Life
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Life could be considered the time spent not being dead.
Life is a terminal sexually transmitted disease. This STD is, however, inflicted on the offspring of the intercourse, rather than on the participants. (Offspring can also be considered STD's). The main symptoms of this disease consist of having to deal with temper tantrums, going to work, settling down, mental exasperation and in all females a large lump in their stomach for 9 months. Life, is actually, curable. The best way to cure someone of life is to cause death. Thus, the best treatment for life is to ensure that death is administered as soon as possible: one common strategy is to simply kill the baby (before or after it exits the womb of the mother). Some believe this treatment is ineffective; death is only a temporary cure because of reincarnation, the toxin known to be the driving force behind the life epidemic.
Discovered by René Descartes, the statement "Cogito, ergo sum," (roughly translated: "Whoa, I just realized that I exist - I must be awesome") best sums up the characteristics of the disease.
The symptoms of life include breathing, eating, and all other kinds of general douchebaggery. It is the only known STD with a 100% fatality rate.
Life is also highly mysterious.
Every major culture has attempted to unravel the mysteries of life, and they've all sucked at it. However, the predominant theories are:
- A pond full of scum got hit with some lighting, and 3.85 billion years later, Joel Schumacher was hired to direct Batman & Robin.
- An eternal being was sitting around in a bunch of nothingness when he suddenly decided to create somethingness. He got pissed off at what he created and killed almost all of it. Then he started giving books to his creation.
- Maybe, in order to make sure that wouldn't happen again, he took the form of his creation so they could sacrifice him to himself. Then he wrote a book about it.
- And maybe, a few hundred years later, he wrote a second book that was supposed to clarify that book but instead just rambled on incoherently like Allen Ginsberg on meth.
- An evil alien overlord flew the population of the universe to Hawaii on commercial jets and threw them in a volcano, and then played movies meant to confuse their disembodied souls, and this would all be obvious to you if they weren't stuck to you right now.
- And then my personal favorite, 42.
These, of course, are only the best theories. There are many others which are not so compelling.
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[edit] How to get one
LIFES A DICK SUCK ON IT(good luck to the straight males)
First, throw away all of your video game consoles. (Optional, but helps massively) Then, get people to be your friends (This chance can be increased by having a games console on many occasions,providing you let them play, but don't rely on it purely), obtain a friend of the opposite sex, and call this your girlfriend (if you're a boy), or a boyfriend (if you're a girl). (This can vary, but usually decreases, especially if you have Dead or Alive.) If you're gay, just make up your own word. Or, another way that has 89.56% success rate, is stop surfing through the unencyclopedia.
After this, things get trickier. No one actually agrees on what it means to "have a life." However, the following listcruft may help you out:
People who have a life
Stones
People who do not have a life
- Stamp collectors.
People who are not stones
- People who write erotic fan fiction about Stargate. or your dad
- People who keep surfing Uncyclopedia.
- You.
- WOWers
- Grues
- Twilight books and dumb teenage girls that think they're vampires.
People who own your life
Me and the Stones
[edit] Procedures
While life happens across a wide variety of plant and animal specimens, the basic process of life can be broken down into a series of steps common to all:
[edit] Eat
Food and water are required for the sustenance of life. Ironically, much of the world's food is derived from the death of something else. Eating can be done in a variety of ways: absorbing sunlight, gathering nutrients from liquids, consuming the pulpy bits of other lifeforms, and sucking the sweet sweet blood of your overworld cousins are just a few of the more common methods. Some cultures even indulge in consuming the undeveloped fetuses (or feti) of smaller animals, such as chickens, ostriches (or ostrigi), or fish. Black people are commonly known to consume the reproductive fluids of a cow. Sometimes of a goat. They call this process "drinking milk", but it is really a communist plot to overthrow the Bulgarian government.
- A requisite by-product of eating is waste removal, which is known in the animal kingdom as "pooping." What goes in must come out.
[edit] Sleep
Sleep is also required for life to continue. But try not to do it too much.
[edit] Repeat as necessary
Do the above two steps over and over again (especially the sex if you can get it), ad frickin' infinitum.
Sleeping is for dumb fucks. hey, your LIFE , its that fly buzzing round your head. Catch it and eat it and then fuckeverybodyelse who made you feel like crawling out of your skin. fuck my mom,becausenow my heart hurts and now i cant see a thing. fuck them all, i dont no waht to do anymore.
