From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
LIGHTSABER TRAINING FOR DUMMIES
Follow these simple instructions and you too can be a lightsaber combat expert.
edit STEP 1 : Invent A Lightsaber
You cannot practice the esteemed arts of lightsaber combat without first HAVING a lightsaber. Here is a lightsaber recipe that has been handed down in my family for generations:
Mix 2 parts Nickel with 1 part Titanium, Stir until satisfied with consistency.
Next, add 500ml of high energy particles and knead thoroughly.
include a dash of force and a drop of food coloring, (the food coloring will give the blade color so make sure it is the shade you desire)
Pour the mixture into a lightsaber shaped baking pan. Cook for 45min at 78000 degrees celsius.
Allow time for the pan to cool before retrieving your fresh, homemade lightsaber.
Or just buy one from your local Wal-Mart on the toy aisle next to the firearms.
edit STEP 2 : Don't Hurt Yourself
Try to avoid personal injury, (Awesome lightsaber skills are of no use if you're a torso.)
Take precautionary measures to protect your hands, fins, legs, tails long giraffe like neck and especially head tentacles from accidental self amputation.
edit STEP 3 : Practice makes not good enough... TRY HARDER
Devotion is of the utmost importance for Jedi or Sith. Slacking off during training sessions or skipping them altogether will make you vulnerable to the attack of a more skilled and focused monk. Try to reward yourself for keeping up with your strict training schedule. Popular forms of reward vary from allowing yourself to sleep in on the weekends to stealing candy from the hover pinatas of Jedi younglings. Find something that makes you happy and do it when you have completed your daily training session. The 7 habits of highly effective Sith lords: Life lessons from the galactic emperor is all about making more time for yourself and balancing your personal and professional lives to fulfill our own unique needs for accruing power and control over others.
edit STEP 4 : Combat Mantras
You need to seem imposing and un-defeatable as a means of intimidation. Intimidating your enemy is a technique that interrupts your enemy's concentration, allowing you to take the victory. A cool phrase is the most powerful way to frighten your opponent.
Many lightsaber duelists throughout history have used such phrases to scare their foes.
“If you strike me down you shall lose your No-claims Bonus!”
“You underestimate my POWER!”
“You're under arrest Chancellor!”
In all cases the person who said the quote actually lost the battle, but that's beside the point. The point is, they looked really cool for the brief moment before they were slain. Now I'm sure things will work out better for you than for them, but just in case, can I interest you in a robot hand or some galactic real estate in the outer rim of nowhere?
edit FINAL STEP : cheat
Cheating is the favored tactic in the arsenal of a lightsaber master. Holding someones loved ones hostage and throwing sand in your enemy's eyes are among the most popular strategies of cheating.
Be creative, the more inventive your style of cheating the less it will be expected by your foolish, rule-abiding, opponent. Try using the force to hit the your opponent's lightsaber's power switch, or shooting holographic porn into their eyes to blind them.
There is no greater satisfaction in this world than winning by unfair means; just ask Obi-Wan Kenobi if Qui-Gon Jinn cheating at dice to free Anakin had any negative repercussions in the long term, though be sure to ask him in a recently extinct alien language. Not surprising really, none of the Jedi's mantras mention honesty or fairness, they don't render onto space Ceasar or turn the other cheek, these concepts are as alien to the Jedi as surrender was to Klingons before they met Captain Kirk.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]