- A lie is the truest form of the truth, and truth, the biggest lie ever. Or is it the other way around? All truth is lies, all lies are truth. Or a lie is a lie. Or something.Aw, fuck it, I don't care. Whatever I say doesn't mean anything anyway. Huh. Maybe I can publish a book about that. --Jacques Derrida
What Is A Lie?
While the concept of lying has long been intrinsic in human language, it is rarely asked "What exactly is a lie?" Conventional definitions define a lie as being "something that isn't the truth". Unfortunately, this only taps into a greater question, which has kept philosophers employed for generations: What is truth? The difficulty of defining what a lie actually is makes it very easy to lie to people about its actual definition, which is, in a way, pretty funny.
Recently, philosopher and cunning linguist Noam Chomsky spoke from experience and cleverly defined a lie as being "that which has the properties of what a man tells his wife after he has spent the previous night with a hooker." Male scholarly audiences quickly applauded this apt definition, to the general dismay of wives and hookers alike.
How Can I Tell A Lie?
If you are George Washington, you can't. Otherwise, the procedure is simple.
1. Do something bad that you never, ever want anybody to know about, ever. Especially your mother. Examples: undercooking a fish, not washing your hands after using the bathroom, attending an Avril Lavigne concert, putting glass bottles in the newspaper recycling bin.
2. Start a conversation with someone (your mother) about this specific topic. Example: "So, I hear that some people put glass bottles in the newspaper recycling bin." Attempt to maneuver her into asking you if you have ever committed this heinous crime against nature.
3. When she asks, say, "Oh, I couldn't have, I was on Mars." Congratulations! You have just told a lie, and a very good one at that. Repeat this process until you have a good grasp of the art of successful lying.
What Are Some Of The Coolest Lies Ever?
Here are some of the more successful and outrageous lies in history, and the truth behind them:
- Jesus loves you. Jesus loves cool people who buy him presents, not you.
- Vitamins Are Good. See article on vitamins.
- The sky is blue. It's actually a phosphorescent shade of brown.
- Santa Claus isn't real. Actually, he is. If you haven't seen him it's because you've been naughty.
- If you work hard and are smart enough, you'll succeed. You'll probably actually end up working three part-time fast food jobs at minimum wage and no benefits, and end up paying the same amount of taxes as your boss anyway.
- The Jews control the media. The media is wholly owned and operated by a coalition of highly intelligent and sinister pink bunny rabbits, who use their Jewish connections as a lightning-rod for criticism.
- God. God is a lie. Or frequently lies.
Lies in the Media
"I am older than most of you which means that I have lived long enough to remember lies that were told by big large so called benevolent organizations. This tops the list of significant lies. Most of the people that believed these lies are dead now. Here it is: Before the US Congress did readily available research( not any f---g medical organization, the CDC, or the NIH, ) this is in the 1980s, The National Cancer Institute played a never ending record of " There is no relationship between diet and cancer" Not only that but the cancer record gets worse. Think about this before you give them a nickel! -- B. E. Vickery"