world) to Candadian owned Husky Energy. The slogan for the company is "Our dogs bring us oil from those crazy people in Lima...run, mutt, run."
The addition of Saint Rita Memorial Health Central for Ventricular Care gives the city a hospital that was built as a palace in honor of its founder.
Elida Road is full of burger shops. It is also known as West Heart Attack Street. It's also the home of 2 outpatient heart centers to cater to those who finish dinner on the shopping strip.
Recently, the city joined a county-wide branding project. It produced the nickname of "America's Most Oily Hair city" and a slogan, "Why the hell would you ever want to relocate your business here?" Both will be on the general election ballot in November.
The Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, visited Lima as a campaign stop in 2008 and was solicited by over thirty thousand prostitutes along Bellefontaine Road. They have begun the process to move the IPA (International Prostitute Association) headquarters to Lima.
edit Notable Liamite
- Dave Thomas, yeah, Wendy's dad