From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“How do you spell "Anonymous"?”
“Jeez, how long do I have to put up with this bastard before he dies!?”
Light Yagami, also known as Kira, is the main guy in the anime/manga series Death Note. He is your typical everyday pseudo-Japanese high school student; smashingly good looks, nice hair, intelligence that surpasses all those around him, complete with a tacky dark alter ego. You could mistake him for Yami Bakura from the Yu-Gi-Oh series. Light's favorite method of killing is to write the person's name and that person dies of a heart attack. And, though he never killed people using his hands, his preferred weapon was the spork. Jeez, what a loser.
Light is Justice. He becomes bored with normal everyday life upon finding a notebook that kills anyone whose name is written in it, he decides to take the role of God and rid the world of criminals, curiously forgetting that by killing said criminals he becomes a criminal himself. After finding the notebook, Light became Justice. Deciding to use the notebook to rid the world of evil, he killed everyone he knew had committed crimes. Light is also a charismatic and intelligent Japanese high school student.
Light's boring life was changed by the Death Note. He wrote down a few names, met his future rival, the awesome candy loving druggie genius L, teamed up to locate the second Kira; mindless buffoon, Misa Amane, teamed up with Misa and endured her typical fan-girlish crush, endured the fear that L was suspicious of her and him all along, gave up ownership of the Death Note to avoid suspicion and release Misa from L's custody, teamed up with the weirdo detective and engaged in many wonderful adventures which included sparring sessions, heart-felt conversations, foot-massages, and many moments with a distinct
yaoi BFF subtext.
After Light regained his memories and possession of the Death Note, Light forced Misa's Shinigami, Rem, to kill
Batman L and his butler-friend Alfred Watari. Following suit, both were killed off after excessive viewing of the Bleach anime without breaks. After L died horribly, almost everyone dropped the series apart from the yaoi fangirls. And we all know what happens to any series when there's nothing but the yaoi fangirls to appease to. With the dreaded letter L and Watari out of his way, Light continued his quest to becoming God and the number one anime character. (Silly Light, you can't top Guts.) However, Light later encounters new threats to his plan to become God in the form of two more letters of the alphabet, N and M.
N was Near; the son of Albert Einstein and M was Mello, the son of Willy Wonka. Light also had to endure the actions of Death Note's most popular character, Matt. Light had it all however. He had the trust of all those around him, Misa and Takada that worshiped the ground he walked on, a stalker and worshiper with a pen that was "truly mightier than the sword", Teru Mikami, and thousands of devoted Kira followers, including RL yaoi fangirls. Little did Light know that by killing L, he would drive half of the audience away from the show, so most of his efforts for actual popularity were useless. From there he took a moment to change clothes and dry hump his rival's grave, just to give the audience a hint that something went wrong in decision making by letting someone as batshit as Light to win the JUSTICE themed battle between him and L.
edit Epic conclusion
Despite all that, Light eventually was revealed to be Kira thanks to the combined efforts of Near and his generic investigation squad, the Japanese police force and Mello and Matt. After having to endure a giant lecture on how he was captured, Light finally went bat shit insane and laughed out loud like a maniacal freak. He then tried to kill Near, but was stopped by Pedo Bear, who finally overcame his stupidity and mind-fucked the egotistical weirdo multiple times with a gun. Light rofled on the floor and begged Mikami to write down the names of Himself and Pedo Bear. Mikami however was Meditating and obviously couldn't do anything, especially since Near had the PANTS.
As Light ran away with super-human speed, Ryuk revealed to him that Yagami spelled backwards was Imagay (I'm a gay!). Then Ryuk wrote Light's name in his Death Note. Insecure of his sexuality, and being obviously gay, Light died in great shock over the horrific fact of his name and his corpse was then raped by Ryuk (a scene not shown in the anime) and traded it for a couple of apples. He regretted that he had cheated himself of his hot L-filled yaoi destiny. Which was fortunate for L and for his horde of non-yaoi digging fangirls and Ku Klux Klan worshipers.
- L: Although Light hated his guts, he also really respected L and admired his great intelligence (even though L never considered Light as his real friend in return). Light said that L's best quality was his "outstanding foot massages". He really liked them. Light regrets having not gotten a full-body massage from L before he died. At first fangirls mistook L for a queer due to his odd name. However, all speculation on L's sexuality dropped the minute he confessed to Light that his name was named after the L in Samuel L. Jackson's name. Soul, brother.
- Misa: Misa never really meant much to Light. Despite the fact she was a bitch who offered herself to him in both the nude and underwear, Light was always more interested in using her to find out the names and faces of his enemies. Misa is the reason why L died, but L would forgive anyway because he was Jesus Christ.
- Takada: Takada never really meant much to Light neither. Light also found her to be as he oh-so-fondly loved to say, "refined". Light did away with her as soon as she was of no further use. Besides, we already had one useless but hot air headed bimbo, no need for another one in this show.
- His Family: Boring, besides his high-pitched sister who can't do quadratic equations, who's also a suspected lesbian. They're also probably all deaf, as they never seem to notice or hear Light shouting "Damn you L!" or "I will be the god of this new world!" or "I will take this potato chip and crush L with it!" or "Mwahahahahaha!" etc in his room. Either his room was well sound proofed or his family was made up of a bunch of morons. Possibly the latter option is the truth. Moving on.
- Near: Light hated Near's guts as well. Although most believe that this was because Near was the one to eventually uncover him as Kira, the true reason was because Light found him to be "not entertaining enough." That and he didn't massage his feet as well as L. People hate him because L should have won against Light, not this albino freak who possibly played with Power Ranger dolls in his spare time, despite being much older than he looks.
- Mello and Matt: Although Light never met either of them, Light knew these two to be the most formidable homosexual opponents he ever faced. The reason for this was because they threatened his position on the Death Note popularity polls. Even if such a long, hard poll did exist, Light would have never been more popular than either of them because the fan girls always loved the two fruits more. Mello also adored chocolate a bit too much and tried to molest Light's sister at one point.
- Matsuda: Light received a couple of love letters from this guy. They were bullets, straight from his gun to his kneecaps. It was the best moment of the entire series.