[edit] Die
This is currently a myth since the scientific community hasn't yet accepted this stage for the lack of evidence. Not exactly a part of life, but the conclusion of it.
Death can happen in any of a million ways. You could get shot, eaten, run over, attacked by a pack of stray dogs, drowned, serenaded by Britney Spears, and occasionally severely teabagged. Some intellectuals speculate uncontrolled spontaneous laughter, known scientifically as fatal hilarity, can also result in a rather pleasant death. Laughter for more than 7 minutes can cause instant death due to the lack oxygen, nitrogen, and the other things found in air that living things must breathe.
Since dying is the end of life, many people believe it's important to make a big show of it and try to die through dangerous activities like skydiving, fishing, and talking loudly in libraries.
[edit] Avoiding Death
No one really wants to die, no matter how much supposedly depressing poetry they write, so in 1998, governments worldwide created a few simple steps to stay alive. They consisted of the things never to do and are as follows:
- Piss on an electric fence.
- Laugh at nuns (spontaneous combustion may result.)
- Travel back in time and prevent your own birth.
- Attempt to clean out your ears with a screwdriver.
- Eat yellow snow.
- Roll around in radiation in an attempt to get superpowers.
- Sleep with your cousins. While this may not result in your own death, it does create other... complications
- Vote conservative. Once again, this may not result in your own death; however, it can often lead people to believe that you have no life.
[edit] Conclusion
As all life begins, so it must end. Or not. Wait, a second...yes. Uhh...no. Whatever. If you've ever wondered what happens after life ends, don't worry about it too much. You'll find out in about five minutes (this is what is known as a deadline).
The above article is a fantasy and creation of a person who suffers from chronic masturbastion and clear lack of stability. Anyone who has the little jewels to make a joke of the word deadline must suffer from having the brain of a nightcrawler or tree.
[edit] Recent Discoveries
Recent research suggests that nobody can remember the beginning of their own life. This has led to the conclusion that birth is an illusion, and that we are all trapped in a false reality from which there is no escape. Kind of like the Matrix. But kind of not.
[edit] Cheat codes
Life can sometimes become a bit difficult. In some cases, it may become necessary to use cheat codes to get through obstacles. Yes, it is true that people may laugh at you and call you a loser, but its best to remember that since you're not doing it on a video game, that automatically means you're not a loser. It should also be noted that with the assistance of somewhat 'seedy' cheat codes, glitches and bugs may effect the server in which one is living. It is suggested then, that before you attempt to cheat, save your current progress.
Wanted cheat: Go on your computer, get onto Google, then type in the words "kiddy porn." The police will come.
Pedestrians attack: Get in your car, drive up to a KKK meeting, go in there and yell out the words "Jesus is black!" the pedestrians will very likely attack you.
Extra money cheat: Send millions of e-mails to people informing them that you manage a bank account with $15,000,000 in it, and you'd like to give them half of it for no reason. Then start asking them to send you money. Believe it or not, this works.
Speed up time cheat: Walk down the street to your friendly amateur pharmacist and ask for "white powder." Things will get very fast and they may not stop.
Maximum fat cheat: do exactly what you're doing at this very moment.
Keep Pedestrians Away cheat: Take off all your clothes and go outside. Like a miracle, everyone seems to either walk or run away from you. This cheat also works if you want to police to arrest you, and if you want abuse shouted at you by some members of society.
How to get everyone away from you cheat: Shout on the street: "I've been to Mexico last week!"
Very angry Pedestrians II: Walk onto a very busy footpath, facing the peds walking towards you, and do the following to activate the cheat: Left Kick, Right Kick, Left punch, Right Punch. You may/may not (depending where you are) get a very sore nose, very quickly
Painful and slow shortcut to death: Simply stop your source of life, food, water, and oxygen from entering your player/body.
Other shortcuts include: Slitting your wrists, jumping off a 100 story building, eating McDonalds for the rest of your life, drinking beer 24/7, and finding the cheapest weapon in the game: "a gun with bullets" and use it on your head.
[edit] See also
- The Game Of Life
- The Universe
- Everything
- Birth
- Death
- Meaning of life
- Life's Unanswerable Questions
- Cell
- 42
| Actions of life and death |
|---|
| Start | Be born | Sleep | Play | Study | Sleep | Play | Kill | Live | Go to jail | Escape | Travel | Go to the cemetery | Die | End |
