Lifetime
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“Hey a movie about a woman being beaten by a man, how does thin network manage to keep things so fresh and original”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Lifetime
“Take my bitch up. Smack my bitch up. She's been watching Lifetime a bit too much.”
~ a typical man in the Southern United States
“Lifetime, television for idiots.”
~ Family Guy on Lifetime
“Lifetime, the channel for women... and gay men”
~ me on Lifetime
Lifetime is a pornographic television network in the United States, founded by Pope Benedict XVI; all shows are rated 18+ in Canada and banned in China (all two Chinas that is). It is well-known for being strongly anti-women portraying them as June Cleaver gone wild. Lifetime regularly airs original movies in which women are typically raped, murdered, stalked, or sold into slavery by evil, evil men. DAMN MEN, CAUSING ALL THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS!! Hey, let's kill all the men in the world and we can just watch lifetime all day!
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[edit] History
Lifetime was founded in 1924 in Germany by prominent Nazi Joseph Ratzinger (later known as Pope Benedict XVI) as Lebenzeit. The channel became the official channel of NSDAP. Popular programs during this era included Breakfast with Himmler and Heydrich's Playhouse.
After World War II, Lebenzeit was sold to Christian fundamentalists in the southern United States and renamed Lifetime. The channel was used to fight the civil rights movement; especially nigger women would refuse to sit on the back of the bus.
When the male dominated United States government took over the network in 1970, the network became focused on Anti-Womenism, a new branch of Roman Catholicism. Eventually, a movie network was developed in 1992 in order to have a place where all the battered wife and raped university girl movies go to get a different kind of point of view.
Somewhere along the way the channel was taken over by women who were transported from the future by Pope Benedict XXXII, and they decided to use it as a tool to bring their crappy low budget radical feminist movies to the masses (and by the masses I mean the 46-year-old single women who are stupid enough to watch Lifetime - these people still live with their parents and have autistic sons or daughters). According to Pope Benedict XXXII, he wanted to take over Lifetime Network so men would have to become homemakers but he needed women. Therefore, he took ninja lesbian radical feminists and sent them from an alternate 2012 (a.k.a 2012-A) where men were beginning to lose their civil rights under the Hillary Clinton administration.
Most people who watch Lifetime watch it on a satellite television system that they don't pay for. Since satellite television is mostly useless, quit watching Lifetime and get digital television through your antenna instead. God, these Canadians are turning into a bunch of freeloading FTA satellite television assholes the closer we get to 2012. If they don't kill the TV taxes law they're trying to pass, there will be no more local TV left in Canada and everyone will have to watch Lifetime (yeah!) Besides, doesn't local TV have movies Lifetime aired like 5 years ago?
[edit] Presidents of the Lifetime Network
- Reinhard Heydrich (1924-1945)
- Winston Churchill (1945-1950)
- Pat Robertson (1950-1970)
- Richard Nixon (1970-1973)
- Dr. Phil (1973-1980)
- Ronald Reagan (1980-1990)
- The Rock (1990-1992)
- Richard Simmons (1992-1997)
- George W. Bush (1997-1998)
- Mrs. Bill Clinton (1998-2006)
- Juan Pablo Montoya (2006-2028)
[edit] Original Movies
Sponsored by Autism Speaks and by the Cure Breast Cancer Now Foundation.
[edit] Rape and/or Murder Movies
- Abandoned: the true story of a woman fought her deadbeat dad and her deadbeat husband.
- Killed By Her Husband
- Raped In The Alley
- Raped In The Alley And Then Killed By Her Husband
- Divorce And Murder
- The Woman Who Killed Her Husband And Got Away With It
- Jack The Ripper
- Jack The Ripper II: Jack Goes To Hollywood
- Stalked, Raped, And Murdered
- A Killer In My Toilet
- Total Bitch-Whore Kills Her Husband
- Men Are Assholes That Only Want To Sleep With You And Not Have A Meaningful Relationship
- Killed By Her Husband, Raped In The Alley, and Fights the Evil Mandroid
- Mrs. Rambo Gets Raped: Her Husband Comes to the Rescue and Kills the Bad Guy using War Violence
- The film that should be TV-MA SV but is actually TV-14 VS
[edit] Pregnancy, Transsexual, and Prostitution Movies
- The pill: Our most sacred right.
- A Cross-Dressing Pervert Like Me: The Jimmie Johnson Story
- Kurt Busch's Secret Relationship with Ryan Newman Before He Married Eva Bryant
- I Was A Teenaged Whore
- I was A Teenaged Whore II: This movie somehow manages to make a teenaged whore look good and make one of the 300000 men who could be her kid's father look bad.
- Another Pregnant Teen movie: We're not even trying anymore
- That retarded movie with the kid who gets addicted to porno and it kills him or something
- Raped In The Alley III: Electric Boogaloo
- Let's blow up the Whore House with Napalm while the Hookers are having Sex with our Sons who are in University
- Violence and Sex Galore
- Violence and Sex Galore 2: Your Son Raped My Daughter
- Violence and Sex Galore 3: Your Son Raped My Daughter Again But We Caught Him and He's Facing the Death Penalty Now
[edit] Original TV Shows
Sponsored by the Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Harvick Charitable Trust Fund
[edit] TV Shows Starring Women
- Golden Girls on Estrogen (now on various channels on your digital converter box)
- Wife Slap
- Canadian Women Who Hate BellTV
- Canadian Women Who Hate Shaw Network (formerly known as Star Choice)
[edit] TV Shows Starring Gay Men
- The Jimmie Johnson show (talk show featuring the feminine homosexual NASCAR racer)
- How I Met Your Mother and Raped Her
- The Chris Crocker Show
- Congress passing laws that the Canadian Parliament passed 20 years ago
- Grand Theft Auto: Ballad of Gay Tony
- Grand Theft Auto: Jacques and Gregory Get a Room Together as a Couple
