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“Hey, its a movie about a woman being beaten by a man. How does this network manage to keep things so fresh and original?”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Lifetime

“Take my bitch up. Smack my bitch up. She's been watching Lifetime a bit too much.”

~ a typical man in the Southern United States

“Lifetime, television for idiots.”

~ Family Guy on Lifetime

“Lifetime, the channel for women... and gay men”

~ me on Lifetime

Lifetime logo

Lifetime is a pornographic television network in the United States, founded by Pope Benedict XVI. It is typically found on American satellite and some basic cable packages throughout the Bible Belt.

All of their shows are rated 18+ in Canada, refused classification in Germany, and banned everywhere in China. It is wholly and solely known for its misandry propaganda in which "all males are rapists, murderers, stalkers, and sell women to slavery/forced marriage brokerages in China and North Korea!" "DAMN MEN, CAUSING ALL THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS!! Hey, let's kill all the men in the world and we can just watch Lifetime all day, making us into celibate freaks like the nuns on that Sister Act movie!"

edit History

All the feminist movement(s) have done is hate men and burn crosses while wearing purple sheets.

Lifetime was founded in 1924 in Germany by prominent Nazi Joseph Ratzinger (later known as Pope Benedict XVI) as Lebenzeit. The channel became the official channel of NSDAP. Popular programs during this era included Breakfast with Himmler and Heydrich's Playhouse. After World War II, Lebenzeit was sold to Christian fundamentalists in the southern United States and renamed Lifetime. The channel was used to fight the civil rights movement; especially nigger women would refuse to sit on the back of the bus.

When the male dominated United States government took over the network in 1970, the network became focused on Anti-Womenism, a new branch of Roman Catholicism. Eventually, a movie network was developed in 1992 in order to have a place where all the battered wife and raped university girl movies go to get a different kind of point of view. Somewhere along the way the channel was taken over by women who were transported from the future by Pope Benedict XXXII, and they decided to use it as a tool to bring their crappy low budget radical feminist (who are and always have been the sole feminist) movies to the masses (and by the masses I mean the 46-year-old single women who are stupid enough to watch Lifetime - these people still live with their parents and have autistic sons or daughters). According to Pope Benedict XXXII, he wanted to take over Lifetime Network so men would have to become homemakers but he needed women. Therefore, he took ninja lesbian radical feminists and sent them from an alternate 2012 (a.k.a 2012-A) where men were beginning to lose their civil rights under the Hillary Clinton administration.

Most people who watch Lifetime watch it on a satellite television system that they don't pay for. Since satellite television is mostly useless, quit watching Lifetime and get digital television through your antenna instead. God, these Canadians are turning into a bunch of freeloading FTA satellite television assholes the closer we get to 2012. Finally in 2025, the program was pulled off the air and replaced with static for the next 12 years by Aravis Lasaraleen, because she believed that "Misandry-Chauvinism is True Misogyny”. Three years later, in 2028 both sister networks had been pulled off the air and replaced with static as well, by her Neo-Liberal (which means Conservative if you're either European, Canadian, British, or from Soviet Russia) supporters.

edit Presidents of the Lifetime Network

• Reinhard Heydrich (1924-1945)
• Winston Churchill (1945-1950)
• Pat Robertson (1950-1970)
• Richard Nixon (1970-1973)
• Dr. Phil (1973-1980)
• Ronald Reagan (1980-1990)
• The Rock (1990-1992)
• Richard Simmons (1992-1997)
• George W. Bush (1997-1998)
• Mrs. Bill Clinton (1998-2006)
• Juan Pablo Montoya (2006-2025/2028)

edit Original Movies

Sponsored by The Ronald McReagan House for Sick Kids and by the Cure Breast Cancer Now Foundation.

edit Rape and/or Murder Movies

• Raped In The Alley
• Raped In Class
• Raped In the Car
• Raped While Playing in the WNBA Playoffs
• Raped at the Movies
• Rape: Courtney's Story
• Stalked, Raped, And Murdered
• A Killer In My Toilet
• Men Are Assholes That Only Want To Sleep With You And Not Have A Meaningful Relationship
• The film that should be TV-MA SV but is actually TV-14 VS
• Rape Tournament (a co-production with SyFy)
• Why We Should Brutally Murder All Men We See!

edit Pregnancy, Transsexual, and Prostitution Movies

• The pill: Our most sacred right.
• I Was A Teenaged Whore
• I was A Teenaged Whore II: This movie somehow manages to make a teenaged whore look good and make one of the 300000 men who could be her kid's father look bad.
• I was A Teenaged Whore III: The Maury Povich Paternity Test Addition
• Raped In The Alley II: Electric Boogaloo
• Raped In The Alley III: The Trilogy
• Raped In the Alley IV: The Voyage Home
• Violence and Sex Galore
• Violence and Sex Galore 2: Your Son Raped My Daughter
• Violence and Sex Galore 3: Your Son Raped My Daughter Again But We Caught Him and He's Facing the Death Penalty Now
• Violence and Sex Galore 4: Your Son Raped My Daughter Again But We Caught Him and He Escaped and Raped her again

edit End of the World Films intended for Women

• Tragedy Crisis
• Tragedy Crisis II: The Million Bad Man March
• Tragedy Crisis III: The Rape-ture
• Tragedy Crisis IV: The Bees Go Extinct Because We're Building New Condos and Office Buildings in that Forest Over There
• Tragedy Crisis V: The World Runs out of Oil thanks to NASCAR, Commuters, and the Airline Industry
• 2012
• Nostradamus 2012 hosted by Nostradamus and the Dancing Mayans (technically a documentary but Lifetime calls it a film)

edit Original TV Shows

Sponsored by the Mr. and Mrs. David Blaney Charitable Trust Fund of NASCAR City, Alabama

edit TV Shows Starring Women

• Golden Girls on Estrogen (now on various channels on your digital converter box)
• Wife Slap
• Canadian Women Who Hate BellTV
• Canadian Women Who Hate Shaw Network (formerly known as Star Choice)

edit TV Shows Starring Gay Men

• Kurt Busch and Brad Keselowski's Big Gay Wedding Night in Canada
• How I Met Your Mother and Raped Her (Therefore Causing Your Birth)
• Congress passing laws that the Canadian Parliament passed 20 years ago
• Grand Theft Auto: Ballad of Gay Tony
• Grand Theft Auto: How a Gay Man Can't Find Work at McDonald's But Can Become Rich By Stealing Cars